Mom is 68, I divorced 4 years ago & she retired same time, she has expectations of my time & has attitude (compares me to her friends kids).
I live 45 minutes away and have been dating a great man (we do not live together)for 3 years w/children. I work full time and have made friends in my new community. I have a sister that lives 20 minutes from mom and spends VERY little time with her-she says it's because mom was not nice to her growing up which she wasn't. My parents are divorced, so I have my dad, stepmother, step siblings and nieces & nephews that I am very active with. **to make sure I spend time with mom and show her that I value that time, we set up an every other Monday schedule. However, this is not enough time or attention for her. She daily tells me about her one (new) girlfriend and how wonderful her children are to her and they stop by everyday...they live in the same city and, the daughter does not work. HELP! she's putting this guilt trip on me and I don't know how to handle this!
Stick to once every other week. Where was she when she was your age? I'll bet she was living her own life, not yours.
MIL said she took care of her mother every day.(guilt card) Bullsnot! She was in Florida for the winter and Canada for the summer. She was on the FLA beach when both of her granddaughters were born.
When she whined her 60 year old daughter needed to do more for her, I said where were you at 60? You were in Florida! Who helped sis when her first baby was born? Not you, you were in Florida!
And perhaps cutting down on the phone calls would be a good idea. Who needs to be compared to other people daily? Maybe twice a week for phone calls?
You know, just because someone buys you the ticket for it, you really don't have to go on guilt trips! You have better destinations for your time and energy.
You are a grown up who gets to decide where the hours of your life go. Honestly. There are thousands of people in that boat with you right now. We were too. I jumped ship on that cow manure.
I had to put up boundaries - big ones - with my mom. She would have me quit my job and leave my husband & kids to sit with her 24/7/365. But mom is a cluster B personality disorder poster child. This is narcissism.
If mom is bored, that is not your problem to solve. You can make suggestions, but you can't make her go to a day program, church activities, senior center field trips, or anything else that might cause joy. My mother was not willing to do anything that did not cause me great inconvenience. I finally told her that it's not my job to be her personal social secretary or cruise director. I have my own life obligations to deal with, thank you.
When my mom was in her early 40s, like I was at the time, she was NOT doing step & fetch with her parents at all. She was 45 minutes away doing her own thing every day of the week.
Boundaries - you get to decide, you get to determine, you get to direct.
I do a fair amount for my parents, but I am okay with it. I have my boundaries and we are all considerate of the other person's time and energy. I chip in to help their friends sometimes too. It's not a problem or inconvenience for me. Everyone is appreciative.
So, I would be quite surprised if all these reports from your mom are accurate.
I would explain what your time and commitment can be and leave it at that. If she keeps the talk up, I would say, that's nice, but I won't be phased by exaggeration or insulted by your insinuations. I'd let her know that you give what you can and that she should stop trying to manipulate you into doing more. If she persists, I'd shorten the phone calls and still stick with the schedule that works for you.