Follow
Share

Mom thinks the world revolves around her wants and needs and no one elses.I have had 3 doctors tell me I have about a year or so.My lungs are giving out and I have too many other serious health challenges for a transplant. I found a lovely Assisted Living Home a friend happens to operate. They have an up comming vacancy. They placed mom at the top of the list. Now she says I am "kicking her to the curb", and being overly melodramatic! I do not have any siblings and my children refuse to have anything to do with her!! What do you advise? I am at my witts end!!

Find Care & Housing
Stick with your plans to move her and focus on your own needs now, no matter how much you give or sacrifice a narcissist will always put themselves first and you are unlikely to ever hear her approval or blessing.
(8)
Report

Hi mvheiner - firstly, I am so very sorry to hear about your health challenges and situation. Your health and wellbeing is first and foremost. Reading your summary really had me thinking more about you than your mother . Actually, your mother is incidental - she's 97 and you took her in to live with your family...and still during your own health crisis, you took the time to find her a "lovely Assisted Loving Home". You truly couldn't have done more for her.

The fact that she responded that "you're kicking her to the curb" and "melodramatic" is deplorable. It's actually terrible. Did you tell her what the doctors told you about your own life?

You shouldn't be at your wits end - I hope you detach from any emotions thru placing your mother in the Assisted Living home - she's fortunate to be going there and you've done everything you could for her ...now it's time for you to focus on yourself. You need to do everything you can to focus on your own mind, body and spirit and there's no more energy to give to her. You can also tell her that you are following your doctor's instructions to direct her to Assisted Living as you try to take care of yourself. Besides, she'll probably really like it there after acclimating there.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going thru and I wish you much peace, continued strength and miracles for healing ~
(6)
Report

You tell her... "Mom this is no longer about you, but for once this is about ME, and the fact that I don't have much longer to live. So if you care about me your daughter at all, then you will gratefully and happily go to this wonderful assisted living facility that I have found for you."

You must now do what is best for you and honestly not give a rats ass about your mother, as you owe her NOTHING!!!
But you do owe yourself peace, rest and no drama for the remainder of your life.
Best wishes in getting her moved sooner than later.
(11)
Report

Your mother will never be happy , appreciative , loving or nice . So just move her as soon as her room is ready .

Spend your time with the people you want to be near .
I wish you peace.
(8)
Report

Let her be melodramatic and proclaim to the whole world that you're kicking her to the curb. Just so long as she goes.

You certainly don't need this nonsense in your condition. Put getting her out of your house in the hands of your children. You don't have to do it.
(7)
Report

Honestly, own being the bad guy. If she thinks you are kicking her to the curb tell her that your poor health makes that necessary.
(7)
Report

Maybe hire an organizer to set up your mother’s room ? There are professional organizers who specialize is downsizing, and moving people to assisted living . Use Mom’s money for it.

Mom will have to deal with this move the way elderly who never had children do. By relying on the staff at the facility as soon as she steps through the door.
(3)
Report

So sorry about this happening to you.
YOU come first now, Mom needs to GO. Your husband (or kids) shouldn't get stuck with her later, either. They will have enough adjusting and grief to deal with.

As Funky said, don't give a rat's ass! Your Mom has had her long and spoiled life, and you owe her nothing. Tell her she's already had a lifetime of everything revolving around her and she will have the same in AL. Get over herself!

Get her AL room booked, and hire and pay for movers out of her money. Make it clear there will be NO EXCEPTIONS. Your Doctors have INSISTED on moving Mom. Tell Mom to save her melodrama, she is totally out of line.

Best of luck in getting her moved pronto.
(2)
Report

"Mother, I've been given ONE year to live. You are NINETY SEVEN yet still feel entitled to guilt trip me about "kicking you to the curb" by sending you to a gorgeous AL after all I've done for you! How absolutely disgusting! You will be moving on X date and please do not speak one more word about this to my melodramatic self in the meantime."

Shame on her. Keep your distance in the meanwhile, and good luck to you!
(14)
Report

Who is a signature on mom’s banking, besides her? I hope that you are and if so, you go and pay for 2 months of this AL out of her account and put like $300 into an on site resident account. So she can use it for incidentals (eg beauty shoppe). Do it this week or next week.
Now if you don’t, go ahead and get all the paperwork from the place and fill it out…. basically read to go with her for a move out.

She has a choice of either
1. to move to the AL with her $ paying for it
OR
2. that you will file a petition to the court to have her become a ward of the state as due to your health cannot be a caregiver or assist her anymore. Your Probate Court should have the paperwork for this online… so you print it up and fill it out so that she realizes it will be filed… that this is real. Only 2 options.

I’ve been an Executor a couple of times and the ward of the State hearings are held in probate court, so I’ve overheard some of these. Families ask for ward of the State to be done for all sorts of solid reasons: they are being deployed; they are parents whose children take precedence; they themselves are too ill to be able to continue to caregive; they are moving out of state and not feasible to move the parent with no other family nearby. The court usually has a list of vetted “ready to go” guardians for this. And they can & will take over completely on all things mom. She will have pretty much have no say if guardian appointed. They determine where she is to move into and as she’s a ward of the State they are 100% in control.

Easy OR Hard, either way she is moving out.

What a harridan. I cannot imagine what your childhood was like. You deserve to finally get your own time without her.
(5)
Report

Tell her you are doing what is best for her. Be blunt and say "I am dying, and I need to know you are set up comfortably in a nice place where all your needs are met. When I am gone, you will have no one and u can't live alone"

Get one of your kids to agree that they will oversee her when ur gone. Meaning they will oversee her finances making sure the bills are paid. That her personal needs are met. Clothing, shoes, depends, toiletries. That when her money runs out, they will see medicaid gets applied for and she is placed in a LTC facility. At that point, they can let the state take over. They don't have to visit her and things can be ordered on the internet or just dropped off.
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter