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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I agree with Veronica. If your husband has end-stage COPD, addiction is not something to worry about. Morphine may help make him comfortable. Many doctors are uneasy about prescribing it, but hospice believes in making the last days of life as comfortable as possible.
The only thing you can do is disengage and just let the hurtful things go by. keep quiet, don't argue or try and contradict or defend yourself. it is a very unhappy situation for you and unlikely to change so try ad get some respite and take care of yourself. This is a situation where a small dose of morphine is prescribed. This makes the feeling of distress from not being able to breath and lessens the anxiety. Many people are opposed to using this powerful drug but if you are both prepared to try and the Dr agrees it will greatly improve your husbands quality of life.
He's angry because he's in the final stages of COPD. So given that the only thing that would stop his anger is not being where he is, and that there is absolutely nothing you can do about that, it is true to say that "nothing you do is right."
Really and truly, it's not you. It's him. This is a terrible time for both of you. Don't make yourself feel worse by believing that if you only try hard enough, or say the right words to him, you can make it all better and he'll show his appreciation. He might miss all you do for him if you didn't do it, and I'm sure he knows that too, but that doesn't mean he's able to express it when he's overwhelmed by feeling ill and afraid.
I understand how hard this is. I helped my (then) husband care for his father, who was living with us when he was dying from cancer and emphysema from decades of heavy smoking. His anoxia (lack of oxygen to the brain) would alter his personality and bring out the worst - and I was his favorite target.
He would accuse me of being a witch and putting a spell on his wife, saying I did that so she wouldn't listen to him or obey his (irrational) commands. He actually called me into his room one day and told me to take the spell off her, and then, we'd be ok again. So I went out and tapped my MIL on the shoulder, and when she looked at me, I wiggled my fingers at her and said, "BOOGA DA BOOGIE!" - she looked at me like I'd lost my mind. I told her I was taking the spell off. Went back and told him I'd done it and he said we were friends again. The next day, it was something else and I was the target again. He alternated between loving me and hating me, depending on how bad his anoxia was that day. He called me a whore, said I only married his son for his money (uh....right - that's why we were both working 2 jobs, right?), and one day, threatened to shoot me because I was sick with strep throat and his wife did me the favor of walking my daughter to school. Later, he would hug me, tell me he loved me, and that I was an angel for letting them move in and taking care of them.
I guess my point is....try to hang in there. I know it's hard. He's sick, in pain, and probably confused much of the time. Try to get a break with some respite care if you can.
I read the caption you wrote: My husband is very angry and nothing I do is right. I have known a few people who have had this type of issue that can be debilitating and difficult. Some deal with it for decades and others have the onset of it suddenly. Either way, its difficult. Anything difficult creates either frustration or anger, so do not take it personally. I do not think it is directed towards you. It's just a release of pain, imho.
If you are there and engaged in your husband's health needs, you are doing nothing wrong. You are doing everything right by taking care of anything he needs, even if it just holding his hand or reading something new. Best of Wishes.
Honeybunny, COPD seems to affect people that way. Life is hard when you can't breathe and aren't getting enough oxygen to the brain and other tissues. It is the only thing I can think of that makes people become so angry and mean to people around. I know it is hard to be around. He's not the person you used to know. Tell us a bit more about him and how long it has been. Do you have any help at all? Is he on hospice?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This is a situation where a small dose of morphine is prescribed. This makes the feeling of distress from not being able to breath and lessens the anxiety.
Many people are opposed to using this powerful drug but if you are both prepared to try and the Dr agrees it will greatly improve your husbands quality of life.
Really and truly, it's not you. It's him. This is a terrible time for both of you. Don't make yourself feel worse by believing that if you only try hard enough, or say the right words to him, you can make it all better and he'll show his appreciation. He might miss all you do for him if you didn't do it, and I'm sure he knows that too, but that doesn't mean he's able to express it when he's overwhelmed by feeling ill and afraid.
He would accuse me of being a witch and putting a spell on his wife, saying I did that so she wouldn't listen to him or obey his (irrational) commands. He actually called me into his room one day and told me to take the spell off her, and then, we'd be ok again. So I went out and tapped my MIL on the shoulder, and when she looked at me, I wiggled my fingers at her and said, "BOOGA DA BOOGIE!" - she looked at me like I'd lost my mind. I told her I was taking the spell off. Went back and told him I'd done it and he said we were friends again. The next day, it was something else and I was the target again. He alternated between loving me and hating me, depending on how bad his anoxia was that day. He called me a whore, said I only married his son for his money (uh....right - that's why we were both working 2 jobs, right?), and one day, threatened to shoot me because I was sick with strep throat and his wife did me the favor of walking my daughter to school. Later, he would hug me, tell me he loved me, and that I was an angel for letting them move in and taking care of them.
I guess my point is....try to hang in there. I know it's hard. He's sick, in pain, and probably confused much of the time. Try to get a break with some respite care if you can.
If you are there and engaged in your husband's health needs, you are doing nothing wrong. You are doing everything right by taking care of anything he needs, even if it just holding his hand or reading something new. Best of Wishes.