I'm at the end of my tether with my manipulative elderly parents who live overseas.

faraway, I feel your pain because my mother used to do that to me when I lived in another state. It always made me feel so guilty. My parents were not willing to adapt their lives to the changes, so expected someone to step in so they wouldn't have to. Several years after this started, I finally caved in and moved to be with them. I am glad that I hadn't done it when my mother first started her woeful calls to me. That would have been over 10 years.

I think in your position, I would be looking around for a promising assisted living community near you. That way when you Dad passes and Mom comes to visit, you'll have a nice place where she can stay that isn't with you. From what you write, she would probably drive you crazy if she were under the same roof.

This is a wonderful place to vent and I have a feeling that you need to. We're all ears and heart here when it comes to caregiving.

Thank you JessieBelle, you are more loving than me to have moved to be near your parents and thank you for your very kind note. I would love to put her in assisted living - but she would make a HUGE issue of 'why don't you want me' so I'm preparing to hide behind the 'you don't have healthcare in this country (which is true), and can't stay in the US beyond the 3 or so months (not sure how long) that your visitor visa allows..' etc. She's also from a mediterranean culture that doesn't really believe in assisted living. Kids are supposed to look after parents.

She almost wants me to say 'you can't live with me' because that feeds her 'poor little me' attitude and she can get sympathy about that from the few masochistic people around her that believe her lies.

Yes, you're right our marriage would be over and my kids would be in therapy if she were here for more than a few days. Skype calls are screaming matches between her and my father..I hit mute so my kids don't hear.

Thank you for also for just acknowledging I need to vent. I feel guilty doing so. My husband's parent are younger and still active (he's an only child too) and he doesn't sometimes understand how nuts the situation is between my parents and how much hurt I was growing up with that woman. I hesitate to say 'my family' referring to them because I don't feel I've had a mother- giving birth isn't enough to make one a mother, behavior towards a child is the key. I feel terrible saying these things about them, but to ask me now to 'look after' them in the way they didn't look after me as a kid is painful. Yes I had food and shelter, but emotionally they were completely absent and I got out as soon as I could. Now they rest of the family (her siblings) is sending me emails saying 'oh we can't look after them even if they move back here to their town, they are YOUR parents.' They know there's weirdness but they wash their hands of it, as they did when they allowed my mentally ill mother to move overseas with me as a small baby and start the abuse. The best thing my husband has ever said in regards to this situation is 'you're so not like your mother' that was a big comfort, though I knew it deep down!

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said they are not willing to adapt to changes and want to live the illusion that all is the same. Self awareness is so so important imho.

Thank you for your virtual hug!

Oh dear, crazy knows no borders. Sounds just like my mother. She has been mad at me for moving to a different state (my husband lost his job) for 20 plus years. It is all about her.

These types are all the same. Me, me, me and some more me. I don't blame you for wanting them to just leave you alone. I hope things work out for you in the future and just don't buy into the pity party. They love it when they have an someone to whine to. Set borders and do what is reasonable for you and your family. She will never be pleased, so don't try to and she will use you up if you let her. I speak from experience. Good luck.

((((((faraway)))))) I so identify with what you wrote about the phone calls, only I have, over time, stopped answering them all, and hung up if they got difficult. My parents ( dad is dead now for years) are of European origin though they moved here. My mother is now 100, has Borderline Personality Disorder, is narcissistic and lives in an ALF. She calls rarely now, but emails me occassionally over 20 times a day. I have drawn some very firm boundaries recently as a number of the emails are abusive.

My advice is to extricate yourself from these daily dramas. You do not have to be a participant in the Skype or telephone dramas. You are choosing to do that by talking on the phone daily, continuing Skype sessions even when they deteriorate into yelling sessions etc. It sounds like your mother, amongst other things is narcissistic, so what she craves, more than anything else is attention - at any cost. If you refuse to give her that attention - which she demands on her terms - she may not continue. If you draw some boundaries, she will find someone else eventually, to feed that need. In any case you will be out of it. You can tell her that you will take, for example one phone call a week, and let the others go to voice mail, and that us the converstation is not pleasant, you will hang up. It is not your job to mediate between your dad and your mum. Not your problem - nor is it your problem to provide a home to your mother once your dad dies, no matter what she says. She is competent mentally - it is her job to provide for herself. Do not fall for the line that it is your job to look after her. You need to develop a bit of a thick skin around people with these problems. Yes, she will say things to peoiple who will listen - you can't change that, but do not let it drive your behaviour. In fact, that must not drive your behaviur.

There is a website that many find helpful - google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers (we are not allowed to post links here,) and you will find many of the interactions between your mother and yourself, and information that will help you

Quote - She almost wants me to say 'you can't live with me' because that feeds her 'poor little me' attitude and she can get sympathy about that from the few masochistic people around her that believe her lies.

My experience is that my narcissistic mother will always find someone to complain to, and to bad mouth whoever is not doing what she wants them to do. You cannot change her - only yourself. Obviously you cannot have your mother live with you, or even stay with you for long, I totally understand, as do others here. My mother abused the privilege of visiting me, so I finally had to put a stop to it. You do not have to do what she wants. You can decide what works, and doesn't work for you aand that is what you need to do, and tell her - clearly - and don't argue ir try to justify yourself. It might be easier to put it in writing. Will she use that to create drama - sure, but that is what her life is about anyway, and if it is not one thing it will be another. She wants to play victim and poor me - so be it.

Detachment is needed to survive a parent like you mum and mine. here are some notes on detaching, I have shared before on Aging care.

Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,

Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame, and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them -e.g get off the phone or Skype if your mother displays negative behaviours
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail by fear, obligation and guilt (FOG)
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and YOURSELF with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.

and finally - a saying that means a lot to me - by Paulo Coelho: "When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself".

Put yourself and your family first, and, particularly, look after you. Counselling might be helpful in dealing with this. I have found it so. The stress from parents like yours and mine is hard on mental and physical health. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) Keep us updated. Joan,

oh no i just wrote a long comment and 'there was a problem posting' arg.

yikes.. anyway since i can't remember it all. i just wanted to say that thank you so much joan - the paul coelho comment was very on the mark.

i have analyzed my mother so much over the years but like you concluded there is nothing that would satisfy her. let's say i did everything she wanted. essentially moved to her town with my husband and kids, became a slave to her. she would still not be satisfied. i concluded long ago, when i was a teenager that there was s'thing wrong with her. and slowly i stopped telling her anything important. this made her mad. but if i told her something she'd use it against me immediately. if i didn't, she'd get mad for 'not sharing' but as it became more important for me to find 'me' it became more important to keep the newly found me away from her vindictiveness. she would even call my office and try to either bad mouth me to my bosses or tell sob story lies about things that made them innocently find me and tell me to call her (then i told them she'd nuts). this has not been easy in my career.

i have self sabotaged myself before she could, either by not taking on projects i knew i could do, or working below my capacity. yesterday, after reading your post, my eyes were wet and i recognized so much of what you said.

you have so been there joan, and the other posters in this wonderful community - thank you so so much for reaching out and helping a stranger. it's the first time i posted and i feel like a 'bad daughter' even now sometimes. i do not hang out on self help boards, but after yesterday's screaming call - (i'm hyper calm, because she WANTS me to get angry so she can then be a victim. the calls end when i keep calmly repeating to her that i can't help her if she interrupts me every 2 secs. she then tells me to go to hell and puts the phone down, then writes me a long snail mail letter about my failings. i've stopped opening them but will keep them for my kids when they are grown so they know.)

living overseas there's not much she can do to me, but the one thing i'm worried about is her not leaving me a very special house in her will. it's our grandparents house, small, not valuable, but the only place i was happy in my childhood. they played with me, they loved me openly. (i have no memories of her playing with me, i do have memories of her walking away saying she's busy if i came in from a playground with a scraped knee, or after severe bullying at school being told 'i must have deserved it - at 6 years old' ) . so i don't tell her i care about this house, or she'll use that as blackmail.

otherwise i'd break off all contact. and if things get much worse, then the house may not be worth the pain of continuing to be in contact with her. she calls (not skype_ almost every day, repeatedly -and if i don't pick up - then when i eventually do the first minutes are a diatribe about 'why didn' t you pick up). i have continued with skype once a week for about 10 mins, so that more my dad (who is v old but pretty harmless now, though he can be critical too) can interract with the kids who he sees about 2 days a year. but now my kids are old enough to know that it's not normal that grandma tells them the drawing they did is bad, or that whatever pursuit they share with her 'is a waste of time' i stop skype at the first abusive comment. i literally sit there with finger on the mute button. inexplicably once in a blue moon she doesn't say something offensive.

i am absolutely dreading going there myself, alone for a week soon, to help them sort out some things, but also secretly to talk to my parents doctor. my mom tried to have my dad certified as mentally incompetent so she could control his finances and so on. but the mental health professionals didn't buy it and reading between the lines of their report, they are aware there's something wrong with her.

one thing i don't understand is loving a mother who is like this. i haven't loved her for decades, and i don't look for her love any more. hopefully that will make it easier when she dies. but i do feel weird when people talk about normal weekends they have with their parents, or that they call their parents on mothers' day or something. i also have a very difficult relationship with my mother in law, who is generally a sweet person. but she didn't have a daughter (my husband is an only) and she wants me to be that fantasy best friend and daughter. as you can imagine that sends shivers up my spine since closeness withe a mother figure = pain for me.

so how does this end? is there relief when the person dies? can these people be 'trained' like you train a toddler to share toys or whatever. i know i've suggested counselling to her but she flies off the handle ad denies there's anything wrong with her. 'course she does.

i also looked at your link joan- didn't work but it did lead me to a few google searches and i found lots of other stuff lie a book called 'will i ever be good enough. there's a therapist in colorado who deals with daughters of narcissistic mothers and she has a good quiz on her website to help determine if yours is. i'm not sure of the difference between that and PBD, there may be some overlap.

anyway thank you all.. i will try to help in return if YOU need an ear to listen, though you are probably much more experienced at this than me! (i'm in my early 40s- my parents married not for love, but because that's what you just did then. they have nothing in common and both are weird, though my dad is loving in his own way, played with me and so on. he'd have been a healthier person mentally without my mother but with a normal wife. and i remember surreal conversations as a kid where i felt he was confiding with me about job stress or whatever and it should be to her but of course she couldn't help. i tried to play the role of adult listening to my dad, but i didn't have the tools for it of course!

anyway.. hugs to all.. you've all really helped me.

I have a narcissistic mother oversees, who behaves exactly the same way. My father has died many years ago. I have a brother who is also a malignant narcissist. He is 62 and I am 58. The best way, I think, is to maybe help financially and arrange for your mother to have some help. Don't live near her, especially, if your children are young. My mother really hurt emotionally my three (now adult) children, as she was spending 6 months each year in our home! Now my brother is divorcing his wife of 35 years for a younger woman, but he is upset because his adult children figured out that he is a narcissist and they are avoiding him. So my mom's latest words when she called to wish me happy birthday: "your brother is miserable, even suicidal; I am very worried. Anyway, happy birthday and don't concern yourself with our misery!"
Again, try your best to not live near your mother; as damaging as phone calls are, personal contact is much worse.

I think this is a case of drawing hard, firm boundaries and enforcing them ruthlessly to protect yourself and your kids. When your father dies, find your mother a quality assisted living facility just far enough away to give you an excuse not to visit more than quarterly. Call bi-weekly, and otherwise let the chips fall where they may.

Hi again,
I discovered my mother is a malignant, engulfing narcissist (plus she has histrionic personality disorder) two years ago at age 56! I was having problems and one of my adult children suggested that I look up NPD. The next thing for me was therapy and it has helped a lot.

I come from a Mediterranean culture; graduate studies and employment opportunities along with the fact that both my husband and I feel that we fit better in this culture than the one we were born into made us decide to stay in this country and become Americans. For the first 25 years of my marriage, my mother spent 6 months with us in the states and she demanded that I spend at least 2 months in the summer at her house! Then she decided that she was too old to travel and so, my wonderful husband and I invited her to come and stay with us for good; we were going to start the process of obtaining a "green card" for her. She refused our offer in the most insulting way and decided to stay near my brother and his family; my brother is also a malignant narcissist and her golden child. So we kept going for a month each summer to see her and spend the whole time with her. Up until two years ago! I had all kinds of health issues and psychological issues to deal with; I couldn't take it anymore.

My mother tells me the nastiest things about me (she is ashamed of me as she told me 2 years ago), my husband (after 40 years of seeing me so happily married, she told me she wishes I had never met my husband!!!), and my children (she puts down everything they do, their marriages, even their looks); she insults us all the time; she lies about everything. She befriends our old friends back in Europe and she badmouths us. She has one rage after another and you can never know what caused it. She is envious of everything I do. She is a typical malignant narcissist and my brother is the same. So I decided to go low contact with them. For me it means calling on Skype three times/week for an hour! After each call, my hands are freezing cold and I have palpitations! I don't share anything with my mother anymore. I don't even know that she has noticed! It's all about her anyway.
So here is my question: I plan to go see her this summer, but only for one week and I will stay in a hotel (she liked the idea of the hotel). Is this enough time? I dread it. But I also dread telling her it is going to be a short visit! She will have a rage! What should I do?

My mother, an A1 narcissist, made my whole life a living h**l and it was only a couple of years ago I discovered the term narcissist and looked into it. Once I started coming here I realized just how many narcissistic mothers are out there destroying other people's lives. I cared for her for four nightmare years until she went into a nursing home in November 2012 but that didn't stop her. Eventually I changed my phone number, telling her it was playing up and I got rid of it.

Out of duty I ensure her bills are paid and she has all she needs but I visit infrequently. After each visit I feel quite ill for the next couple of days. I have no feelings for her whatsoever and never did. The stress of the years has affected my health, I've aged terribly and my hair is falling out. For my health and sanity I had to get away from her and try to rebuild my life, These toxic people suck the very life out of you and will continue to try to do so until they die unless you get as far away from them as possible.

I know what you mean about our health being affected. After I went low contact and after therapy and a lot of help from my husband and three adult children, I feel much better. Still, the thought of a phone call makes me uneasy. It is very sweet of you that you provide for your mother. My mother is financially secure and where she lives, it is inexpensive to hire live-in help; she has that. She is 93 years old and doing pretty well health-wise. She also has my brother living in the same city; he visits her twice a week and calls her twice a day! They are so similar!
I hope you have people in your life that can help you mend your health. You are right that we should stay away from them as much as possible. I just dread spending a whole week with my mother and brother next June.
Take care =)

Rena I tend to be a private person and I've been holed up doing basic chores and sleeping a lot. Starting to feel a bit better and, with the start of spring, looking forward to gardening and getting out and about. I know what you mean about phone calls. Before I changed my number I'd get screaming tantrum phone calls almost every day between 3 and 5 p.m. As 3 p.m. approached I'd be filled with dread, stomach pounding. Once 5 p.m. approached I knew I was safe for that day at least. Due to the stress I had a blackout driving my truck at 85 miles an hour. It just lasted a few seconds, no harm done, but it scared the devil out of me. That was the last straw.

I live out in the country with my beloved dogs and it's very quiet here so it's a good place to rest and recuperate. What I, and many others here, are experiencing right now I call the road to recovery.

rena - do what is good for you. Enough tie is what suits you. There is no absolute. You will never please her anyway. Yes, she will be angry, but do what you have to do for you anyway. I have called my mother a rage-a-holic. Low contact is wise and probably necessary for your survival. I could not possibly skype 3 times a week for an hour with my mother. I can barely spend an hour in her presence a few times a year these days. It doesn't seem to get easier and she gets older and her mental problems increase, I get older too, and am less able to deal with the stress.
Detach as best you can from the dramas - be humane but don't allow damage to you. (((((hugs))))) Come back and let us know how you are.

^5 emjo. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't but in the end it's us or them and we have to detach to save ourselves from the nightmare.

As many have said, it doesn't matter how far away you move. Even a short distance is a world away to some. My MIL gets upset and stops talking to my husband and I for at least six months every time we move, and we move every few years, so we've spent a lot of time in silence. And, get this, sometimes we move closer to her and can see her more, but she still gets upset.

Basically, she hates change. She hates it that much that she resents us for the changes, even when they get her closer to what she wants, which is probably to see us more often.

So, as angry as your mom seems to be about the situation, it doesn't mean that she'll move, either. Just because people hate a situation doesn't mean they'll agree to any change that would make it better. It's part of the human condition, but just a lot more obvious in your mom.

So, try to beat yourself up less than you might feel that you should, because there's only so much you can do. I admire you for being quick on the mute button to shield your children because if they can maintain any kernel of positive memory of their grandparents, that would be a kindness to them, and I admire you for making that effort in their behalf.

Ashlynne, I looked up your profile on this website and I saw that your mother suffers from Parkinson's. My late mother-in-law did too, but she was the sweetest, most caring, and loving woman ever!
I am glad you live in the country and you have the dogs. I love gardening too. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time outdoors and it was such a blessing. I hope also that you have close friends to help you. Good for you for not talking on the phone anymore. I totally feel the same when I have to call my mother. My oldest daughter (36) who spent a great deal of her life (unfortunately) with grandma (6+2 months/year in the same house) told me that when she is about to call her grandmother, she gets sweaty palms! You are absolutely right that we need to recover from the horrific abuse. I am so glad I found this site (only yesterday!) Big hugs

emjo, you are absolutely right! There is no absolute and I can never please her anyway. So true.

One time, four years ago, I didn't manage to travel to Greece (this is where I am from) in the summer because I got pneumonia ... in July and my adult son had a serious operation in August. So I called mother and I told her that I bought a ticket to go see her in October for a week. She had a rage! "If only for a week, don't come at all" she said. My husband changed my ticket and made it for two weeks. Of course, she was not pleased, but had to make do.
Three years ago, I got a phone call from my N brother that our mother is in the hospital with heart problems and it doesn't look good; if I want to see her before she dies, I should go. Of course, I took the first flight I found to Greece. It was a very expensive (last moment) flight with many stops. I arrived at the airport exhausted and in bad shape, I took a taxi to the hospital, and I found my mother doing very well and actually fighting and raging at a nurse! She was out the next morning and I spent 2 weeks with her which included the Greek Easter; my brother and his family had tickets meanwhile to spend 10 days in Cyprus! I didn't know anything about narcissism back then. Now that I know, I can see what happened: mother was enraged at brother and family for wanting to leave her to spend Easter alone (with the live-in help plus many relatives and friends around). So she went to the hospital saying that she has chest pain (stomach issues really) and she is having a heart attack (and of course they kept her for observation since she is very old); she hoped that brother would change his plans. Instead, my smart and loving brother called me all the way to the US and scared me to going! So all was good: he had his vacation and mother had a child at her beck and call.

Talking all these hours on the phone with her is not good for me. I need to cut it down. I will keep the three times because otherwise it will be a series of rages interchanged with a series of high drama where she is the main character that nobody wants because she is too old and a burden (!!!). But I will cut it down to 30 minutes for starters (LOL). Today is one of the days I call. So I will try to stop at 30 minutes.
You are absolutely right also about us getting older and not being able to deal with the high drama, the rages, the passive-aggressive behavior. Do you have any siblings to help taking care of your mother? To be honest, I was such a mess up until two years ago. Once I learned about NPD, I read a lot and I went to see a therapist. I went through the process of being angry and then so sad that my mother has behaved in such a way as if she really wants to cause me harm. Now I feel that I can forgive her, as long as I can protect myself. I am doing a lot better and I am healing, but she - like a typical N - surprises me every now and then by saying something outrageously mean or a huge lie about me or my family.
Thank you so much for your support and big hugs to you too! (((((hugs)))))

My mother is wearing a small ruby and diamond ring that is mine. She's always looking for something for the nurses to admire (N) and I don't wear it anyway. Every time I visit she tries to give it back and I totally refuse because I know how it will play out. The next day she'll be whining and moaning about how much she misses it and wants it back. It's just a ploy to make me run. Not happening!

Now she's decided she'll only take her meds every 2 or 3 days. One of those is a blood thinner as she's had a number of strokes over the years. Taking it every day she had another stroke a few months ago and three minor ones since. I tried to reason with her but nope, she wouldn't. Unable to sit up or stand alone she's convinced she can get from bed to wheelchair and bathroom by herself which the staff insist she mustn't do, but she keeps doing it. Sooner or later there will be another stroke or on the floor badly injured. Suit yourself.

Ashlynne, I feel sorry you have to go through this. Probably, your mother is saying these things to you in order to get your attention. How can you possibly be calm (let alone happy) knowing she doesn't take her meds as she should? Goodness! My mother a few years ago told me she drinks a lot of brandy because she is very lonely (and this after she explained to me how her doctor has ordered her to drink absolutely no alcohol because she had stomach problems at the time. Last week she told me that my poor brother has to deal with an elderly mother and her problems all alone since I am not there. Perhaps, she said she should kill herself so that she will not burden him!!! What distorted thinking, how twisted! Then during the next phone call she was talking about a new recipe and her flowers! So, don't you worry. Hugs =)

You can deal with physical but I've come to the conclusion there's no dealing with looney tunes.

Narcissism + mental = game over,

You are right. What I am trying to do lately is to talk to my mother 3 times a week and after the phone call is over to go for a walk and try to be mindful; I have to remind myself often that this is the way my mother is, it is an illness; yet it is not my fault and there is nothing I can do to make her change. It is not the job of the child to make the parent happy. That said, phone calls are so much easier than being face to face. I am trying to avoid this, but I do plan to spend a whole week with her in mid-June, though I will stay at a hotel. Take care and hugs.

Hi Rena, I've been following your thread and I can so relate. There is no way that I could have the same level of contact with my NM. Like you, I have physical symptoms after even a discussion, so I really have to limit contact for my own health. I hope you will be able to reduce contact as well.

Regarding your trip, if she gives you grief about staying only one week, can you just give her the choice: "mom if one week won't work for you I can cancel the trip." She's going to rage either way,so you might as well pick the way that works for you. I know this all sounds much easier than it is to do in practice. Good luck.

Thank you, Tesoro. It is hard; she will make me feel guilty.

Rena, My mother did some of the same things, but it later turned out she had dementia/Alzheimer's. Looking back, I realize that a lot of the weird behavior makes sense in light of this illness. Of course, you need to protect yourself. If your mom is raving at you, act like the phone line is going bad and hang up. "Mom? Mom? Are you still on the phone? Mom? Can you call me back?" Hang up. Then when she calls back, don't answer. Next time you speak to her tell her there's construction in your area and they cut the phone lines. Whoops! Don't give her details about your day to day lives. Keep topics extra neutral - the weather, a current movie. If she's calling to complain about dad, tell her, "Your life, your marriage, your decision." and don't make any other comment than that. Repeat that until she gives up. If she gets off track, the phone goes out of service again! (DARN IT! LOL!) When you visit them with your kids, and they criticize you say, "No wonder no one wants to visit you," and then leave. By doing these things, you are drawing boundaries and forcing your parents to respect the boundaries. They really won't have a choice. In other words, what I'm saying is you need take back your power. Your parents can't force anything on you, unless you submit. You don't have to respect them. You don't have to be polite to them and you don't have to put up with their nonsense.

Thank you for the great advise, Moxie1. My mother is very sharp. even though she is 93. She is reading novels, learning a foreign language, and she is solving crossword puzzles. Her memory is amazing as well. As for the phone, unfortunately, she knows I call via Skype and she also has my home phone and my cell phone! But I understand what you are saying and I pretty much try to do it; it is best not to confront her and just escape as best I can. Thanks again. Hugs.

My grandmother was very sharp to 93 and died of liver failure. (Who knows what caused that as she was a teetotaler. It was truly a blessing that she was together to the last 3 weeks of her life. But. yeah, limit what you tell your mom. Don't give her ammo to stew over and rip you with. Take back YOUR power!

I so feel for all of you. My 87 yr old mother doesn't have the rage thing going when I call her but instead is kind of passive aggressive. She tells me that she just sits alone in her apartment and cries all day because she is so lonely. She blames me for moving 5 hours away to be by our children and grandchildren. She says it it my responsibility as her daughter to take care of her. My brother lives in the area and calls her every week and takes her out to eat once a week. She lives in a very nice facility where she is in independent living. I don't want to call her anymore because I get so upset and depressed after the calls. I have even invited her to live with us but then she gets upset because she wouldn't be able to go to church anymore as we are not church goers. I don't know what to do to please her.

I see this is quite an old thread, but I thought I'd post anyway - at least it gives me a bit of space to vent.

I so associate with your post, Jojo Ellen. My mother has been passive-aggressive all my life, but it's only been in the past few weeks (following her sustaining a nasty fall) that I've really examined her behaviour throughout my life and come to realise this. I too live at some distance, she is in the UK and my husband and I are in France. My husband, who is only slightly younger than my mother, is unwell and leaving him alone is a constant anxiety. Nevertheless, I made some rapid covering arrangements here in France, and went back to the UK to coincide with her discharge from hospital. I put in place a whole care package for her, arranged a visitors 'rota' with her dozens of friends and family, stayed for five nights and all I'm made to feel is guilty. Though she hasn't actually said it she clearly shares your mother's opinion that as her daughter (and only child) it is my responsibility to care for her.

At 61 I've finally realised that SHE has riddled me with guilt for my entire life, and that it's impacted detrimentally on some big life decisions as well as on my day to day life. She's also made me ill at times from stress and depression, which I had always blamed on other things.

I've been calling her each evening while she is recovering from this fall, and like you I absolutely dread it because so often I'm reduced to tears by her asking me to go to the UK again - on one memorable occasion she accused me of abandoning her. She hasn't once asked about my husband.

I've been reading about NPD, and whilst I don't think she has this I do think she's borderline. The only way I think I can survive my mother is by maintaining a significant distance between us, and this I shall continue to do, but how one deals with the irrational feelings of guilt I don't know.

I very much advise watching the movie Now, Voyager if you haven't already.