Glad to offer any wisdom I gained. My late husband had heart and lung disease. My elderly mother had Alzheimer's Disease. Because of frequent trips to the hospital at all hours for my husband, I could not keep Mom in our home. But I was there with her in the A.L.F.3-4 times weekly at least. Within 15 months of my husband's passing (Mom had already died), I had very serious cancer. I'm now seeing the elderly parents' problems more from their viewpoint. I'm glad to share insights I continue to learn with you caregivers of elderly parents and grandparents.
And as I think back, I don't recall my grandparents or great-grandparents being *senile* which was the term used back then. Once in awhile great-grandfather was known to get lost, who knows if it was real or if he did that on purpose to go visiting folks in town :)
My parents are in denial that I am also a senior citizen with the same aches and pains that they have. Sorry Dad, I can't carry 20 bags of mulch anymore, that ship had sailed. Told him to call the nursery and have them deliver the mulch. Nope, they charge a delivery fee :P
Oneofthem, you are right about older folks not wanting to leave their home. My parents came from a generation where their own parents and siblings clung to their own homes no matter what.
I saw what one cousin went through, he and his wife bought their dream house when in their 60's, great place for the grandchildren to come over and visit, woods to play in, etc.... but eventually that house had to be sold because it become impossible for my cousin to take care of 3 single family homes [theirs, his mother's, and his mother-in-laws]. The 2 Mom's refused to move. So cousin and his wife moved to a retirement village, bought a condo. His Mom lived to be 100 in her single family home. Mother-in-law is over 100 and still in her single family home. Why the double standard?
Shouldn't we want better for our children no matter how old they are? Shouldn't the grown children live to the same older age as their parents? My cousin won't live to see 100 as he now has serious health issues all due to stress, their retirement plans to travel out the window, yet the Moms all had great retirements with trips, sight seeing, clubs, etc. My parents are in their mid-90's, I will never see my 90's or even my 80's. My travel plans squashed, also. My parents had a grand 25 years of retirement. I've had zero. No wonder so many grown children are resentful.
The last thing we older folks want to do is leave our homes We have been through so many losses in life (that's the nature of life) that we want to stay home. But many of us know that we can't stay home any longer. Some of us can't afford to move into a retirement complex. There is one near where I am. It is so huge, it is overwhelming to me to just go there. Many huge brick buildings full of various sized apartments from teeny tiny to one-third the size of a normal house/apartment. The costs are very high.
Please forgive us if we are being selfish here. I have a dear friend who has been facing a very similar situation with her parents. Fortunately, she has siblings who have been helpful in all of this. Eventually, they had to place their parents in an A.L.F. (assisted living facility) where they seem to be getting fairly decent care. I had to do the same with my mother, but the care was below what she needed. I was there almost daily.
One thing I want to say to you dear caregivers: Watch closely what is going on, even in a hospital. Question everything. Nursing homes are the worst, but some hospitals are bad news, too. You have to be on top of everything concerning them, from their food to their meds to how their doctors are treating them (or not). It is the most difficult task you will probably ever do. The same goes for some hospices and assisted living facilities. I could tell you horror stories you would not believe, things I saw when caring for my mother. Remember this, sadly, that all health facilities are, at their bottom line, a business, trying to make a buck on the backs of very needy people. Nursing homes, in my opinion, are the worst of the bunch generally speaking. I felt like a guard with my sword drawn constantly, watching over my mother and my husband.
Dear caregivers, may God in heaven watch over you and your charges and give you strength and wisdom far above your own.
I try to step into my parents shoes to see how would I do if faced with the same situation.... but I would do things so differently from my parents.
Example, my parents decided to stay in their 3 story single family home instead of moving into a wonderful retirement community which has safe user-friendly homes.... therefore, my parents need to take ownership for their choice. I didn't decide for them to stay in that house. While they are peacefully asleep, I am in my own home wide awake wondering if they had tumbled down those stairs, or if Dad hit his head again and Mom didn't call 911. I plan to move to that wonderful retirement community within the next few years, if not sooner.
My parents stopped driving 6 years ago, and I can see it from Dad's point of view feeling like he is trapped at home. Again, their choice. The retirement village has free transportation, thus MORE freedom as they wouldn't have to wait on me to schedule time off from work [that in itself is stressful] to take them to the doctor or shopping [I hate shopping, more stress]. Recently I had to cut the driving time by 75% because of serious panic attacks while behind the wheel. Now Dad [93] said he plans to drive again. Just what I need, guilt piled upon my illness... thanks. I shop on-line and let the stores come to me. My Dad knows how to use a computer, he use to write code. He doesn't want to pay delivery charges.... [sigh]
Ok, enough venting by me :P
Yes, our culture is anti-family in a very deep sense of the word, demanding insane allegiance to its demands. But as our adult children continue to mature, we can hope a heart of compassion will develop and burn within them, not only for us elders, but also for the needs of their neighbors. Distance can be measured in miles, or in issues of the soul. 'nuf said for now. Blessings on you struggling, heartbroken, overwhelmed, loving caregivers.
Carol
from cradle to grave it appears to me that government / commerce is taking over what used to be the role of immediate or extended family . i built a small two story house with the notion of having family around me when i become helpless . if either of my sons want this home theyll have to provide for me in it or watch it be devoured by the establishment . that might be some old school thinking but its as close to an old age plan as i can muster considering the frugal economy and the meager living that has always been construction . i think there are economic benefits to multigenerational households . it seems like a traditional and common sense - ical concept to me .