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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your profile says taking care of your mom, living at home, primary problem ability. Here you've posted your mom's age of 93 (yours of 50) and that your 86-year-old dad still works. OMG, what does he do? Is it to earn money, mental diversion from mom or the desire to feel needed in a job as men often do?
Is there an implied question in here, just a comment to get to know you, or the beginning of a vent? Whatever it is, you've come to the right place.
I'm inferring that your dad is gone from the house when he works? Does that pretty much make you the 24/7/365 caregiver? I'm also inferring that you either don't work or you do some work out of the house? Are all of you in their home or your home? Since you haven't mentioned dementia and competency isn't an issue, I'm supposing you have all the necessary legal paperwork in place: trust, will, durable POA, health care POA? Right now, if something happen to either of them, the other spouse could make decisions. You need to have things in place in case something happens to one of them and you need to make decisions for the other. Are there other siblings? If so, be cautious. As you will read many times while reviewing this site, those with the heaviest or primary care taking responsibilities are often perceived by the parent(s) as being dictatorial, abusive & the takers away of Independence. Then the parents are persuaded by the other siblings to give financial control to them (ie: all the legal power). And instead of standing behind you which would be the right thing to do, they are happy to have control with no responsibilities.
Correction ... voice recognition on my android gets words wrong here and there. I was trying to say that you said the primary problem with your mom was "mobility", not "ability".
Hi, I am working, not Dad....Mum has Community care come in twice daily. I have a seasonal job that I love at a garden centre. My parents and I live together in a moderate size home. I do the housework, cooking and laundry. My issue is boundaries...trying to maintain my own privacy. I am asked constantly what did you do today, etc. I used to have my own home, until divorced, no children. I miss my own place, but it's not possible to leave now.....does anyone identify with these feelings?
I read it as Coburg was working as well as caregiving. Maybe the 86 year old is working, too. I have a feeling I will be working at that age. This is the third time I have attempted this "question" today. WTH. What is your point, Coburg? Do you want confirmation that you are a hero, or what? Yes, working and caregiving is eventually double, no triple duty. :) xo
Simultaneous posting. (At least I was half right.) Maybe they forget you are a grown man. Reality check. Get out regularly, find a nice girlfriend, make friends with a kindly neighbor to babysit. God Love you, Brother:) Stay with us. It helps. Vent. We hear you! xo
Oh, haha, I attached the dangling participle to your dad and assumed he was the worker. At 86 I'm glad he isn't working. Unless you've posted privately with ChristinaW and she knows you're a man, I don't see that in your public post so which is it, M or F ? Maybe you don't want to find a girlfriend.
But, I digress, on to your situation. First, I would reiterate my questions in my first post, which I think are still important. But you didn't ask that. Let me address privacy and boundaries.
Whether your folks have dementia or not, as parents age they become more isolated, you become their world, they're all my point of contact with the outside, you are the only source of vicarious experiences for them. Naturally, they're going to want to experience your life by osmosis. This could become draining for you or you can flip it into a game, have a little fun with it, and make it neutral so you don't feel invaded.
My example involves a friend with a 60 year old ADHD daughter. She is functional, does errands etc, that is bored out of her mind because she isn't it interesting, doesn't do anything interesting and doesn't find what other people do very interesting. But she is very interested in what she's done. She will arrive home and go through a laundry list of what she's done that day, I went to the bank, I went to the post office, then I went to the dry cleaners, then I took mom's things to Goodwill, then I stopped to have lunch but I didn't like anything they had so I waited till later, then I went to Staples, then I decided I was hungry so I went back to the health food store and got a salad. Her attention span is that of a jumping bean. Learning how to communicate with her 40 years ago has helped me with the mindlessness of dementia folk and some elders who are on that path. Here's the game: what you tell them is up to YOU. Mentally file away what you do when you go out then mentally edit it before you get home. Even before they ask you, give them a rundown of all the boring things you've done that day, leaving out any personal or private things that you don't want to tell them. I think you may be in resistance about them asking you in the first place so you're feeling possessive about every single thing you do during the day. They just what to communicate with you and be a part of your life. So let them be, about the trivia. I don't believe don't know the difference, they'll be satisfied and you won't feel like your privacy has been invaded. As our elders continue to age, it's less and less effective to think in terms of setting boundaries. If you're going to be the caregiver, YOU have to be the one to find your comfort zone because they can't change.
CarolLynn - I agree. Tell them LOTS of stuff. It doesn't have to be true. Tell them about a story in the paper, or something from a book, or your opinion about politics. They want to hear stuff. It will be a kindness to tell them stuff, and still keep your business to yourself. Make a list of topics you are happy to talk about, and topics they would like to hear. Tell them about office politics - but leave out the part about your role in it.
Part of caregiving is doing things we would prefer not to do. Telling them your business is something you would HATE, so don't do that. Giving them some chatty news is only something you would prefer not to do, so try to do it.
Try to get into a mindset of having compassion for them. If you can do that, it makes everything so much easier. Try to love them even when you are irritated. It's for your own good! Best wishes.
Just because they ask questions doesn't mean you have to answer. Chat about anything or change the subject. Elders forget easily with just a nudge by you in another direction. Even a "Oh let me ask you this first.... " or a simple yes/no with another question from you will get them off the subject of you. Think of other topics to ask about and how to say it so it will be on your lips when you need it. God Bless.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is there an implied question in here, just a comment to get to know you, or the beginning of a vent? Whatever it is, you've come to the right place.
I'm inferring that your dad is gone from the house when he works? Does that pretty much make you the 24/7/365 caregiver? I'm also inferring that you either don't work or you do some work out of the house? Are all of you in their home or your home? Since you haven't mentioned dementia and competency isn't an issue, I'm supposing you have all the necessary legal paperwork in place: trust, will, durable POA, health care POA? Right now, if something happen to either of them, the other spouse could make decisions. You need to have things in place in case something happens to one of them and you need to make decisions for the other. Are there other siblings? If so, be cautious. As you will read many times while reviewing this site, those with the heaviest or primary care taking responsibilities are often perceived by the parent(s) as being dictatorial, abusive & the takers away of Independence. Then the parents are persuaded by the other siblings to give financial control to them (ie: all the legal power). And instead of standing behind you which would be the right thing to do, they are happy to have control with no responsibilities.
So, if you want, tell us a little bit more...
I am working, not Dad....Mum has Community care come in twice daily. I have a seasonal job that I love at a garden centre. My parents and I live together in a moderate size home. I do the housework, cooking and laundry. My issue is boundaries...trying to maintain my own privacy. I am asked constantly what did you do today, etc. I used to have my own home, until divorced, no children. I miss my own place, but it's not possible to leave now.....does anyone identify with these feelings?
This is the third time I have attempted this "question" today. WTH.
What is your point, Coburg?
Do you want confirmation that you are a hero, or what? Yes, working and caregiving is eventually double, no triple duty. :) xo
Maybe they forget you are a grown man. Reality check.
Get out regularly, find a nice girlfriend, make friends with a kindly neighbor to babysit. God Love you, Brother:) Stay with us. It helps. Vent. We hear you! xo
But, I digress, on to your situation. First, I would reiterate my questions in my first post, which I think are still important. But you didn't ask that. Let me address privacy and boundaries.
Whether your folks have dementia or not, as parents age they become more isolated, you become their world, they're all my point of contact with the outside, you are the only source of vicarious experiences for them. Naturally, they're going to want to experience your life by osmosis. This could become draining for you or you can flip it into a game, have a little fun with it, and make it neutral so you don't feel invaded.
My example involves a friend with a 60 year old ADHD daughter. She is functional, does errands etc, that is bored out of her mind because she isn't it interesting, doesn't do anything interesting and doesn't find what other people do very interesting. But she is very interested in what she's done. She will arrive home and go through a laundry list of what she's done that day, I went to the bank, I went to the post office, then I went to the dry cleaners, then I took mom's things to Goodwill, then I stopped to have lunch but I didn't like anything they had so I waited till later, then I went to Staples, then I decided I was hungry so I went back to the health food store and got a salad. Her attention span is that of a jumping bean. Learning how to communicate with her 40 years ago has helped me with the mindlessness of dementia folk and some elders who are on that path. Here's the game: what you tell them is up to YOU. Mentally file away what you do when you go out then mentally edit it before you get home. Even before they ask you, give them a rundown of all the boring things you've done that day, leaving out any personal or private things that you don't want to tell them. I think you may be in resistance about them asking you in the first place so you're feeling possessive about every single thing you do during the day. They just what to communicate with you and be a part of your life. So let them be, about the trivia. I don't believe don't know the difference, they'll be satisfied and you won't feel like your privacy has been invaded. As our elders continue to age, it's less and less effective to think in terms of setting boundaries. If you're going to be the caregiver, YOU have to be the one to find your comfort zone because they can't change.
I agree. Tell them LOTS of stuff. It doesn't have to be true. Tell them about a story in the paper, or something from a book, or your opinion about politics. They want to hear stuff. It will be a kindness to tell them stuff, and still keep your business to yourself. Make a list of topics you are happy to talk about, and topics they would like to hear. Tell them about office politics - but leave out the part about your role in it.
Part of caregiving is doing things we would prefer not to do. Telling them your business is something you would HATE, so don't do that. Giving them some chatty news is only something you would prefer not to do, so try to do it.
Try to get into a mindset of having compassion for them. If you can do that, it makes everything so much easier. Try to love them even when you are irritated. It's for your own good! Best wishes.