Well, I am thinking I am on the brink....

Wow, who is this new person that has suddenly possessed me? I am hearing stuff come out of my mouth to people that I have felt all my life but just couldn't get past that southern belle crap long enough to let it fly. Brothers and sisters I let it fly yesterday.

Let me say I am very appreciative of our hospice team and the work they do for us, BUT I think I have become the "client" who is known as being the easiest going so we are very frequently crammed into a nook whenever it is convenient in order to better serve the masses of the group. I am the one who is always saying, yes, that is fine, yes, I suppose that will work...even when it is totally inconveniencing me or ruining what I had planned for the day....yesterday I had had enough and I let it go.....I told our hospice nurse why the hell do they waste their time asking me what I need, how can they help, when they literally ignore everything I say to them. I told her I appreciated their efforts, BUT they must start coming at a time that worked for US or I would have to make other arrangements.....I could see her making a lot of notes, so I may see a truck with little men in white coats alighting but so what, as I told someone earlier, right now, sitting in a padded room where it is quite and peaceful all alone sounds pretty darn good to me....

I dropped the "f" bomb yesterday so many times....yes, that word that southern ladies just simply do NOT say...well, I got over that one too...and I let it fly...I even made new and interesting words with it.

Then I went on Facebook and said my peace. Fifty five years worth of it...because one thing all of this has made me realize is that while I do not feel like I have low self esteem, I am realizing I have allowed too d*mn many people to get away with murder just to keep the peace and not make any waves....and it has caused my entire life to be pure h*ll. My brother did anything and everything he wanted all his life...Mama and Daddy supported him financially all his life, and when Daddy passed he and his wife at the time demanded and GOT most of their estate....This house is all she has left...and he is eyeing it too..however has done nothing whatsoever to help me. Hell with him. Stick a fork in me I am done....

Several people have sent me private messages on Facebook expressing their concern that I am off my meds, going nuts, deeply depressed...I quickly and firmly informed them thanks for their concern but I was not depressed, I was fed up but since I never heard from them either until something juicy is posted then they too could continue on their merry way...

Wow, wow, wow....you know...all of this I have allowed to happen to me....I have created quite the little nightmare for myself. I am at present checking into respite care for Mama so I can do something "me" oriented and also to simply regroup. I will come out on the other side a calmer and more normal "seeming" person...but I have had a huge aha moment and I finally see what years of being treated like you are second best can do to a kid...always second choice..but always the one who had to handle it all....nothing fair or right about any of it....but now I am in it, and up to me to make the calls...and they are mine to make because the glory of not having any help in any way is that it is nobody's d*mn business what I do from here on out.....that felt good...thank you very much.