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I recently bumped into an old friend i hadnt seen in years. She gave me her email address so i sent her an email and told her that my life wasnt so good explained how dad died before xmas and mum has dementia.

She said she was sorry to here my life wasnt great and said to "get out there and live your life". I am so hurt as i thought this was insensitive her life is great travelling around with her new man she told me to stop wasting my life?

I am very down now and just cant believe she said this do you think she was insensitive knowing that i have no life with mum being so ill?

Why do some people think you can just walk away and get on with your life? Her dad died last year from cancer she spent a month with him? im just so fed up of peoples comments on how i should just walk away how the hell can i?

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Hey Kazaa, I know what you mean. My mom is pretty bad and I think coming to the end of the line at 94. I emailed a friend a detailed description of everything going wrong and said it was just really hard waiting for something bad to happen. My friend wrote me back and said, "Why is it bad? Your mom has lived a long life." So she totally discounted the fact that I'm essentially waiting for my mom to die and how stressful that is for me to go through. Every phone call could be something bad. I spent 3 hours in the ER with her on Tuesday and that's just one day. I keep waking up at 2 AM or 5 AM thinking about the "what ifs".

Some people just have no experience with this. Your friend sounds like she has a very short-term caregiving experience with a predictable timeline, where your situation with your mom is much longer-term and a less predictable timeline. My friend hasn't had a parent that she was responsible for at the end of life.

So I think a lot of the "insensitivity" is just a lack of understanding. But it hurts deeply nonetheless. I didn't respond to my friend right away because I would have written something awful. The next day I could put it in context. She supports me in other ways, so she just has the blind spot. That's why I spend so much time here, as other caregivers get it.
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Yeh Blannie im done trying to explain this to people. Im so sorry about your mum and i know my mum is only 77 but i cant help this sick feeling in my gut that shes not going to be here for much longer i have no reason to feel like this but something is wrong this sick feeling shouldnt be ignored.

Yeh some people have no idea my dad died of a massive heart attack suddenly and a friend said well he was 80? asshole.

I havnt responded to her yet as like you afraid ill lose it! ive decided to just stay away from people until im in a better place myself i am not jealous but angry that everyone seems to be having a life and i feel like im dying slowly everyday.

I just wish i had something to look forward to sorry but am very down today seems i never get a break!

Hugs Blannie and try and enjoy the time you have left with her i know this is hard i wonder how long more i can last doing this?
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She was making a feeble attempt at encouraging you. Some people are not so good at this. She does not have your sense of self-sacrifice for others. Her father may have actually pushed her away and told her to get on with her plans. Every child-parent relationship is unique. Some teach self-reliance, and others don't. Some expect lifetime subservience from their kids; others support their children and grandchildren until they drop dead.
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They dont understand or they have a different way of thinking. I feel regardless of how young or old the person is, we lose a part of us when we lose them. All we can do is our best. Spend time with our loved ones and with those who "think" like us.. or at least understand and have compassion. Hang in there, your in my thoughts.
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Some people are just not good at responding to conversations. First of all they aren't listening very well and they are only half into being your friend. Its the "what about me" mentality. Like a lot of things, just write it off as ignorant.
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Kazzaa, it's nearly impossible for someone not in a caregiving situation to be completely understanding and sympathetic to our situation. They simply don't understand. Your friend was trying, in her own way, to be encouraging to you, but ended up hurting you instead.

My advice to you is to let it wash over you and off you like water off a duck's back. Shake it off and go back to your normal routine. You know that you are doing what is right for you and right for your mother - that's all that matters. Your friend was not intentionally trying to hurt you with her words - so don't let it bother you. Blow it off and move on.
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Kazzaa, I think if someone hasn't walked in another persons shoes, then we need to cut them a break. Sometimes they just want to be encouraging etc. but don't know exactly what to say. It would be like running into a friend that has just had a miscarriage. With no reference to draw from, you tell her you're sorry. How can you encourage her? You can't say 'well at least you still have your other children' right? My mom died a couple years ago leaving my dad behind. They were married for 63 years. There is NO WAY I know what it's like to lose a spouse, let alone a spouse for so many years. But dad has a couple friends whose wives have died after so many decades, and they know what to say. All we can do is love him and surround him with family, but NOT know how he feels. I guess my point is, unless someone has gone thru what we've gone through, we need to let it go. That's what makes it so wonderful really, we've all gone through different things at different times in our lives, and can help each other. My 2 cents. ♥
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The problem with emails....no emotion and you can't hear the tone of what they are trying to say. I too, think she was just trying to be encouraging.

Some folks just don't understand or know how to stop once they say, "I'm sorry"; that is when they get into trouble and cause ill feelings. Some times those two little words are all that is needed!
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There's something called negative bias that applies to written communications like emails and text messages. Basically. It means that our brains tend to put a negative spin on well-meaning or ambiguous messages.

For instance, if your boss sent you an email that read, 'The meeting's at 10. Be sure to be on time.'" Your brain would likely interpret it as a stern warning or a rebuke about having been late in the past, when really the message is neutral.

Your friend probably meant to be encouraging, but she didn"t express herself well.
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I agree with what the others have posted. My experience has been that people don't know what Alz/dementia is..some think it is normal for all old people like arthritis. Others think it is something you catch like a cold and it can be controlled with medication.

I would thank her for the encouraging words and in the future don't give lots of details...just say she is fine. Come here to talk the real issues.

I work with a woman whose mother has lived with her and her husband for 20 years. She has CHF but is stable and independent. Her mother contracted H1N1 last Dec. was hospitalized for several days w/pneumonia. During this time her mother became confused and did not recognize her daughter. Another co-worker told her she was sorry her mother was so sick...imagine how Sharyn feels...her mother does not know her every day. She meant well but I know it had to be hurtful to the other woman.
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Kazzaa, one of the themes that comes up constantly when people are talking about the loneliness of bereavement is that their friends avoid them. Their friends avoid them, usually, either because they don't know what to say and they're embarrassed, or because they believe the bereaved person needs space and privacy.

So your friend probably sat there chewing her lip for ages and wondering what she should say. Then, maybe for fear that she'd never think of anything, she launched in there trying to cheer you up. As Pam S says, a pretty feeble attempt, indeed. But the LAST thing she meant was to hurt you, or be insensitive. Basically she's a klutz.

What's sadder is that given her shiny exciting new life-and-boyfriend, you probably don't have very much in common just for now. But if you value her as a friend, and you plan to keep her as one for years to come, tell her what life is like for you (don't depress her, just tell her) and demand helpful things of her. Email her back and say hey you, never mind the lectures - I'm hurt, I need treats. Send chocolate now.

And when some sh*t hits her fan, as it surely will one day, you can be there for her too. She gets the better bargain because you will understand her, but that's life - we have to learn as we go along.

Big hug. I have to compose a reply to a friend who wants to know what I'm doing at the beginning of August. Hm, let me think… emptying commodes, counting out pills, carrying trays, doing laundry, driving to the doctor, wild night out at a rock festival (just kidding)…

I wonder if he'll want to join in?
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i can appreciate everyone defending kaz's frien . ( spambox ) , lol .
na , i disagree a bit . i implied to a female friend many months ago that id like help during my moms end of life . she was too immature to get involved . pissed me off royally . dropped in on her with aunt edna ( to see former friends stonework ) , asked for nothing from her and thats what im getting . this hor is 9 yrs older than myself and not even smart enough to see how shes going to need caregiving from someone in only a few years , herself .
really , i dont need the stress of raising a 63 yr old kid . " friend " is back in the spambox ..
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other female friends son , joe . i can help him work on his automobile , etc , but he sits in the house like a prince while im helping his mother unf*ck the lawn twice a year . he refused to help me set a stove , the only time i ever asked for his help . joes dumb ass is in the spambox, with me .
it must be getting pretty crowded in the spambox by now . looking around , all i see left is me and the miniature mule .
man the rest of this paragraph writes itself..
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Thanks for all the support i think CM is right i dont have anything in common with alot of people right now and funny enough i hesitated before emailing her as i thought well how do i tell her what ive been up to without sounding depressing?
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At least she replied to you. I tend to tell people to get out and do something, too. Life is too short to spend every minute care giving. I see to many patients out live the caregiver. Give your friend a break and keep corresponding. You may need her.
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maybe it isnt wise to d*mn a friend to eternity in the spambox but you can scream bloody murder and demand fair trade . my first friend i mentioned's current nickname is ( ms no firewood ) and the other , well , she just is and will always be " flatline " , as in not much brain activity .
joes sh*t is going to rust in place before i work on it again .
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Kazza, I understand your feelings on this one. One of my best friends was constantly insisting that I needed to put my Mama in a NH and get on with my life. It quickly became evident that she did not care to hear anything about what was going on in my life (or maybe not going on so to speak)...I used to live for her morning emails, each of us talking about whatever and it was almost like enjoying coffee and catching up on the days or weeks activities...Soon however I noticed I was writing fairly lengthy notes and would get a few words in reply, each more blunt than the one before and finally I realized she just didn't want to hear about my life anymore....she kept telling me her daughter in law took care of her grand now and then and she never recalled her complaining or whining about it (I guess the way she implied I was) I might add here that her daughter in law has a wonderful husband and two grown daughters, all who help her with everything, more money than she can shake a stick at and they get to travel, travel, travel wherever and whenever..so I'm pretty sure her situation is not the same as mine...Anyway, I finally just realized we had grown apart...at least for now...maybe forever....I don't need people like that in my life...I think sometimes the more I look at things like Facebook the more depressing it becomes until I am finallly realizing those people are not living any more exciting lives than I am anyway and I am going to enjoy my adventure with Mama for as long as the good Lord gives us time together...this is my Mama, I love her and she is my life right now...I will worry about the rest later...or not...but right here, right now, life is about as good as it gets...and I am thankful...
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Actually I'm using this opportunity which I have been given to "separate the wheat from the chaff"....those who are truly friends are there, those who are not don't need to be in the first place.
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Yes she was insensitive to your feelings, but I don't think it was done intentionally she just doesn't have a clue on care-giving and loss of your father. Maybe you should send her a link on information or ignore her, people look at me blank when I say I am stressed out looking after my Mom they just don't get it. If I were to tell my sister she would say well why are you there then just leave or told you so, or she would think what is the problem and I cannot express my emotions, I am worried that our society will start actively fighting against emotions, but I am concerned over how often we treat emotions, individually and in families, like they are obstacles or problems. I am sorry for the loss of your father kazzaa it must be very hard to be grieving and the hardship of your Mom having Dementia. Sending you lots of love and hugs stay strong my friend, don't take it to heart what your friend said she is ignorant to the whole situation you are experiencing.
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I don't think your friend meant any harm. She was trying to "tough love" you into "having a life" again, all at the same time having no real CONCEPT of what it's like to be a caregiver to your mom. Caregiving is a labor of love. It's a turn-around when it's a parent, especially. They took care of us; now it's full circle and we take care of them. It's hard on us because while none of us want our parent to die, WE want to start to LIVE, and for so many of us that can't happen until mom or dad is gone. And no. People absolutely do not understand at all. Your friend doesn't get it. I have a friend like yours. They make these suggestions that are not helpful like "get her a sitter", etc., and they don't realize, at least in my case, the dynamics, the issues with that, the argument with mom, etc. No I understand Kazaa that's why I love it here. This is a great site for people who really DO get it. So try to understand and realize your friend isn't trying to be hurtful, she just truly does get it.
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whoops correction; she truly does NOT get it.
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Maybe a phone call to your friend would help. Not an email, as others have mentioned. But a call. Don't call with a mad/hurt attitude. Just call. It's a possibility she couldn't convey feelings in her email. Perhaps her relationship with her mother is nothing like yours is with your mom, and she just doesn't understand what you're going through.

Or, since she's an old friend you haven't seen in years, you can just let it go.

(I don't mean that in a way to make you feel bad; it just may be best for you.)

Sharon
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I have to admit that most things other people say or don't say doesn't bother me. I know they are responding from the outside and are just trying to say something positive or supportive. It does bother me when someone acts like there is something wrong with me that I don't get out more -- maybe because there is some truth to it. And I can't stand it when someone says, "You're so lucky to still have your mother." How can you respond truthfully to that one?
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As in all things "walk a mile in my shoes".
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Empathy and compassion are not part of some people's makeup, maybe by nature or maybe by learning. I think people who have lived through wars, disasters etc tend to get hardened and emotionally blunted. That would be many of the elderly who need care now. ie they lived through the Depression and WWII in their formative years. Their kids tended to be taught this blunted emotional response as well. Sometimes it took, sometimes it didn't as it didn't fit well into post WWII culture and some people are naturally empathetic.

It is very hard to care for someone who doesn't believe in compassion. From their point of view, the caregiver is a sucker and a weakling and they often treat the caregiver badly as they have no respect for the way they think, a way which is alien and incomprehensible to them. They may well feel closer to the non-caring offspring as they understand them and they would have not cared for an elderly parent themselves.

It is surprising to an empathetic person that someone would walk away from a parent with dementia but it is quite common. When my mother's friend died of cancer, she took good care to be nowhere near her in the last months.

I can enjoy the company of non-empathetic people on a superficial level but I know now that such relationships have a limited emotional range.
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Youre all angels! But let me tell you why my friend is (and yes i think she was) insensitive I grew up in a fairly middle class environment lets say we WERE all well off nice neighbourhood bla bla we all went to a pretty good school bla bla very strict and catholic we are talking seventies here!! my parents were killing each other and eventually he left and went off with a woman half his age! my father NEVER supported my mum or us financially so i had to grow up with friends who had money and basically no crap in thier lives still to this day they are all married happy kids bla bla the resaon alot never understood me and why i fell out with most of them is they had no idea of how tough my life was and now when thier parents get ill you can bet that there will be carers and lots of family support so yes thankgod for this site as you cannot explain your crap to someone whos never had ANY crap people think everyone gets theres in the end but some people just sail through life easy street and have no compassion or empathy for others who have had to struggle I would rather have had my KAK and be a better more compassionate person than to hurt someones feelings. My friends dad died last year from cancer she spent a month with him before he died she said she wished she could of spent more time with him? he had cancer for five years before he died so why the hell didnt she spend more time with him? anywhoo youre right when mum goes i will have no guilt or regrets and i should just avoid people who are superficial with no compassion they say " ignorance is bliss NO ignorance is ignorance".

Phew feel better i will have a great life when this is over we all will as we are caring compassionate people and the good you do comes back to you tenfold!!!!
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Kazzaa we really never know what goes on behind closed doors. Your friend could be good at covering up all kinds of evil..

You said your catholic and so am I. Catholic church case in point!!

You're a good person and you obviously don't need her in your life..Good riddance to her.
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" ignorance is ignorance " .
i love it . screw reasoning , i cant deal with ignorance . root word -- " ignore " .
implying " not stupid , just ignoring details / playing stupid " .
id like to have my renters gals thoughts tonight on playing stupid and crapping on people around her -- from her jail cell ..
power play -- she lost ..
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LOL ass youre so right! the crap these catholics hide but i decided to be different and be honest about my KAK and throw it out there only at the time noone was opening up and i was considered as "messed up" dysfunctional?? yeh im dysfunctional and a bit messed up from my catholic upbringing but im honest and can live with myself everyday and not hide under the bullshit some people love me some people cant handle my honesty yeh stuff them! You see i spent my whole childhood "pretending everything was normal at home which was pretty tough when marraige break up was unheard of then". To now being open and honest about who i am and i think that intimidates alot of "Catholics".
This friend was always a sly one "everythings always wonderful" family "wonderful" life "wonderful" yeh maybe youre right she couldve been sleeping with her brother for all we know!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS its great when a fellow catholic knows the BS we had to endure!

When my mum KICKED my dad out as he was having an affair my dad sent the "Priest" up to my mum to talk to her about the "sanctity of marriage" (i think i spelt that right oh god i hope so or im going to hell) my mum told him to F..k off!!
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Captain I hate to quibble, but the root of ignorant is "unknowing." They don't know. Could be they also won't THINK, but it's not the same as deliberately shutting something out.

Kazzaa an old colleague of mine had a girlfriend who claimed to be from a working class family on the grounds that her parents hadn't had their chaise longue re-upholstered in more than ten years. Beat that for a hardship, eh? Some people seriously don't know they're born.
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