Just an update and maybe some venting.
Hi all, I thought I'd post a little update and share my struggles.
Hubby and I bought an RV and took off in March with our 2 dogs. It was wonderful. I ignored all news from home until we were on the way back.
My brother has "taken over" her care now, which mostly means he's questioning every penny that was spent while he wasn't involved.
I had everything set up, forcing the "state" to take over her care; I had told all the proper authorities that I would no longer be caring for her. I even got a note from my Dr. saying that it was affecting my mental and physical health. But then they asked my brother if he would take care of her, and he said yes!
She's still living with me, though. And he kinda sorta deals with her, but she is constantly trying to suck me back in to her vortex of evil.
She has a lawyer and is trying to undo the contract and get her house back. I don't think she can, but she is great at acting the victim. I told her she has completely screwed us over, she said she doesn't care if I'm homeless.
I've hired a lawyer myself and will be fighting this. We sold our house and completely changed the course of our lives for her!
The sad thing of it all is, no matter how cruel she is (she literally put used tissues in the clean dishwasher so I had to redo the whole load yesterday) I still want to honour her, and the promises I made, and the contract that I signed.
Now my husband is in a deep depression, the dogs are stressed by the yelling, and everything feels hopeless. I've lost my therapist so I really have no one to talk to anymore about all of this.
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You seem very confused as to who your priorities should be and if I were your husband I would be long gone.
Move into your RV and get out of there, move on, your brother is not taking over care of her, you are,
This "I still want to honor her" is beyond my ability to understand.
I wish you good luck, as all this legal stuff will just confuse the issue further and cause more dissention.
It's not easy in Canada to get a therapist. I could get one that costs $200/hr, sure, but I don't have that to spend. Otherwise it's all wait lists for OHIP-funded care.
My marriage *IS* my priority, but it's actually my husband who doesn't want to leave! I would just rent everything out (my side of the main house, the small house, the barn, the land... and take off and live in the rv until she dies, tbh. But he does not like to be unsettled, and until the legal stuff is dealth with, we have no money for a new place; everything we have is tied up here. She really has screwed us over.
I guess wanting to honour her is a lot about feeling sorry for her. She's a nasty human being, for sure, but she's also a sad old lady throwing senior temper tantrums.
I find it ironic brother is helping mom when he and your other brother wanted to move her into a nursing home and you refused and decided this arrangement would be a good idea. Now brother is thwarting your attempts to get mom into a facility.
Sounds to me there has to be some Dementia or mental illness so can't make informed decisions so can't change contracts. I am with MeDolly. Find an RV park and live there for now. Your responsibility for Mom was done when brother said he would take on the responsibility. Let the lawyer handle Mom. Yours and husbands health is not worth all this.
Choose your husband over your mother. You need to honor him and uphold the contract you made with him.
I would happily go to an RV park, well campsite, for the season, but once it's cold we would need a home. Paying for this place, we can't afford another home unless I can rent it out. That's one of the things Mom is fighting me on, to ensure I cannot rent it out.
I agree that there must be dementia going on. I see her all the time, but these people spend 30 minutes with her and say she's fine.
She's started 2 kitchen fires in the last few months and I'm not even allowed to take the knobs off the stove.
I just am hoping to vent a bit here, because I currently have no one to speak to. There's really nothing that can be resolved right now due to waiting for lawyers and waiting for a dementia diagnosis!
So, your brother agrees to care for her. How is he doing any of the caregiving if mom is living with you? This sounds like a complicated mess!
Your mom is being neglected by your brother. Who takes two days to fill a prescription? Mom needs to be in a facility where her needs are met. You and your husband need your own space.
Who looked after her when you were on vacation? How did she screw you? Can you please tell us some background information? I’m not familiar with your story and your profile doesn’t cover everything.
Didn’t you initially offer to help your mom? I suppose that it didn’t turn out the way you expected it to. This is when you say to your mom, ‘I didn’t sign up for this. I am leaving.’
Can’t you tell your husband that you don’t want to share a house with your mom?
Her most recent moca assessment score was 26. The person who administered it said she didn't believe mom was "alert or aware" at all, but she passed the test, so legally, she is caring for herself. We just all know she can't. A nurse comes weekly to flush her catheter and monthly to change it. A PSW comes 4-5 days a week, for an hour, to give her a shower.
A bit of background: I'd been taking care of mom since her back surgery and cancer diagnosis in 2018. My Dad had been her caregiver for 15 years at least. She also had cancer in 1981 and has barely left the house since. Dad got cancer in 2019 and passed away in in 2021.
My brothers were NOT interested in helping me care for Mom. I tried to split up days, for each of them to come out one or two days a week and I would come the rest. I had to go back to work after years of not drawing a paycheque, after all!
So my choice was to put her in a home and sell off the farm or move in with her. So Mom met with a lawyer and they did up a contract. I got the house and my brother got $400K (which I was to pay him for my "half" of the house). We worked out how the house would be divided and how we would use the space. I was to be nearby to manage her care and the household, my husband the property.
Signed the contract, sold our house, moved in here, everything went to $hit. She refused to follow any of the rules or expectations. Yelled that she couldn't see out the one specific window (my bedroom...). Piled antique dishes on the kitchen table while we slept. Cooked and burnt food in the middle of the night. Stored garbage on the kitchen counters and sink. Complained that I didn't cook her breakfast. So much yelling, swearing, name-calling. I tried being patient, I tried getting a mediator (she kept cancelling), tried setting boundaries. Nothing works.
So now we are sunk in this house, which she is threatening to "take back" from us. We cannot afford to rent elsewhere unless we can rent this place out. She refuses to "allow" us to rent it out - God only knows what she has planned for tenant viewings!!! - so she literally has us by the b@ll$.
The lawyer has looked over the contract, and I am waiting to hear back from him. Right now, the house is in my name but the contract states that she can live here as long as it is "safe and in her best interest." So I imagine I will need someone to declare that it's not safe (for any of us) or in her best interest before she can be forced out.
I keep saying to my brother that she's either really cruel or has dementia, but it falls on deaf ears. He doesn't have to live with it, after all...
Got it! Wow!! I am so sorry to hear this. Yeah, you’re screwed!
I certainly hope that the attorney will have some positive news for you. I feel so bad for you and your husband.
I wish you all the best. I hope it somehow works out well. Sounds like you are going through hell right now.
A couple of ideas.
Did you sign a contract not only to sell the house but to manage her care as well?
If not, I would put the house on the market. It's a farm, yes? There is a market for occupied houses (as investment properties).
"Until such time as it's no longer safe?". Who decides that?
It sounds like mom may be mentally ill, but only mildy cognitively impaired. Can you get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist? I would consider making an appointment for yourself and bring your mom along to help explain your issues.
What did you do with the money from the sale of your house?
If mom is trying to undo the contract, negotiate with her. Sounds like she would owe you $400k.
Knowing a little about our Canadian health system, have you contacted Home Care, I believe it is similar in every province?
They can do assessment for safety, neglect etc.
It looks unsafe for her and for you and your spouse.
What if she cooks at midnight and starts fire?
What about both of you not being safe?
Thank you for your reply.
CCAC is involved/has been (LHIN) since her cancer diagnosis in 2018. They keep changing up her case coordinators and nothing gets done. She did finally get a mini moca done and scored a 26 (just passed), even though the person administering it said she did not seem alert or aware.
Safety is the main issue now for me. She did start one fire at 130am. Thankfully the smoke detectors in the house work! The fire department was called, it was just a kitchen fire but the air in the whole house was filled with smoke.
We don't sleep well anymore - one eye/ear open all the time.
The second kitchen fire she started, I was out in the field and heard the dogs barking like crazy, knew something was seriously wrong and came back to the house and sure enough, another kitchen fire!!!
The social worker (CCAC) after the first fire agreed that the knobs should be off the stove and she should not be allowed to cook, but then she passed the moca and was declared competent.
I spoke with a lawyer today and have some hope that things might change, unfortunately it could be a long process yet,
Very good point! I did not sign anything regarding providing or managing care. It literally says, "The parties hereto agree that [Mom] shall continue to live at the Property for as long as she wishes, and for as long as her residence there remains safe and in her best interests. [Mom] shall never be asked to vacate the premises for any reason other than her own care requirements as determined by [Mom's] attorney under Power of Attorney for Personal Care, should [Mom] become and remain incapable of making her own accommodation decisions at some point in the future."
Other than that, everything was verbal agreements, and she clearly has not upheld anything we discussed. I don't believe I should have to, either, even though that part of me feels I need to keep my promises!
The lawyer feels we need to do a guardianship application. He doesn't feel a judge would refuse it, based on her starting fires alone. I have tried to get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist, but she refuses. I've had appointments set up, and when they call to confirm she cancels. The lawyer may be able to get a judge to force her to get a full assessment via a capacity assessor.
The whole process, he warned, would be approx. $20,000(!!!) but would ultimately come out of her estate.
The money from the sale of my house has gone to my brother. I had to tell my brother today, in writing, that any money he has received would be called back if Mom successfully reverses the contract, but that I would get my money back and essentially be put back into the position I was in before this happened.
I do like your idea of selling with a tenant, though. I'm going to keep that in my back pocket!
Oh! The lawyer did say that Mom would screw herself either way. If she says she wasn't in her right mind, she would be declared incapable and I would be her guardian. If she says she was in her right mind, the contract would be upheld (and she'd be expected to behave accordingly!).
At leas now my brother is worried (not that I want him worried, but it could make mom easier to deal with) as he would likely have to sell *his* home to pay me back! What a mess she is trying to cause!