A general comment for those trying to understand why their parents are being so stubborn and difficult and not accepting help when it's obvious they need it (and then, begrudgingly it must be YOU, not someone from the outside!)
This is the generation that 'saved the world in WWII' and they do not expect or want others to care for them in their old age. To a fault; they all thought they would take care of themselves; then one day; fall asleep and die. Never in a million years did they expect to need help with shopping, laundry, driving; have to use canes/walkers (absolutely not - someone might see me and think I'm old!)
They are fiercely independent; and fear that someone will see them as old and unable to care for themselves. When they realize they need help; they will ask a family member 'when you come for a visit; could you bring me some toilet paper; I'm almost out and don't want to run to the store for one thing?'. This becomes their 'go-to' method to getting the shopping/driving help without directly asking for it.
After a while; they may 'relent' and ask you to help them with laundry. The list gets bigger; and you finally realize you are not 'visiting' you are 'caregiving'. This is more than they can bear; but it's better than letting the world know they need help. They don't trust outsiders; they insist they don't want to lock up all their valuables every time someone comes to help. Once they fall a few times (hopefully not seriously); they may grudgingly use a cane (around the house, but not in public - 'just hold my arm; we aren't going that far and I will be fine.'); and perhaps later a walker. After a time; and if pressed; they may agree to go to 'assisted living'. Again, they will resist extra help; 'I take my meds on time/correctly; I don't need help (even though they ask you to fill their pill boxes weekly because they can't see to do it). When you explain you find the wrong meds in the wrong bottles; and pills not taken every day; they insist they made 'one mistake' and they take them out of order. Very hard to tell them you will not fill their pills any longer and will be very sad/angry when they get sick because they dosed wrong; but that is what it takes to get them on med mgmt. and other help.
All that to say; none of us know how hard it is to get old (yet). Because we will be there someday; let's all agree to give our parents the grace and dignity to age safely and well loved. Talk to your parents; ask them about their fears and how it feels to be this old. Talk to your kids; tell them how you feel about aging and help them navigate this with you as you age. Give one another grace.
I was never around "elderly" people who needed care, so I was lost on what to do once my parents started to need help. But by then I was a senior myself. I had a hard time convincing my Dad that I could no longer go to Home Depot and get 30 bags of mulch to place around the yard.
I think my generation, I am in my 70's, maybe easier, I hope. As we are familiar with how nice senior facilities are now a days, they are like hotels. Much easier to get us into one :) Not afraid to use canes or walkers, I hope. Modern meds, etc.
Now these same Aunts are 100 and 103 and wanting to stay in their home with family as caregivers. I can't understand how they could perpetrate the same onerous arrangement when they themselves struggled through it. I'm their PoA, and also my 93-yur old Mom's (I'm an only child) -- so I have 3 mothers to manage. This same cousing is still willing to help them financially, but it's the assuming that I find incredible. I've told my Mom and my Aunts that I'll keep them in their home as long as it's safe and affordable and and not onerous for me.
My husband and I finally created a trust so that we can't waste our own money from scamming or demented spending. We want there to be funds for our sons to transition us into a facility and not have to do hands-on caregiving. Hopefully we will make the decision to transition ourselves before it is required in a crisis. Our sons know we feel this way and they know we don't want them to ever feel guilty about having to do this. They have a front-row seat to aging since my Mom still lives next door to me and local to them. They also went through it with their other Grandma, who is now in a facility 3 miles from us. They also went through it with their step-Grandpa who was a narcissistic jerk who blew his and everyone's money are forced us to allow the county to get guardianship of him. He died in a crappy county Medicaid facility. So, my sons have seen a variety of the aging spectrum.
FYI "stubbornness" in any very elderly LO is often the early symptom of dementia.
My Mother and MIL didn't fight in any wars. Yes, they lived through the depression and that was no doubt, hard and challenging. BUT--every generation has SOMETHING or MANY THINGS that they have to deal with.
My generation were hippies, anti-war protesters, all that stuff. It was no walk in the park. Racism, integration and bigotry abounded. I remember my parents NOT selling their 'starter home' to a black family because it would have caused EVERYONE'S property values to fall. WTH? I was only 8 at the time and that made absolutely NO SENSE to me whatsoever. My mom and MIL are both raging bigots--I have to tell mom to please, SHUT UP about things. My MIL lives in dread of the lesbians across the street b/c they "recruit". (Yeah, they want a 92 angry woman in their ranks. It's humiliating and I have apologized to these women so many times--)
Every generation has it's problems. We keep repeating the same stupid things over and over.
Both these women (mom and MIL) are self entitled and impossible to talk to. It's not dementia and it's not new. If they are representatives of the 'Greatest Generation' well, that's just sad.
Every 'generation' has the opportunity to be better than the last one. Sadly, we do not seem to learn this lesson.
Luckily I know quite a few older folks who are wonderful, charming and grateful for their spot here on earth. And I know A LOT of people my generation who are wonderful. It gives me hope, when all seems hopeless.
We cannot paint one generation with a wide paintbrush. Hopefully, we learn from the faults of our elders, although, somedays? IDK.
Our parents generation was the first one to be surprised, and we are the last to respond en masse.
Well this had me laughing 😂😂😭😭
I see this EVERYWHERE.. my family, in-laws, work clients, the super old guy who hit me with his cane on a train when I offered him a seat! (I got up anyway & left him standing, hanging on for dear life until he finally caved & sat).
I worked with a woman many years ago that was a child during the great depression and she wasn't the least bit entitled or thought her children should prop her up. The stories she shared make me so grateful for what I have and they made me realize things shouldn't be disposable. Remake, reuse, repurpose has helped me have financial independence for decades and unless the government robs retirements, for the rest of my life.
They are dependent on SS and small pensions, most did little financial planning, they thought that if they sold their home that those proceeds along with SS & pension they could live the good life forever.
Well, the breadwinner dies, now the SAHM loses her SS, gets his and 1/2 of his pension, she is now 80 with no skills, bad health and has no money. So now her children should take care of her, financially, emotionally, physically.
My mother is 97, many are living into their 90's, they never took long term care of their parents or children for that matter. You as a child became of age, out the door you go, there was no revolving door, we baby Boomers started all that nonsense, along with the children's entitlement mindset.
If they were the "Greatest Generation" then I do not want to live long enough to see the "Worst Generation".