Parents while they are young need to plan for the golden years to take care of themselves and not drain the life out of there children. Too many parents out there blow there monies and do not plan on there future but expect there kids to take care of them. Where on earth did these attitudes come from. A lot of kids end up drained and angry at there parents. Why would a loving parent want to do that to there children and leave there children with an awful memory of there parents life, at the way they became in there later years.
Has got the attitude that "you owe me".
Also, in his head, no-one needs things more than him. My entire family could be in a coma but it wouldn't be as important as his groceries....
Babies have no idea at first that Mother is separate. Have a need - cry - get need fixed. About 6 months? it dawns that Mum (or main carer) is a separate person. Learning to get needs met/control others begins. My 2 yr old was a super-puppeteer! She needed *something* x 10 every night. Us parents up & down all night. (We finally got wise).
My Dad only needs a little help now & then. Pulls string - yep that worked. Pull again.
My Mum is like a baby again. Has needs, expects them to be met NOW. Doesn't seem to realise I AM A SEPARATE PERSON, living in my own house WITH MY OWN LIFE.
Or she does know, but doesn't care? Does a baby care if Mum got any sleep? Does the toddler care about your work commitments, exercise class, free time? H377 no. Do my parents? Hmmm
I know that I personally would feel differently if my parents would change their behavior and treat me like a human being instead of their personal scratching post. I have forgiven them, but I can't be subjected to the insanity and hatefulness on a daily basis.
Again, I am sorry for the assumptions.
At this point, it's hard to legitimately see it as "just needing a little help," as there can be no doubt that the adult child is being required to make a major sacrifice. But it seems very few parents will draw the line there. Rarely do you hear an elder say "I would rather go into a nursing home/assisted living than to ask my child to give up their home/job/relationship/retirement plans." In my experience, never.
i was raised in a family that helped each other out. My mom was a nurse and we could not survive on one income so she did the best she could when she saw her mom, in failing health, needed help-she went over every night after work with at least one of us kids in tow. Grandma died suddenly and unexpectedly leaving my grandpa very depressed but he was able to live on his own until suddenly he wasn’t. By sheer coincidence at the same time he needed help, my uncle moved in with him, to get back on his feet after a nasty divorce and bankruptcy. My uncle had to work. He had no choice, he was court ordered to pay child support and pay for their health insurance and he had his own expenses that my grandpa couldn’t cover. And believe me, if my uncle hadn’t paid his CS, my aunt would have come at him with a venegence! Every year she hauled him in to court demanding more money. It wasn’t bad. Anyway my uncle took care of him at night and on weekends. Then Grandpa fell one day and lay there for hours until my uncle found him when he got home from work and it was all down hill from there-a diabetes diagnosis, an amputated leg, bleeding ulcers. the end result was that he went into a nursing home. None of his children was in a position to quit their jobs and become his full time caregiver. I’m sure he would have preferred to stay in his own home but his family just couldn’t make that happen.
My parents had us in their 30s. The end result is that they are now 71 and have young grandchildren. They live 6 hours away and refuse to move back down here. I’ve tried for years. Even if I see a need, I can do very little about it. I don’t have family here to watch my kids while I’m 6 hours away taking care of my parents. My husband’s parents are gone. All he has is his 2 siblings but they live in another city and have jobs and small children. My husband doesn’t have the type of job where he can come in late and take off early. His shift starts at 7:30. Kids start school at 8:10 and 8:27 (2 different schools) & have to be driven there & picked up because we live out of the district. We have NO ONE to help with that. We have NO ONE to watch them at the spur of the moment. No one to take them to sports practice and their games. If my parents lived here, I could and absolutely would take care of them but on my terms-as in, I would not put them before my husband and kids and I would not center our lives around my parents needs but I would do as much as possible without it interfering in our lives. My parents know they and know that they are on their own if they refuse to let me move them. That’s their choice and they have to live with it.
I think a lot of people have seen what caregiving did to their friends and relatives and have decided they won’t make the same mistakes. When you know better, you do better. They will help their families but not to the point of giving up everything and everyone else in their lives. I find that other than than this forum, no one talks about the bad side of caregiving, about the physical and emotional toll is takes. You don’t hear about the sacrifices and what it ultimately cost.
It really is a slippery slope Carla. And I still believe that for a lot of our parents, it is just simple requests and as time goes on and the requests become more frequent, they don’t realize it. But I also agree with you that a lot of them are fully aware and just don’t care.
The choices they have - pay for help if they can afford it, downsize and move to a more manageable living situation or assisted living, or just modify their expectations of having everything done exactly as they want it when they want it - I know my mother would not consider any of these. I would never have let my mother go without food or shelter or clean clothes or any of life's necessities, but she wanted every aspect of her lifestyle to remain unchanged even when she was able to do nothing but sit in a chair all day. I suspect that's a very common experience.
And for us, it's such a slippery slope. You agree to the minor occasional requests for help in the beginning, and you become seen as the reliable source for whatever help is needed in the future. Figuring out where to draw the line, especially when there seem to be so few alternatives, is brutally difficult. My mother certainly knew how burdensome all her demands were to me. She admitted knowing that I felt trapped, but said only "I wish you didn't feel that way." Not "I wish I didn't need to do that to you" but "I wish you didn't feel that way about it." So in my view, they know. They know.
And as I said it was just my POV, I know everyone has different circumstances and has to do what they need to. I do not judge, it is not my place to do so. I was just giving my 2 cents. I love you all. And feel all your pains through your words.
Problem is he thinks everyone should think like him. e.g.
- Wives should do as they're told by their husband. Things like laundry and cooking are for them to do to.
- Children should expect to be told what they can and can't do. If something comes up, then they have to put up with it.
- Aspergers doesn't exist (my teenage son has) all they need is a smack around the head.
Lets just say our viewpoints are different when he thinks he can tell me to tell my wife to do his laundry, tell my youngest she can't go to the party because I've got to go to grampys, and tell me to slap my teenager around when hes having a hard time....
It is very sad when our elders have always lived their lives for themselves, pushing people away when it wasn't convenient for them and destroying hearts because they didn't and don't care about anyone but themselves. Then they are angry because they have no one that is willing to put them first or as a high priority. Ya think!
I think smeshque had a different relationship with her parents and she is very blessed that they didn't try to devour her in her youth. It makes it easier to provide a loving home.
My parents were never loving and they actively try to hurt me, so I can't be a solution that they want. I help on my terms because I love them, but I matter and I will not subject myself daily to being torn down, chewed up and crapped on. I feel no guilt for taking care of me and my family. I am a decent human being even though I have no guilt and I think that we all do the best we can when dealing with difficult, selfish parents. Not something that you can understand if you had good, loving caring parents. I often wonder what it would have been like to be raised by people that actually cared. Must be lovely.
My dad actually told my husband if we could get rid of him everything would be fine. Wants me to be his mommy and caregiver so he can have the life he wants, doesn't matter how it effects anyone else, as long as he gets what he wants that is all that matters. Nice view point, eh.
We all have responsibilities, in some cases to many people. I don't consider myself selfish when I tell my Dad "No" when he expects me to drop everyone else for him. I could grow spiritually too but its not going to alter the facts.
In an ideal world, I'd visit my Dad every day and take him out. In the real world its not possible.
It is easy to say "when I am old" this or that. But if one is not old and in need of help, how can one truly say what another should feel about it?
We are a selfish people and of course we don't want someone "messing up" our lives by needing us. I know I sure didn't. But as I have grown spiritually, I see things different. My parents did not ask me to take care of them. I saw a need and I love them and wanted to help them live life to the fullest. I am just a crutch and I am ok with that. Because nothing brought nor brings me more joy then to have seen and see my parents living life in spite of their circumstances.
I understand everyone's circumstances are different and we all must do what we think is best and that we can live with.
I just think that we have, as a society, as a people gotten so far removed from what we are meant to be.
And as the world "progresses", we digress in Love and natural affection.
Just my opinion. And again I know everyone needs to do what is best for them and their situation, And I know that whatever we choose about our loved ones, to personally care for them, or to have them cared for. It is still a tough job for all of us. And I am not placing judgement on anyone, just giving my thoughts.
Selfish people are always selfish, 5 or 85.
I also wonder if they ever think about what happens if their children die before them.
Elders absolutely view things as being “help”. And I can understand that. My friend complains about it regularly. His parents are 82, still active, still snowbirds. They are slowing down a bit but really for their ages they are in amazing shape! I hope to be that lucky! Anyway every time he goes to his parents house, there is something they need done. They are pretty wealthy and hire people all the time but it never fails. Every time he goes over there, his mom wants new curtains hung or something like that! He has his own home he takes care of. When he goes to his parents house, he doesn’t want to work on theirs too!
also poor judgement and failure to realize the burden and inconvenience caused when elders want their families to keep them in their home. I agree with that 100%. It’s poor judgement and quite frankly I think most don’t even realize the inconvenience. If they were never in that position, of course they don’t stop and think about how it affects their children’s lives and the kind of sacrifices they have to make.
I’m currently with the opposite, it’s not my parents or in-laws that need us to take care of them. It’s my BIL and his soon to be ex wife & their childcare needs. And the thing is, they have no idea how much of a burden and inconvenience their requests cause the rest of us! Because they’ve never been on the opposite side. None of us can call them up and ask them to babysit but they have no problem making huge (to me) requests. I sympathize because they are working parents but BILs soon to be ex is self employed and puts work first. If their child care falls through, she won’t reschedule. And she schedules them knowing her child will need to be dropped off somewhere or picked up & looked after and expects others to do it for her. So recently we were asked to go pick the child up 45 minutes away and look after him for a few hours. Last week, I was asked to watch him for an hour and then take him to day camp. And today they are again asking to drop him off here hours before we all get up and then take him to day camp! I have my own children to take care of, who have sports practice and day camp and play dates. My husband has to work. I know they don’t realize the burden of what they are asking when they ask me to do these things. So I’m trying to be understanding but there has to be boundaries. I would be more willing to help if my ex-SIL wasn’t self employed. She’s her own boss. She makes her own schedule, so think badly of me all you want but when she schedules work that conflicts with her child, I’m not going to re-arrange my schedule so I can babysit for her. She had no problem rescheduling and showing up late when I was her client. I’m not willing to take over my MILs role and become his primary caregiver. They tried it with my SIL already. My MIL always said yes even when she wanted to say no, even when they weren’t speaking to her. Even when she worked full time. She would even call in to work! And I guarantee you, neither my BIL or his ex have any idea how much they asked of her. Believe me it was a lot.
And it is only a matter time before my BIL starts asking for money. The day is coming. I can feel it.
Anyway this has me reflecting a lot on how a lot of parents expect their children to take care of them in old age and how.....a lot of children expect their parents and other relatives to take care of their kids! These recent events have started to change my perspective on things.
His plan ticks so many boxes: shelter, food, entertainment, people always around to talk with or notice if something goes awry, elevator if he can't manage the stairs. He can even have a pet.
Food for thought.
Hopefully we have all learned something from sharing our experiences. Know when its time to make changes in our lives and make it easier on our kids to help us, Get out of that house that is now too big. Ask kids to help downsize. Cleaning out is a big job. One of my cleanouts for Mom was the attic where all my brothers stuff was. He had been gone 30 yrs. Never thought about cleaning out when he was home. Be independent as long as you can. I have read on this site where a child has enabled a parent. I hate these commercials "you can stay in your own home" if you get a reversed mortgage, hire a family member thru an agency. Yes this helps you stay independent. But there are times this is not the answer.
If something happens to my DH, I think my single daughter would move in. There is enough room we don't have to even see each other. If that is not an option, then I sell and move to a nice apartment. Not spending what money I have on upkeep and taxes.
So if your parents lived during that era, that may explain their thinking.
But life has changed. In a marriage the two people have to work if they want a decent life. Children move away where the jobs are. Hard to caregive when ur thousands of miles away.
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No parent should expect a child to give up their earning potential to care for them. Especially out of stubbornness because "they want to stay in their own home" There has to be compromise. This is what I can do, this is what I can't do. Parents have so much more in the way of options then their parents had. But, I see this changing. There r going to be cutbacks. And we r going to see generations living together again. I have a friend whose DH died at 63. She had MIL suite from caring for her Mom. She now lives in that and her daughters family is living in the rest of the house. It works for them. My GF is now living on a daughters property in a building that was remodeled for her and DH to live in. A classmate and DH moved in with a son to care for Gkids. Seems to work for them. We all don't have the money to put aside for the "future". Just living takes most of it.
I am not saying we have to physically care for our parents. But we should be there for them. Help them find resources to live independently. Help them move to a safer place. I realize that not all parents were "perfect" and your better just staying away. But I do think we owe those parents who sacrificed for us so we could have better than they had. My Dad was a pain, but he gave up things for his kids.
The kids are having a discussion about "what are we going to do with mom and dad when they get old?"
I popped my head into the LR and said "why are you even discussing this? I'm still feeding y'all and watching your kids, jumping on the tramp (no more backflips, sadly) and painting your homes." Kinda put a kibosh on the whole discussion.
It DID lead to DH and I sitting down with the kids, showing them our portfolio of investments and EOL wishes, etc. Showed our executrix what she'd need to know and we talked about an hour and they all sighed a huge sigh of relief. NOBODY in the family will NEED to care for us.
If they WANT to, to be a part of a CG team, we'll revisit that at some point.
My dad had to retire early, at age 55. He had planned to work forever. He and mother made some terrible investments AND let my OB take the equity out of their home, loaned YS $60K....never repaid.
They would have been SO much happier living alone and having CG come to them.
Mother doesn't disrupt my life at all, now. Her poor choices were hers, and we sibs all tried to talk them out of what they did.
In the end, they moved in with YB and it's been a sad mix of bad and awful. You cannot make mother happy. Simply impossible. Try living with that daily and you'll wear out in a hot minute.
Because the senior parent's parents didn't need much help or died early, they were able to run their own lives when they were in their prime and were able to spend time with their children, have vacations, work on their own properties, have own hobbies, etc. But, now that they are older and need all of this help, they fail to see why their weekly or daily needs prevent their adult children from doing that. They think that summoning adult children over to move this, pull up that, fix this or that, check on something, fix something, etc. is no big inconvenience, and they are disappointed when it's not done pronto.
To me, when you need an inordinate amount of help to live where you are, you should consider downsizing. If driving is an issue, move closer to stores and doctor's office. Can't climb stairs, get a one floor place. Can't manage yard, move to place with little yard space that's care for by others.
To me it shows poor judgment to expect to continue in your life undisturbed, when you are disrupting other's lives in order to do it.
I'm not sure if it's just in my area, but, I am seeing more and more cases where the adult children are NOT responding to these demands. I hear my parent's friends complain about it all the time. I don't think it means adult kids don't love their parents, but, that the demands are unreasonable and they are not able to participate.
I cared for my mother for 10 years until her insurance and government help made it difficult to care for her at Home, she is unfortunately in a nursing home now, and I wish I had the money to care for her at home again the way she deserves. My mother did not have anything prepared ahead of what happened to her Brain Hemmorage as she was only 53, but the scriptures below helped me to understand how God cares for the elderly and weak and how I would also like to be treated if I something similar were to happen to me.
Acts 20:35
"I have shown you in all things that by working hard in this way, you must assist those who are weak and must keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus, when he himself said: ‘There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.’”
Proverbs 23:22 "Listen to your father who caused your birth, And do not despise your mother just because she has grown old."
Hebrews 13:6 "Moreover, do not forget to do good and to share what you have with others, for God is well-pleased with such sacrifices."
The idea that children should take care of elderly parents is ingrained in all cultures including ours. And I believe the expectation becomes more entrenched as more people are living into older age and more adult children, even those who are themselves elderly or disabled, are forced to step up. Unfortunately, I think every one of us who does step up is setting a dangerous precedent. We are demonstrating that it's okay that our parent failed to plan and okay that they insist on staying in their own home, even though one or more family members will need to put their own lives on hold for an extended period to make that possible.
Unfortunately, in most cases, we're over a barrel. We're not consulted when our parents decide to retire early, or when they spend every cent on cruises or vacations or hobbies or home remodeling or whatever they want. Then, when the fun is over and the money runs out, we are called in to help the parent stay in their home and make their final years as comfortable as possible. My mother refused assisted living and could not afford it anyway. She was not quite disabled enough to qualify for a Medicaid nursing home, not that she would have accepted that either. She wanted to stay in her own home and have her kids make that possible for her. And we (mostly I) did, although if assisted living had been within reach financially, I would not have agreed to it. Unfortunately, I see the situation only worsening in the future.