I'm not the typical "New Year's Resolutions" kind of person. I kind of go through life trying to roll with the punches and trying (unsuccessfully) to make other people's lives better.
A long year with too much giving, both emotional and monetary—to too many people, and a blowout with my MIL have left me reeling this holiday season.
Lost a good friend over my being blind to her ability to use people and then discard them when they no longer serve a purpose. Lost $4000 on trying to help her, financially, b/c she needed help paying for storage/moving pods. For 3 months, I was there EVERY SINGLE day for 6-10 hrs, cleaning and packing.....and in the end, I come home from a short trip to the PNW and find out she's not moving. She unpacks the pods and of course, she's still CHARGED for them...and no sale of her home with which to pay me back.
And she's mad at ME.
MIL thing is simply 43 years of ongoing hatred on her part. DH has begged me on his knees to PLEASE go with him to visit her, he hates going to see her alone--last visit she was so unbelievably mean to me--right in front of DH (who is quite deaf, and clueless)..when she realized he wasn't going to say a word in my defense, she doubled down and dragged some garbage up from 30-35 years ago--finally I just stood up and asked DH to please unlock the car. I went out and sat in it and waited for him.
About 10 minutes he comes out and says "I hate taking you to visit mom, it's like sitting on a powderkeg". Well, I didn't WANT to go, I was stuck in the middle of errand running.
All I did was look at him and say "Listen to me: I am NEVER and I mean NEVER make and attempt to see your mother again in my life. If you had been listening you would UNDERSTAND". Oh he had been listening and just was so glad she wasn't ragging on him, he just let her go.
My therapist said that my going to MIL's with hubby is like being cannon fodder--or the first line of defense. She shoots me b/c she can.
And oh yes, my gosh, it IS VERY personal.
I don't have time or energy for people who suck the life out of me.
And I will continue to be kind and loving to everyone--but there's a limit. I cannot handle the anger that comes from the toxic folk--we all have them i our lives. I'm just not going to be so all encompassingly "nice" anymore.
It will be a challenge, but I know I can do it. And do it w/o making myself feel guilty.
Anybody else out there feeling they've given about 10xs too much this year--and years' previous??
Putting this in "burnout" b/c I think this is what it is.
Take care of yourself for 2019.
Jane
Good luck in your resolve. Maybe next Christmas Hubby could ask Santa to leave him “a set”. Gift-wrapped, of course.
MIL...been there but she never said anything in front of her son. I would visit on my own in the beginning. My DHs Aunt is also my GFs mother. My MIL would tell Aunts sister something I said. Sister would ask Aunt if its true, Aunt would side with me because she knew me. MIL would take things I said and twist them around making me look like the bad guy. She would also tell my DH who would ask if thats whay I said. It would piss me off until I realized that he was looking for the truth. He never admitted it, would just say "Mom exagerrates". Really, she had a Mental problem and her sister said since they were children. She would make up stories and believe them. She was also passive agressive. Tell you she would get you this or that and when I'd say I really didn't want or need it, she'd buy it anyway and get upset if you didn't like it. But, it was OK if she didn't like what u gave her. No, she wiuldn't tell you, she would just give it away. I ended up just giving her money for special occasions.
I also have a deaf husband that doesn't hear everything. I asked my MIL 2x not to give my daughter candy, she chose not to hear me. I had to raise my voice to be heard. Later I was told he didn't like that I raised my voice to his Mom. I told him I had asked her 2x not to give candy to my daughter and she ignored me so I raised my voice to be heard. He didn't hear the first 2x. I chose not to go to my MILs without my husband. I am with you to stay away from yours. Husband should have stood up to her long ago when it came to you. Thats one thing I am sure of, that DH would stand up for me because he did it.
Continue to be a kind person, that's who you r. Just know when boundries are needed.
One thing I've learned, there is no harm in pausing to contemplate something you might wish to assist someone with.
An answer of "let me give that some thought" ... buys you time to weigh the pros and cons of being, in the end, used by someone. And if you take the time to think it over 1st .. you might come to the conclusion there are far too many cons and decline, for your own good.
Cheers to you for having the self awareness to tackle learning a different way to do things and looking out for you 1st.
Some people... They really truly just don't want to be helped. It's really sad but I've come to understand that she is just so enthralled with her son, she can't see how toxic and damaging he is.
It'sheartbreaking to watch her each month sink further and further into complete financial ruin. Oh, she also has her son's three children I'm sure she is raising, with no legal paperwork to back her up. So Sonny boy doesn't even pay child support. I feel terrible for her but I also know I can't be involved with her. It's like watching the Titanic go down.
I do need constant reminders to "stick to my guns"....and I will do so.
Funny thing--yesterday we ran grocery shopping--I had to take DH as I am in a knee high boot for a broken foot (I broke it 14 months ago and simply haven't had time to take care of ME...anyway, it's uncomfortable and I'm not real stable on it, so I made DH go with me). We got the few things we needed, and as we're leaving, I remembered that this "friend" is really sick with bronchitis. I grabbed 2 big containers of hot soup, a package of rolls and big container of cookies and had DH drop it off at her house. (I'm not made of stone). No response from her, and I didn't/don't expect one.
But I was showing myself that I CAN set a boundary and keep it. DH took the food in, normally I would have, and probably stayed and cleaned her kitchen and done a load of laundry...just sayin'.
And my other bugaboo---the MIL--we visited with my SIL yesterday for quite a while and SHE apologized for how MIL spoke to me a few weeks ago. DH (who is, for all intents, 80% deaf)has held fast to the belief that his mother doesn't treat me poorly. His sister set him straight--actually said "B, don't you HEAR what Mom says to "E"? She's so mean. It's horrible."
I didn't have to say a word. SIL was so mortified, but she can't change her mother, and DH won't say one word to her, in my defense. I was very happy that SIL said something about the treatment I get. Makes my decision to never see my MIL again a very good choice.
Other than having to wear this stupid boot for 6+ weeks and then I'm pretty sure we'll looking at pretty major surgery....I'm going to work harder on doing what I can for those I WANT to help and not taking their problems on me.
As I said--I don't really do "resolutions"...I'm just going to work harder to not let toxic people in my space.
BTW--my YB has that wit that makes an insult seem like a lovely compliment. I do not have that. It's a gift, for sure.
You know to start backing away from people who have no concern for you and your circumstances. Last year I divorced my husband of 20 years because he decided what he wanted was the only thing important. I'm better off alone (though we do support each other). Six months ago I went no-contact to my 3 narcissistic backstabbing sisters after Mom passed in the April. Essentially I've lost my entire family. But I'm good with that. Mentally and emotionally I'm so much happier and freer.
Life's too short to allow others to mess us over just because they can. Jettison them. Good luck to you and may 2019 be happy for you. Your AC friends have your back!
The irony that he almost "left me" is NOT lost on me.
I don't/didn't want a divorce. I want him to wake up and engage with me and be a couple--but as long as he lets his severe hearing loss & chronic depression go w/o treatment, the less empathetic I am to him.
The HA's didn't really change him at all. He watches what he eats, but he doesn't exercise and does nothing around the house to help me.
I unpacked the bag---a few moths post H/A, but it could be repacked. He's not toxic, he's completely clueless.
2019 will hopefully bring a more independent streak in me. I already have stopped fussing him about being compliant with his treatments, and don't walk on tenterhooks around him. He KNOWS I am out--totally OUT as regards his mother. And I don't CARE if this upsets him.
I went no-contact with a brother last January. Have not spoken to him since Jan 3. Don't plan to this year either. And you know what? It's FINE. Better than fine---it's quite joyous, knowing I don't have to engage with another toxic person.
We can be kind and loving and giving people--but we do NOT have to suffer abuse at the hands of those we nurture/care for. My friend showed her true colors when I was of no use to her and I sadly realize she never really cared about me, although I truly DID care about her.
Sick today and not watching our big college football game. Been in bed all day, coughing my lungs out. I was caught by "the bug" that has been going around.
Ah well!
A blessed and better 2019 to all of us!
I take a lot of abuse from my mother, but she has dementia & don’t remember what she said 5 minutes later. She is 91 1/2 & I take care of her at home along with paid private caregiver. I do the best I can. She was a very good mother & always did for everyone else. I miss my “real” mother terribly. It’s an insidious disease. This morning I came over to her & asked her to take a drink...& she said that it’s poison.
Its a a new year. Only we can make changes if we want to.
Hugs🤗
The other Friend #2 cared for her mom by hiring help to come into her mom's house 24/7 round the clock while she built her dream house across the country. Once in that dream house I got looks of disgust at my home when she visited. My home was spotless and well decorated, but needed updating. The bragging from this "friend" about her "living in the best place on Earth and everyone else's home and town is cr*% has created anger issues in me. What have I worked for my whole life if all is bad?! So yes, I understand where you are coming from and need to try myself to cut the cords! I wish you strength in the New Year!
Now everyone has moved on, my husband broke my heart and moved in with his rich mother, and his just happy go lucky man living in the mountains and acts as if nothing ever happened, and we were married for 10 years. I'm heart broken and disappointed in people!
Now, I'm left to raise my 8 year old gran-daughter, because my daughter decided it was ok to have a baby out of wedlock and the father is no where to be found and she hasn't grown up yet. hmmmm?? And my 86 year old mother, who was dropped off at my house because none of my brother's wanted to take responsibility and help out even though my plate was already full. They rather party, travel and spend, spend and spend money like there's no tomorrow.
My mother's health has declined just in the last few days due to dementia. She now poops in trash cans and urinates on the floor even with a diaper on. I went to bed last night at 4 am and it wasn't a new years eve party, but cleaning poop and urine off the floor. I'm starting to feel burned out and depressed. I have no one to talk to.
And to top it off, right at this very moment, I'm couphing my brains out with an upper respiratory infection and flu like symptoms from the heavy chem trails spraying we got 2 weeks ago. No sun, all rain and no fun here in GA.
They will be the loosers!
So I empathize and sympathize with what you're facing.
Hubby and I discovered we had put ourselves into a similar situation. We were out of town and away from the folks we were helping when we realized how depleted we were. The hard part is not wanting to become mean, needy, uncaring, etc. while drawing the necessary lines dealing with folks in need of our support.
take care of yourself
Also--was up this am at 12:45 to "mark" the anniversary of the passing of my sweet dad. 15 years. Seems like yesterday. Miss him all the time, but I feel his presence a lot--it isn't a 'sad hurt'.
This time of year--well we DO feel inclined to think we need to revamp our lives from a-z...and really, nothing changes except my medical co-pays start up again and it's really cold here. I do get organized every year, start fresh with notebooks, etc where I keep track of finances, investments, health information and now a new folder that is ideas for the 'retirement' home we'll be remodeling/planning on for next year.
I'm probably looking down the barrel of a fairly complex foot surgery, but this is necessary as I broke my foot 15 months ago and didn't deal with it. Yup, been walking on a busted foot for 15 months b/c I wouldn't take the time to really find out what was wrong with it.
That--my friends--was part of the tipping scale for me. Along with the leeching friend, the holidays in general, MIL's blowout and my kids lack of "gratitude" for the Christmas I gave them--sheesh, I gave up. (In fairness to the kids, they are all well off and needed nothing and I gave them all something they didn't like nor need--I also decided that this year (2019) they will get an honor card from my favorite charity. This year the grands will get ONE gift and their usual stocking stuffers.) I'm already planning Christmas and it's 51 weeks away :)
I have NEVER EVER EVER put myself first. NEVER. I am working on this in therapy and I tell you, it's slooooooow going. It's like I am changing my core being.
Of course I will still step in and step up when needed. But at MY choice and decision and NEVER again in the manner I used to.
I am sad/glad that I let my hair down for a minute and wrote this post. I think a lot of us need the "permission" to not be perfect.
Truth is, we are still doing a heck of a lot for others, right? And that's OK as long as we're not expecting any reward or thanks-that's it's truly and simply service--and not enabling.
Good luck to all of us!