I have no help from siblings makes me think how to get back at them. I don't mean kill them with kindness. I just want them to have a wakeup call. My health is ailing and I have never had a holiday away or been on a weekend getaway to refresh. Depression and anxiety plague my daily living and I believe they are just awaiting the moment they can declare me incompetent. I feel blessed to be in the position to care and tend to my fathers needs, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I say to myself I have no family, not in the sense where there is love and concern for those in pain. I live for the day when my dad has passed and I can kiss this life goodbye.
I'm an only, so I have nowhere to put my frustrations. You're not. You have siblings to judge. ;) Do you not feel that care giving for your dad is a gift? I feel that way about mom. As hard as it is . . . as frustrating as it's become . . . it sounds like you DO feel that way because you say you feel blessed. (And you are. I really believe this.)
How can we NOT want to peck ourselves bald-headed some days? This morning, it took me a half-hour to get mom from the potty chair next to her bed to her wheelchair in the living room. I'm determined to keep her on her feet. It's becoming more and more the challenge. Every time I tried to help her up with her gait belt and a helping grasp under her arm, she stuck her feet straight out in front of her as if she expected me to VAULT her into the living room. OMG.
It's going to be one of those days. Fortunately, the Adult Daycare Center is the one who's going to be dealing with that today. At least I hope so. ;)
Just as I have, you've made the decision not to place your dad into a nursing home. An admirable decision. But that decision was yours. It wasn't your siblings'. You decided to do that. Money or not money, your dad could probably be placed within thirty days at most.
You alone have made that decision. And since you made the decision? You have to own it. At least that's the way I personally feel.
It helps to vent here. It really does. And we all learn a great deal -- sometimes solving problems for us we have . . . sometimes showing us a glimpse of the road ahead . . . and sometimes just finding a place where we can share our inner-most thoughts and expect honest feedback.
Perhaps it is YOU that needs the wake-up call, Nice. Perhaps it's time to do something different. Any time in my life that I've expected others to feel or think a different way? I've been disappointed. I'm not surprised you're having the same trouble.
You need a break. You need to get away from the caregiving responsibilities regularly. Call your local agency on aging and ask for advice. Look into day care possibilities. Ask about respite care for a weekend.
Does you dad have money to pay for some additional help? Would he qualify for Medicaid? You cannot carry this weight alone indefinitely. You need some in-home help.
Is your depression and anxiety being treated? Please share your concerns with your doctor. You are a unique, loving, caring, worthwhile individual. You deserve to take care of your health for your own sake, and in order to continue helping your dad.
It is not your brothers or sisters who need to relieve you at this point. It is the care center itself. Stop living for the day when your dad has passed and take some action to correct the situation, now.
Curious how long were you doing hands-on care prior to placing your Dad into a nursing home? Could be that stress hadn't diminished but carried itself over to today. How long has your Dad been in the nursing home? How often you do find your Dad with a bed in such a mess? Once? Every day? If it is everyday, talk to the head employee to see what can be done to limit this situation.
I just ended up writing about this on Sermo today!!! There is such a thing as being not really "too nice" per se, but nice the wrong way, and that leads to feeling like a doormat - stepped on and dirt wiped off on you. That deeper message is that the siblings are bad hateful people for not helping you, and punishing them by harming yourself or just dying of despair is one of your options, no??
GET HELP FOR YOUR DEPRESSION. They failed and continue to fail to do what you think they should be doing, but that does not have to ruin your life. You almost certainly need help to be able to see this differently and stop letting it eat you alive. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. You deserve to have some positive pride in that you decided to stand by your dad in ways that they didn't. You may not feel like you deserve anything or could even imagine any right to be happy because your father is ill - or to put it another way you can't imagine enjoying your self or your life while he is in such bad shape, but even though it is a sad time of his life, it isn't true. Take that first step and call, wherever you are, just call someone in the mental health biz, even a suicide hotline even if you would never do that, and tell them you find yourself thinking that death is the only way out of misery for you and you need help.
Having taken care of not one but two parents AT HOME, I guess I am little sensitive when I see someone acting like they're doing hands on care 24/7 when in reality the parent is in a NH.
I had a woman tell me she was a "caregiver" like me, that involved calling her mother up twice a week who lived in another state....LOL. She thought that was caregiving.
And as Linda22 said when the parent goes from the home leaving the caregiver to a NH you go from caregiver to managing the care provided by the staff.
Sorry you found your father in that condition, but unless that was due to something running amuck that day, than you need to look at other places.
And yes your comment(your words not mine) were cold. It's one thing to say something like "this sounds terrible but life will be easier when dad passes", but to say "I live for the day my dad has passed"....cold.
And there is no reason someone who has their elderly parent placed in a NH can't take a few days off from visiting if the place is decent, if it isn't, than why is the parent there?
And when you post be clear and concise, people aren't mind readers.
A good nursing home should be able to help you feel that you can leave your loved one there and expect decent care at all times. While some people use a nursing home as a place to "leave" a loved one, many of us who have loved ones in a nursing home spend a great deal of time there with them.
Whatever the case, you should be able to leave your dad there for a time without worry. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, contacting the ombudsman for the home may help. You can go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the home's Zip code. The contact you get is your representative. If the home is not giving proper care, they need to be reported and your dad moved.
Unfortunately, this means a lot of emotional energy and I don't think you have a lot more to give. This is one time when you need to put yourself first. Get some counseling. Ignore the family members who won't help but like to criticize. If you aren't sure where to go for help for yourself, call your local human services. Many offer counseling on a sliding scale and these same people may be able to put into action a program to help your dad.
Please understand - you must have emotional support. Your dad would feel awful if he understood how you feel. We are all behind you.
Carol
Also, most states will give you ombudsman links on their own website. Type the name of the state and "aging" in the browser and for most states (likely not all) you'll find a way to find the ombudsman program for that state. This should lead people to one who covers that home. People can also ask the nursing home who the ombudsman is.
Thanks again for the update, Pam. You're right on it!
Carol