This article from yesterday's Washington Post post should horrify all of the caregivers out there who postpone living their lives to care for aging parents.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2023/08/18/elizabeth-francis-houston-centenarian-birthday/
This is a 114 year old woman living with her 94 year old daughter and they're both cared for by a 68 year old granddaughter. The article celebrates the family and her accomplishment to reach 114 but we all know that the days for that granddaughter are endless and he's never going to get her life back.
So, when you are wondering if you should bring a parent to live with you, or you live with them because this is only going to be a few years please realize that those years can go on a very long, long time. It's best to get them settled into a situation where you can enjoy those years with them while someone else is doing the caregiving. When I finally got my dad to assisted living at age 97 we all thought it was just for a couple of years. His 102nd birthday is this week and he's in better health than me.
You are correct. I have along experience in homecare. I would go as far as to say I am an expert in it. That is why I went into the business of it.
I'm not all that worried about earning much more or much less in a new career field. Business is good and my old man certainly does well.
There are pros and cons to being a professional caregiver the same as there are for any job.
I never thought of it as a "calling". I never thought of the work itself as "rewarding" either. That's what homecare agencies try to sell potential employees when the pay is lousy.
There's nothing rewarding about scaping crap off an ancient can. Or any for that matter.
This being said, I was good in the field is because I've always had an excellent work ethic.
As for my in-laws or any other aging relative on my side or my man's. They are out of luck if they think I'll be taking on their care needs personally. I'll set them up with good caregivers. I'll advocate if they go into facility care. I will not allow anyone to be moved into my house. Nor will I relocate to provide caregiving. There's no way in h*ll either of these things is happening.
@JoAnn
I think that after 25 years of wiping can, diaper changing, incontinence, bathing, feeding, heavy lifting, agitation, panicking over nothing, histrionics, instigating, dementia, spending hours at a time in filthy, hoarded houses, being accused of every hellish crime a mind can think of, having to chase down my pay, dealing with families who expect a slave to work for all of them along with meeting every single possible need their precious, eldery "loved one" has, and listening to someone repeating themselves continually all day and every day;
I have earned the right to call it a day.
I will not take care of another elderly person again ever. For any reason.
Yet, I'm still an expert in this field and my caregiver are well trained, have plenty of support, and are looked after by me personally.
Sure, I've had to fill in here and there with a client and that's not a problem. Filling in once in a while isn't the same as workig in it day in and day out.
It really doesn't matter if I "like" elderly people or not. I like money. I like having an excellent work ethic. I like running a good business.
It doesn’t really end. If you get married, grow old together, you’ll be caring for her and vice versa, she for you.
I feel like I'm twice my age when it comes to being forced to take care of one parent and losing the other and dealing with estate-related matters and claiming possessions I want to have.
Even though she's more 91 than 71 regarding physical abilities, I can legitimately see her living for another 25-30 years. My grandmother turned 95 earlier this year and my great-grandmother died at 94.
Then again, at the time my dad passed, I thought I would have 15-20 more years with him. You never truly know when loved ones pass away.
BurntCaregiver:
I'm in the same boat. Once I don't have to help my mom out anymore, whether it be through positive or negative circumstances, I'm not doing any caregiving duties for anyone ever again. Relatives, in-laws if I ever get married, friends, and family friends are all out of luck.
I know. But we all must make a living. As I said, sometimes you’ll earn much less if you suddenly enter a job in a different field. There are financial, and other advantages, when you set up your own business.
“She doesn’t seem like she likes the population.”
I don’t think so. You can be burnt out and not dislike every elderly person. I think Burnt, just like all of us, doesn’t like “senior brats”.
I think Burnt, just like all of us, likes nice people, whether they’re young or older.
I know agencies where the owner will have to do hands-on if there’s a no show, but in reality it never happens, because the owner has many back-up caregivers.
Bc just said she would never take care of a needy elderly again, but has placed herself in the position where it will personally happen.
She doesn’t seem like she likes the population.
“One friend told me, “If I tell you that I want to get married again, please shoot me!””
Haha 🙂
BIL has a MUCH better way of keeping boundaries. He also hasn't lived anywhere near family until 2 years ago. So he isn't 'enmeshed' the way DH is.
He's also a psychologist and can look at situations and be calm and thoughtful. DH just does whatever YS tells him to do.
And, yeah, MIL's gonna live a lot longer. If someone had told me this could go on like this for a year--I would have disagreed--but I am sure now that it's going to.
I certainly have known more widows than widowers!
The widowers that I have known have remarried in about six months.
The widows that I have known have remained single. One friend told me, “If I tell you that I want to get married again, please shoot me!” Another one said, “Once around the track was enough for me!”
And god forbid she lives until 99 years old can you imagine. It can happen though if they want it bad enough. My husbands grandmother wanted to die on an even year and so when she turned 89 and was still alive she said she would have to wait until she turned 90 to die. And on her 90th birthday she woke up pissed off that she was still alive. She died 2 days later and got her even year death.
MIL's 'imminent death' dxed back in Feb. has now stretched into nearly September, pretty much ruining the summer for a lot of people.
DH was forced into earlier retirement than he wanted to take to help out with MIL who is in home Hospice. We cancelled a trip to Europe b/c of her.
And doing pretty well. Because she is front and center of so many people's lives. She's miserable and nasty and nobody wants to be near her, but she gets what she demands--and ASAP when a new 'need' crops up.
This dynamic will never change. I think she is so stubborn she will live to 99 (as she states she's going to-and she's only 93 now)--just to prove a point.
Where is the 'upside' of all that? That you can live forever if enough people are propping you up?? I'm growing very bitter about this situation, my DH is completely unavailable to me. IDK if we will ever recover from the many arguments we've had over the amount of time he's spent caring for his mom, when if she had been placed in a NH months ago---we wouldn't be making every single plan based on her care, first.
I'm to the point where I truly believe she will live forever, and in 5 years DH will still be crawling up to her house 3-4 times a week. Of course that flies in the face of reality--but still. She occupies so much space in our heads.
We are ALL exhausted.
I see, yes, but still, women tend to be healthier. It’s not just the age gap.
“We never know our future.”
Absolutely. But we can sometimes guess pretty well. In 99% of the cases, it’s the wives taking care of husbands. There’s always the 1% exception.
I hope things work out for all of us on the forum.
It does seem like women outlive men most of the time.
My husband is only about six months older.
One of my friends (married three times) decided to marry a younger man (7years younger) and he died first.
We never know our future.
Of course your husband also doesn’t want to see you die. It’s in many ways unfair, because in 99% of the cases, it’s the wife taking care of the husband, because very often there’s an age gap, the husband is older. Then when the wife gets sick, there’s no one left to care for her, apart from the children or a facility.
Thank you 😊.
Yes, it’s true that often we end up being a caregiver for our spouse. I hope that doesn’t happen. I don’t know if I could bear it.
It broke my heart seeing him go through radiation treatments for prostate cancer. Thank God, he caught it early.
We have both discussed if one of us becomes too much to handle that we would rather go into a facility rather than to burden the other.
I do hope that I die first. I don’t want to see him die.
”Usually people do not open small businesses in the business of doing things that they want nothing to do with personally.”
But if that’s the only field where you have a lot of experience…
You know, it’s not easy to totally change jobs into another field. And if you do, you might earn very little. Also, I can see how owning your own business can be rewarding financially and in other ways.
“It is the nature of small business that the owner will have to do hands on to keep contracts when an employee is sick or quits.”
I know. For sure Burnt knows that as well.
Also, in the world of cancer, it's a similar story. Today, stage 4 cancer patients live longer, but like many of the elderly, the quality of life is quite diminished. Cancer is a long painful journey for patient and family. The patients are told that how much treatment they can receive depends upon their tolerance. In my opinion, tolerance means if they keep going back for more treatment, they will be happy to give them more treatment. Tolerance has nothing to do with quality of life. One thing that hasn't changed in the cancer world is the old saying, "if the cancer doesn't kill you the treatment will".
Usually people do not open small businesses in the business of doing things that they want nothing to do with personally.
It is the nature of small business that the owner will have to do hands on to keep contracts when an employee is sick or quits.
But often one ends up doing it again, for the spouse.
I don’t think it’s harder. Caring for a parent can sometimes lead to anger and resentment, when the parent made no plans. Problems are dumped on you (the adult child), and they never should have been dumped on you. Sometimes: suddenly you’re caring for their finances, health and all other problems. Often you never expected all this to be dumped on you. Often, you knew nothing about their finances and options, until this moment.
Caring for a spouse:
You married and made a decision to care for each other. You know you’ll both get elderly one day. You have years to plan together.
As for love:
You can love your parent as much as you love your spouse. You can be stressed just as much, about your parent’s health, and your spouse’s health.
Exactly how I feel. I never comment on posts from people in that situation, because I know nothing about that. It must be so much harder.
Because she has a lot of experience and it’s a way to make money?
As an owner of a small homecare agency, odds are that you will have to fill in sometimes when your employees sick out, or lose a contract as there was no one there for the elder. That’s the economic. And then there’s the social aspect.
I understand how you’re burned out on old people, so why are you dedicating your livelihood and business toward them?
I hope so! But very often the woman will have to do it again for her husband, whether at home, or advocating in a facility. Very often the woman is younger, the husband gets sick, older, first.
I have paid my caregiver dues and then some. My caregiver days are gone forever! I don’t ever want to be in that position again.
I sincerely hope that I die before my husband does because I don’t think I could bear seeing my husband endlessly suffer. That would kill me.
I don’t know how caregivers emotionally deal with caring for a spouse full time. I imagine that is so much harder than caring for a parent.
Caring for a child and watching them die would destroy me too. All caregiving is hard!
I'd love to know the details about this arrangement.
PeggySue, thanks for the link to the archive version of the article!
Stick a fork in me because I'm done. I will NEVER take care of another needy, elderly person.