I can't take it anymore...
My 68 yr. old Mother had a stroke 4 yrs. ago last year she started repeating herself, asking the same questions over and over, forgetting things etc. I took her to a neurologist who determined she is in the beginning stages of dementia. Since then she has slowly gotten worse but now I am the enemy. She "talks" to others at her Senior Center she goes to and they tell her it's just part of getting older. Tells me she has done research on the internet and tells me I'm making things up. (F.Y.I. the computer confuses her she only does Facebook but even then she needs help.) She says the most inappropriate things around people. She sneaks and hides food in her room, we have asked her countless times not to but she still does it. I can't tell her when she has a neurology appointment because she crams for the test the give her. She still thinks it's 2009. My husband now has to take the day off of work to take her because I'm being a bully and telling on her. (Those our her exact words.) When she first had her stroke everyone said they would help, they haven't. I have one brother who lives in Alaska. I've asked him several times to take her for the summer, I live in Phoenix, just so I can have a break. He works the oil fields so his excuse is, "I don't have a place to live.". I've asked her sisters to take her for a least a week here or there but something always comes up. She has a brother but they had a falling out so they are not on speaking terms. My poor husband is all I have to help me through all of this. Since April of 2013 my drinking has gotten out of control (not an excuse) but it takes the edge of my daily dealings with her. My doctor has me on several anti-depressants/depression medications it is unreal. Caregiver meetings? Done it. Therapy? I've tried it. It just makes me feel worse about myself. Yoga? I do it. I feel great when it's over but then I get home and the crazy is waiting for me at the door. So now we are looking for an assisted living facility for her. I'm hoping she will be happy there. We both aren't happy with our situation. I have become the parent and she resents me for it. My Mother and I have nothing in common and I do mean nothing. We don't like the same movies, books, foods etc. So we don't have a lot to talk about sometimes I will repeat a story to her now she is convinced I have dementia also. I lost it on New Years Day. I don't remember what set me off but my poor husband just stood there and let me go off on him. It wasn't him I was crying and yelling about but my Mother. She heard the whole thing from her bedroom. She and I haven't spoken to each other in 4 days. I don't have anything to say to her anymore. I'm spent. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being made the villain. I'm tired of the guilt. I'm tired of hiding in my room and crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry.
This is just a thought: can you get someone else, like your mother's doctor or an independent advisor, to tell your mother she's got to move to a place she can be taken "better" care of? Do your research, get the arrangements made, then shamelessly chicken out and let somebody else do the strong-arm stuff? "Sorry, mother dear, you know I love you but hey it's not up to me any more…"
Never mind the hypocrisy, think of the good nights' sleep!
we are only human, not superhuman and people who are not caregivers,
do not fully understand, how it feels to be asked the same question over and over, (it does change after asking over and over, the next stage is t o ask other questions, mine always asks if this is her room before she sleeps, is this her towel for drying, even though it is her favorite color and not the color scheme of my bathroom, you would think it would neon flash, this is yours, you need a caregiver contract to get paid as one.
i am not judgmental and it is a stress to care for a grown up person,
and it is not like you chose it, it kind of gets thrown in your lap,
if your mother doesn't have much money, she qualifies for cash and counseling,
a program from the government, that pays family caregivers, Illinois calls it that, but other states call it something else but they are the same.
Does your mother have medicare and/or medicaid?
There are websites to see the rankings of AL's that take Medicare and/or medicaid. if she is ever hopitalized you can tell the Social Worker to place her in a facility. You can call the senior abuse hotline to say you are afraid for your mother and when they come out to do an investigation, they will see that she is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and will tell you about the caregiving program in your area.You can hire someone else if you do not feel up to it.
Could be the stroke (you do not know me but I have had three strokes) opened the door as a brain injury and dementia has set it in, either way your mother
has a disease and will do behaviours that either she is not aware of or cannot control. I wish you good Luck on whatever you decide, until family caregivers are given the respect that they deserve, we will continue to muddle on, and cannot rely on support from family members who are removed, they really do not care as long as the problem is not theirs.
I would not believe that the brother is acting in your interest, but in his own.