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Today's just a rotten day. Abusive ex left me again (fine by me), I worry all the time about money (how can you get a job when mom needs you daily for hours for social time and companionship), etc. Mom moved here at my suggestion across the street in 2010. I've had it. She has gone downhill, is not the mom I remember. She is selfish, a closet narcissist (well I kinda remember that part), she's got clinical dementia now, she is HOARDING.... and I garage sale on weekends to buy and sell for the SOLE PURPOSE of paying my household bills and I JUST cut it doing that.... and of course she's alone in the world which she reminds me of DAILY except for me, so she comes and LIGHT UP buying crap she doesn't need so I guess I am enabling.

Today, I went over there to say hey let's get maybe 10 of your 3,000 knick knacks on board for the garage sale I want to have. She fought me, argued, said it's "all she has left" I said that's on YOU, mom. Everyone has problems, everyone is lonely but you refuse to make friends.

She said she doesn't WANT STRANGERS and THREATENED to sell the house and move again. I am DPOA over everything but what good is that when they threaten to sell.

I'm so sick of it I half wish she would sell and go. She's got about 400 silk flowers in there, 150 stuffed animals, and 300 candleholders. It's awful. Great stuff but it's AWFUL. She said, "It's MY house, I am here alone, and get out if you don't like it...."

I know you guys have told me she really CAN sell without a guardian, but dammit with a dementia diagnosis (she's on Namenda) can she REALLY? Tell you what, I am not making a damn phone call to a realtor. I'm so SICK of all of this. Then the GUILT card being played. I should feel guilty. No way. I don't. I'm over all of this.

Just a vent.

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I don't know what stage of dementia she is in. I do know that I put a chicken pot pie from Boston Market on her cold stovetop last night and an hour later she called telling me someone took it. whew..... looked high and low, no pie. Well it turned up somehow in her pantry by the washer. She has no recollection of putting it there and blew it off to me saying, "well, I go in the pantry a lot. I may have not known what it was (it was in a cardboard box) and just set it there. can we still eat it?" I'm like, NO we can't eat it! It's been out for a full day! She says well it's cooked chicken... I said no no no... throw it out. I have no idea what stage she is in, but it is vascular so the next low peak I will be calling the doctor.
Just worries me she and I looked for it for an hour last night and she had no idea where it was, and she put it there!
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Do you know what stage of dementia she is in? She may be at the point where she needs full time care. If you can't do it, she may need to be in a NH. I don't agree with the other posters here that she is just trying to control you. With dementia, she is losing mental capacity. She is most likely afraid and confused, and letting her fend for herself may result in the house burning down with her in it. Take care of yourself, but see that she gets the care that she needs, also, whether it's from you or from someone else. Good luck and hugs.
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Nikki,

I am no pro. I'm not in your position (yet), but I know it's coming. My mom lives directly behind me. She's mean, and she is a hoarder. My dad is still alive, too, and they are still together.

After reading your original post, I have decided I will not let my mother control me, which will be EXTREMELY difficult because I am an only child. But I can literally feel your pain and frustration right through my computer screen. All I can suggest for you is to do what others have suggested: let her go. Maybe not 100%, but 98%. Take one phone call a day. Don't answer the others. Get a job and tell her you are working and cannot speak on the phone or you'll lose your job. Take her a couple of meals a week and enough groceries so she can fend for herself. Let her sell the house. She's just blowing steam, like my mom does. Let her hoard. You can't stop her anyway, like I can't stop my mom. Just, ...let her. When she threatens, say, "ok". Call her bluff. And if she actually does sell the house, well, I hate to say it, but good riddance. (You and I both know she won't.)

You are absolutely going to go looney if you don't draw and show her your boundaries.

So, please, take a deep breath, get a grip on your emotions. and take care of yourself.

Sharon
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Sodon, that would be fine and dandy if she didn't have dementia. She's not a b*tch, she is just lonely and leans too much on me. I can't just desert her to drown in her flowers. I wish it were that easy.
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Get a job. Take care of your kids and yourself. Forget about your ex (both of them.) Let your mom stockpile candle holders, figurines and all the other crap she likes to hoard and let her fend for herself.
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Yes, I have. The PTSD is a result of the 8 year relationship I was in with an emotional narcissistic person. I am trying to "get back to myself" whilst taking care of mom. I really hate drama now, which is why, as you can tell, I don't deal well with demands made on me by mom - because most of her needs are taxing emotional ones.
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Hope you start/continue with treatment for the PTSD. Most people would try to support you in that.
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Vegaslady, I'm co-dependent. I'm familiar with what bi-polar is, and I have seen a psychologist. My problem is doing too much for others. I'm not bipolar. Very soon I am going to be contacting someone (within the year) as an in-home companion at least for a day or two a week so I can get a much needed break. I have PTSD from my relationship with the guy; it was that bad. so I know what I have to do.
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Heck let her call the realitors! After a few minutes with her they will figure it out, and she will be entertained and you will get a break. You have DPOA and I assume she has a diagnosis from her Dr? If she is on Namenda I think you may be able to over ride her! Maybe calling her bluff will be enough. I agree, don't give her your work phone number. Or maybe hire a companion?
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Maybe your mother is gaslighting you, Nikki.
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Perhaps the boredom of your marriage was replaced by the drama of the other guy. Now you get the mama drama to keep you stimulated. Have you been checked for bi-polar disease?
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I'm 48 in August. I ruined my marriage for this awful abusive man who was so wonderful at first (I was bored and ruined my 8 year marriage!) My kids suffered, I paid mentally and emotionally through the nose for my mistake. On top of it, mom came to live across the street when dad died, now she has vascular dementia and the abusive ex left, the husband isn't sure if he wants to work on things (understandably!) and I am dealing with financial issues, 2 teenagers, and mother.

Mom is not a grown woman. She was "never" a grown woman. Ever. Dad met her when she was 16 and he always took care of her, like a child.

I bought her a Boston Market chicken pot pie tonight. It was too big for just her plus you know it comes with cornbread) so I brought over an hour or two ago, left it on the stove, said I'll be back around 7-7:30 we'll heat it up and eat together. Well guess what. IT HAS DISAPPEARED. She said I never brought it. I'm getting panic attacks of course I brought it. I left it on the d*mn stove. I checked the whole house (looking through flower arrangements and candles, of course) and could not find the cardboard box with the chicken pot pie in it. She says she never saw it and she thinks someone is in the house with her. omg i'm losing my mind. I tried to keep calm and exhale, and told her, ok, I am going home to look. I will let you know if I find it. I'm home now breathing. OF COURSE I DID NOT FIND IT IT IS AT HER HOUSE - scary she doesn't remember seeing it, nor moving it. I think this is all too much. And she says I am "blaming" her for losing dinner so of course I'm the bad guy.
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Nikki, I don't know your age, but mom isn't MAKING you do anything... maybe undealt with dynamics of your family... the old guilt that lost its power a long time ago... ect..... you are a grown woman.... so let her leave.... or let her talk about it.... she is a grown woman also..... we are all accountable for the choices we make.... you deserve to have a life.....she isn't going to do anything long term.... stand up for you.... no one else will...prayers for you to not be blinded by guilt....
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"I have to be the one to provide companionship because without me, (God forbid I actually get a JOB) she will LEAVE."

You sound like my sister. Where the heck is she going to go? She would find it difficult to sell a house, in the condition that you describe. Please let her go. My 69 yo sister died, doing just what you are doing. She had a massive blood clot, hit her lunges.

We tried and tried to get her to quit waiting hand and foot on Mother. It was mom's house and at 93, she was going to do what she was going to do. I tried to tell my sister "answer the phone once a day and then, say "I will talk to you, tomorrow." But, no, Mother kept her on a short leash. She wasn't allowed friends, barely got to church and couldn't date. I said "Quit telling Mother stuff." But, I don't know, maybe she wanted punished for something.

Anyone can get out and put boundaries in place. Go somewhere for the weekend, just don't do something that you don't want to do. Your mom can't call you at work, if you don't give her the number. If you have to tell her "I am working in sales, " do it. Just don't tell her where.

Good luck. My mother is healthy and happy at the nursing home and we just had a nice 95th BD party for her. She tried the controlling stuff on me, the week I was there, though.
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thanks everyone who answered and was not judgmental. This is my only venting place. I have to be the one to provide companionship because without me, (God forbid I actually get a JOB) she will LEAVE. Plain and simple. I tried a part-time job 2 days a week once, from 9-12:30. IT LASTED TWO DAYS she was miserable and on the phone and called the second I pulled into the driveway since she could see me pull in from her window across the street. She needs OTHER PEOPLE but you can't force them. I guess all you can do is pull back from them, but then you are the awful person in their eyes. It's a no-win right now. She is healthier than I am at 91!
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Nikki, maybe you don't have to be the one providing companionship and social time. Get a job and line up someone else to visit her, take her to day care, or leave her alone to dust the candleholders. Or maybe she'll get a string of realtors in to talk to her. Maybe your should record your DPOA as a public document so if she goes to really sell it will show up in the title search and somebody will be in touch with you. Slightly different thought here....several years ago a lady hoarder and her husband, with two houses because one wasn't enough for all the stuff, were getting ready to go on a trip. Apparently she had some dementia and when she couldn't be found to leave for the trip they thought she had wandered off into the surrounding desert. Or been taken, or something. Search parties found nothing. Several months later she was found, yep, you guessed it, under the fallen junk in house number two. So moral of that story is just be sure the rabbit trails through the junk are wide and secure enough. Check on her once in a while and let her have her junk. If she's not hoarding trash, the place isn't infested, and she eats ok, and toilets in a proper place, let her go. Will anything you do make her any happier or healthier or safer?
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Dear Nikki, I am so sorry, and feel the same way. My mom had a massive stroke four years ago, had to sell her home and move to the NE with the only child who would care for her. My siblings have never come to visit, and I am so sick of getting 4 to 6 phone calls a day from her, and it's like a three legged tripod, every time I fix it another leg gets kicked out. My mom left when we were little kids and has been a terrible mother and grandmother, and this is the woman I have to care for. But my inner core tells me it is the right thing to do; she has no one else and my siblings are cruel towards sick people. I am so tired and sometimes see no hope; my mom is 81 yrs. old and they live to be 90 or more in the family, the idea of my life being in suspended animation for all these years having to take care of this woman; and she made me take care of her ungrateful mother (my grandmother) as a child, I feel like I am repeating a family script. But in reality, who is going to take care of old people? I guess having someone to care for you is a blessing, at times I feel like I am flunking at this life task and taking it out on my mother, Oh Lord, just give me the strength to keep going, I also have my own teenager in the house who has had to help with grandma.
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