Mother wants to battle anytime we talk.
It is so hard to live like this. Anytime I sit down with my mother she tries to start a battle. Mostly I don't argue with her. I just let her talk. But it is hard to sit there and listen to someone saying stuff that makes me feel bad and have to suck it up. This morning I had a customer write about some things she wanted to order. I made a mistake of mentioning it to my mother, who went into a conversation that the customer was always right. It wasn't relevant to anything to do with the transaction, but that didn't matter. She went into a spiel about how I just couldn't seem to get it in my head that the customer was always right and that is why I didn't get business. What? Who? Where did that come from? It was all inside my mother's head and she just had to say something to fight at me. I didn't say anything, but just said to myself not to even try to take up for myself.
Then I realized what a terrible position this is to listen to such things all day and not be able to defend oneself. It is like being a human punching bag for all the negative emotions of someone who holds the age and dementia cards. She always speaks with anger at me, like she is mad at me for never being good enough.
A particularly bad problem has shown up. I went out with a man 2-3 weeks ago. He was not my type. Last time I talked to him I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship -- that I only wanted to be friends -- but he keeps calling on my cell phone and my mother's phone. My mother thinks that he is only doing it because he really likes me, and that I should grab him up. I told her I didn't like him. She said that didn't matter, and she started laying out all his good traits. I barely know the man and she doesn't know him at all. She keeps on at me to go after this man that I don't like because he has some money. I want to ask her if she could for once be on my side about something.
My mother has moderate dementia, but I am also realizing more that she has a core of evil in her. My parents had what looked like a loveless marriage, and I often wondered if my mother married him as a meal ticket. (Actually, I know that she did, though she would never admit it.)
Respite is not a good answer. I spend a good bit of time away from her, but it is the same when I come home. She thinks I am lowly and not worth much. She has this idea she is paying my bills, though I tell her repeatedly that she is paying me nothing and that I pay my own bills. She thinks I should have my rabbits put to sleep so she and I can go places -- yeah, like I would do that.
I feel bad even writing this, but it is hard to find someone to talk to. How do you tell anyone that your mother acts like an evil person. Of course, they'll just say that she's old or that she has dementia, but the truth is that she has always acted that way. Only now she is worse. It can be like a battle where evil is trying to chip away at good, who is not allowed to defend herself.
I know there is no solution other than to leave. I just needed to vent some of these bad feelings.
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Some people do have personality changes with dementia. Most people with dementia tend to become more self-centered. But basic personality traits can shine through. I am so grateful that my husband's basic kindness and good humour shone through right to the end. I am so very sorry that your mother's nastiness has been made even worse.
Hugs to you, dear lady.
But it is hard to sit there and listen to someone saying stuff that makes me feel bad and have to suck it up.
Why do you suck it up? Why do you even listen? Get up and walk. Let her talk that smack to the walls. Is something forcing you to sit in that chair right there next to her? No? Then you're making the choice to listen. And you can choose otherwise.
You said:
Then I realized what a terrible position this is to listen to such things all day and not be able to defend oneself
Why not? Why can't you defend yourself? If your mom is coherent enough to batter you with a 'spiel' of words, she's coherent enough to understand when you say ENOUGH. Again, are you tied to that chair when she's going off with rope? Is she holding a gun to your head making you sit there and take it? No? Then don't take it.
As far as the man goes, next time she starts, write down his phone number in front of her, hand it to her, and tell her to give him a call and go out with him herself if she thinks he's so wonderful. You're not interested, and you don't want to hear anymore. If she starts, you walk. Over and over and over again. Why is that hard? And if this joker doesn't get the hint, ask him what part of 'Piss off' he doesn't understand.
Why isn't respite a good answer? Sounds like a plan to me.
You said:
How do you tell anyone that your mother acts like an evil person.
Like you just did right now. And tell it to HER, too, if that's how she makes you feel.
You said:
who is not allowed to defend herself.
Not allowed? Says who? Who told you that lie?
If your mom is well enough to dish the bullshit and know what she's doing and saying, and can carry on long lucid conversations, and knows what her words mean, she's well enough to understand that YOU'RE not going to ALLOW HER bad behavior in your world anymore, and that if she continues, she'll be without you as her caretaker because you'll be gone, and she'll be sitting in a facility somewhere.
If you don't empower yourself, nobody will. You choose to listen, or you choose not to. To me, it's simple.
Debralee, I do try to be strong, but all this weighs heavily on me. There is so much that I could write pages and only cover a little. I am just worn to the point that I am trying to figure out what I am going to do. It's not so simple, but I'm feeling battered. It is making my life very unhappy.
I do get a good bit of respite, so that is not a big problem. My biggest problem is my own insanity, thinking each morning that I am going to wipe out any bad thoughts I've been having and try to be pleasant. When you live with someone you have to get along or you have to move. I am getting near the point of moving and really needed to vent some of these bad feelings. I think Debralee said it best when she used the word disrespect. In the case of my mother, it is impossible to gain respect. If I say I'm leaving, she will get nice for a while, but then it goes back to being hateful.
One thing that is very important to me is that I keep my goodness. In dealing with evil, I don't want to become evil myself. It is important to me to stay the person that I am. I like me, even if others may not.
I cannot really give him ultimatums because I'm living in his house/land. My rent is caregiving him and we share half of the bills. Yes, I can pack up and leave. But, I don't want to do that - due to some family dynamics going on. So, I stay and put up with his treatment to a certain extent.
I understand about going out for respite and when you go back home, all the stresses just comes crashing back down on your head/shoulders. It may seem worse than before you left....but JessieBelle, ANY respite is better than none. If you stay 24/7 with your Very Negative mother, she will beat you down until when she tells you jump, instead of resisting, you will say, "How high?" or even worse, you just automatically jump. She has now beaten your spirit to a slave that she would disrespect even Worse than before. How do I know this? I compare myself with my oldest sis living with us. Father has beaten her spirit. She is more afraid of him than me. She would give him whatever herbal pills he wants and doesn't care if the bottle says once a day. If father says he wants to take it 3 x day, she gives it to him. When he tries that BS with me, I fight him. I take the damn bottle (which sis later gives back to him), and only limit One. She obeys him. I listen, decide if it's good or not and fight him if it's not. ..even if it means we're yelling at each other. Of the 2 of us, father treats sis like dirt. I mean he really treats her like dirt. When he tried that with me several times, I threw all his herbal into the trashcan or refuse whatever he Ordered Me to do. So, he treats me better than he does with sis. He's still abusive but not as bad as he is to sis. I hope you take advantage of the respite to regroup your spirit so that you can continue to fight against your mom's negativity. You really really don't want to be like my oldest sis...no backbone and jumps to Whatever Father Wants. {{{HUGS}}}
And yeah, if you're waiting for respect from such people, you are doomed to disappointment. And that flip switching from shitty to nice.... There is no nice in these types of people, JB. Just a strategy to keep you right there. And what's scary about that, it works because you want to believe it. And then Hyde is back, full force, until next time you threaten to walk. Then it's Jekyll again... and on and on and on and on...as long as people allow it to go on.... forever, if people don't make different decisions on how to handle it, and decide for themselves that they simply won't deal with that kind of negativity in their world anymore. You don't have to be a gladiator to cut someone off, thereby changing the rules. Make these types play by YOUR rules...
Your goodness is there and always will be. Nobody can take that away from you no matter what they do. And right now, no, you're not the best person you can be, nobody dealing with an abuser is, because you're in a life where someone else's negativity and verbal abuse make that absolutely impossible.
I can vouch for that. 1977 I walked out on mom (for almost 30 years) because she was getting so nasty, crazy, or whatever was going on with her. It did teach the lesson forcibly that I had had enough of her crap and I was out.
So, now I['m back home, she seems to know enough not to pull the garbage she did before. I have to watch though: if she starts getting antzy, I just leave the room.
Hang in there.. set limits, boundaries, whatever will work for you and do it. Leave her to talk to an empty room.
You probably know that I think that I would not live with a person like your mother. I would find another way to care for her in another place. But I respect the decision you have made, and wish you well.
Hang in there!
The good thing is she is still pleasant this morning. Someone must have heard my pleas for help. :)
On the inside, she is shopping, but is telling everyone that would listen about how the store used to be Kohl's. The people were all very nice. I don't know if it was ever Kohl's in the past, but it really didn't matter. It did to her, though.
She picked out some things that were too small, so I ran back and forth getting things that fit. Finally we were finished and she was tired. On the way back home she told me how cheap and disgusting things were in the store, and how much better it used to be when it was Kohl's. And I wondered why dementia didn't take the "mean" away with the memory. I mean wouldn't it be better if the person just accepted they forgot stuff, rather than fighting about it? I don't know what it is about the brain tangles that brings out such combativeness. I wish it would bring out sweetness.
The clothes are sitting back on her bed now. Maybe she'll think they are from Kohl's, so harbor no ill will against them. I treated myself to some butter pecan ice cream and coffee. I earned them.
and then. I know i am worth so much more than given credit for. So are you
But it's harder when they were that way before. I wonder how many of these hard to deal with folks actually sufferred from diagnosable mental conditions before the dementia. This definition helps explain the multiple personalities I've seen my MIL switch to. They literally fall apart I guess. Heartbreaking and soul sucking for those who try to take care. I think your Mom is deperately trying to be relevant.
After the stroke, her "true" personality has come out. Before the stroke, she could manipulate (etc) like the best of the them AND hide her personality. Now, it has come out full force. My husband likes to say that the stroke "revealed" her true self to everyone.
I think that these "harder to deal with" folks have these issues BEFORE getting old/strokes/etc. They just hide them really well. For example: No one really knew my mother was a raving lunatic until after the stroke. It was almost like the flood gates opened up, letting everyone see the REAL her.
As per the battles with your mother? Every time I visit her she is wanting to fight about something. I had to actually put her in a nursing home (5 minutes away) just to keep some of my own sanity. That doesn't stop the calls from her or staff, nor does it stop the battles. But, now, I am not getting the full brunt of it every time I visit. My kids aren't allowed to visit with me anymore because of her attitude. She has also been known to throw things at me.
My husband isn't really evil, but he is pretty unhappy and spills it out all over me. I know how it feels to sit there with my mouth shut and let the bile flow out of his mouth.
I have two thoughts, sort of related. When she says how useless you are, tell her you're sorry she got stuck with such a disappointing daughter. It gives you a chance to respond, and by mirroring her words to her, it's possible she might hear herself, or just want to contradict you, and say you're not THAT bad. Comments like that surprise my husband, and make him laugh.
The other possibility is to sympathize with her over how disappointing HER life is to her. Ignore the specifics she complains about, and respond to the dissatisfaction inside her. Theoretically, love and compassion should burst forth on both sides.
I think you are very wise and good. I hope you can find some ways to help yourself. It's a constant struggle. Hugs.