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For the past 15 months my life has changed considerably and not for the best. Mom’s accident, care of her, care for dad, moving them to AL last fall etc. I was strong with everything. But my folks have been pretty unhappy at their AL place (Nov 2015) even though its lovely and they (at times) agree it’s nice (they loved in the beginning.) Such lovely residents and staff but the dependency on me is too intense and it’s time I broke away a bit. I do regret moving them so close to me but I really thought it would be easier. I am getting them established with doctor appointments and though the AL place can take them they can't in the beginning. Some of the appts aren't that big a deal anyway.
However my dad's depression has hit an all-time low recently (even with medication and recent therapy) and he is now in the psych ward for the elderly here in town for the next few weeks. It's a great hospital that I know will help him. We are very lucky it’s local but after he comes back to AL...I have no idea how he will do. Poor man has had a lifetime of depression but has worked so hard overcoming it. Being at AL isn't helping his state of mind as he sees it as an end. He is physically in great shape. He has several more years if not more but without a decent outlook on life what’s the point? My mom’s sleeping patterns suck so I have to get her meds looked at as I know one or two knock her out in the morning. That’s no life! If I can get my parents to read again that would be the greatest! They both are big readers! No…I can’t have them live with us. There is no point in that as they do require too much care now and they have the money to oversee this.
My mom needs to take this time and get to know people more personally at AL. She has but not enough. She is now eating meals with a few of them. She misses dad terribly and that's understandable but I can't babysit her every day. My own health both mental and physical is starting to fade. My hair has started to fall out. AUGH! My siblings try but I am taking on 90% of most of this. I have accepted it and too many families have this similar situation. I have little fun in my life this year. I am just tired. My blood pressure is A-ok shockingly.
By mid-summer I will be giving most of the responsibilities over to the AL place as I can't do it anymore. I have such respect for you all who actually live with this for years in your own homes.
Caregiver burnout is intense and very real. When your own life is unrecognizable to you it’s time to make changes. Thanks for reading.
I miss my dad :'(

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I hope you can hold on until midsummer. Why can't the AL facility take over before then? Making them happy may not be possible. I'm not sure I would let myself be responsible for that.

You are right about your health. I went though that and suffered AFTER I got out from under the bulk of the work. Once Memory Care took over most of the duties, I was free to attend to myself. You might line up appointments tor medical and dental care now. Try to be more gentle with yourself.
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Yes, I have many appts lined up between now and July 13. Summer is already here. I have to see this through but have the AL on board. They know all about this.
It's essential that I get back to my life now. You're right...I may not be able to make them happy.
At 53 I have a long way to go (hopefully)
I am quite grateful both homes sold and there is money to care for their needs.
Thank you for your nice note.
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Even when your loved ones are in AL, there is still lots of work, especially, if you are the DPOA and HCPOA. What I started doing was thinking out loud before I did things. I would question, Is this reasonable? I try to abide by that. It's one way to keep me in check.
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C99Brook, if your parents can afford the AL facility to take care of the things you use to do, let them do that. I tried to get my folks into Independent Living but it fell on deaf ears [pun intended]. Once my Mom passed, my Dad was ready to move to senior living.

Couple months ago I let the facility take over the management of Dad's pills as Dad was forgetting to take them. Dad had morning caregivers for 4 mornings out of the week, and last month I asked the Agency to add another 2 mornings. Dad grumbles about the cost, but I don't care, this is for my own sanity.

Lot of work trying to empty my parents house, it's been 3 months now and I am just too tired to open their front door and finish sorting out things. Hey, I am a senior myself, going 70 years old. I am also in full charge of my Dad's financials as Dad just can't manage the bills any more. My gosh, it's like having a part-time job untop of my current employment.

You are right, caregiver burnout is intense and very real, it doesn't matter if one is hands-on 24 hours a day, or doing the logistical work trying to get everything organized. Dad's been in the senior living for over 4 months now, and just the other day my mental and physical health had crashed and burned from 7 long years of trying to talk sense into two 90+ year olds who refused to moved from their house which had a lot of stairs... thus I am in the process of getting therapy/meds to help me through this.

How I wish I would rewind the past few years, I would have done things so differently.... by enabling my parents to keep living their own lifestyle I had to make major changes to my own. What is wrong with this picture?
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FF and c99I feel for you. I was alway pretty chipper for the 2 years I first took in my folks,, but now adding the IL drama to my life is sucking the joy out of me. hubs is moody, Mom is moody.. I am not alowed to be moody.. Heck yes I am! I am always in a state of dread lately.. Hope I snap out of it soon
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You know it's amazing that there are all these adult children of seniors who run themselves ragged trying to care for their parents and others who could care less.

In my personal life, I know many seniors, most are friends with my parents, whose adult children do NOTHING for them. They call and make modest request, even just a short visit on the holiday or a 5 minute call, but their kids are too busy, not available, never get around to it. It's really shocking. It's amazing. Some go overboard and other seniors get nothing. lol I know these people too and they are good, kind people who gave their children so much growing up. I can't figure it out.
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C99Brook - I see a lot of my own experiences in your post. I also see some in others replies. I think freqflyer has a message that hits a mark for me and should for you too. That is - do not allow it to become a situation where you have twisted your own life up in knots in order for them to live as they choose. Enabling. My mother just chugged along making demands of me in order for her to do what she wanted. Mom either didn't care or couldn't see the toll it was taking on me. I honestly think that some of these parents, like my mother - stop seeing you as a person with their own life. You become more of a tool that they use to remain as independent as possible. Thing is - the independence is a farce - because if it weren't for the enabling adult child, they would be force to adjust their lives, maybe move to AL or accept an outside caregiver etc. You've got the right idea - letting AL take more care of your parents - follow through with it. If you don't you'll wind up with lost years you'll never get back. I finally got it - but not until a lot of damage had been done - and yes, lost years.
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I almost forgot! About your hair - the same thing happened to me when it became clear my father - whom I adored, would pass at any time. My hair continued to fall out as it also became clear I was going to have to look after my mother - whom I have "issues" with - at a far more involved level than I had anticipated - and she's a handful. Anyhoo- loosing my hair was especially traumatic for me as I've alway had good hair, to the point it was a part of my identity- I hate how shallow that sounds...So, I did some research and learned about supplements/vitamin that would help. Look into somethings called MSM, L-Carnitine and iron. I had to add all three and it did the trick. If you can take supplements- give these a try.
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Rainmom.....I also love my hair and I'll be damned if I'll lose it over this!
Thank you for your remedy! I will check it out today!
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Rainmom Im going through the losing my hair thing right now and its devastating to me. 2 years worth of h3ll have taken their toll . Its traumatizing to go from thick beautiful hair to scalp for miles. How long did it take for you to see results from those supplements? Im at the point where Im spending lots of $$ trying to fix it AND hide it. I just want my beautiful hair back. My stress has ended ( Almost ended... my mother moved to her own place thank you Jesus) so I hope that helps.... and I keep telling myself it took a couple of years to fall out so give it some time but Im sick of hiding it and scared to death it will never grow back.
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1golflady and C99Brook - I'm relieved you understand what I meant about my hair - I didn't want to sound like my world revolved around my hair, lol! I was also considering some type of expensive implants and other costly solutions. I was loosing my hair around my forehead- bangs - and on top, almost in a "male pattern baldness" fashion that is typically related to hormones and not much one can do to save it. I didn't want to mess around with hormone therapy as I was mid menopause and having enough issues with coping with hot flashes! Anyhow - after trying creams like Roegain(sp) and shampoos etc I was still effectively sporting a woman's "comb-over" - pretty, huh? I learned that hair grows in three stages - growth, resting, shedding and the cycle runs about three months so once I went through the three months - just to be sure I wasn't getting hysterical over a normal process - I started the supplement testing/researching process after then. I started with the MSM, then added the L-Carnitine (which is also good for burning fat) but it wasn't until I added the iron that I noticed a big difference. So I scaled back in the first two to see if it was just iron I needed - nope - results slowed. So, it did take me a while to really get good results. But probably just about two - four months. Be careful about taking iron. I was not anemic and eat my fair share of red meat - being post menopausal, iron isn't usually recommended. However I take 65 mg a day with no negatives - just the positive of not having to look at my shinny scalp in the mirror!
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Ps - make sure you don't have a scalp issue with Sebum. Look is up, but basically it's somewhat normal unless it starts to build up - if you use a lot of products or tend to have oily hair. It can plug the hair folicals making hair fall out and preventing regrowth. They make special shampoos to treat it. Also - if you use a lot of products and/or a lot of conditioner, by a shampoo to use one a week that is designed to get rid of build up. Nutrogenia(sp) makes a good one - I think it's called Clear. It that's not right, you'll know it when you see it - it comes in a small square bottle and it's clear.
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Rainmom Im going to give this a try. Thanks so much for the info. Im losing my hair in the exact same spot as you did. Im consumed with this problem lol. My doctor found out 3 months ago I was vitamin c deficient and she thought that was the culprit but after taking 1000 mg of it for 3 months I see some new growth but not enough to convince me that was the problem. Deep in my soul I KNOW it was the stress. There was TONS of it daily. So thanks for the Info Im for sure going to try it.
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I just wanted to add that reading your post and all the answers is making me feel better about my decision to place mom in memory care. I can't afford to reach burnout, my hubby and kids depend on me to be the rock in this family, and truthfully, my first priority is to them.
I too have always loved my hair as one of my best features by the way...and I have often thought my "punishment" for that vanity will one day be losing it! Here's to preserving hair!
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JJGood - like things aren't stressful enough, right? I'd find myself looking in the mirror and thinking "great! Now I can't even grow hair correctly"! To top things off I had also developed a mystery rash - that after nearly a year of seeing a dermatologist and using different rx creams was eventually diagnosed as "stress related eczema". Sort of unusual I was told - to develope eczema for the first time at age 50. So things weren't stressful enough - my dad passing, my mother becoming more difficult with each passing day - now I had a mile high forehead, an inch wide part in my hair, and a rash that wouldn't go away. Throw in my weight peaking at an all time high and I was a mess! I just wasn't prepared to deal with all the pain, responsiblity and stress that comes with looking after aging, sick parents. I mean, who is? And compared to a lot of folks I've got it easy! I don't know how people do it - live with the parent 24/7 and take care of their every needs and wants. It's mentioned on this site frequently- that with baby boomers creeping towards retirement-plus, things have to change in how we are caring for/dealing with the elderly - resources that just didn't seem to be a consideration with the advent of Medicare and Social Security. As a society, I wonder if things will be better or worse -say, ten years from now.
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Rainmom, on my gosh, I am on the same path with the hair loss around the forehead/bangs... and the weight gain. I take iron tablets once in awhile, for me I found it make me think better... will try them on a more frequent basis and see what happens for my thinning hair. I am tired of unclogging the bathtub every couple of months.

As for the weight gain, good grief, it all settled into the stomach area... and trying to find a blue jean that didn't make me look like a capital P was a major chore in itself... finally L.L. Bean had a blue jean that worked. I can now go out in the daylight instead of only at night :P

I also don't know how people do it having their elderly parent under the same roof... my parents were in their own home, me in mine... but the running back and forth... the lack of common sense on their part, like Dad climbing ladders at 94 to change a ceiling light bulb. Just couldn't get my parents to "get with the program", and to stop denying they were aging and needed more help.

Now my primary doctor is looking into anti-depressants for me.... oh how I hate to take meds... but now a days there is a DNA test which will help decide which family of anti-depressants would work best for me.
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freqflyer- I know what you mean about not wanting to take pills. I've had three back surgeries and am actively denying I need a forth. When my doctor first prescribed oxycodone I got all freaked out, worrying about addiction and turning into a crack-whore. So I'd only take one when I couldn't take the pain one more minute. I ended up back at the doctor who referred me to a pain clinic. There I learned that for pain meds to be effective in chronic conditions you have to "stay ahead of the pain". They told me to start my day with a pill and stay on a regular schedule taking a pill before the pain got bad. Guess what? It worked and while not a perfect senerio my pains been manageable for several years now - and I haven't had to resort to selling my organs on the black market in order to buy meth! Soooo - like it or not - if a pill will help fix what ails us, when nothing else helps, I say go for it! I mean, why suffer needlessly, right?
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i loved my mother dearly. Gavd up my life.so.she could stay in ber own home and it never occurred to her how great a sacrifice I made, just for "her" peace of mind while I lost mine, and my hair. I became sedentary and aged too quickly. And for what? So mama could stay at her own home, thoigh i left mine 3 whole nights and four days every week. I finally had tongive in and out her in a nursing home. PLEASE: havebthis talk with your own kids and spouse now, while you have all your men%al capacities and tell them i=s ok to put you in a nursing home and get rid of your car when the time comes. You.wont "know" you have dementia and will believe you can take care of yourself." Give them your blessings now and tell them not to feel guilty or intimidated. Just do what's necessary. Your loved ones dont know they have dementia and you wont either.
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I did the same thing, moved to their home, took care of them. So what about my hubbie and kids? Finally realization hit me like a brick. So, we moved them with us. I have my hubbie and kids back and I know they and me are under care. I still have to do it all but it is in my space and I have my family back and they have my back.
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Update on my situation....
I have tried everything imaginable including group therapy, private therapy, another therapist that comes to her room, medication, every possibly creature comfort imaginable, trips, dinners out, visitations from so many etc etc. She's still so unhappy more often than not.
After spending the past 2+ hours taking her to the doctor today she ends our trip by telling me I am not a lady because I swear from time to time.
She picks fights. Never contend. Miserable. Unhappy for the most part. Whines, moans, and complains no stop! And the crying! OMG the crying! Over nothing!
Overly sensitive on the slightest things! Major melt downs every other week. I love my mom but "this mom" is out of it completely. ..I don't like her much. She doesn't have dementia she's just mean more often now.
She can't let go of stuff either. She is still upset over stuff that happened 25 years ago!
Picks, picks, picks about things that feed her anger! I have to be very honest....I just wish she'd pass on. She's lived a great long life. She's done more things in her life than most people ever will. I lost her twice already. If she could just STOP the negativity and the b^t&h*ng and moaning and just enjoy life I'd visit every day! But she can't.
I adore my father to the point that if she died I'd invite him to live with us. I love him that much! So does my husband.

I am going on medication to help me through this with mom. She's far too taxing on my nerves. Tomorrow she is getting evaluated for her mental health by a doctor.
Any suggestions would be most appreciated!
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Oh my! Please take no offense that an outsider might be tempted to label her as a narcissistic drama queen.......Write a note for the doctor sharing what you just did and ask IN THE NOTE if she could try some antianxiety drugs. Celexa was a miracle for us, but they all work differently on different folks. Hope it goes well.
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It sounds like the move was hard on them. I think they need to socialize, make new friends, etc. My grandma is 96 and in poor health but belongs to a few clubs and they pick the people up for the meetings, luncheon, activities. They might be happier and more accepting of the move if they find ways to become part of the community.
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Hi everyone how do I sign out? The forum has changed a bit since I was last here.
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Ugh I feel ya.

I wonder at what point to replace frustration with compassion that is ceaseless. Not sure if I can?

People keep telling me GET HELP GET HELP but they refuse help and things are spiraling down. I can't force them to do anything and my siblings disagree.

Dad might do and like AL. Mom - no way.

I feel like I miss my parents and yet they are right here.

God I hate this stage.
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