Follow
Share

I cant do this anymore as ive been on here typing my mum threw another trantrum and just stormed off to bed banging doors etc... I know she is bored and takes this out on me but im done i cant live like this anymore i want my life back.

She wont go to respite so i can have a break even though its free?
she refuses to let me take control of her meds which is dangerous as shes not taking them.
She wont wash much and pees all over the place.
She cant cook anymore as shes left stuff on the hob
She wont eat unless im here
She wont go to daycare
she wont go to doctors
she wont allow me POA
she is becoming more and more aggressive and im finding this scary

Do you think its time for her to go into a home now as i just cant cope alone anymore.

In january the nurse said they would get her a carer to come in everyday for her meds but this has not happened.
we have a carer who comes 3 times a wk and does nothing as mum wont
let her?
She will not cooperate with anyone carers OR me
Im sick in my stomach with anxiety as i feel this is it i cannot do this anymore i want to be her daughter again and see her when i can and get her the helpy al she needs to stay alive.
She wont let anyone care for her so why do i bother she is becoming a handful and im so tired i cant stop crying.

I want this to end now and soon my caregiving days are over I just cant live like this, everyday is a row over something to do with her care and she just wont cooperate.

I need to talk to family and tell them its a NH or i leave.

In oct i have a courtcase which will be the first time in 5yrs i will have the money to leave and do something with my life ive realised now that im wasting my time being her caregiver as shes going to get worse she was always an unhappy woman and she will get more bitter,angry etc i cant make her happy so i think its only fair that shes in a NH where her needs are met as if this continues like this she will die.
She has diabetes has been told to excersise or she will lose her use of legs but she just dosnt care.

I am just drained and want a bit of peace in my life its no life with no support or family to help out.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

19 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
Kazzaa, your caption says "Im done and think a home is now is the only option!" I'm agreeing with you. Be done, and get Mom placed in a home. I'm not telling you to walk away. I'm telling you to do what you say needs to be done. Continue to love her, visit her, and advocate for her. I would very, very rarely think that "walkng away" was a good solution. But continue to do the 24/7 hands-on caregiving up-close-and-personal is not always the best solution, either.

You deserve a life.
(2)
Report
Blujean thanks! Mum was scary tonight she kept staring at me then just jumped up and hurled abuse then stormed off to bed i dont react anymore she HATES me on the internet i dont react or say anything as i dont want to make it worse i just ignore her most of the time its the only way unless shes in good form?
Shes sleeping alot more also which i think is not good i know she wants to die but i never approach this with her ive found choco wrappers all over her bedroom and i didnt buy them so she must be buying behind my back sometimes i think shes trying to kill herself with the diabetes she very well could.
You get so drained that you just want them to do whatever it is they want so you can have a bit of me time? If wed have behaved this way as toddlers she would have hit us with a shoe!!
Your post is sad but funny and describes this well yes shes getting bored and its my fault. She was a good mum although never happy but she wouldnt have ever wanted to end up this way its so unfair shes had a hard life and she should go in peace now as her life was not a happy one and i cant do anything about
(0)
Report
Oh yeah, if someone else can't stay there because you don't have the funds to leave YET. Then, take her to a relative's house "for a few days". Do what you have to and tell the relative you have some business to attend to that's urgent. It works better than someone coming to your house & sees you there and thinks that you are back on the clock, so they don't end up doing anything for her (because they think you owe her since you live there). Hoping & praying for you! ('Cause Lord knows, you need it)! Take care, love! blou
(0)
Report
Oh Kazza, This is scary! Listen to your instincts. When irritation has escalated to "combativeness" or aggression, person can misinterpret any action to help on your part as a perceived threat and act out defensively. Stay calm. Breathe & slow down. If Mom is very agitated you will not get anywhere. Whatever you can do to calm her must be done first. You may have to take a walk yourself. If making you both calm means doing nothing, then do nada. Whatever needs to be done, the first thing is always to "DO NO HARM". I mean, if it keeps her from getting to the point of scaring you w/ her aggression, don't do it. It's time to get the help she needs elsewhere & there are people who are trained for things of this nature. I know it's difficult. Can someone stand in for you if you suddenly had to take off for a week? You already know what you need to do. You definitely need some time away to even plan things out for Mom's care if you are the only one doing everything. I left for a week-end and Dad wanted to "feed the dogs" for me. "Ah, a sense of purpose and alone time again", I imagined he thought. He seemed to relish the idea. When I returned, he called my sis to come get her. He was packed & ready to leave again! Seems that he gets bored easily & wants continual entertainment. Soon as one gig is up, he wants the next thing immediately. Then, the next ....etc. It's fine while your stamina lasts. But, God forbid you should become tired, hungry, or stressed out. Kaz, you just cannot keep her happy all the time & it is not your fault. We that do this or have done this can say "we did our best " as long as we were effective. Not everyone can say that. That is important for me because no matter what anyone else thinks of the care I gave, I know, I did my best. I can live with that the rest of my life. We are going to get our life back. So, it will be sooner than we thought. So what? You can be happy and free to face the life that's ahead of you! Go for it! blou
(0)
Report
Yes JGIBBS twice ive seen your posts to me in the past and youre only support is to walk away even though TWICE i politely told you i have no money skint broke flat out there is no money in my pocket????????? do you understand where i am coming from because i find your support?? useless. I have looked after and cared for my mum on my own now for five years and if i cannot afford to leave here she will go into a home and i will stay in her house until i am ina position to leave i havnt nearly killed myself to care for her to end up on the streets and have no intention of making my life any harder. So i do hope this is going in this time that i dont have the option of walking away. You sound like you dont understand something here OR my moaning is actually annoying you.
(0)
Report
JGIBBS me walking away is not an option today yesterday or tomorrow as im blue in the face saying it I have nowhere to go YET?

Walk away and WHAT sleep in the street? No i go when i can afford it and when my mums safe. If my posts bore you then dont read them because i think youre only solution is to "walk away" and thats not always easy i think the main point im trying to make here is mum is getting worse and she needs a home.
(0)
Report
JB havnt seen you on here for awhile? good to see you again! I know you have same diagnosis with Vascular and diabetes mum wont eat right so the worse she eats worse her moods get and so on and so on until she has a stroke OR heart attack its very scary sh*t this like just looking at someone slowly lose thier mind everyday and theres nothing we can do.

I just want peace to wake up and not worry anymore to have her die peacefully in her sleep but thats never going to happen so i may prepare for the worst. With all thier issues i think aggression is the one thing that wakes you up to this illness her eyes dilate and shes looking like a madwoman.

JB you must keep your mums diet ok or does she too behave like this? if mum walked and ate better her moods would be better? when she was in NH at xmas she was perkier and alot healthier but said she hated it there and never was she going there again.
(0)
Report
Kazzaa, I don't really understand why you are still there. If memory serves (and, alas, it frequently doesn't) didn't you post similar things in the past? That you couldn't take it any more? I think it is really and truly time for you to retire from the full-time caregiving role, and sign up to be the loving visiting daughter.
(2)
Report
Captain I didnt take it as bad and i know you are right as my friend said same that this will get easier as to her aggression. i can understand you drinking as im often tempted but saturday i had too much wine and a bad hangover on sunday never again too old for that crap ok so i mixed rose with red bad idea!

My head feels like a "bag of frogs" right now so much crap in my life and i never get a break why do bad things happen to good people?

Thanks guys i need to get things moving here as my friend says put her name down for NH at least!

When my friends mum hit her over the head with a curtain rail she was in NH the next day!

Ive hidden all dangerous weapons and will wear a combat suit to bed!! I know this is not funny but its how i cope.

Im now going to take 2 stilnoct and knock myself out a good sleep is what i need and tomorrow may be brighter?
(0)
Report
If the road to longevity is dementia/alzheimer, give me the short road to just enough quality of life to eventually journey home.
(2)
Report
Blannie I hear you but i do not have anywhere to go even temporarily until this courtcase is sorted in Oct.

I will stay out all day tomorrow and stay away from her as much as i can as this aggression is scary she may even become violent i dont know what shes doing in her room now but shes banging alot of stuff around.

Captain says she may be getting worse now and is scared and now im scared that its all kicking off and i cant cope.

You can only get someone into a NH here by law if they are deemed " a danger to themselves of others" i think shes a danger here on her own but shes not on her own im here so as one post says they will do nothing until im gone or even then will they?
I will call nurse tomorrow and see what she says they can get her emergency respite but she like last time when i had the stroke refuses to go.

My family apart from one brother will say its her house and if you cant cope then you get out?

Curse this disease it destroys everyone.
(0)
Report
nothing easy about it kaz, didnt mean to imply otherwise. i drank a half pint of 190 about 2 times a week or my head would have broke .
i was only saying it got easier as mom declined . she needed more help and realized it . near the end she was dependant on me for almost every footstep as mobility got worse .
(0)
Report
kazzaa, I know what you are going through. No one really cares the stress we are under. It never helps me to think that it is the disease. It may be, but it doesn't ease the stress. So much of the stress is caused by our loved one trying to keep control. It all ends up sounding like no, no, no. And there is no way that we can make them do things. We can just tend to the messes created by the no's.

I hope you're able to get your mother in a NH when you get your money. I agree that enough is enough. The stress is too much for one person to go through for too long. It totally ruins our lives.
(0)
Report
Captain your mum sounded like a sweet old lady but my mum is a different personality the dementia hasnt made her nasty she was always nasty shes just got worse and more and more aggressive with this illness.

Ok if shes scared what do I do? she wont talk about it as shes never talked about feelings its not her shes been cold all her life.

The shrink is my only hope OR is he she cant live the way she is living anymore peeing in her room and then gets angry and aggressive when i go in to try and clean it.
Her dignity is well gone and she wont let me help i know what you mean about control but we have to take control of them shes nuts and dosnt know what shes doing shes becoming bored alot more now and agitated i just am not a shrink i dont know how to deal with this anger and aggression im a fairly passive person youre a soldier i am compassionate but who can cope with madness really
(1)
Report
Kazaa I don't know how it is in Britain, but I think you need to do something drastic. Here in the US, you could take your mom to an Emergency Room in the hospital and say you can't care for her anymore. I'm not sure what you can do in your country. I think so far the "powers that be" aren't doing anything because you're there to take care of your mom. So you need to leave and tell them you've left along with the list of things your mom can't handle - detail it ALL (and tell your siblings you left) and then see what happens. As long as you're there taking care of her, nothing is going to change, until you collapse. So you've got to take some drastic action. Worse case is you could come back if nothing happens, but if things are as bad as you say they are (and I'm sure they are), surely someone will take some kind of action if you're gone.
(1)
Report
Kazzaa, I hear your pain girl. My own Mom was doing exactly as yours but when she wandered off in the middle of the night I was given a choice by Adult Protective Services. Either I #1 volunteer to put her in a nursing home or 2. they would get a Protective custody order and do it them selves, however in the next 3 days it would have taken them to get the order if Mom were to 'escape' my house again and get hurt or lost The state COULD charge me with neglect of the elderly and I would go to jail and Mom would still go to the nursing home with or without my consent. Mom went to the nursing home that day. My guilt has faded some in the last 8 months that she has been there, and now I am finally able to sleep throughout the night without listening for her sounds of escaping or any of the other dangerous things she would do. I have no family that cares enough to help with her. I have to work everyday at a regular full time job so I can survive. So my only advise to you is to get her into a nursing home ASAP, they can and will be able to evaluate her daily 'performance', you and you alone will know what I mean by performance, they will get her meds under control even though it may take them a month or so, it's all a kind of trial and error process to see what works and what doesn't but at least there will be 24/7 care and evaluations by 'professionals' as the doctors won't take OUR word for anything. My other suggestions are keep up with the nursing home meds and dosages, mark ALL her personal possessions with her name and keep a list of what personal items you take there for her as I can assure you they will get lost or stolen. Even pictures, remote controls . Currently the nursing home has lost Mom's hearing aids, eye glasses, clothing, shoes, 2 remote controls, personal pictures, personal blankets, towels and wash clothes. As for her meds I found out Saturday the prescription meds that I have had to provide for her have come up 'missing' only then to find out that they are not missing but she is being overdosed daily. Instead of one per day they have been giving her 2 per day... this medicine cost $149.00 for a 30 pill bottle and it is a heart medicine!!!!!! So keep up with it, all of it. You'll still worry, there is no end to that, but as long as you are, shall we say, proactive in her care at the nursing home there will be less a chance for her to be 'overlooked' by the staff. Need to talk or vent email me. I truly understand.
(2)
Report
I know this is the worst part HOW? she is seeing her "shrink" in 2 weeks so at least i hope i get to talk to him about this.y

My family just listen and do nothing as long as im here with no money they think they can sit back and let it be. My friends mum says to calm down as this is the illness progressing faster and to wait and see as something is going to happen WHAT? i come home and find her in a heap.

My biggest fear has arrived its a NH or my mental health.

I will speak to her doc and see what happens this is a very scary place to be NEVER did i think my mum would end up in care. Her house can cover the NH so at least i dont have that to worry about but as you say what if she refuses? Here we can get "court order" if she is deemed a danger to herself?

But even this is not easy as long as shes scoring well on the memory tests they think shes OK to be alone its so stupid. I need my family here to back me up but thats a joke until the court case is over and hopefully i win they know im going nowhere. In one year of mums diagnosis NOONE has really come to tell me about all this crap thats ahead of me OR anything about dementia everything ive learnt is through internet and the great guys on here. I have done my best i know that but i still feel like ive failed her if she dosnt go to a NH i have no choice but to walk away and get my head together my brother is down the road but hes useless but at least hes not far.

I pray every day for a solution i know there is h*ll ahead she will not go to a NH unless she falls something scares her into one.

How do you cope?
(0)
Report
maybe shes on the decline and just scared kaz . as my mother declined she became the sweetest person id ever met and must have told me " thank you a hundred times in her last 6 months of life . dont take control of her . loss of control is her greatest fear and will get the most resistance from her . my mom ran my sis out of her life on multiple occasions in the last couple of decades . sis treats mom like an imbecile and tries to wrest control from her . mom wasnt an imbecile , she was an 80 yr old slightly eccentric genius , of course sis wouldnt be able to see that. ( f*cktard )
(0)
Report
It is passed time for her to get the care that she needs in a nursing home. You have tried and I bet that it is effecting your own health. But, if she is still somewhat coherent, how will you get her to agree to it?
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter