I miss him so much even though I see him every day. He has failed so badly in this period of time.He is heavily medicated, has no interest in food. , no longer walks.and has lost 10 lbs. I feel I condemned him by placing him. My good Lord, what can I do? I'm always on their case there.
Your job now is to advocate for him. It's almost as tiring as caregiving sometimes, but safer :.)
What you've done is save yourself, no one can condemn you for that.
Your new role is as an advocate. You have to recognize the challenges the care center is up against with him, and respect their needs to minimize risks to him and to others. The advocate role should not be you vs them ... but conversations about how best to work together for his good.
I often missed my husband during the ten years of his dementia. In some ways I missed him more then than I do now, two years after he died. He was there (we lived together -- he never went into a care center) -- but he was not there at the same time. Therapist Pauline Boss calls this "Ambiguous Loss" and the concept helped me understand what I was going through.
The enemy here is Dementia. It is not the care center staff, it is not your husband, and it certainly isn't you! Of course you miss him and of course you miss him ... you are mourning a great loss. This is not how you expected your marriage to play out. Don't let that natural sadness turn into guilt (none of this is your fault) or to despair. I hope you can cherish any good moments together left to you.
Keep in touch with us. We care!