Ok, Mom and Dad, what is your Plan B if I am not available?
This is one talk I think many of us forget to ask our parents when we are caregivers, be it hands-on caregiving, or being the errand person/logistics, or both. Parents think their child [who could be in their 50's, 60's, and even 70's] are invincible. That we can go on forever.
My parents [mid-90's], still live in their single family home, had no Plan B... found that out when I was grounded [yes, play on words for the screen name] with an injury. My injury will take months in recovery then onto months in rehab. I can't use my right arm thus cannot drive because I can't start the car or use the gear shift. Can't lift squat. Can't write. Sleep most free time because the pain is exhausting [now I understand how elders with bone pain are napping all the time].
Ok, Mom and Dad, what do YOU plan to do? They look like deer in headlights. They never thought about what if I couldn't drive them to doctor appointments... I had to cancel all their appts, thus I hear a lot of grumbling. My parents won't ride with strangers, thus taxi cabs aren't an option. Nor do they like the aging care bus service.
Dad asked me, what do people their age do? Well, for one, they move to a retirement village where they never need to worry about transportation [my parents can afford to move]. Heavens, couple weeks ago Dad asked me to get him a 30lb bag of fertilizer... HELLO!!!
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If your dad hasn't been dx ' ed with dementia, I would take your recent injury as an opportunity to stop being their "fix". " I can't do this anymore Mom" was hard for me to say. But rescuing my mother no longer made any sense in the context of: she was 89 years old, living alone and isolated in the suburbs, wouldn't/couldn't call a taxi, became unhinged during taxi rides we arranged for her and on and on. In short, my brothers and I stop "enabling" her "independence". We are all healthier and a more functional family for having bitten the bullet.
Per our prev.convos- I am in a similar situation, but my parents are20-25 years younger.
I wish I could offer some stellar advice- but j can offer a hug. ☺️
How about this..."Mom, Dad, I'm getting older and I've decided I can't be there to help you any more the way I have in the past. Here is a list of other options I have made up for you." When they call for help you say "Sorry, I can't do that anymore. Have you checked out that list I gave you?"
Ha, easy to say, not so easy to do I think.
I plan to nurse this injury for all that it is worth. My plan B for myself is to hire a cleaning service to help me out here at home. Sig other doesn't see dirt unless it is a foot high and he trips over it :P
Odd, since I been hurt, I don't care if this doesn't get done or that when it comes to life in general. Example, couple weeks ago Dad ran out of eye vitamins which can only be bought at his eye doctor's office.... told Dad it will be a couple of weeks as I can get the vitamins when sig other takes me to get x-rays [same building].... I will buy 4 bottles this time :)
But I do think that the combination of declining health, reduced independence and increased reliance on someone else, especially a family member, are such major contributing factors that it's really difficult for parents to look beyond those immediate needs and immediate family resources.
They're uncomfortable with new things and new people, even though they can become used to them (such as the MOW delivery folks), but the idea of a strange newcomer suddenly coming in to take over what's been done by family is unsettling. They're in a stage during which their adaptive abilities have been limited and this might just be too much.
I think the fact that adult children and spouses are no longer able to provide as they have been is such a cogent reminder of age decline that it can be debilitating and threatening.
And problem solving skills deteriorate as well, so it's difficult to conceive of alternatives, even if explained patiently by the caregiver.
Their world has grown smaller and smaller; it's hard to see beyond the new borders and accept that they're so compromised.
I'm not excusing it, just trying to explain the situation as I see it.
As to how you could do what you did when your mother needed intensive help, well, you're a man. FF is a woman. That says a lot. And long live the differences, caregiving or otherwise.
Or perhaps you've hit on a solution which most of us haven't thought of - the need for outside sustenance. I'll take chocolate to vodka any day.
Or perhaps men can share what it is that gives them the adrenalin rush when the need arises?
We feel the responsibility, but sometimes the fatigue and pain can overcome our sense of commitment. Sometimes it's also a matter of survival; if we do what our parents want, it's clear that our own health and welfare will be damaged.
I had to draw a "line in the sand" like this last year when I had emergency surgery. I just couldn't help out for a while.
FF also has an SO who from her posts doesn't seem to want to pitch in and help physically. (FF, no criticism here - just interpretations.)
I wonder sometimes if this is because men for millennia had the primary responsibility of providing for the family in terms of safety, bringing home the mastadons or sabre tooth tigers for meals, fending off intruders...There are thousands of years of ingrained behavior of protection, while women protect in a different way.
Not to hijack the thread or undermine our female capability to respond, when I'm conflicted or stuck in a mental rut, I often ask myself how would a man friend handle this (I can hear my feminist friends here groaning and I sometimes berate myself for this approach), but men do approach problems differently, often more objectively.
No criticism is intended of women or men - it's just a different approach. The point is that we can learn from each other's strengths.
I also emphasize that no criticism or condemnation is intended of either sex.
In addition, FF has been taking care of both her parents for years now. It does wear the caregiver down, and sometimes it's not easy to get back up even with a parental emergency. The adrenalin can kick in, but with long term recovery it's not available on a regular flow - no IV drip of "Caregiving Saline #1 for Women".
I also don't have the energy or stamina I had when this started for me several years ago.
Back to back-up plans, we can identify all the contingent measures we want to, but implementation is the sticking point.
Specifically, how DO you get a parent to willingly agree to a facility placement for the rest of his/her life? How DO you get them to agree that things which have occupied nooks and crannies for years now need to be discarded or donated so make their homes safer?
I'm still searching for workable solutions as well as workable back-up plans that can actually be implemented.
Flyer, sorry to horse about the shoulder. Never new I had a shoulder till they quit working.
I like what cwilly said about being prepared. I too make lists and plans for elder care and try to stay one step ahead of the next crisis. So far so good but sometimes s....t happens that you didn't plan for. I hate that.
As to planning while caregiving, I think there's always something that comes up that we haven't planned for. These are new experiences for so many of us.
Maybe we as caregivers could adopt the theme from Star Trek "..boldly go where no man or woman has gone before..." Kind of like that idea; maybe we can consider ourselves trailblazers instead of caregivers.
I couldn't use my right arm and I am right handed. One hand doesn't take over with the same style and ability. My eating skills was that of a 3 year old, same with my writing. Signing my name with my right hand was torture, as one is using muscles and nerves that were damaged in the fall.
Doctor said no driving for 8 weeks, and he was right. The other day I tried to pull the gear shift into drive and it felt like a bolt of lightening hit my upper arm. Won't do that again for awhile. Even tearing up an envelope was too painful because of the muscles one uses to do that.
I can't even tie my shoe laces. Brushing your teeth using your other hand, what a mess :P Whoa, can't floss as that takes two hands. Even lipstick was a challenge. Wait a minute, how will I write checks?
At least with the computer keyboard I was able to type left handed pretty good... dealing with the Mouse was another issue, it was alllllll over the screen. Doing better with it now. Forget texting, it's hard enough with two hands.
Oh how I wished my parents had a Plan B to help me make my recovery less stressful... I am trying to recover quicker by forcing myself to do things but paying the price with more pain :(
My Mom is understanding to what happened to me, so she doesn't make any demands [some hints]... and Dad thinks I am the tomboy he knew all his life and that I can overcome anything within days. Well, that tomboy left the building a few years ago.
My parents will definitely need a new plan if they outlive me.
A few years back we were moving my sister's things to my home. During the process, I tore my right rotator cuff, got PT but still had problems, due in no small part I'm sure to continuing the moving process while I was supposed to be healing, and in failure to recognize early that I should have gotten a different doctor.
Now I'm still having right shoulder problems, even to the point that it's hard to lift the garage door. So I'm biting the bullet and will check out surgery later on this year, after the garden is harvested, lawn isn't growing, and I can afford to just stay inside and heal. I wish I'd seen a different doctor and had surgery after the initial tear.
I wouldn't want to think you'd face something similar.
Your Plan B is to recover, FULLY.
Okay, stepping down from the soap box now.
My mother would use a taxi service if available - the problem is she can't afford it. Her failure to plan was largely financial - believing she could live in her 80s on the same monthly income she had in her 60s. But she has a lot of costs now that she didn't have then, mainly copays and medical equipment/adaptations but also household and yard work she'd have done herself in her younger years. Most of what I do for her could be done by anyone, but she can't afford to pay someone so I'm it.
If I were you, I would press your parents about getting used to the idea of a paid driver or taxi service. Maybe go with them (riding shotgun) the first time or two to get them used to the idea. The current obstacle could be an opportunity in disguise, a chance to transition them to a new practice for their transportation needs.
Funny how parents living "independent" is so exhausting on the rest of us.
The transit services are door-to-door pickup and return, for only $1 per ride. That can't be beaten by anyone.
The senior center transportation is usually only within the confines of the city or township, so it's much more limited.
The private, commercial transit services are what I consider to be astronomiclaly high - generally about $40 each way, with lesser charges for waiting time. They don't leave and come back - they just stay with the meter running.
From what I remember our situations are very similar with the exception of half a block vs 600 miles but the tasks and frustrations are the same. I've chuckled at your battle stories about getting your folks to buy a new sofa or get the carpet cleaned. And we both know some of the worst is yet to come.
I could trade you lots of stories about sig Os but they would probably kick us out of here. If you find a good site to whine about our sig Os let me know!
As for parents and plans....Mom was Dad's "Plan A". He never considered the need for a "Plan B" till she was dying. Of course "Plan B" is me. Sigh. I've now created for him "Plan C", which is assisted living in a very nice local senior community. Have tried to be gentle about it, but finally had to put my foot down and say "you must be moved *somewhere else* before the end of summer." I'm paying too high a price in setbacks to my own fragile health to continue status quo. Plus all the other issues....
Well, today Dad [93] decided that his Plan B was to start driving again after 6 years.... I totally blew up when I heard that when he called me this afternoon.... I've seen that man maneuver a grocery cart in the store, believe me you do not want him on the road.
I am asking you what your plan B is. Your plan A is to do what your parents ask you to do. I like the suggestion of telling them that you cannot do things for them any more and typing up a list of alternatives. As far as things like the eye drops, some pharmacies will send things by taxi. Payment can be arranged. I suspect your dad has no intention of driving, he is just pushing your buttons, If he is competent, he can make other arrangements.
Your health has suffered and is suffering. I know it well. So has/is mine and I keep at a distant arm's length. We, in our own interests, need to reduce the damage as much as possible. I am glad that you are milking this for all it is worth, Your parents, unlike some others, do have enough resources to hire the help that they need.
I hear the caution made above to take the time to heal or you will have lasting consequences to that shoulder. Take care of you!
Any time I ask Dad what if this or what if that and I can't help them, what would they do. Dad said "we will manage". Guess I need to get Dad's definition of manage.