I'm going on year 12 of taking care of my mother. She's still pretty good for 87 but has always been depressed and negative. She doesn't have any friends and doesn't want any. Also doesn't care for any of her siblings. She only wants me an no one else. She didn't have much time for me till my dad past away and I've become tired of her dependency . How can I move beyond the past? Why can't she see what she's doing to me? I could never do this to my daughter. I was raised to never make my mother cry. My dad catered to her their whole married life. Consequently she's never had to manage on her own. I see many more years ahead for both of us and I desperately need coping skills. She's not going to change and I'm not going to abandon her. Trying not to think ahead but can't help it. Future looks very dismal
That is an irrational point of view that we must never do something that upsets someone because sometimes we must do things for a person's safety and care that they might not understand and find upsetting. As a parent, did you ever do anything in your daughter's behalf that she found upsetting at the time? Most parents do unless they totally spoil their children. Frankly, your mom has been spoiled by your dad and wants you to keep up the same behavior which is not healthy for her or for you. She's not going to change at her age, but somehow you need to find some ways to take care of you.
There are some articles on this site about detaching with love that might help you with needed emotional boundaries between yourself and your mom.
Does your mother have any resources to spend on hiring some outside caregivers because you absolutely need and deserve a break?
Does she take anything for her depression?
Do you have any siblings or are you an only child?
Is she living in your house or are you living in her house?
Are you married? If so what does your spouse think about this whole situation?
Sounds like you may have some depression yourself which from the situation is totally understandable. You may want to find someone that you can talk about this with and vent your emotions face to face. You need to find some ways to keep her from sucking you in totally into her depressed, negative, isolated, dependent world or it will become your world.
Mom is 82 and as she approached her elder years her dependence on me just got worse. Dealing with her escalating needs and after a number of other family crises I ended up getting sick both physically and mentally. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I realized I could not continue the with way things were. I finally understood that my Mom was ill and would not be changing. I could never make her happy but maybe I could be happy. I got the help I needed to detach in a loving way.
I stopped calling her everyday. That was huge. I politely changed the subject or ended conversations that felt toxic to me. When she tried to pick a fight I did my best not to respond. It took a while but eventually the dynamics between us shifted. She has not changed but I have. Things are better, not perfect but better.
I thank God I was able to change my relationship with my Mom before my Dad got sick.
I wish you all the best, you deserve to be your own person not an extension of your Mom.
I'm grateful that I found this site. I will continue reading some of the posts on the difficulties of caregiving. That alone helps a lot. Sometimes I wish I could run away and no doubt others feel the same. Again, many many thanks for your responses....so appreciated.