My mom is always mad and does not want me out of her sight even if my brother or sisters are with her. she and i live together and although i work she expects me home immediatley after i get out of work. if i go with my daughter and grandchildren she is calling for me to come home. she is very rude and nasty. even when my sisters stay with her while i work she is always fighting with them and insulting them and she does the same with her provider.
When none of that works, you have to consider it's a bigger problem than just a fear of aging. It can be a stroke or dementia related personality change that can't be helped with therapy because the brain is physically damaged. It could be a long term/old personality disorder that was never diagnosed & treated. This is usually a big family secret, or everyone has found ways to avoid the mental illness name for it by saying she's had a bad mood her whole life, or she can't handle stress, or even blaming the caregivers for not doing enough to make her happy (since the day they were born).
Has there ever been a situation where blaming the caregiver actually helped anything?
You don't have to participate in her neediness. It's not reasonable that she be with you every free second you have everyday and I'm sure her needing that sucks the life out of you. Create boundaries. You don't have to make a big announcement out of it, just have boundaries where her particular behavior is not ok with you. And then stick to them.
Being angry, mean, impatient, sharp, rude, etc. is *not* a normal sign of aging. Geriatric medicine is a specialty for a reason, just like pediatrics is. Older people do not react to medications like somebody 45 years old would. Older people tend to have more complex situations.
My mom had multiple other "mini strokes" after her big one, which has not helped her one bit. She also has Alzheimers, and we'll never know what brought that on - if it was the strokes or something else.
I would err on the safe side and have her seen by a geriatric specialist to rule out anything a regular old GP hasn't found.
My mom did this and it was very destructive to our family.