I have to drive an hour and a half to see her. On back roads since I have a anxiety disorder. And even then I'm afraid of an accident making me detour onto Route 29. As the only way to finish driving there. I bought a GPS but the way I go if there is a detour the only way there might be to beltway or route 29.
I'm completely stressed out by mom now. Won't be driving there till March unless emergency or she goes in the hospital. Since I am afraid of bad weather without warning in winter.
Barbara
Angel
Barbara
The appointment you had to jump through hoops to arrange has now taken place. During that appointment, the PT, who after all had been dealing on the phone with you, made a conversational enquiry to your mother about how often you - the person she had thought to be in charge - were there in the house. Perhaps she had expected to see you there and was surprised, mildly, that you weren't.
So later on, during a different conversation with you that had nothing to do with monitoring your attendance, when you were carrying guilt from your mother's report of that earlier conversation during the PT visit, you spontaneously told the PT that you would visit more often. And the PT said good, because she was thinking in terms of everyday scenarios and everyday relationships - which by the way, in your case you do not have - and generally speaking one likes to think of elders enjoying frequent visits. And that's *all* she meant.
So, but, tell me: did the PT say a solitary critical word to you about your "failure" (only in your eyes!) to visit your mother more frequently? No. I will put money on it that she said no such thing.
Listen. Your *anxiety* tells you that you should be physically present to tend to your mother. But reality should tell you that a) you can't, because your ability to travel is restricted and the distance too great; and b) given your brother lives with your mother; given that all of this blew up *because* the PT was dealing with your mother's pain; and given that your brother is, as you type, supposed to be taking your mother to a related appointment - there is not even any *need* for you to be physically present. Other people are there to help her. Nothing terrible will happen to her just because you can't get there very often.
What you might like to do right now is make yourself a hot drink and sit down with a book or a tv programme you enjoy. Or take a bath. Whatever will help you to switch off and get out of this anxiety tailspin.
You are living with so much FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - that even the most general discussion of your role in your mother's care triggers complete panic. So. Deep breaths, relax, all is well, your mother is in good hands and there is nothing you need to contribute today. Planning journeys to your mother's house is not something you need to do now. Please, at least take this evening off and take care of yourself.
Your brother is on site; that's his responsibility.
I think you have a few choices:
1. Research and locate additional support for your mother while living with your brother.
2. Accept that you don't feel confident in his care and make arrangements for her to live closer to you, with all the responsibility that entails (and that wouldn't be my first recommendation).
3. Come to terms with the situation as it is.
I say this not critically, but you ARE going to become ill over all this stress.
You really have Hadnuff, that can change somehow.
Song: " From a distance, the world looks like your friend...."
I wish you best of luck.
Barbara
'Mom is responsible for the mess she got herself in'.
You cannot be the one to help her because you are ill.
4 hours is a long time to spend! At least that's how it strikes me.
Over the years I've known a few people with anxiety and with panic disorders. One very dear relative is included. It seems that therapy can be VERY helpful, not just for finding the right medicine but also teaching techniques for dealing with the panic when it attacks.
Please, take care of yourself. Do that first. Do that now.
But there's another point that I think might also help you get a new perspective on it. That mess your mother is in… well, how bad is that mess, really? To be honest, it could be a heck of a lot worse.
You may not think much of your brother's caregiving abilities. But he's *there.* If there ever really is a crisis - I won't give examples because you'll only have needless nightmares over them - then he'll deal with it. He may not be energetic or imaginative or inclined to bust a gut over helping her, but he's there. She's not on her own. Many elderly people are, you know. They really are stuck. Your mother has somebody living on the premises - so from that point of view, she's fine.
Then you worry about your mother's pain. She calls you constantly and complains about it. When you suggest possible solutions, though, she doesn't want to follow up on them. What does that tell us?
Firstly, it tells you that the pain - though it's real, and I'm not belittling that because it would get anybody down, poor lady - is not that bad. It's not bad enough for her to want to do anything constructive about it, for example. So you know: it's bad, it's miserable for her, she deserves sympathy - but it's not THAT bad. You are not leaving your mother in agony while you whistle a tune and go on your merry way.
Secondly, it tells you that your mother isn't really interested in your solving her problems. She just wants someone to talk to about them. I wonder: have you ever thought that the reason she goes on and on about them is that it's a habit? That she's got used to talking about this subject, and forgotten the other, perhaps more positive and interesting, things that you and she could discuss?
I'm not suggesting that it isn't very important that your mother does have someone to talk to about the pain she's experiencing and anything else that might be troubling her. What is being forgotten by both of you, though, is that instead of sharing her trouble she's just passing it on to you. What do you suppose happens when you finish a phone call? My guess is that she goes back to whatever she keeps busy with and forgets all about the conversation, while you're left in a little puddle of guilt and anxiety for hours afterwards. That's not sharing, that's passing the buck.
So sympathise with her, ask if there is anything she would like you to do, make a note of anything you can do, explain why if it's something you can't do; but then, crucially, move the conversation along. And afterwards what you need to repeat to yourself is that mother is doing okay. Not perfect - whose life is? - but okay.
There is nothing in her life that will be improved by your being ill with worry. Doesn't help her, very bad for you. Focus on *what helps.*
How is this helping either you or her?
My brother is actually helping mom a little now. Help her get dressed in morning and get robe on at night. He has always fixed stuff around house and takes her to doctor appointments.
But worrying about her safety as well as everything else has got to be a huge burden to you. I am so sorry. Hugs.
APS was called a few years ago. That doesn't mean that they can't be called again, if anything suspicious happens. Tell the laundry lady to report anything else like this to you, and then you call APS. Physical abuse of your mother is perhaps worth persuading your husband or a friend to drive you there. This must be stopped.
Maybe it has stopped. Maybe brother has settled down and is more helpful now. I'm willing to bet that he loves her, but he is mentally ill. If he can't/won't control his anger he is not a suitable house mate for her.
I've advised you to detach from her day-to-day care, and my advice still stands. But seeing that she has protection from a mentally ill son who can't control his anger is in a different category, I think. Don't take it on yourself. Don't try to heal or control your brother. But do put it in official hands if needed.
Again, hugs. This must be so painful for you.