My dad is close to 90, my my mom early 80s, living in Europe, but not in their home country. They are totally alone, have alienated everyone around them apart from a few masochistic neighbors, have mobility and vision issues, won't move back to their home country where they have a bit more help. I'm in the US and no siblings. My mom in particular is a passive aggressive borderline personality disorder victim complex, emotionally abusive, money/hoarding issues real piece of work (always has had) I get daily phone calls telling me how bad I am, how she can't cope, how my dad did X and Y and poor little her.. She nags like crazy and tries to take away every little pleasure he has. He explodes and then she runs to me like a victim. They blame me for living far away, but study, work means I"m here with my family and they are honestly so emotionally weird I wouldn't want my kids near them. We dread going, for about 2 days a year and even then they criticize my elementary school kids non stop. I am dreading what will happen when my dad dies (he's more than a decade older and has health issues, though not the underlying mental illness of my mom, which no-one in the family acknowledges). My mom is going to want to come and visit me and she's just bizarre- tries to play the normal mother but has no idea how to do this. Brings back bad memories of how she treated me as a kid. I've had this hanging over me since I left home, been criticized for everything I did (I've done well in my career, but that has never been acknowledged of course). It's horrible to say this but I just wish they'd die and leave me alone. I don't want to be 50 before I'm free to not have their daily crying wolf and 'poor little me' and 'why didn't you call me back immediately' calls. I don't know why I'm writing.. just got another screaming call from her.. (i tell her now if she can't talk to me in a civil way, without interrupting, I'll put the phone down) does anyone have any advice?
It sounds like your mother doesn't even need a caregiver. You certainly shouldn't give up your career and your relationship to become a taxi service. If/when she does need care, take the time and make the effort to arrange good care for her in PR. Then get on with your life in NY, visiting and calling as appropriate -- on your terms, not hers.
Continue with the semi-annual visits, since those are pleasant. Perhaps even consider making three visits a year (and include your sweetie). And reduce the number of phone calls. Drop the trying to calm her. "You sound upset Mom. I'll call again later." AND HANG UP. Do call again later, and repeat the hang up if necessary. She threatens to cut you out of her life? "Sorry you feel that way, Mother. Call me if you change your mind."
You are in charge of your life. She can give you tickets for a guilt trip, but you don't have to take that trip!
Read up about narcissism. I wonder if this is your mother's problem. If it is, it is Not Your Fault.
Stay strong!
If phone calls turn ugly, learn to recite "I have to go now mother, I'll speak to you another time, love you lots" and hang up. Seriously, practise those words until they become automatic. And get into the habit of calling her at particular times - Sunday evenings, Saturday mornings, whatever - so that you don't feel so obliged to pick up the phone every time she rings you.
Your mother can't do anything to you. Can she, now? Anything that you do as a result of your feelings about her are still *your* doing, and not hers. Don't blame her for your actions. She doesn't control you, not in fact, and so she cannot be responsible for your choices.
There is, moreover, nothing "evil" about a woman approaching old age who unloads on her daughter. Annoying, sad, in denial about her loneliness perhaps, and possibly - something to consider - at risk of failing mental and/or physical health. But she's not evil. Don't allow her to become this all-powerful malignant being in your life. She's your mother, and you care about her, and that's why what she says bothers you - if you really were a bad daughter you'd tell her to go and beep herself and hang up, wouldn't you?
She adopted you and she gave you a home and a good upbringing and that is why you are now happy and successful; and you are duly grateful. But if you wreck it, you're actually just throwing away all she gave you, and that really would be poor thanks.
Next visit, have a good close look at how she's managing - physical health, taking care of home, paying bills, eyesight, hearing, all that stuff. Don't quiz her about it, just observe. It may be that she's beginning to struggle but too proud to ask for anyone's help except yours. Well, there will be other options for her and you can help her find them. Just be clear that you are not one of them.
Final exercise. Ask yourself, as you lie in bed, "which would I rather, be here in New York with my work and my boyfriend and my nice life? Or pack it in and move back to PR to live with my temperamental, needy mother. Hmmm, tricky..."
rena (((((hugs))))) it is so hard to get out of the grips of the narcissists. You need to do what is good for you. You count at least as much as they do. It is OK to say no to requests, I know it feels scary to begin with but the sky does not fall in. Your mother is looked after and you have health issues to consider. I wish I can considered my own sooner. Look after you.
I meant to add that I'm accompanying my husband on a business trip (planning for a year) which happens to coincide with my father's birthday, and that I'll be visiting them in
December instead.
And, like you, I end up feeling guilty. It's years of training that they've done to us. But at least we've said "No" for a change.
As you once told me, it's not our fault we have mentally ill mothers (or brothers).
Very best and please keep us updated.
I see NO POINT in putting yourself through this trip. You saw her a few months ago. If you have no desire to see her at this time, then it is not reasonable that you go. We reap what we sow. Your mother, an extreme narcissist, did not sow the seeds of a wonderful mother/daughter relationship. Why should she expect to reap that now?
I'd say, put up with feeling guilty (if you have to) at home, rather than feeling miserable half way across the globe.
I haven't posted in a while, but I'm reading your messages. I have the following problem and need advice: my mother who is a really extreme narcissist leaves in Europe; my brother, also an extreme narcissist leaves near her; my mother is well off and has 24/7 care at home with a qualified nurse plus a house keeper plus a niece who is paid to supervise her care; my brother visits her often and he is her "real" child. I call her everyday and I see her for a few days when I visit. Last time was a week last May; she seemed well when I saw her; she is 95 years old. She now seems to have dementia. My problem: my brother called that he is going on a business trip for a week and asked that I go be with our mother. This means 30 hrs flight (both ways) plus 12 hrs waiting at the airport. I'm getting older and I'm not of the best of health. Is it reasonable to go? I feel intense guilt and I feel that I must go. I also feel fearful to tell my brother that I decided not to go. I don't think I'll be of any real help, but I still feel guilty if I say no.
I grew up living with my grandparents, great grandparents and parents. I had strong, good and giving role models and was taught to help others, do the right thing and to believe in myself. I learned to listen to that little voice inside at an early age and believe it has served me well. The Golden rule was my motto. I do make mistakes, but I know they are not ill intentioned. I do my best and understand that's all I can do, with my parents and others. I would not punish myself with guilt when I have done my best. I do have empathy for those who seem to be immobilized with unfounded guilt.
My wife reminded me that freudian psychology would describe an over active conscious as too much of a super ego which was his way of referring to the parents' voice. I've been told that too.
Thanks! When parents groom a child to feel responsible for their parents' happiness, that kind of enmeshed relationships is professionally called parentification which makes one feel like they must function as their parents' parent which like you've seen just doesn't work.
My wife experienced that plus another version of parental grooming which also creates enmeshment a knee jerk reactions which I call partnerfication which is not a real word. In this, the child is drawn in emotionally to become the parent's substitute spouse either for a deceased spouse or one where their is a poor relationship.
My wife's mother did that to her and as is typical in a parent making their child their partner her mother told her marital details that should never be told to a child.
I only learned this lately as I been dealing with my own mother's issues who made me her emotional partner as well which she found ways to keep in place when she was no longer a single mom and got married again. I did not understand what was going on but I knew it was not right. I got very angry with her one day and point blank told her, "look you are married now, please let go of me."
With help, I'm slowly learning to not have that knee-jerk response. It's a long road and doesn't come naturally. I believe that I don't judge my own child and I certainly avoid making comments to him in a similar fashion to that of my parents.
I think though that some have and an over developed conscious leads them to feel guilty for almost anything and everything. I think much of that type of easily raised guilt has something to do with the parent grooming them in childhood to have an an over developed conscious. That's my theory which may or may not be accurate.
And now I live 5,000 miles away. My 21 year old son is still in England and they use the "You're a terrible mother leaving your little boy when he was only 19". And what's worse is, it works. I have terrible guilt. (My son is fine, living with his Dad.)
Faraway: Don't let your mother blackmail you regarding her will. My parents recently told me I'm getting nothing - it's all going to my son (only grandchild) - because I abandoned them and don't deserve it. I'm so angry but just smiled and said "Okay". It's not worth trying to please them for an inheritance.
My biggest problem is when I visit. They want me to stay in their house, but my therapist warns me not to. I am physically ill for weeks because I can't tell them - I become my abused, petrified 4 year old self. My father uses "Family should be together" etc. I can't tell them I don't want to (also, their house smells). I'm visiting next month for his 80th birthday. I'm already getting wound up. It's the guilt again.
The distance does help though. I don't think I'd be as mentally healthy had I stayed near them. Keep strong.
I'm not suggestng you kick their behinds to the curb. But if they're going to keep making your life miserable there should be no place in your life for them.
You said you wished they'd die. Pretend they have.
I see I last posted to this thread four months ago and things have naturally deteriorated since then. My mother is almost 90, bed ridden, skin & bone, barely able to speak and nuttier than squirrel poop.
Over the months she has had a (phantom) cat ... bent down to pet it in the dining room, over she went, wheelchair and all, taken to ER for stitches ... there's a man who sleeps under her bed, plans to go live with one or two people she knew years ago so they can wait on her 24/7, move back to the UK (3000 miles away) to live with her brother in law (who she hasn't seen in over 30 years) so he and my father can go fishing ... Dad's been gone 16 years now ... and so on, and so on, and so on. I lived in dread of visiting and felt quite ill for a few days after.
My blood pressure is very high (I wonder why?) and I explained to my doc about the years, a lifetime really, of the living hell of Mommie Dearest. His reaction? "Some of these *%#!*% old narcissists just won't die". Yes, he's quite colourful!
I go back for a recheck on September 8 and we agreed that I will not visit her in the meantime. After a shopping trip the other day I dropped bottled water, apple juice and chocolate at the desk for the NH staff to take to her with the explanation I had a cold, distemper, rabies or whatever. By the time I got home and unloaded the truck there was a voicemail from the NH that she'd tried to get out of bed by herself and they found her on the floor ... again. No doubt, in her demented state, she thought I was still there somewhere and was coming after me to give me hell.
Sorry, not my problem right now and I'm starting to feel better ... the constant palpitations and thundering stomach like you just woke from a nightmare are subsiding. Going outside to pick blackberries to freeze and make jam in the winter. Tomatoes and other veggies coming in like crazy and I have to start canning soon..
I so associate with your post, Jojo Ellen. My mother has been passive-aggressive all my life, but it's only been in the past few weeks (following her sustaining a nasty fall) that I've really examined her behaviour throughout my life and come to realise this. I too live at some distance, she is in the UK and my husband and I are in France. My husband, who is only slightly younger than my mother, is unwell and leaving him alone is a constant anxiety. Nevertheless, I made some rapid covering arrangements here in France, and went back to the UK to coincide with her discharge from hospital. I put in place a whole care package for her, arranged a visitors 'rota' with her dozens of friends and family, stayed for five nights and all I'm made to feel is guilty. Though she hasn't actually said it she clearly shares your mother's opinion that as her daughter (and only child) it is my responsibility to care for her.
At 61 I've finally realised that SHE has riddled me with guilt for my entire life, and that it's impacted detrimentally on some big life decisions as well as on my day to day life. She's also made me ill at times from stress and depression, which I had always blamed on other things.
I've been calling her each evening while she is recovering from this fall, and like you I absolutely dread it because so often I'm reduced to tears by her asking me to go to the UK again - on one memorable occasion she accused me of abandoning her. She hasn't once asked about my husband.
I've been reading about NPD, and whilst I don't think she has this I do think she's borderline. The only way I think I can survive my mother is by maintaining a significant distance between us, and this I shall continue to do, but how one deals with the irrational feelings of guilt I don't know.