Im the dil, I work for medicaid to take care of my FIL. I quit my ft managers position to take care of him. I did this because his 2 kids wont help either of them. (Family stuff from childhood)Well at the point I did my mil could take care of herself with a little assistance. My FIL uses a wheel chair to get around. So i am his pca. I help him with his daily needs. My mil knew she was having a medical crisis refused to goto the ER. She has a vein problem and her legs weep and stink BAD! Anyways she decided she would pay me 40 a week to walk her dogin the morning when i come over, cleanse and compression wrap her legs. Btw they are divorced. She has for the past 3 years paid my son to do her trash and walk the dog in the evenings. Then she was paying him 10 a week. Rarely doing it, I paid him to do it 90% of the time. They had a falling out because he was by that point going over everyday feeding both of them and doing everything she asked him to do. Which was a lot. My son is also disabled, he has cognitive and mental problems. He was supposed to have a few days off, because my sil was visiting. But my mil decided he would still come over and do everything. Well I intervened when my son finally told me the situation. My sil was there so my son got his break, but after my sil left he still refused to go back. My mil called me to try to force my son to go over there. My son wouldnt budge from his stance. Well 2 hours later mil calls me she is in the hospital.When i went over to check on my fil the place was a PIGSTY. And I mean a pigsty. I fed my FIL who was on the second floor at the time and went home. My mil was in the hospital for almost 4 weeks. On that Sunday I got my adult kids and two of there friends together and we cleaned the whole downstairs. It took 8 hours and 6 people. 47 bags of trash went out that day. She had hoarded expired foods (some with dates older than my 18 yr old)She is pissed at me I threw all the old food out. She had a small stroke refused to goto the er. She lost most of her strength and expects me to lift her to a chair to push her to the toliet to lift her on and have the toliet and back to her chair. Well when she dropped her almost 300lbs on me it hurt my shoulder. So I can't lift her anymore. I got a hospital bed from upstairs and set up the living room for her. She still works from home. (She is an it person) because I can't lift her she refuses to put on a depends or diaper and poops&pees all over. This has been going on for 3 months. She will fill the chair and/or bed full of feces&pee and refuse to allow me to help. She tries to clean herself up and gets it all over everything. She told me I'm useless and demands I touch things she has fgotten her feces on. She called my sil to tell my sil I do nothing to help her at all and that . My sil called me to tell I have to help my mil. I told my sil I get paid to take care of my FIL not my mil. And I'm not really supposed help her while I'm on the clock with him. If I mention I need an advil or tyenol my mil flies into a rage telling me I'm poisoning myself and I need to be taking her "herbal supplments" she swears by them. She has called me a Trump supporter knowing I'm not because I don't agree with her take on politics or religions. She fired my son a few days ago bcuz he doesn't want to spend time with her. Now expects me to walk her dog in the evenings. I feed her 3xs plus daily, I bathe her, I clean her feces up, and she acts like it's her right for me to take care of her. She threatens me with taking away the $40 a week. I told her she could keep it many times. But I'm ready to tell her I'm not doing anything for her anymore. I can't put everything in 1 post but she calls me even after I go home to do something for her. On my 1 day a week off she insists I come over. So I never get a day off. She also can afford to pay for other help but she is won't. I don't want to have my FIL put in a home but she pays the bills. He can't afford 2
And wow , what an update. Maybe your sil can find them rooms with bars on the windows for these two criminals .
Deceane, I think you must be a very decisive person. In a very short time you posted your resentment here, re-evalued & re-sailed your ship in new direction!
This is what strong boundaries can do! Amazing job. 👏#1
Seems your DH not only understands but agrees - you are working as a united team. 👏#2
You have gained valuable insight to why other family members act they way they do, have had to walk away. This adds respect for others & can strengthen those relationships 👏#3
May the healing continue.
Wishing you all the best.
My gosh, what you have described is dysfunctional with a capital D! I am so sorry.
Glad to hear that you are going back to work.
Good for you getting your job back. You're lucky they took you back. Good move.
It sounds to me like your in-laws belong in a nursing home. They probably should have been placed a long time ago.
So re-evaluating is a good idea.
Maybe you would continue if the conditions improved? If there was more support, more people in the care team? More structure.
Or maybe it's time to quit. Maybe it's run it's course. Maybe even with improved conditions you don't feel valued - or have done enough. Maybe you want to return to other work?
Is there family pressure for you to continue? Pressure from your husband?
What do you want to do?
Have your in laws children figure out who will care for them or place them in care facility .
You quit this job and back off . Take your son with you .
Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction! Some people find themselves in really odd situations. I do believe that there are poor decisions made in many of these cases.
It also depends upon how these people have been raised to believe.
Certain people have been indoctrinated from a very early age to believe that they are responsible for caring for others no matter what the costs. They don’t realize that their actions are extreme.
Hindsight is 20/20! At some point a person has to realize that they made awful decisions and do whatever they can to correct their poor choices.
I am wishing I had little rubber stamps that say "poor decision making", "you're an adult now", and "only you can make choices for your own life".
I have just run out of unique answers at this point.
I am thinking of a vacation again. Everyone will be SO pleased!
We have a long history of posts here of people taking on care, quitting their job, and ending thankless, homeless, jobless and without a job history.
We tell them to go to a shelter and start from the bottom up.
It's worth your consideration whether you should continue on as you have been.
You are an adult, and capable in making your own choices.
I wish you good luck in future decision making for yourself.
I very rarely suggest therapy but in this case, it's long overdue imo. Why you'd work for Medicaid and literal peanuts and be abused by these people is beyond me.
What you describe is horrendous and should not ever involve your son either. I question why you tolerate and enable this horrid situation, few would do so.
Please, for everyone's good, hand this mess over to aged services and divest yourself of this whole mess. No guilt.
I am exhausted just reading your post! You are doing a lot for them. You aren’t being compensated enough for this. Please return to your job. You need to think about your own future needs.
Just because others don’t want to do what is needed, it doesn’t mean that you should be responsible for picking up the slack for them.
Honestly, if no other family members want to deal with this, I don’t blame them. If you want to, look into placement for them. It’s the best option all around. Then you and your son won’t have to deal with this stressful situation anymore.
Wishing you all the best.
This woman soils/wets herself and is perfectly FINE with that?????????? She also hoards, which is a whole other problem.
How in the world is she able to work? How can you bear to go help her or FIL.
I think you have become so accustomed to this situation, it's normal to you.
IT'S NOT.
No one should sit in a chair with weepy, draining legs from lymph issues (I am assuming) and in their own waste matter. Adn her leg swelling is temporary, if she rests with her legs below her heart, she's going to swell up again.
If you didn't KNOW HER..what would your advice be? You are enabling both of these people to live what is NOT a safe, healthy environment.
BOTH of these folks should be in care. And as soon as possible.
And you're making $40 a week? I hope that's a typo. That won't even cover gas to get to the house.
Please, please look with fresh eyes at this and get them the care they need. If they refuse it, then walk away. You cannot make people take care of themselves.