Help, I don't think I can go on. Meanness not dementia.

I agree with Tacy. There is no reason this woman needs live in care, it sounds like all that is required is a little housekeeping and someone to take her shopping or bring in groceries, and you can accomplish that from a distance. Her misery is of her own making, nothing you do will ever be enough and she has no incentive to change with you catering to her every whim.

Move out. If she is as capable as you're saying, she doesn't need you. There is no reason to live like this.

I know it is your house, so I don't think moving out would be so good. It would be better if you found a good place for your MIL. I don't know how easy it would be to get her out the door, though. From what you wrote, I wouldn't be surprised if it is a real trick. You'll have to review the thread here about a woman's quest to get her mean and hateful mother out of her home.

Your MIL sounds like she is jealous of other women. If that is the case, I would let hubby handle his mother. I would support him in any way to put his mother's butt on the road. She doesn't need you to care for her yet. It sounds like she is just using you. If she is jealous of other women, she is probably treating you and your daughter even worse than you describe. You have my sympathy.

Here is the thread about getting an unwilling relative out of the house. It is long, but you can pick through if you need any ideas.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm

Make an appointment for her with a geriatric psychiatrist. Write up a summary of her behaviors and deliver it to the doctor before the appointment. See if s/he thinks that there is mental illness/dementia present. Otherwise...

You tell her" this is not working out any longer, you need to find another place to live." You also stop preparing meals for her.

You give her a date. If she doesn't move, you start eviction proceedings.

She hits you? Call 911 and have her taken to the ER for a psychiatric eval. If she is ever admitted to the hospital for any reason, do not accept her back after discharge.

If your husband allows this behavior from his mother toward you, you have a much larger problem. I think I'd arrange to spend a few weeks with a friend.

Sorry, I only skimmed the question and missed that it is your house, not hers, that makes it harder doesn't it?
However you have to go about it you need to separate from her. I wish you luck, strength and determination to see it through.

I missed that point as well - sorry. Either way, there needs to be a split made. Either she goes to her own apartment or she goes to assisted living if she thinks she can't live without help.

Absolutely, this woman needs to move out into her own apartment! There are senio apartments that are based on their income, that also have resources for shopping excursions, social gathering rooms and bus outings out there. In our state, they are called SHAG. She may be much more happy living amongst people her own age. Another thought, is adult day care, if your husband hasn't yet come to terms with kicking her out, but my guess is that eventually, it will come down to a her or you situation, and it might well be time for you to leave for a while, to force his hand, that is if you feel that he would choose you! Otherwise, continue to voice your unhappiness to your husband, as he is the one who will ultimately need to make this decision! Good luck to you. PS, I'm going through a simular situation in my own household, so don't think that you are the only one who is going through this, it's really tough! Take care!

Oh h3ll I'm nowhere near as nice as you lot. I would pack all her things and put them in the car, the I would put her in the car and drive her to her special ones and leave her there. Then I would go home change phone numbers, locks and go on holiday for at least 2 weeks to get over the strain. ......if only I had someone to take Mum to!!!

You, your daughter and the dog need to go live somewhere else for a few weeks. A motel would do. That will bring her and hubby to their senses real quick. Leave them to duke it out and do not return to the house until she is gone.

I'm trying to figure out the reasoning of letting her move in, since she her behavior was too horrible to live with another family member. Why did you think she would change in your home? You say that she's always been this way. Still, age related decline or dementia could be at work here too. Regardless of what is causing her behavior, it can't be tolerated. I would figure out her options and let her move out by a date certain. I would give her legal notice as required by your jurisdiction. It does sound like she needs some kind of mental health care though.

I'm sorry to hear that your MIL is such a self-centered, bitter narcissist like my employer of 6 years is. As best as I can tell, my employer has been a calculating, manipulative, jealous, and spiteful person her whole life. Her sister confirms this. Before I became her caregiver I was naive. I never phantomed a seemingly sweet little old lady all of 5'1" and about 125 pounds capable of such diabolical schemes. People on this forum......especially the nurses, and medical professionals will tell you it's a symptom of dementia. That very well may be in most cases. But, not all. I never knew that old people lie, and manipulate, and calculate dispicable behavior like that I have witnessed over the past 6 years. An example that occured just last week: everyday I faithfully help my employer into the shower. It takes her 45 minutes to get her in there because she is extremely slow, and enjoys wasting time. Finally, after I was able to get her safely in her shower seat after what seemed to take forever, as soon as she sat down, she announced that she had to "go potty". 99% of the time this means she has to pee. (I'm just trying to tell it like it is!) if she needs to do number #2, she always says she "need to sit on the pot". Since it took so long to actually get her in the shower, and I had a list of other chores, cooking, etc. to do, I said "oh, it's ok....just pee in the shower". I heard her chuckle, and say "ok" as I closed the bathroom door. After I returned from putting the laundry in the washer, I opened the door to the bathroom to see she had dedicated all over the shower floor! I said "Frances! What the hell?!" Her response was to laugh, and say "you told me to go in the shower" then she began laughing uncontrollably, and said "now, you can clean it up". She thought it was so funny to humiliated me, and order me to clean up her mess. She has spit on me, tried to punch me, threw her dirty fluid from her brushing her teeth on me, she has told people like her conservator (who happens to be a priest) that I used to be a prostitute before I worked for her, she's told people that my sons (who have been nothing but respectful and kind to her) are drunks, and do nothing but use me, and engage in premisquise activities. For the record, both of my sons are straight A college students. One is a virgin, and the other is gay. She has scratched her own arm, and made it bleed, and then told her lawyer that she was terrified of me. She has told her lawyer that she fell out of the car, and allowed the lawyer to presume that it happened while she was in my car. She fell out of her own car 15 years before I met her! She has accused various people of outrageous things with absolutely no evidence or indication. If something doesn't present itself the way she wants it to, she literally makes it up. People tend to believe little old ladies that put on a sweet, and helpless act in front of people they want to fool. She is about as helpless as a barracuda! I've been criticized in the past about posts I've made on this sight that seem mean, or insensitive toward my elderly employer. But, those people have never spent 20 minutes with this woman when she is in a bad mood. Most all old people are kind, and sincere. Many enjoy being positive role-models, and if a person is patient, and compassionate, they will learn that the elderly have a wealth of knowledge to share. Most deserve all the respect that they give others. But, there are some...thankfully not all, but some that are as wicked, and evil as any diabolical human is capable of being. I don't know why I stay with this woman except that my family depends on me for support and I feel like if I left her, she would literally die because no one would put up with her crap. That's as real as I can say it. Sorry if some don't like what they are reading.

tacy022 - I am aware of HIPPA, and thank you for bringing that to my attention. The auto fill/correct inadvertently filled the entire name in. It has been removed...along with other information I wasn't aware people could troll on my profile. Thanks again for your close observation, and view of my profile details.

Babalou gave you good advice. If she hits you again, call the cops. If you don't you are rewarding bad behavior. Since your husband doesn't protect you, you have to protect yourself. I agree with others; you, your daughter, and that poor dog should leave. The dog has no power and has to put up with the abuse, you are supposed to protect the helpless. Shame on you if you continue to let her abuse the dog and your daughter. If you want to put up with the abuse, that is your business.

Sounds like so many dynamics going on actually. A mental/cognitive as well as hormonal and vitamin deficiency exam would be in order to see if the behavior is related. One thing about Dementia and or Alzheimer's is that they all go through similar if not cookie-cutter-like stages of mental and behavioral decline, systematic in nature as it affects the different areas of the brain. But each person brings a unique set of behaviors, habits, thought patterns, fears, phobias, skills and abilities, issues and of course DRAMA to the table. These behaviors usuall expose themselves at home or primarily with the Caregiver while they put on a good show for outsiders, when that line is crossed, something deeper is going on, see a doctor and try to be patient until you know what is causing it. The doctors answer will give you your solution as mentioned above. Either she needs help or she is just crazy and you need to get away from that. Hang in there, we're all there with you...