My husband (58) and I (48), have 8 children. My mother lives in a house on our property rent free. We bring meals to her, get her prescriptions, etc... She has late stage Parkinson's so has fallen the past year so she has one of her grandchildren stay over each night. She had our 8 & 9 year old boy and girl stay over 2 nights ago. She confronted my husband that they were rolling around being sexual. My husband shared that they were being kids wrestling... she continued to persist and said that Jesus didn't like how our children were. My husband would hear of no such thing and walked out so she called the police on us. Thank God they saw through my mother's delusions (she's seen Satan in the lamp and shawl before and spends her money in 5 days of getting paid), and they advised us to get an attorney to become her POA to get her into a nursing home for our protection. We read that this can be lengthy and expensive. We are in a panic to get her out of here safely though. We will contact an attorney and local nursing home in an hour when they open. Any ideas of the best route? She will resist going into a nursing home. Thank you, we are desperate and scared as something like this has never happened to us.
I think I would limit the kids' exposure to her until you get this sorted.
Also, consider having her tested for a UTI which can cause increased confusion.
I do understand that you will be anxious in case other people in contact with your mother will not share the police's informed, professional perspective; and you want the situation resolved as soon as possible. That's natural, but you will get a better outcome if you set about things in a calm and orderly way.
If your mother is a falls risk then in any case she needs 24 hour support. And not from children under ten, either (what were you thinking?). The point being, that there are all kinds of excellent reasons for finding the right choice of facility for her: it won't be necessary for you to confront her about this latest brouhaha, or in any way to give her to understand that she is not welcome.
Unless her doctor says that she needs 24-hour support, do not start with 24-hour support. Just because she's falling doesn't mean that she needs around-the-clock supervision. She may have Parkinson's dementia.
She needs to be seen by a physician and you need to hear from the physician exactly what she needs whether that's a nursing home, memory care facility, or *professional* help at home that is within *her* budget.
If she needs services, enlist the county social worker to help apply for them.
Start a file on your mother and keep copies of all communications on her behalf in it. Should she ever call the police again, you will have proof that you have tried to help her. Keep a running log on any help that she refuses, doctor's appointments she misses or cancels, etc.
She still has rights but so do you. Unfortunately you are dealing with someone not in their right mind. Remain calm and protect yourself. And do not let your children stay alone with her anymore; your first obligation is to protect your children.
Truly, we do sympathise with how difficult caregiving in general is, let alone in a situation where it is all new and full of very unpleasant surprises.
The trouble with the point about the children, and believe me I was being kind, is that while I'm sure you thought that "all" they had to do was run and get you, and anyway it was only a "just in case" thing, when you strip it down you had still made children of 8 and 9 years responsible for handling a potential emergency. And - your explanation that she just moved here and you haven't seen her in years actually makes it worse -you expected these kids to handle that with a person they barely know. You simply can't do that.
I'm sorry, because the last thing I want to do is make you feel worse; and besides there is no suggestion it'll happen again so it's fine. I hope your local services swing into action good and promptly, please let us know how the conversations go.
As you were advised, stay clear of her. If she would actually phone the police to report you, you can’t be sure what else she would do even if you were only trying to help her.
There is nothing wrong with having found out that your mother's needs are greater than you are able to meet. As you say, you hadn't seen anything of her for years: how were you to know what her mental state was? Fine, so you start work on Plan B, as you are doing.
Pretending that there's no mid-point between leaving children with her overnight without a responsible adult in the house on the one hand, and abandoning her to her fate and denying the children any time with their grandmother on the other is just silly.
I'm sorry this hasn't worked out better for you all. I hope there will be a safe place for your mother somewhere where you can all visit her, and wish you every success with it.
At this point, I’m no longer sure what you’re asking or what solution you are looking for. Do you want Grandma out or not? On one hand you tell us she suffers from unreasonable anger that’s so bad you want her to leave and on the other hand you tell us she’s a wonderful granny who colors with and treats your kids to candy. Which of these personalities of her’s do you want your children to get to know?
Those of us who cautioned you against leaving young children to supervise Grandma overnight still feel that way, and I apologize if your feelings are hurt by the advice you asked for. If Grandma’s afflictions are so concerning that you fear she cannot be left alone, she needs the supervision of a trained adult. Whether or not you decide to do that is now up to you.
Have you had your mom tested for a UTI? These can cause bizarre behaviors in the elderly.
Have you made arrangements for her to be seen by someone who can possibly help with meds for her delusions?
I'm not by any means suggesting that your children never see GMA again. I'm suggesting that your protect them from her UNTIL THIS GETS SORTED.
I assume that your kids sleep at night. If granny falls, are they going to wake up? Wouldn't installing a camera serve that purpose?
If she is completely irresponsible with her money, I believe you can do what's called representative payee from social security. This would allow you to pay her Bill's and provide her needs with her money.
I am sorry that you and your family are having to deal with this very hard situation. May God give you the strength to deal with it peacefully, sounds like it can get a lot worse before it gets over.
HUGS 2 U at this difficult time!