Mom had heart attack today.
I went to my job and my mom was alone (I thought my more capable dad was home) and he left to go to the dentist.
I took a break at work as per my boss's insistence to find 7 VMs that life alert got an emergency call from fire rescue and were transporting Mom from home (I live like a rat in the basement sleeping on the couch if I can consider it home)...to a major hospital further from them. I happen to be working 5 mins from that major hospital. That she activated the emergency necklace told me this was bad. That she was being sent to the major hospital w chest pains.
I actually ran out of work and flew 90 miles an hour (ok not 90) to the ER ad got there before her. When they got me to her she was surrounded by 20-28 medical staff. EMS was amazing and stayed with her. She did not recognize me at first because of the confusion.
I held her had as she had a second heart attack.
Having a severe headache, they took her to MRI to rule ut stroke.
Not a stroke.
Transport cath lab stat... open up any blockages and so forth.
My dad was not reachable for a long time. My cousin got hold of me and him ad agreed to transport him to ER and not tell him immediately that she had a STEMI.
At 95 we dont need him careening down the road in his town car hearse like vehicle. God love him.
I eventually get a hold of my other two sisters in neighboring states. One is a nurse and married to a cardiologist.
Meanwhile - code blues going off a few times in cardiac lab and floor.
My co worker - works as a nurse at the hospital. She showed up to sit with me because she knows my siblings really dont get what its like. Essentially - as many of you have experienced yourselves - you get hit with the bulk of caregiving and little to no respect, help or ...help. They have great lives and it sucks to be me.
She stablizes. One sister who was sobbing on the phone shows up with y dad after driving 2.5 hours to the area. Yaye.
I let everyone in fam know what was going on. I love my cousin but she left the hospital after abut 1/2 hour telling me not to go home unless someone was there to drive my dad home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. That's correct. You know little to nothing about my integrity yet? I work in health care. . I cannot count the times I had been there with her om the last yr of her life when my cousin was not on the radar.
Nurse sister shows up after I had to hear he husbands interpretation of the status of my mom. Sure I appreciate his input. But then it was insulting that I am not a healthcare proxy for my mom. My dad was. He wasnt available. My sister is the second in command and she does NOTHING to help on a reg basis. I told ER doc to ask my mom what her wishes are before surgery if she is awake and alert (she was). In the absence of that, we would wait to speak to my dad or sister.
My sister forgot to take one of her anti depressants and left the new script back at her home. I said get an emerg dose sent here and I will pick it up.
I did. That nightmare can be told another day. CvS sucks.
I get home. I call my sister. She is w my dad getting food with my dad and other sister. Did they even call to ask if I wanted anything?
NOPE
I get home to a disaster in the house and clean it up.
One sister is leaving tomorrow. The other is probably going to leave as well. Still no word on how mom wiill fare next few days.
They get back. I texted that I would be cancelling a long awaited and planed trip where I am running a race because they were probably going back to their lives. Neither had to work BTW. I did but clled out. If I dont show up I dont get paid. My sister is her husbands NURSE. The other has help in her dog boarding business.
SO I cancelled my trip, lost my deposit 250$ plus entry fees for race etc. due to cancellation. It is snowing here suddenly. So that sucks too.
I had no idea their plans and it was late. I had to make a decision re trip and work. Neither seemed to absorb the timeliness of the issue.
One says oh go ahead on your trip I will stay through sunday. I dont come back until Monday so that doesnt work for me. Dad will try to haul to the ER to see her and then she also has to return home if all goes ok. Or not.
The siblings come back home w dad. They yell down into the abyss basement - i dont yell. Talk like a human in lower tones please. Come down here but dont yell down and presume my lack of reply has to do with being mad...I simply refuse to yell and I was busy.
I go back up and one of them yells WHY ARE YOU MAD. I do not operate like this. It is not the time or place or manner in which one should be addressed. It is the scapegoat (me) role that I have no right to be treated with respect and made to feel like my feeling unhappy is ok.
I take care of BOTH parents and my retarded brother lives in a state home down the road and I visit him etc. Im not his proxy either and neither sister has seen him in years even when they come to visit. Thanks dad.
I wanted to vent
I also assert myself when my brother puts me down. I don't allow myself the role of doormat to anymore. and no one should.
Most women are over kind and are not abusive to others. I am not mean or cold. I've simply had enough abuse from my dysfunctional family. I've learned to give in measured amounts. Not a great warm fuzzy way to live but this is what I can do. Giving all and playing beck and call is more disasterous!
You had a right to leave despite your mom's begging.
You are surviving and being stronger than you even realize. The level of dysfunction with emotional dishonesty and blackmail in your family is high, it is as transparent and self-serving as all get out, and you know it, but that does not always make it as much easier to face as one would hope.
Its been hard. My car flatlined and headed for the compost. Dad offered to co sign until I can take out what I have left in retirement to pay him in Jan. My credit is no good anymore. I tried to say no - and did many times but he kept insisting. I agreed. I already paid the registration tags and two mos of payments - wanted to wait until Jan to wd so I could try to pay back 401 next yr and not get hit with those taxes in april. Might be able to do a hardship exemption. Not sure.
He then went back and forth after insisting he help - since they dont pay me for caretaking or anything. I said its just til Jan. The back and forth was ridiculous and frankly, exhausting on me since I had to continue to rent a car and it was expensive. I had no way to work or other things I needed to do.
Anywho - he started screaming at me because he decided he thought I should get a different car after we applied for the loan. This was getting ridiculous. I explained I did not want him to loan the money and it was a bad idea and that I would get the car I was planning to without his help. He was screaming and spitting in m face while cursing at me saying he hated me. Telling me to grow up. As I told him he will not speak to me that way he told me to get out of his house. While he was screaming at me he (as always) accused me of trying to kill my mother.
I packed my things and my mom cried begging me not to leave her. I was going to stay in the shelter until I could get on my feet. He started saying not to go and that he didnt mean what he said. I said no I am leaving.
I went downstairs and my mom came down and was actually understanding and said it was why she became addicted to alcohol. His rages and domineering narcissism made it toxic to live with. She said it wasnt me who needed to grow up. I felt so sorry for her. I realized how damaging this man has been. It even caused her siblings to stay away for yrs and she thought it was due to her.
They got a to day a wk caretaker who has a cane and cannot take her for walks and plays solitaire while my mother sleeps. My sister said that is inexcusable and I supplied an alternate caregiver service through co worker. SHe said she would call but did not. Anyways. I get a text stating they werent going to change the caregiver as my parents seem to like her. I said ok decide amongst yourselves as I said from the beginning. She accused me of going to the "darkside" and told me not to get angry.
Since when is agreeing and letting them do whatever they want the darkside? Having boundaries means DARKSIDE? And getting angry ? I wasnt until I was accused of being dark simply because I have to detach or lose my mind. She doesnt live here and she and my dad ask my opinion ad then love to discount me and then judge me. So I stay out of it.
Boundaries means the darkside in my family. They get angry, rage, treat me like crap and when I simply detach, I am called dark. And the ironic thing is that I am instructed NOT to get angry. No one has the right to tell me what to feel or prescribe what emotions are allowable.
They dont even know me.
The worst thing about being told Dont get mad - is that it is usually followed by comments that have no right to escape a person's lips. They want a free pass.
My father never says thank you nor appreciates a damned thing I do. He uns off and leaves me here alone with Mom whenever he wants. I have taken her out daily and cleaned, cooked, shopped - managed meds., called them in and spoken to Drs etc...and he takes off and does not tell me - leaving me standing here without anyone to care or sit with mom. While my own life disintegrates.
He does not do a damned thing except growl when I walk in a room. I never know what mood he willbe in so I stay quiet. If I am quiet - he has always raged at me for being "unhappy".
I wish to god I had a ft job that I could support myself with. I am working on it because I cannot outlive the insanity of this toxic man. It is killing me and my siblings are helpiing.
Nite nite
Yes, I have a therapist. I have pride which is why I am posting here and not talking to my family who does not give a rats rear.
I was venting. I am grateful for the good things. I am a perpetual effing Pollyanna and work my rear off to get my parents to see the good in every day.
You see - I am well aware of the good things and living with negativity around the clock by an alcoholic and narcissist will wear a person down to the bone. Hence my vent. I mean. She just had 2 heart attacks. I am a little on edge.
I am aware of the services. Well aware. I also am a supervisor for the homeless shelter. We help w community services ad nauseum. Hard part is keeping parents from firing the help. I am doing dual duty with two. One doesnt want to wear undergarments and pees and sh+ts in the bed while wanting to drive at 95 yrs of age despite attempts to intervene. I am blown away at that whole thing. Yet here we are.
I am also in grad school - ha - I had to take half the semester off because I was overwhelmed - AND - - - - I am also broke. (throws confetti).
MsMadge - thank you. It is 3 am here and I appreciate the note. Best words to hear today - I am listening.
Johnjoe much apreciated. Thank you for the kind words.
Gershun what an amazing story - and thank you for sharing it.
Babalou -They will send her home as per the MD. She wont go to rehab. It's not up to me and I have been here a while now. I don't care whatmy siblings think of me. Past that. I just needed help and I certainly do not have an illusion of them helping. Just venting. I am of course, making plans for leaving after I have determined what my personal best here will be.
jjmummert - no I am pretty much solo. But that is not the imminent focus at this moment. Ihave been working hard at securing a FT job that will hire a 50+ woman a wage that will support me to move and live plus pay off debt my ex left me with. Thats another ball of wax for another day. Just not this day.
freqflyer - your post is funny. And true. If only I could keep one home. But here we are.
G nite all
Rather than loooking to be fixed. Rather than being told platitudes. I think more than anything I was and still am feeling worn out. The things is - I am am venting. I feel unheard. Simple enough. I do appreciate the tough love but maybe on another day when I am less bruised. OK?
It took me a while to realize that not everyone does well in a medical emergency. Anytime my Dad was sent to the ER via 911, my sig other would drive me there and leave me off at the door, and then head home. Oh how that irked me as I would have liked to have had his support. He hated hospitals. My ex was the same way.
If someone doesn't like hospitals or rehabs or assisted living facilities it is better they stay home, otherwise you would be dealing with two patients.... one needing actual care... and another whining that they feel like passing out.
Here's hoping your Mom recovers well after her heart attack. My Dad had one 7 years ago and after physical therapy he was doing well.
Mom is in a good place and will receive care for a while. Spend quality time with her when posible. These could be final weeks or months.
If there is any possible way to move out, do so as soon as possible. This is an important step in taking your life back. Any friends who might home share with you and rent you a nice room at a rate you can afford? It's a good interim step before securing your own place.
Given your clan, you are an amazing daughter.
In all probability, mom will be sent to rehab after her hospital stay. DO NOT allow her to say no. Get the doctors to tell her that she absolutely has to do this to get strong.
Do some research now about rehab facilities that also have Assisted Living facilities on campus. It sounds as though your parents are at the point where living alone, even with you in the basement, is no longer a good choice.
Your anger and resentment at your siblings may be justified, but it's really only hurting you--your body, your spirit and your mind. It seems to me, from both watching my extended family and reading on here, that the child who moves in with elderly parents to help is NEVER seen as the hero in their own family; they are seen a freeloading. If only they knew!
Make plans to secure your own place. Step back so that the others have no choice but to work together and step up. "I can't do this anymore", "no" and "I can't possibly do that" are all complete sentences.
But when her health took a drastic decline, I reached out to family members. It was not met with a positive response. Disinterest almost. The day I discovered my Mom sitting on her couch talking to her self because she was in a state of delirium brought on by a severe kidney infection that turned into sepsis I phoned my sister and asked her to come over. The response this was met with was a heavy sigh and "well, if you can't handle this by yourself" Like I was inconveniencing her. When she arrived, husband in tow, they both ignored me, like I was invisible. I guess I ruined their busy day.
That was the beginning of the most stressful two years of my life made even more so by the lack of any real one on one help by most of my siblings.
So yes scaredtaker I do understand and empathize with what you are going through. I would like to tell you though to always remember that you are the strong one, the kind one and the one who God looks down on with love. So take a deep breathe and feel good about yourself. At least you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "you done good"
2. Either get yourself out of the basement or fix it up so it does not feel like a rat hole.
3. Do what is in your heart to do for Mom and Dad, and take some positive pride in it - focus on the positive that you are doing, and not on the negative of what you wish your sibs would do. The sacrifice of cancelling the trip is huge and real, but hopefully meaningful to both of you. They probably have no clue why you are mad and unhappy or what living in the basement and being yelled down to means to you, and possibly did not get the message you were trying to send with that text - they could have either felt insulted by the "going on with your lives" part or maybe they thought you were announcing you had already decided what you were going to do, rather than that you wanted to ask them to cover so you could still go (but is that what you wanted?)
4. Wait, you are just venting and here I am analyzing and therapizing as usual. But yeah, this happens all the time, that things suck, and we can't just say what we really want or do anything for ourselves without feeling guilty, and that siblings play pre-assigned roles and live up or down to expectations instead of being real and pulling together in a tough situation. Family dynamics are often pretty entrenched and really hard to change.
You are a hero by the way
The nurse sister actually left when caring for my sister in the last stages of cancer - to go on a trip. Death was imminent and she left. Thats the mentality. My sister was not old. She was very sick. I would not do that to my mom. I could never live with it. I dont understand the mentality.
I am not close with dad anymore as he hated me once I got divorced as I was a failure. I love mom...she is an alcoholic and a more or less (dad is an enabler which is part of why she had a heart attack) a dry drunk. Loving her while detaching for my own mental health is hard to do. I have a great therapist. And ACOA 12 step.
I fear I cannot continue this caregiving and unable to honor my promise to mom to die at home by not leaving and her having to go to a rest home. Long sentence. Anyways - my siblings are asshats. I have tried so hard and they have NO understanding of the real time daily insanity I live with. Ive been badmouthed and hated and gossipped about.
I just wanted to know why this dynamic is so common. Have you all experienced this same thing?