I just want to cry.
I'm trying to be strong.
We moved my MIL here after my FIL passed. He left her with an upside down mortgage (seven hours away) and about $15,000 (after we paid off the cc bills and funeral)
I had a rental, paid in full. She lives in it rent free now, and insists on upgrades almost daily. I've spent all my savings trying to keep her afloat. She's depressed, in a wheelchair, diabetic and just... Nasty. She's mean to everyone, even my sweet six year old son. I'm ready to just tell her to go. Leave. Take your complaints and nastiness somewhere else. I quit my job to help take care of her and it's never ever ever enough.
I keep my husband out of it. When she is nasty to him, he gets into a black mood, then I just have to deal with both of them. His sister is worthless... Lives across the country. MIL calls her to complain about me, then she calls me and makes me feel horrid for not doing more. Today she was all, "She is 80 and in a wheelchair! What do you expect her to do?" The topic? I didn't pick up MIL's dog poop in her back yard before the mowers came. How dare I not drop everything to go pick up dog shit RIGHT THAT SECOND.
I'm just ready to lose my mind. My mom tells me I should be grateful to be needed. That this is on me because God knows I can handle it. But really... I can't.
Tiny town, no local support groups (and who has time? I don't. Every minute is my son, my MIL, my husband, my mom, the dogs...) I'm typing this from the potty. It's the only place I have privacy and five minutes to myself.
My house is a wreck. I clean hers. My nails and hair look ragged. But I find time to take her to the salon. My dog needs a bath. I groomed both hers this week. And it is still not enough. I'm horrible because "Well, it's not like you're WORKING."
Ah... There is not enough wine.
No honey, in your situation there isn't enough wine nor whine. It's your husbands mother for Gods sake. He should be helping YOU! No one can handle what you are dealing with... you'll go nuts.
Sorry, had to chuckle that you're on the potty while typing this. :)
Put your foot down honey, they're putting their feet all over you.
It's time to find her a facility placement. You're losing money by not working and by allowing her to stay in the rental place rent free.
Even though I'm sure SIL wouldn't take her mother, I would ask her anyway, if not just to put her on the spot to lay the groundwork for getting a facility placement, and to give her the opportunity to step up to the plate.
Start job hunting again, set a deadline for MIL to be out of the house and start looking for an AL or IL or other placement. It doesn't sound as if your husband would disagree, but if he does, you can suggest that he take over her care as you're going back to work.
And stop picking up after her dog and doing all the menial work she's asking you to do.
Ordinarily, I would agree... It is HIS mom. But... He suffered from depression and anxiety, and she is a major trigger for him. I can't be his supportive partner AND her caretaker. She hates him, I swear.
Oh this is horrible! I'd never SAY 90% of these things, but it feels good to whisper them here anonymously! Am I just awful??
Trying to answer questions...
Assisted living is right out. She'd lose the dogs (and I may care about them more than her, lol)
SIL is a drunk and half homeless. So that's out.
Upgrades? Oy vey... A garbage disposal, an osmosis filter, a water softener, grab bars, new toilet, new fixtures for the ceiling fans, new garage door opener with a key pad, better fence for the dogs.
The big beef now is that she hates the carpet (it's kinda plush and new... I installed it in 2014 for the previous renter) because it's too hard for her in the chair. Did I mention she doesn't NEED the chair? She just uses it because she's overweight and walking is hard on her knees. She walks around just fine without it.
And the depression. She's on every anti depressant the doctor dares put her on. But if I have to hear "I'm just going to stab the dogs, and then myself. And then I won't have to bother you any more..." One More Time....
She knows I've lost two loved ones to suicide. It's my button and she presses it.
I think he'd be okay with me getting support, but not if he read what I'm saying.
If she hates the carpet, let her buy a new one. Better yet, tell her it's all she gets since there is nothing wrong with it.
Hell, I suffered from depression and anxiety and managed to take great care of both parent's while they transitioned to the after world. It just isn't a viable excuse. Seems like you're suffering more than anyone.
As far as the dogs, well, it's not really their fault....
Call her bluff the next time she threatens with stabbing dogs and such... tell her go ahead ( it sounds like she really isn't a loved one) heck, even her own daughter isn't going for it, why should you? Your sweetie pie 6 year old does not deserve to be around such mean words/actions. It has a lasting effect.
Girl, I feel for you.... time to really get hubby on board and figure this out.
Hubs said "Dauph will fix it tomorrow when she comes by" (I spend Monday's all day with her)
I said you go. Go fix it. Now.
He says "Baby, it's 10:00!"
I said go. She's up. You can be her hero. And it'll be one less thing for her to complain about to me tomorrow. It was like a light turned on in his head.
And he went. And said he will bring me back ice cream. ;)
+1 go me?
I got her a quote for the carpet. She said it's not her house, why should she put any money into it. Battle of the wills there.
About my kid, she did the whole, "He's not REALLY my grandson" bullsh*t to me, not him, when he graduated kindergarten. He asked her (as kids do) what she was going to get him for graduation. She said "a hug and a kiss" to his face and then lit me up after for having a greedy child.
Before I became FT carer for both parent's ( recently passed) I worked at a Private School for 14 years.... Grandparent's Day was always special
for our little ones. Sad she can't lighten up and enjoy her last years.
Daugh, sorry tomorrow is Monday. Keep strong, and yay! plus 1 for you. Keep it going.... there's an infinity amount of numbers...tomorrow start with 2.
BTW, you might want to check out the threads on dysfunctional families and narcissists.
You sound like a wonderful person. The others around you just seemed to be too tuned in to MIL dearest. I wish there was a way that you could peacefully move her out of your life. She is only 80 years old. Even in her poor health, this could go on for years. It sounds like it could wreck your life. You and hubby need to come to a meeting of the minds.