My Mom never calls anyone in the family.
My mother never calls anyone in the family, then gets pissed when we tell her of an event taking place within a few days and says no one keeps her informed. There's no reason why she can't call us! She has no contact with me, my brother, her grandkids or her great-grands! The last time I spoke with her was 2 months ago, when out of nowhere came, "You treat me like I'm already dead". She's never been a warm fuzzy mother, and when I tried spending time together with her she always had some medical reason why she couldn't. However, she managed to accept outings from my brother and day trips with my father before his passing.
I asked her to choose a broadway show for her Mother's Day gift years ago, she told me she didn't want to go, and had all kinds of excuses why. After many other attempts to spend time with her, I finally told her I was done.
Two months ago was the last time I spoke with my Mother by phone, which ended up with her hanging up on me. I am so done with all this! I have been the peace keeper in this family for years and now the peace keeper is the one she isn't speaking to. For years she (and my dad) didn't speak to my brother. During that time my brothers son died. I told my parents about the death and they seemed to show no interest in attending their grandson's funeral. I told the in no uncertain terms that if they don't go and make amends with my brother that they could forget about me being their daughter. They went.
There's a pattern here, my mother didn't talk to her sister for 39 years and she passed without making amends her. There were other Aunts & Uncles they didn't talk to also but I don't want to get into it.
Long story short, she's going to end up dying alone, bitter, & angery.
Well, now I vented alittle and re-read what I wrote and it doesn't make much sense, but thanks for letting me ramble on!
I have gone so far as to post numbers of relatives, kids, friends in large print right by her phone, and every time I visit they are still there yet she has talked to no one.
I hate being the only contact..but I've accepted it. I call her and check on her about once a week which is all I can stand as its so depressing. She asks about the others but I just say, "don't know mom, why don't you call them?" I've also stopped giving updates to any relatives who call me or email me and ask--I repeat same thing, why don't you call her and ask?
I want to fully disconnect but I can't as my guilt won't allow me, so I suck it up and call. You may have to do same as annoying and frustrating as it is. Keep it short and hang up by saying, I love you.
We do go out to my brother's for the holiday now. This is only because I make the arrangements and do the driving. She has also been very dependent during her life -- first on her parents, then my father, now me. It is actually sad. I think her life would have been happier if she had found her own two feet to stand on early in life. I also think it would have been happier if she had been able to reach out to people, instead of pulling into her shell.
I love the tough way you handle this situation. You are speaking to me girlfriend. I have had enough of trying to be nice. I am always the one who has to give. Glad to see someone who has a situation so very similar to mine and,how they handle it.
BTW, your mom sounds narcissistic. Read all you can about that problem. Take care
My mother is in full control of her faculties, she knows exactly what she's doing. Everyone can change but, ONLY if they want to. And she doesn't want to appreantly. The holidays will prove to be interesting this year but my guess is she will refuse to join in.
Yes, she is my mother and I won't be getting another, I know that. But I'm not subjecting myself to anymore mental abuse from her. I will make one more effort to contact her to see if things can be worked but I'm not holding my breath. I know she isn't going to be a warm fuzzy mother, she never was. I do have expectations, of being treated like an adult and treated with respect. The same things she expects from me! Yes, I am angry and I am hurt! If she was demented I could understand her actions but she isn't.
Palmtrees1, I feel your pain and know where you are coming from in your comment. I'm ight there with you! My mother holds onto grudges for years and years and will never take steps to fix them. She is never wrong, and she will never say, she's sorry. She never attended her mothers funneral because she had a fight with her sister about the arrangements. They didn't talk for 39 years after that. So that meant us kids had no contact with my aunt, uncle and cousins. That same sister died from brain cancer. After all those years (39) I had lost track of my Aunt and through the power of the internet I located her. When I spoke to her she asked me if she could call my mother. Of course to told her yes, although, I warned her she probably won't talk to her. I was right, my mother was still holding a grudge and hung up on her. Maybe I shouldn't have told my mother that my aunt was going to call. Either way the outcome would have been the same.
So, for my own peace of mind I will make one last effort to establish some kind of contact with my mother. Then the ball will be in her court!
Mom has had four siblings with cancer, two died. Whenever I asked about them she would always say," I don't know how they are, they haven't called me to let me know."
I have come to the conclusion this is all a means of control and attention. She expects all of us to pay her attention but she pays very little to her family, especially me. Everything is about her.
Right now she is pissed at me because I won't drive 10 hours or fly (airline ticket plus rental car) to visit her for 2 or 3 days. She can only have company for a couple of days. Then she has to get back out there shopping and she doesn't want to shop with anyone. She told me this herself.
So I think the not calling, not visiting, or whatever else we want to call attention to is all about selfishness, control and the need to be catered to and the need to see how much attention her royal highness gets from her subjects. :/
This woman is never going to be the fuzzy warm communicator that you wish she was. Take it or leave it. It's up to you.
I would really lower any expectations of a cozy relationship with her, and of her sharing the give and take of communication. You could call once a week, once a month - whatever works for you, keep it short and pretty impersonal, rehearse what you want to talk about, - the weather, the grandchildren, the fall colouring, avoid touchy subjects, or distract from any she brings up and "gotta go" if the conversation gets heated. And/or you could send her a note on a pretty card every now and again saying the same sort of thing and call less often. Or some version of these.
It sounds to me that your mother has some long standing "condition" and this is not going to get better,
My mother wouldn't speak to or see any of us if we didn't make the running - but at least she's not snippy with us when we do! Pathetically grateful for the attention is more like it. I agree that it's a free country and there's nothing stopping them issuing invitations, accepting invitations (!?! - what was that about???), or yes indeed just picking up the phone. But the fact is they won't. My mother at least bothers to make excuses - it's too late, it's too early, they'll be at work, they'll be relaxing after work, they'll be eating, she Doesn't Like To Bother Them - but the outcome's the same in that she has her precious grievance to nurture about how overlooked and unimportant she is. Bleah!
Anyway. It might set your mind more at ease if you can figure out the reasons, or at least the history, underneath your mother's terribly jaundiced outlook; but I'm depressed to think that it's probably much too late to help her. It's a great pity, but it's also not you who has to carry all these unhappy, angry, misanthropic feelings around with you. So that just leaves the frustration and hurt for you to deal with (just?!) - if you can try to understand why she's like this, I hope that might help.