92 year old middle-stage Alzheimer's mom is madder than a hornet that she has a live-in caregiver.
Yes, she is on meds.
Yes, I am certain they are not the right ones for her mood swings, which creep up with no warning and are volatile as hell.
Yes, I have made an appt with a different geriatric psychiatrist, since her current one literally has "no time" to discuss mom with me since she also runs a teeth-whitening clinic. (No joke.)
The new live-in caregiver has a tough exterior shell which is good. Mom's name-calling of her being "as big as 3 people" isn't outwardly bothering her, although I am mortified.
Mom blames ME for her dementia and her living arrangements. What she doesn't realize is that if not for me, she would be in a long-term memory care facility for the rest of her life without her beloved dog she obsesses over. She would be out of her home.
She fights me tooth and nail.
The caregiver has to call me because mom will not take meds for her; only me. And mom's meds wear off every few hours... then her behavior ramps up FAST to the point where she is screaming, sobbing, and kicking the dog's bed about. so I need to go over there a few times a day. thank God I do not work in a full-time job or I don't know what would happen.
This morning I woke up with not just panic attacks, but chest pains.
I want to disassociate myself from her completely, but I feel awful for even feeling that way.
Yesterday she told me, "Don't call me mom anymore." "I don't have a daughter." and "how can you take HER side?" (caregiver) - But the icing on the cake was when she pointed a crooked finger at me and looked at me as though she were putting a curse on me, and said with a wry smile, "Your time is coming, and when it does I'll be there to twist it!!!"
ugh! Thanks for letting me post. Not a question really just had to get it out.
Her (awful) geriatric psych office called today to confirm an appt on Monday. I had told them I do not want to sit in that waiting room with her for an hour like I did at our first appt either. I mean, I sat there while mom fidgeted for ONE HOUR first appointment! It was over-crowded, and when I finally got to see the doctor, she waved my written summary of mom's issues at me and abruptly said, "In all honesty, I don't have time to read all this. Too much information..." I wanted to punch her. But since she is all I got until we meet with a new geriatric psychiatrist in early February, I am going back to her on Monday with mom for hopefully a good med change.
I have heard a lot about Ativan and Cymbalta. I am going to ask some real questions and she had better plant her butt down for more than 10 minutes to listen to me.
(whew, I think that was another vent!) I feel better already...
Tomorrow night, I am taking mom and her new perm caregiver out to dinner and it's the caregiver's payday. I am putting extra in her check. This is how we show appreciation. It beats paying a facility where mom can't even get her eggs the way she wants them (except on Saturdays!)
This is a good discussion, thanks for starting it. I, like most others around here, have such conflicting emotions about my folks.
Garden, here's the thing. Dad died in 2009; her LIFELINE. Then the original caregiver bailed, and even mom in her state of mind thought that was awful of her. Now, I'm not sure what is happening. I think mom KNOWS I will not abandon her. I think she knows she can treat me badly because no way would I desert her under any circumstances but darn it she sure seems to try. Part of me also has to re-think that altogether because she is treating the new caregiver terribly as well; so it isn't "just" me. She used to complain solely to me about her "sorry state of affairs" but tell you something - if she knew how some of the folks her age at 92 on the other side were living, and if she had the ability, she would thank her lucky stars I'm looking out for her.
Relationships can be so complicated at times.
I talk to mom about every night and it just depresses the living s. t out of me. They won't let helpers in the house yet, oh well.......Nikki, you and all the other live in caregivers are saints. Crazy I think, but saints.
Snowing like all hell up here for past 2 days. Big wind with lake effect snow off lake MI. Spent 2 hours on tractor blowing, now can't tell I was ever out there. Sposed to calm down tomorrow. More blowing, try to find the barn. Ashlynne, what part of the country are you in? BTW Nikki....Florida? I hate you......
All I can think of is, when she starts up, say "Well, it's either this way or a nursing home, your choice" and when she starts yelling, threatening etc. just walk away and go home. If she calls the cops, fine. They'll soon get tired of her wasting their time.
GA It's been snowing and blowing across these open fields for days Getting deep out back so I've moved the truck to the front driveway which doesn't fill up too much. The township keeps the road well plowed and, with 4WD and snow tires, I can always get out. Done basic chores, shoveled the front steps and filled the bird feeders. All cats/dogs are sleeping, wood stove running and we're hibernating.
Do you think she understands when you tell her you're through playing games?
And the wind chill is a warm 3 degrees above zero, much better than the negative wind chills in other states.
A little critter with a jleaping span of about 3' has dashed across the open area of the back yard, shortening its stride to less than a foot in the protection of the trees.
At least I'm not a critter that has to live outside in this weather. That's something for which to be thankful.
Nikki, I apologize for redirecting your thread but just had to respond to Jessie's weather comments.
I love the cold because it affords me the "excuse" to hunker down under an afghan with a Stephen King book and SOUP!
But this whole thing with mom is just getting dumb. I actually did stand up to her and say ok, we're done playing this game. Whether you accept it or not, this is how it is.
Her response? i'll call the cops! I said go for it. You'll be the one getting dragged away.
She doesn't get that it's "the law" for her caregiver to be there. She won't get it, or accept it, and she needs new meds for sure.
She has always been neurotic and a worrywart. oh, and controlling.
So there's probably some lovely disorder lying co-morbidly inside her head somewhere.
It's just a sad state of affairs. When I yell back, she tells me to get the hell out of the house and "take that girl with you!" Ha ha, as if.
As if it's a picnic for the caregiver. When I remind mom of her horrid behavior to her "guest" as she puts it, she denies EVER saying awful things to her.... (after I have heard her with my own ears.)
It's just a Carousel of Crazy 'round here.
Driving alerts, weather advisories, etc. are posted. The best thing to do is hunker down inside with some warm clothes and blankets and a good book.
My hot chocolate stash is going to be rapidly depleted.
BRING ON SPRING!
What I think we all need is a day on a warm beach, watching the waves roll in and out while we sip on our favorite beverage.
After reading about so many similar situations on this forum, I'm beginning to see this as somewhat like the Terrible Twos children go through when control is an issue to be wrested from the parents....foot stomping, screaming, tantrums, laying down on the floor and yelling, crying... and manipulating, or attempting to do so.
I haven't gone through this on any level as you have, but I'm just wondering, and hope others with more specific experience will offer their advice, if it's time to just stomp your foot and say NO!
Granted that losing control over one's bodily functions and house is traumatic, but the sturm und drang heightens it and really prevents any sensible solution.
Another issue is that there are the 2 of you in this situation, and 3 if the caregiver is included, and some compromise is necessary. She can't have her way all the time. This especially applies to staying in her house. If she won't attempt to cooperate, you can't be expected to bend over backward to accommodate her. Cooperation is a 2-way street.
She is absolutely miserable and when I yell back (because at some point, I can't help it!) she will begin to sob and cry that she wants to die. Otherwise she wants to kill me. She is losing control over what she says is HER HOUSE (and it is) and does not understand that we are just trying to keep her IN it so she can have one-on-one care. She insists she can live alone and refuses to move or to accept help. I repeatedly tell her "it's this, or that!"..... thank you for hearing my vent. It helps me.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as if the situation has improved any. I think your mother is guilting you and "jerking your chain" to make you miserable, taking all of her frustration out on you.
I don't recall if your plans were to keep your mother in her own home, but it sounds as if she's becoming too hard to handle, either for you or a caregiver. However, I don't know if she'd be better or worse (probably the latter) if you found a facility for her.
I haven't been through this situation and won't pretend to know what to do, other than recognize that her behavior is going to take a very severe emotional toll on you, and you need to remember that the verbal cruelty as well as the uncooperative behavior is probably going to affect you more than her.
The only thing I can suggest is to keep addressing the medication issue to see if one can be found that addresses this behavior.
I wish you luck and success; this is a difficult situation and I'm sure is very emotionally challenging and depressing for you.