I was hoping to find support, and instead felt judged.

I am sorry you feel hurt.

However, it sounds like you got advice you didn't like and you're reacting. If you are broken (and caregiving will do that, no doubt) then you need help. As in you cannot keep doing this. At this rate you'll die before the ones you're caring for. The people telling you things you don't want to hear have been in your shoes are trying to help you.

As I'm sure people have already told you, you didn't get stuck with this. Even if you truly did, you are not able to do it anymore. There are options out there.

Squirrelma, I am so sorry for the physical and emotional exhaustion you are feeling.

I just reviewed the responses on your previous post and they don’t seem dismissive to me. Could your extreme fatigue and broken-down feeling be, understandably, coloring your reactions these days?

Don't give up on this forum. I did not read your post and responses but generally speaking this forum is amazing and you can just ignore the advice that does not feel helpful to you. There must be some information that you can use even if some is not to your liking.

I can understand being burnt out. Most of us are, to varying degrees, or have been if their LO has passed.

Many of us didn't choose our situations either. My situation - I was OK with my parents moving in with me and hubby. Problem is I was ignorant of how the future would unfold. I didn't know dad would die shortly after moving in. I didn't know mom would get dementia and live much longer than her parents and my dad. If I had known these things, I would have played my hand MUCH differently.

While your options may be limited, why do you think you are stuck and have no options?

Don’t dismiss help so fast. People on this forum are super helpful and offer advice which could be subjective but not harmful.
But we all as caregivers suffer lots of judgement especially from armchair critics, I just tell them talk to me after you do caregiving for at least a year.

I've also read your other thread - you said your mother is a controlling narcissist who treats you badly and has made you believe she is your responsibility.
I can't see that anyone was judging you and I'm not sure what kind of answer you were looking for, none of us are able to wave a magic wand and make your life instantly better. Please continue to reach out to your therapist and ask for help making a life that is separate from your mother, I think it may be necessary for you to get yourself physically away before you begin to see there are other ways to live. Change is hard but you ARE worth it... best of luck.

I believe that Squirrelma has left the forum. She apparently is seeing a therapist, which is the place she is most likely to receive the help you needs.
I wish her well.
I think that we on Forum try to give the best advice we can with little input. We really aren't responsible for the "feelings" of others, unless we deliberately set out to hurt them. Often honest advice and input is hurtful in life; it's always best to remember that we ASKED for advice. We can then hopefully take what is of value to us,and leave the rest sitting.

How do you go about finding someone's old threads? I looked through a couple of pages and never saw one authored by OP, so I have no idea of knowing what she's talking about.

Here's her thread: https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/my-mother-is-an-extreme-narcissist-she-treats-me-like-her-personal-robot-im-burned-out-breaking-ment-475601.htm

She never even responded to any of the comments on her thread, except for the post that started this thread.

i read her previous post and didn't see anything judgy or dismissive, but when you put your mind in the place of someone who is suicidal and hopeless, and re-read the post, it makes more sense. to a suicidal person, hearing 'contact the suicide helpline' or 'see a therapist' is dismissive. akin to telling someone stuck in a deep hole to just climb out. that level of depression is paralyzing and you're telling a paralyzed person to just get up and walk. this is not the fault of anyone who commented and everyone was trying to help. but the disease of depression is so insidious because it makes you refuse the help you actually need. yes seeing a therapist will help and is what she desperately needs but it seems impossible to attain when you are stuck 20ft down in a hole. honestly calling 911 and saying you want to kill yourself is probably the best thing here and would result in a whole lot of machinery starting in motion that would lead to the needed changes for both the poster and her grandmother but is such a big dramatic step that a depressed person would almost never do it.

Cignal, we are not professionals or operating in a professional capacity knowing a person. When suicidal ideation is mentioned AgingCare will always step in and say how limited a forum of people commenting on elder care are in the face of the danger of suicidal ideation. We here can give sympathy, but it is dangerous to think we can offer help, and our best guidance is to tell the person to run, not walk, to the nearest ER for help, or to call the National Suicide Hot Line.
I agree with others who say that Squirrelma did not respond to suggestions or attempts by some to help. She may be severely depressed and is almost certainly in need of professional help. Depression often manifests as anger, and if you read the original posting by squirrelma you will see she received advice about the suicide hot line, sympathy and our best wishes and hopes for her. Yet she is angry and she feels judged. I hope she will continue in her therapy as this professional is the one who knows her and her situation the best, and is the most likely to help; and if she is NOT helping her, then it could be time to seek another therapist. Whomever picks up the phone at the National Suicide Hotline is trained a good deal more than I am to offer Squirrelma advice. We are just a Forum of ordinary people.

@alvadeer if you read my post and interpreted it as finding fault with commenters you need to read it again. i said it's not the commenters' faults and that depression can make it seem that suggesting professional help is dismissive even though it's exactly what they need. the exact 'anger' you yourself are referring to is the same thing i'm referring to.

Gotcha, Cignal. I reread more carefully and see what I missed. Yes, I think we are barking up the same tree. I misread. Apologies!

Squirrelma
Hoping you seek out hope and good care for yourself anywhere you can find it. Don't give up. If anything can be common to many caregivers it is getting stuck doing it all alone. It is not possible to foresee there will be no help from siblings. It is disheartening to have wasted what little energy one has left seeking help from siblings or from professionals. There is no crystal ball telling us what the demands will turn out to be once we choose to be a caregiver. The needs are evolving, changing. But no one can or does do it all alone 24/7.

Reposting this advice to you:

[ AgingCareCM
Jun 23, 2022
Hi Squirrelma,

Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself! ]

You did choose this. No one is forcing you to care for your childhood abuser and current tormentor. People here care so much about you a total stranger that they dont want to see you do this to yourself. Imagine total strangers who care so much for you as opposed to your mother who is still just as evil and rotten today as she was when you were a child.

So sorry you were on the receiving end of unhelpful comments. Sadly it's not unheard of here. (Been there) When one finally reaches out, a few supportive words can make a big difference. Let's have each other's backs!

All 10 comments WERE quite supportive & cheering you on:

For gods sake please stop this insanity. You already injured your back lifting her and this abusive woman doesn't give a damn. Do you want to be permanately disabled due to lifting her? Back pain is serious and can be permanent. This abuser hasn't shown one bit of empathy for you and treats you like a slave. What a shame your partner is allowing this woman to be moved into the home you share with them. Seriously consider not doing this and putting her in a facility. Isn't it time you stopped being abused by her?
 
This isn't love. This is you living a pattern she created when she abused you as a
child. I wish you could take that child and hug and comfort her and love
yourself enough to walk away from your mother. She will take until from until
you are just a walking dead person.
 ****
How can you make any progress in therapy if you're living with your abusive mother, and now planning to 'move her into your partner's home?' All the while, suffering from 'depression, anxiety, PTSD and thinking of suicide daily.'
 
Your
mother is on hospice, meaning she is thought to have 6 months or less to live.
Why not move her into a hospice house to live out the last days of her life,
and you can go visit her there instead of insisting on subjecting yourself to
more torture and abuse? I seriously doubt anyone is expecting you to keep this
up, when you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty for the woman!
You also have an injured back now, so when is enough enough?
 
You
love her, yes, but sometimes you have to love YOURSELF more than you love
subjecting yourself to this type of treatment from someone else. I hope you can
recognize that before it's too late.
 
Good
luck.
*****
In the U.S., hospice services are generally only provided if the recipient is medically expected to live 6 months or less. If your mother is indeed in her last months, leave her 'at home', and insist she accept some hired assistance for lifting, etc. If she doesn't accept, she lays there. She made that choice. If she complains about the food you provide, she either eats it or doesn't. Her choice. Something I know about extreme narcissists (my mother was one); they don't want to accept any responsibility whatsoever, even to make their own choices. (They can't complain and demand if they made the choice, can they?) One reason your mother has gotten so demanding, is that you let her get away
with it. Decide what YOU are willing to do and not do, and implement it. You are not responsible for her choices.
I
urge you not to move her into your partner's home: if you think things are bad
now...
**************
" I'm in therapy, but I can't make any real progress, because I'm still living in the dysfunction she demands. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD, from the abuse of my childhood. I am so depressed now, that I think of suicide daily. I am in the process of moving her out of her house (where I have been living since she broke her hip 5 years ago), and into my partner's home."
 
If
you aren't making any progress in therapy, time to consider a different
therapist. Does your therapist know you think of suicide daily? Did they think
it was a good idea to move your mother into your partner's home?
 
"I
wanted to care for her, because I still love her, despite
everything. "
 
Love
doesn't mean that you have to be her caregiving slave. You can love from afar.
She should be living elsewhere, and you can visit her if you think you need to
do so.
**********
Continued

I know how you feel. But, you have to without looking at consequences of your action get out of this situation.
You are suicidal and that is priority for you to deal with. There is nothing as
important right now, only for you to get help immediately! Hire somebody, put
her in care anywhere.
She did it to you all your life and you are suffering greatly. In what universe you deserve this?
I say it once and thousand times, people who abuse caregivers don’t deserve caregiving.
Sorry to say that, but I had similar experience with my mother, I did realize 20 years ago she is not capable of loving anybody, so I let it go.
Caring now for husband with progressive PD I believe I derive strength from my experience, but, he is the best person ever, although if on occasion he starts any complaining I stop it immediately by redirecting or leaving.
***********
 
Hi Squirrelma,

Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!
************
You may need to consider placement now that you are suffering both mentally and physically. You say your Mom doesn't have dementia. That means it is really up to YOU to decide how your life will be going forward, and you aren't seeming able to do that despite the problems you have.

Of course you love her, but you aren't God. You are a human being with human limitations and it is time to embrace and honor them. We can give sympathy, but we aren't professionals and that's what needed to begin to walk a path that diverges from the well-trod path of habit.

I sure wish you the best and hope you will pat yourself on the back when you get help; it takes great courage to change yourself. Mom, of course, will NEVER change. She already has found what works well for her. You are still on that journey. Please seek the help of a therapist to work out creating boundaries you can both live with.

***********
Oh my. First, please - get yourself some help right away. For yourself. Everything else is secondary!! Call the number that 97yroldmom listed above and talk to someone right away.

You need a break. You need some time away from her to process your next steps and make a plan for your life. Living with a narcissist is extremely hard. Caregiving is very hard. Combining those two things is a next to impossible feat, especially without help.

I will second Isthisrealyreal's question. Why are you moving her into your partner's home? Why isn't the move from her home to a facility where she can be cared for 24/7 by someone else while you move on with your life? You don't mention how old you are or how old your mother is, but right now, especially in your mental state, you do not need to be attempting to do anything but take care of yourself.

It is time that she be somewhere that others can take care of her, while you take care of yourself.

Right now you need to focus on what you need. A narcissist is never going to leave you room for that because they only focus on their needs. No one else has any needs as far as they are concerned. The only way you can focus on your needs is to make sure she is somewhere safe taken care of by other people so that you can get the time you need to take care of you.

Please take care of yourself!

*******************

Why are you moving her into your partners house?

Move her to a facility and go visit.

You matter too! Regardless of what she has knocked into your head over your lifetime. She doesn't get to keep abusing you unless you allow it. Put in earplugs & do the bare basics of care!

Feel that. I got blasted too

I was away during this thread. This OP has a lifetime of abuse to deal with. She needed to deal with the fact long ago that her Mom does not have the ability to love. And no matter what she does for her will make no difference. She will still be mean and spiteful. You either walk away or stand up to her. Mom needs OP. If OP feels some obligation thats OK but she does not need to put up with abuse. Treat Mom like a child. You will do for her when she is nicer to you.

Me, I would not have put up with it but then I was not ever made to feel I was here on earth to do my parents bidding.