I'm so thankful for to find this site so I can get out all of my anger and sadness in having my mother move in with us. Since she has moved in she has become grumpier, meaner, sarcastic, very sarcastic, unhappy, ungrateful, spiteful, rude, and manipulative. I suppose there just aren't enough adjectives to project how I am feeling. She reiterated that I have no talents, am selfish, and tend to be a loner. I told her that should she move in, I do enjoy time to myself and would not always be willing to just sit down in the backyard and chat about nothing while she smokes away. (I'm not a smoker and understand this addiction, but I don't have to be around it either). The more time I spend with her, for this moment, the worse I feel. I cringe when she walks out of her bedroom door. She has chronic CHF so I hear her cough constantly, yet she smokes like a chimney. She does not like anything about our house, yet knew our house way before she moved in and I kept asking her if she was certain about moving in and she said she was, and could not wait for that day, and now she appears to be mostly ungrateful and states, "I wish God would just get this over with". I pull my hair out daily, relatively speaking, and wish that she would move in with her brother and leave us in peace. Gosh, that sounds pretty upset huh? Urgh, well I am!!!!
What are your mom's impairments that prevent her from living on her own? Why does she need to live with you?
I wonder if your mother might enjoy going to a senior center during the day. Sometimes it is hard to get serious smokers to engage in activities, but it would be great if she did. It would lighten her mood and keep her from smoking as much. The CHF and cigarettes are a real bad combination. The nicotine lozenges are often pretty effective for people who smoke. Nicotine in any form isn't very good for the vascular system, but the lozenges would be better than the cigarettes. She wouldn't cough as much. See if you can get her to try the lozenges. If she doesn't want to quit, maybe she could use them for a part of the day, instead of smoking. And maybe she can get out during that part of the day.
Much of her grumpiness is just her own discontent with the changes in her life. Try not to take it personally unless it is directed at you. Then put your foot down. If you're a loner, just say yep, that's the way I am. I can tell you're not selfish, though. You wouldn't have your mother there is you were. I have a feeling that she is just seeing your setting up boundaries as selfishness, i.e., she isn't getting her way.
I hope all of this passes soon and you can go back to being mother-daughter, instead of going through daily battles.
I am one of those adult children that couldn't do it. Mother is much better off in assisted living. She doesn't gripe at those people (as much.)
If it isn't working for you, it isn't working. You tried. Having hate in your household every single minute, will effect your own health. I have watched it first hand.
There is no doubt a degree of dementia there but she still has the capacity to remember most of the time when we firmly and politely tell her we are not going to do it that way here.
Don't want to give false hope,I know what works for one does not work for all, but for now it is tolerable, occasionally even pleasant here.