I'm worn out and feel a meltdown coming soon!

Get help in, even if they object. Explain to them that YOU need the help or there won't be anyone there to help them.

Let them know that the person(s) that come to help YOU will be screened and qualified, but PLEASE don't put this off any longer.

I am not a counselor, but I didn't want to let your post go unanswered. I do hope that some of the 'resident experts' will add to my post to help you decide what should be done next.

Start interviewing people that can come in and help you, before your stress gets any worse.

Be strong!

hey cutie it is a tough road

Kathy ... Please get yourself some help. As you know the trauma of being a nurse is nowhere near the emotional trauma of treataing your own ill parents. I don't know how you do it. Please get some help either in or out of your home. After months of stress I have my mother in an assisted living and it is much easier even for her and finally my own family is almost back to normal. If they can afford it .. do it now !

Would your parents listen to advice from a doctor? Maybe their doctor can insist that they need extra help. Even if he has to say it is because he thinks you can't do it alone, don't take it personally and let him tell them that. You could also tell them that your doctor insists you slow down and take some breaks.

My situation isn't nearly as bad as yours, but I work full time and my mom, who has Alz lives with me. About 10 months ago we had a caregiver start coming in for just 3 hours a day during the week. In addition to companionship for mom, she took over helping mom shower, cleaning mom's room, and doing her laundry. Those things only took me 5 hours or so a week, but just having that taken off was such a HUGE relief.

If you get some help how are you going to pay for it? You said they can afford it. But how are you going to get them to pay for something they don't want.

I am asking because I have the same problem. I need help caring for my mother but I don't have any money and she does. I have to turn her upside down and squeeze her to get her to pay for her health insurance. I can't imagine her releasing funds for a help (a Stranger!) to come in.

Let me know what kind of arrangements you make if you can get someone in. They wear you down so that it sometimes seems easier to keep on going rather than exert the energy to fight about a much needed change.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on your progress or not.

Hi Everyone. Thank you SO much for all of your replies! It means so much to keep connected with others who are like myself. It helps to not feel so alone with the huge STRESS that goes along with taking care of another person. I have talked to my mom and s-dad on several occasions about Assisted Living, or getting some help to come into the house and have told them that I CANNOT KEEP GOING ON THE WAY I HAVE BEEN B/C I HAVE TOO MUCH PAIN MYSELF AND HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I'M JUST EXHAUSTED! Still, they refuse to allow anyone into their home to help. It doesn't seem to matter to them that I'm suffering. They've seen me crying on several occasions b/c of the pain that I have, and they say nothing. They know that I can't afford to get a place of my own right now, so I guess that makes them feel more safe. They ignore my tears most of the time, which makes me feel even more alone. I know they need help, but wish they'd see what everything I'm doing for them is doing to me. It's bringing me down fast. I s/w a social worker the last time my mom was in the hospital, but I was told that since my mom refused any type of care at home, that they weren't able to do anything. I can't get any help as long as my mom and s-dad refuse it. They don't tell their doctors how much help they need at home. I guess they just expect me to take care of everything. I have nowhere to go to get a rest. I have no other family and people who I thought were my friends have basically abandoned me. I don't mean that to sound selfish. I think they probably were afraid that I'd ask them for help of some sort, which I never would have. All I ever asked was for emotional support...for someone to talk to and vent frustrations to. It sadden's me that I've lost friends b/c of the situation I've been put into.

I want to thank you personally Maggiesue!!! Your post said exactly what I've been trying to say, but didn't know how to say it. My mom and s-dad absolutely refuse to allow any other help come into help out and they don't tell doctors or social workers how bad things really are at home. They won't pay for anyone to come and help. I'm not their Power of Atty or anything like that, so I have no say. It's their house. I rent a room from them. I'm now taking care of most everything for them b/c I live here and have no money or means to get out. I have no money at all to pay for anyone to come in and help...and they wouldn't allow anyone in anyway. I'm at a loss and feel myself becoming more stressed and more physically and emotionally drained than I have words to describe. I see a councelor once a week and have 1 regular family practice doctor, which is all that I can afford, and both have told me that "I must get away from the stress I'm under 24/7 or I'll continue to go downhill." How can I find any peace? Sadly, the only peace in my future would be if I fall over from exhaustion or illness myself. I'm so depressed...I often pray I won't wake up in the mornings...but I do, and then have to take care of things all over again. I desperately need a vacation... I'm so thankful for my dog, Bailey. He's the light of my life.

I'd love to keep in touch with others here. How's that for trying not to sound needy? LOL... It really helps to know that there are others out there like myself. Bless you all!!!

Kathy

kathy i understand your pain, my mom has several stents both legs, colon, and renal stents..her dementia/alz is getting bad..i am all alone with her, my sister doens't visit or help in anyway..it has been this way almost a year. I have had several "meltdowns" and all the post reply's are correct..it is certainly a process that takes you places within yourself you never imagined.. but......what you are doing is the right thing and at the end of the day....you know you have done the best you can do and pray about and tomorrow is another day...good luck and keep in touch...This is wonderful website!!
lucy

I think a lot of elders have no interest in the state of their caretaker. Maybe fear keeps them from even considering that the caregiver is vulnerable to distress and sickness. Maybe it's just plain old self-absorption. But they will eat you up and take no responsibility for what happens to you.

Also friends tend to disappear. I had a friend who took care of her mother who eventually died. I called her once a week to check up on what was going on. Now that I'm in a caregiver situation that friend has disappeared.

Caretaking has so many negative connotations. Sickness and death are not high on anyone's list. I guess people just don't like to be around it. I know I don't. But here we are!

If you can't get any help to come in the house, I would give your mother and s-dad the info on who to call for help. Then I would slow down. Get "sick" and stay in bed all day. Let them open some cans of Ensure if they get hungry.

One thing I've found with my mother is she is very good at using people and if I poop out or do not deliver satisfactory performance, she'll find some one else.

For family gatherings, we cross a bridge over the Missouri River to get to my son's house. I used to have fantasies about stopping the car and jumping off the bridge. Then I pushed the fantasy a little farther and realized that my mother would be totally out of touch with my distress and I could imagine her wailing to the rescuers that there was no one to take care of her now. As I practiced my boundaries the fantasy began to change and now when we go across the river, I imagine stopping the car and throwing her over into the water. Hey you get your warm fuzzies where you can.

Hi Willow~ Yes it definately sounds you are burned out-to say the very least. Is it possible to have someone come in and take over -and give you some sort of rest? If so -just do it. Your parents may resist such help at first, and you will have to explain that you need some much needed 'me time'-and they will be in good hands. By making such arrangements, you will become better in your caregiving role, and also you will have some much needed space for yourself. You may want to contact your local agency on aging as well for their advice as well.
If possible, get back to us here at this forum.
Best to you and your family,
Hap

Wow Kathy! Start looking for help! You can't let your health go because they are stubborn. Start calling services in your area, and talk to their doctor for help in telling them that you can't do it alone anymore. Once you bring someone in to talk to them, maybe they will realize what this has done to you.
No one wants to let strangers into their home, but they will have to, or lose you and have no one.
Don't discuss it with them, just make an appointment to get someone there for a home visit. Their doctor can set up a home visit from the local VNA for weekly visits, and they can also help you find someone to come in and clean, etc. once a week, and stay with them while you get out.
Please don't wait for permission. Just get it done for your sake.

Hi Everyone :-) It's pretty early where I live (in PA), and mornings are the worst for me with my own pain from fibro, RSD, Osteoarthritis, myofacial pain syndrome, 11 herniated discs, etc... I find it very hard to get moving myself in the mornings, but I make every effort and keep moving. I'd rather try to keep myself in shape as much as I can, than to take the alternative route of just giving up and not being able to move at all. In spite of all of the pain producing conditions I have, I know I must keep moving and so far I'm able to "look okay". I have to keep limber somehow b/c I know it's my only way of having any sort of a future where I might find peace and be able to have a life again...I hope. I didn't mean to get off of the topic, but I mention this b/c of the way our own pain doesn't seem to matter to those we're caring for. I've already had a good cry or two, and am praying for the intense pain of my own to at least become tolerable. I do believe that these dependant, codependent, parents we care for seem, or choose to not notice our pain at all. As I've been reading the replies to my post, others have said all that I'm feeling and I too think that the ones we're left to care for really can't look at our pain, emotional and/or physical. I guess they should be scared b/c I don't know of anyone else that would do what we've been left to do on a daily basis...for FREE! I actually pay my mom $300 a month, out of my shameful amount of SSDI disability income, to rent a room from them...so I'm actually paying them for the caretaking, cleaning, vacuuming, doing loads of laundry, running for groceries, etc... They know just what buttons to push to make me feel so guilty that sometimes I fall into a panic attack. I really do love my mom, but I'm saddened that she chooses not to see that I myself need help! I've been through so much counseling and have seen so many doctors/specialists (when I had insurance), and I do work a 12 step program for "Adult Children of Alcohoics, Abuse & PTSD"). I know all about Codependency and know what tools I "should be" using. But how can I refuse to help these people when I see that they're running out of food, etc... I wouldn't clean the house at all if it didn't get to the point where I myself can't stand it. I've moved away from these people several times throughout the years. Heck, I've even moved out of the State three times in hopes of finding peace by putting a good amount of distance btw the demands and abuses that I lived with since I was 3 years old. I've always been alone and have parented myself and my own mother, always being there to "make her happy". I'm no longer angry about the past. I am very frustrated about the present and the future. At some point I feel I might lose my own mind...but am starting to think that maybe that would be a good thing. Right now I'm hurting so badly that I wasn't going to get onto the computer until later...but I need all of you! I can't tell you all how much I appreciate you! MaggieSue.. your story about the Missouri Bridge had me LOL!!! Stop giving me idea's like that...Hee!!! We must find some way to deal with the emotional stress, often emotional abuse, that we deal with 24/7. I used to have a great sense of humor. It seems as though everything about who I "used to be" is gone. I know that for as much as I'm frustrated now b/c of all of the demands, I'll be totally lost if/when something happens to my mom. I have no other family at all. I have nowhere else to go. I struggle with my own codependency and guilt, although I have no idea why I feel so guilty, since I'm the one always giving and giving (like I know all of you are too). At this point, I may be the one "to go" first. Then they'd have to break down and use their excellent health insurance & finances, and get some help to come in and take care of everything that I'm doing at present. Only then would they realize how good they had things when I was here to pick up all of the pieces everyday. Well, I'm off to have another good cry. I miss my real father. He was like a best friend to me. I was going to live with him until I got my life straightened out (re; pain, etc...), but I found him dead on the second day I was at his house. I never even got unpacked. That was years ago, but I still miss him terribly. One thing that I try to do everyday is to write a "Thankful For List"...where I write down 5 or more things that I'm greatful for. It helps...sometimes. I'm VERY greatful for all of you here!!! I hope your day is one of the 'better days'...
Please keep in touch (if you have time)... I feel close to all of you and am so very thankful to have found y'all!
God Bless you all,
Kathy

I too have become physically sick over having mother-in-law live with us. After a blow up this past weekend she moved in with a friend (the only one she has). I will tell you what I have been told - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. You have to. If your Mom and s-d have the means make arrangements for them to see several places and give them a 1,2 3 choice. BUT they have to go! It will kill you and then where would everyone be. My m-in-law hit me with a broom on Monday and I am filing a police report this morning. Make a stand and stick with it! Protect yourself and your health as you will not be any good to anyone dead! Prayers.

I fought getting help, but I had to make the decision to have a life or just exist. I will tell you that my saving grace is the gym. I'm 48, and I go every morning at 4am. Yes, it's horribly early, and most of the time I'm exhausted and try to talk myself out of it, but I go at least five days a week, and it's what keeps me (semi) sane. It's my time, for me, and no one else. As my body has improved my spirits have as well. I'm probably in the best shape of my life---and let me tell you, there's no better motivation then to be able and take out your frustrations on a treadmill or a weight set. My family barely helps, and I'm caring for Dad on my own. I just finally accepted that I am worth having some assistance, and I'm not playing martyr anymore. I don't know if this will help you, but I feel better about life and my future. Feel free to email me--I'd be happy to give you some ideas.
Lola lolacsd@gmail.com

Lola,

Where did you get the money to hire help?

Looking into it now, but my business partner found a couple resources here in San Diego that help you get assistance, as well as (for us) help from the VA. Where are you located?

Wow! My heart goes out to all of you!!! I'd file a police report too if I were you Impress6! My mom had to do that when she was the caretaker for her father... she hated her own father and the feeling was mutual with him hating his only daughter too. One night he (who "couldn't walk") walked down 2 flights of stairs and loaded a hunting gun my s-dad had and went after him. Police were called and my GF was in a Nsg Home in the blink of an eye! I have no husband, no help at all, and my mom and s-dad are not violent. (my s-dad used to become very violent when younger and I was TERRIFIED of him!). Picture me holding up at 'vampire cross' with my hands/fingers for you if you have to face your MIL again!

Lola, I'm so thankful that you're able to get some stress relief from going to the gym. I wish I could do that. I have a lot of severe physical pain, 24/7 and it's hard for me to commit to doing anything unless I Must. I'm also in the same shoe's with MaggieSue. I have no money. Right now my entire life is worth $5.67. My mom and s-dad are not confused at all and it's their house, so I can't make them bring help in. I'm really having a hard time today. Last night my heart went out of rhythm (?sp). I'm very nauseous and am sweating profusely right now (and intermittently all day since 3am) b/c of pain. I feel horrible. I can't afford to call my doctor. My family doctor charges $161 for a regular 15 minute visit. I can only see him 4 times a year for med checks. I've called before to get in on the same day and was told that I should just go to the ER b/c "their schedule was full." My dr. is off the wall! If I would get a visit on the same day, it would be charged as an "emergency visit", for which he charges $187!!! I went to the ER one time b/c I thought my back was broken, and sat for 5 hours before finally leaving, never being seen. I have too much pain to sit for such long periods of time. The usual wait in the ER at the hospital I'm close to is 8 hours. No kidding!

Anyway, I feel really sick right now, but had to connect with my buddies here on this wonderful CG support site! I Thank God for all of you! My mom knows I've been feeling really bad all day and is aware that yesterday my heart went out of rhythm, and this afternoon she reminded me that "I need to go to the store"... My mom is addicted to Diet Coke and drinks about 1 liter of the stuff a day. She's down to 1 can. The list of getting some soda for my mom has turned into a long grocery list! I don't know how I'm going to go to the store feeling so bad. It's not the first time I've had to keep going when I've felt sick from pain or whatever. I'm scared about my own heart also. My only family practice dr. refuses to treat me for my high cholesterol and trigs., etc... My chol is 264 and my triglycerides are 387! The trigs are s/p to be below 150! All of my labs are a mess. I don't eat junk food or meat and drink only spring water. I guess the cholesterol, etc.. is hereditary.
Again...Sorry for getting off of the topic.

I'm going to have to go now and try to get to the grocery store. As Carrie Underwood's songs says, I'm going to have to "Let Jesus Take the Wheel"!!!

God Bless you all!
p.s. If you're not Christian, I mean no insult, etc... by saying "God Bless", etc... How about, I hope your "Higher Power" is with you all and is providing you with strength. My heart goes out to all of you!!! You're all dear to my heart!

Kathy

Kathy
My heart goes out to you my fellow caregiver. I have been where you are and continue to be there for my Mom. S-Dad died about a yr ago. But before that it was pretty much just me for the both of them along with my FT job as a nurse. Most of us did not choose this life it just sorta came onto us. Whether it is because we are nurses or the only daughter or whatever--it is what it is. Having someone to talk to who understands and perhaps has been where you are helps. I empathize with you. Even when others help it still doesn't relieve you of the burden of worry. I don't have any answers for you just am living the same life. God Bless.

Get any help you need tell them in order to give them the loving care you wish to you can not do it alone. Enlist family, friends, doctors, outside agencies, anyone who can give respectful, useful assistance to you!!! You do not have to kill yourself to help your parents, if they were in their right minds they would understand this. Come here and vent keep us in the loop and insist on what you need, care giving should not take such a toll, it just shouldn't and I know it does. But if you are all used up there is nothing left to give!

So sorry you are having such a bad time of trying to care for your loved ones. REMEMBER THAT JESUS ALWAYS LOVES YOU, AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I pray alot to help me care for my 99 yr.old mother in my home, she has dementia and alot of other things also, Alot of days I feel alone, then I just have to drop my head and pray, "father, you know my stress, please help, help,help me through this . I am your child, and I need to feel you helping me." Amen.
Hope this helps you do the best you can. No one expects you to do a miracle, you are only 1 person.
May God Bless you.
A Friend going through the same experience.

Kathy,
This is Pat, I am going through some of the same as you. I have called Southern Care Hospice group to help me with my 99 yr. old mom with Dementia. They are very helpful, and come to our house to help me out. Look in the Phone book for their phone number in your area.

Well the VA is out for my mother. And she has money but won't release it so I don't know if I could get a charity or government operation to take her on. Did your dad have to sign for the VA help?

My dad was not a vet, so we do not have resources from them. I have called in Southern Care Hospice for my mom. It is paid by medicare for alot of my mom's needs and some of her medicine. They have really helped me out. My dad passed away in 1998.

Willow, now is the time for you to get "doctor's orders"----that is, a doctor's order for YOU to get the help you need. If you fall apart, there will be nobody to look out for your parents. Like the title of Leeza Gibbons' book says: "Take your oxygen first." Dig deep within yourself for the power and self-confidence you need to move forward in a healthy, proactive manner. You know in your heart what you need to do. Good luck.

maggiesue,

If your mother has money, the government will discover that plus charities will most likely inquire and thus very likely not get any money from those two places. Is your mother competent? If not and you have durable POA then you can pay for her care from those funds.

crowe is right, you cannot get money if you have money. It is for people totally strapped. I hope you can find a good program keep looking around.

Willow, Willow, Willow BIG HUG TO YOU MY G/F!

Yes it is a hard road, one we are not ready for. I started this fun game last year. I felt so alone when it all started I did not know where to turn. Seemed everything I called no one really help. I love when they say there is so much help available you have to scratch and dig for it. My mom did not want any caregiver either. Last year she ended up in the psych ward for acting up....so I took the Family Leave act at work and was watching over her for a month. At the end of the month things were starting to stabilize but she would not take her meds...so I had to look into getting someone when I started back to work. So the owner of the caregiver company was a big help - CAUSE YOU KNOW THESE HORRID ELDERS OF OURS NEVER FLIPPIN WANT TO LISTEN TO US, but they will listen to strangers. Well the lady talked her into having someone come 2 times a week for 3 hours. She let her pick the days and the timeframe. Well over time and today it is now 5 days a week 4 hours a day. My mom was arrogant and haughty about it..last year....but as she slowly aged more over time I had to increase it...now she wants someone who will be there all the time. I never relented into moving in with her and kept my job. I have no husband nor family either like you. I am an only child. What our folks like to do is MAKE US THEIR PRISONER..make us their caregivers. My parents never once spoke to me about future plans..just assumed like all the folks from the old country that you take care of your parents. Yeah that was like in the old days when usually the daughters were married and could stay home and take care of parents. But in todays world things have changed, we aren't all married and have to work for a living. Also if folks are Narcisstic they will not look at your needs. My mother is a Narcissist, she doesnt care either how much time I spend on her either, they just don't look at it from your point of view when they get to this age. They pretty much are in self preservation mode. So I get what you are going through and many of us here do as well. This site is a godsend for the simple matter we can come and least compare horror stories. Caregiving will wear you out and many of the symptoms you are showing ARE STRESS RELATED coming from caregiving. YES you DO NEED A BREAK. Okay now how to acheive it. It's a bummer they will not pay for someone to come in and give you break, because that is definetly what is needed in the situation now. Even if someone came and gave you a break for a couple of hours each day it would help. Or a block of time on one particular day. It's amazing how many suicide thoughts or running away from it all we have all had. I was wondering if you knew anybody who would come and give you at least a bit or respite? Try the social workers office again...I know they are useless been that route myself, but you never know what other options come up when you start inquiring. Perhaps call the locat Salvation Army see if they have something...call some local churchs and see if they have any groups that do community help...call the local hospital and see if they have any respite care workers. Sometimes other leads come up. But Willow you def need a break.

PirateGal,

That's a great story. I see where your mother had the option for a Stranger Caregiver by talking directly to the Stranger Caregiving Company.

I would like to know how you got your mother into the psych ward. I'd sure like to get my mother admitted somewhere. She plays games with her own doctor, like walks during the appointment before the doctor can get to her. He really is tired of her. There's nothing wrong physically, she's just old and nuts.

I'm coming up on my 8 year anniversary of doing this crap. Where has my life gone? I never, never, never thought I'd be dealing with nonsense like this. It starts out with a little help here and there and gains momentum. How did this happen? I hate her. I hate caregiving.

You need do break, but it is easier said then done, I also am my mom's only care giver, and work full time., What I did was hire a women 1 day per week, to keep my mom company, eat dinner and spend the night. My mom is very lonely, and just not motivated to do things unless I am with her, Believe me even that 1 day will help. If you can afford it go to to 2-3 days do it! My mom will call me 10-18 times a day when I am not with her, and it has driven me crazy. I have been made to set goal for myself, in order to lessen the problrlem. I am part of a study that focuses on the caregiver, to make us better equiped to handle our stress. Two points I had to face. I am my mom's life line, and she can't help her self, and can't change, so I have to change myself in order to be better equiped to get a life again. If we are not well, then our parents won't be well! Sit down and write what are the 2 things that bother you the most, and write down some options on how you can do in order to change Try it, it might help. .

maggiesue, Well what my mom did to cause herself to land in the pysch ward is this story:

Last year around May she started to get really crazy...and went bolistic about my dead fathers 2 vehicles and the car insurance paperwork. I told her I was going to put both cars in my name like I should have done right after he died (in which I did) and then she wents nuts about the insurance again...I told her I transferred it to my name...all I got was craziness...like No you did not do it right..I don't believe you..and all kinds of crazy stuff. Yeah right..you just call them up and change it to your name and done. So she kept calling me non-stop going nuts about this on and on for days and weeks. So one Saturday I took my phone off the hook at home and b/f and I went out for the day. Halfway through the day I checked my cell phone in which my aunt had left messages about not getting ahold of my mom. So my b/f and I went over there and was approached by the neighbor cattycorner across the street. She said they took my mom (by the paramedics) down to the hospital. She had gone to all the neighbors houses and was pounding on door crying saying some crazy stuff that the neighbor straight across the street had me put in jail...and that's why she could not get ahold of me. I don't know how she concocted this story...my mom has a serious control issue, she wants to control everyone around her. So they took her to the hospital and put her on a 72 hour hold in which they transported her 6 cities away to a psych ward...ta da...that is the story on how she ended up there. Her and and her crazy brain..which has always been crazy...my dad was too whipped by her to do anything right. Plus these Narcissists never acknowledge there is something wrong with themselves.

"I'm coming up on my 8 year anniversary of doing this crap. Where has my life gone? I never, never, never thought I'd be dealing with nonsense like this. It starts out with a little help here and there and gains momentum. How did this happen? I hate her. I hate caregiving."

Heck my 12th anniversary of Momster hell is coming and I have the same sentiments believe me. She is pyshco hell all the time...and will not go into a NH..."NOWAY" is the quick and loud retort I get from her.