When she first came here 5 yrs ago after surgery, she lived with us first, then sr housing with a lot of support from me, then fell and ended up in assisted living a yr ago. She recently turned 80. She has had a few falls recently, and this last one resulted in a significant wound. Her heart, lungs are good and she may be with us for quite a long stretch yet. She is fully incontinent and loaded with rheumatoid and osteoarthritis and these are the things that really limit her. She is minimally ambulatory now, needs someone with her to walk safely with her walker for short distances. She has 3 children, two out of state and my husband. He has zero patience for her at this point....she has lost her sense of time really, and tends to call often. Her anxiety is also a bit increased lately. She responds well to reassurance and tlc. I am back to spending time there daily with her and I do not mind doing this. When she called this morning because she was wondering if I was on my way yet ( I had spoken to her about an hour prior) my husband answered the phone and was very annoyed with her for calling. He said that she needed to chill out, that she seems to have nothing better to do than worry about herself and that she is one step away from having to go to a nursing home if she doesn't stop calling staff so much (this is true, but my increased time there and some private cg starting next week should do the trick). I decided that if he and his siblings really can't commit to caring for her then I just need him to let me do her care, without complaining about it. Her daughter calls every so often and visits for an afternoon every few months (she lives a couple hours away) and her other son way out of state visits once a year, calls once a week or so. It really saddens me how little attention she receives from her own kids. I just want them to leave me to it at this point.
I have instructed her to call just my cell phone, not the house phone here or my husband's cell phone, to avoid further confrontations.
Anyone have experiences like this? If it was my own mom I can't imagine letting my spouse care for her and me checking out. It's really sad! and I really am turned off by my husband's attitude.
What has his relationship with his mother been like over the years?
Do you think he might be feeling depressed over his mother's health situation?
Have you been able to talk with your husband about why he is so impatient with his mother?
It sounds to me like some heart to heart conversation about what is going on inside of him in response to this situation needs to be talked about.
I wish you the best in dealing with this. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going on.
His feeling ok with being "let off the hook" sounds like he has more of an "emotional cut" off relationship with his mother which is not a healthy version of detachment.
Maybe his dad being a very difficult person impacted his struggle with being more tolerance with frustration. It's good that with age that their relationship improved.
I hope that whatever is at the heart of his feeling ok with being let off the hook with his mother would find the healing that it needs. That kind of situation with such a primary relationship between parent and child does tend to impact other adult relationships without resolution. Your description does make me wonder where the his siblings may be in their sense of connectedness with their mom which would impact their ability to understand her increasing needs as she ages.
Take care of yourself while you care for your MIL's increasing health needs as the more emotionally connected and understand person in the equation.
Love, prayers and hugs!
Sorry to hear that the daughter is more of a "fix it person." It's good to hear that the oldest son is far more empathetic. A very interesting family system dynamic indeed.
Is your husband cranky because he wants you to be around more? Is mom anxious and in need of some meds for this? Just some questions to chew on.
Boy it's tough to get old for some folks.
My grandma is 98 and physically agile (memory's going though, in the last year). When I used to take MIL to my family's with me, my grandma would be rushing in to try and help MIL out of a chair, etc despite being nearly 20 yrs older. The contrast is remarkable.