My mother is bedridden, has an in-home aid in the daytime and is using hospice at this point. My brother lives with her and cares for her at night, which in recent months means carrying her to the commode and cleaning up when she has an accident.
Yesterday she accused him of molesting her. She says he strips her of her nightgown when it isn't soiled just to see her naked, and when he cleans her, he touches her inappropriately. I do not in any way believe this is true. I think she is mortified that her son has to see her this way, and he probably is clumsy and quick to clean her and get her back into bed. I know she is misinterpreting everything as "inappropriate," and she's been confused about other things recently, as her condition deteriorates.
The problem is, our other brother believes it. He's demanded that my brother move out of the house and hired 24 hour care for our mother. This situation is poised to blow our family apart.
Tonight I spoke to my mother and she expressed confusion over what really happened and said that she's afraid she spoke hastily and may have done something terrible. Needless to say, my caretaker brother is horrified and has retreated with some other relatives, praying she comes to her senses.
Has anyone heard of such a scenario and does anyone have any advice??
Paranoia is fairly common in advanced stages of Alzheimer's, at least that is what I am seeing. Refocusing them is the most effective counter attack but doesn't always work. I just keep thinking "Imagine how you would feel if every day you wok up wondering where you were and who these people are around you, why are they keeping me prisoner?" It helps me understand what mom is going through and makes my day more tolerable. Your brother is a very good son and brother to take on such a huge responsibility. Give him all the support you can.
Because the accusations are so distasteful, I do believe that the caregiving brother should allow another person to do those chores, such as bathing and potty visits. What an unfortunate situation.
Everyone in this situation needs empathy: Mom, Caregiving brother, and Protective brother. No one is intending harm. If the care can (financially) remain in a paid caregiver's hands, that will take some of the charge out of it, but if that's not an option, Protective brother really needs to come to a place of understanding the nature of both caregiving, and being cared for, and the issues that arise within that.
Wishing you ALL the best.
He offered some possible reasons why she might be saying these things:
- she may have been molested in her youth and these memories might be re-surfacing now that she is once again in a helpless situation (in my grandmother's case this may have been the case)
- she may be confusing the care required and administered by staff as a violation (we gave strict instructions for her to receive personal care only from other women (something the staff already did so we didn't need to ask)
- she may have been having drug and/or dehydration related hallucinations (they monitored her fluid intake more carefully and changed one of her meds )
- she may have just wanted desperately to "get out" of her situation and was imagining that the charge of rape might get her "out".... which of course anyone might feel sympathy about. She had been a vibrant, active woman all her life and this was her worst fear ( having to be in a nursing home)
We were really torn apart by these reports because it adds a layer of huge emotional complexity to the situation where the caregivers and family feel even more of the negative feelings that they may already be feeling having to do with guilt and worry. No one wants to add betrayal and abandonment into that mix but that is what we were worried we were doing to Grandma, and we were horrified that this might possibly be happening. But the doctor reassured us, said there was no bruising and absolutely no evidence. We tried and tried to get Grandma to see that she was safe and nothing like this was happening...but it took a very long time before she stopped saying these things....and even then, she twisted it one more time by saying she "forgave us" for putting her thru the rapes ! It was the worst thing I have ever been thru, emotionally. It was very hard as a family to find our way thru this but eventually we got to accept that she was in fact safe and fine, just confused and possibly remembering a time when she had been abused, but there was nothing more we could do.
I'm wondering if embarrassment on both parties part is partially causing the situation. It is an exceptional son who can do this for his Mother and your brother is to be commended for all that he does do for your Mom. You might consider asking a home health care professional to come for a visit to assess the situation. Is there any way to hire a night-time female assistant who can give your brother and mother a respite? If not, perhaps your family is at the point where you may need to consider the next step in your Mum's care-giving...as difficult as that may be for all.
Best wishes for you all
Your mother is not the problem. Poor dear apparently has some cognition problems even if she does not officially have a diagnosis of dementia. Perhaps the anxiety of needing the kind of help she needed pushed her over the edge into a delusion. If she is now calmer and more realistic about what happened, I suggest helping her explain her mistake to the others she made the accusations to.
Your caregiving brother is not the problem. Poor guy was doing his best at a stressful and distasteful job. In the future he might be able to reduce some of the tension by talking Mother through what he is doing and why, as NancyH suggests. "I'll try to clean you up as thoroughly as I can, to prevent sore skin and possible urinary tract infections." If she is capable of cleaning the genital area herself, that may help, too. This is definitely NOT a criticism of him or a claim that the delusion was his fault. Just a way to perhaps improve future events.
Your other brother is the problem. Goodness! Is he mentally unstable? Does he have some cognitive impairments? Is he totally oblivious to elderly confusions? But OK, let's try to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he really does want what is best for mother and he's doing what he thinks is the right thing.
Would it help if he had a talk with Mother and she explained how confused she was and how sorry? Is there some outsider who could explain the facts of elderly confusion to him, such as her doctor or a social worker or the head of the caregiver agency? Because if he goes on in his belief that his brother has molested his mother I can't see much possibility for healing in this family.
Does Mother have the resources for 24-hour care? If so, that might not be a bad thing, greatly reducing the stress on other family members. In other words, even though it was done for a wrong reason, might this possibly be a right outcome?
If mother gets into another panic/delusion and accuses the hired caregiver of wrongdoing, what then?
This whole situation is so terribly sad. I'm so sorry you are dealing with it.