Overwhelmed! Most days I'm in tears of frustration.

I'm so sorry you moved in with him! Did your brothers bully you into it? How soon can you move out? Are there economic reasons for staying? Can he afford assisted living? Get out now because it will only get worse, and you will lose income because his needs will prevent you from getting anything done.
Hugs!

I think it's often a mistake to move into the parent's home, especially a father's. It's their house, and they think they can still make all the rules. And they don't respect daughters.

You are so right. Im in tears as I type this because Ive reached my breaking point. While my brother was here helping my Dad,my father listened. My brother laid out a plan for how the household was to operate once he went back to his home out of state. He told our father dont get up early and come downstairs, rest in your room until 10am..no need to get so early. He told how the home health attendant and I would handle the shopping. I am responsible for paying the bills etc. My father obliged as long as my brother was here. This house was silent until 10am. At times I felt it was too quiet. The moment my brother left everything changed !!! Our home health attendant was a live in .She could not stand dealing with my fathers arguing and insisting on having things his way all the time so she reduced her time to only working during my work hours. The problem with that is, she uses the fact that I live here as a reason to leave early etc. I feel like I do nothing but work I get up early to give Dad his meds...He is then up before 7am. I have to get my kids ready for school, once I take them to school, he goes through everyone's room claiming to be looking for something. No matter how many times we tell him when his home health aide is coming, he asks when she is coming and does she know what he wants for breakfast...By the time I drop the kids off, I have to make sure everything is in order before the HHA arrives or I have to deal with her attitude. I go downstairs to my home office by 9 I dont work uninterrupted because Dad always needs SOMETHING from me. Once the HHA leaves, I have to make sure to keep an eye on my father. I feel like I have four children. Between his need for attention and at the same time always telling me what to do as far as the house is concerned (turn off the lights..lock the doors.Who is in the kitchen..What was that noise...) I am responsible for handling paying his bills, scheduling repairs, etc. He asks for work to be done on the house then complains that people are cheating him because he didnt listen to what they said !!!!
Dad doesnt like the weekend HHA so they argue all the time. Yet we are stuck with her because I need to have time to get out. We wound up moving in because the apartment we were renting was taken over by a management company and everyone had to leave..so my family felt that it all fell into place "perfectly". I find myself complaining every day. I dont like being like this at all.

Let them know you're moving out in 2 months, and find a new place. Before long, you will find that you have been stuck for years, you are poorer and sicker, your kids don't like to be around the house, and you dislike your father and brothers. Get out ASAP.

Is the caregiver from an agency? You REALLY don't need attitude. Everyone has quirks that we may have to adjust to, but giving you attitude is not in her job description.

She is not from an agency. She was referred to us by a family friend. Add that to the mix of personalities I have to deal with. Everything is fine until I have the nerve to tell her how I want things done. Once I do that, she has a major attitude. This is not a healthy situation. You are right again. My children already dislike being here but my family thinks because this home is bigger and in a better neighbborhood, I should put up with the nonsense. Im sure my siblings are tired of, my daily email rants...However its the only way to keep from going completely insane. Its like running a company only I dont get paid or respected. My siblings hired the HHA yet Im the only one dealing with the day to day. Sure they will call and visit from time to time..But they at least have distance. I feel trapped. I threaten to move out every week but they dont take me seriously. I would rather pay rent and have peace of mind then to live rent free and deal with this nonsense every day.

Never threaten do it. Find a nice apartment and move your stuff in. Continue to stay in the house for a couple of weeks but give notice to your siblings that you quit on a certain date and walk out. Find another HHA, she does NOT give you attitude and she does not slip out stealing time you are paying for. Going through yours and your kids space stops right now, PUT LOCKS ON THE DOORS Was there a written agreement ? with dad and your siblings
I realize you don't want tface this but it's time to sh*t or get off the potty

Veronica is right on as usual,

LOCKS on the doors immediately

New HHA who works there was you want it takes direction from you immediately

Look for a place and have it all set up, then offer to your father that you will move unless certain requirements are met

You have all been helpful. Thank you. Its funny because you all see things the way I do, but my family is oblivious. They see it as oh well its Dad's house so he can snoop through everything. I have told my family Im looking for another apartment. I dont even think i can last another couple of weeks because every day is a HUGE argument. My father may be 87 but he can still yell at the top of his lungs. Ive thought about putting locks on the doors, however that would be seen as disrespectful to Dad's house. "We dont lock doors in this house.." Its bad enough that I will close the girls bedroom door and I will find it open minutes later. Thank you all again for your advice. This is the first time Im writing about it on a forum. You have given me alot of insight.

The role reversal, where a child is taking care of the parent, is very difficult for some people to master. Your brother was able to take it on (at least for a short time), set up the rules, and have Dad respect them.

That you can't bring yourself to "disrespect Dad's house" even for the sake of your own children's privacy is one indication that taking on a parental role with your father is too much for you. You are not his servant. You are not even his minor-age child who must obey him. But that is the role you seem stuck in.

You need a quiet place to earn your living. Your children need to see you as an adult and in-charge. You all need your privacy. Moving in was a mistake. You gave it your best shot but it isn't working out. Time to make other arrangements.

Good luck finding a suitable apartment!

Jeanne. you are so right. You have given me valuable input. When I address his going into the children's room his response is : THIS IS MY HOUSE !!! He reminds everyone of that fact every day. He sits on the couch all day monitoring who goes into the kitchen. When you sit down to address issues with him, He shouts : HOLD IT HOLD IT WHO IS THE OLDEST HERE ??? Bottom line is it is not working out. I do need a quiet place and my sanity. Whenever he talks to me he shouts claiming its his hearing problem...Yeah right.

The misery you are living under is horrible. Now double that misery and that is what the conditions your children are living under. If you are able to get away from that living situation do it! Your children are your priority, not some old ungrateful or absentee siblings.

Thank you for your input Debra Lee. You all are giving me courage and at the very least the feeling that Im not completely crazy. Its taken a long time for me to bring to this to a group of individuals that I know understand...I thought you would all blast me for being an ungrateful

A psychologist once told a friend of mine with an verbally abusive husband, "He can only do to you what you let him." It takes two to argue. Walk away, take your kids and leave every time he starts it whevener you can. Find a new place and new life. Best wishes for a long a happy future.

I agree with everyone else who says you need to get out of there. It's harming you and your daughters and you don't need that. Phooey on your brothers. Brothers have a way of denying/ignoring issues with their caregiver sisters. I have that too. If they've got it all figured out, let THEM move in with dad and take care of him day-to-day. Visiting is one thing, living with someone 24X7 is a whole other story. So get out there and find a place and tell your dad and brothers you're moving out. And then DO IT!!! Good luck and keep us posted.

Oh Skinonna you are very right. Blannie I also have an older sister. Since she is a high power executive no one expects her to do any of the grunt work when she comes around, in fact Im expected to wait on her also.

((((((((hugs))))))) I am in agreement with the others. Take back control of your life and establish a home for you and your children under a different roof from your dad's. For whatever reason, and in my mind it doesn't matter that much, he is abusive and having a very negative effect on you and your children. I know about the sib who also wants/expects to be waited on. No way! Please let us know that you are taking steps to get out of your situation and into a better one where you can Concentrate on yourself, your children and your career, Blessings

Here is a solution which I got from this website. Take your dad to adult daycare so he can be watched and so you can work and get respite. I am a caregiver to my grandpa with dementia and I am also a single mom to a little boy. I have to balance my life with all these responsibilities and it can be extremely challenging. Adult daycare is one of those lifesavers for caregivers. My grandpa's medicaid covers up to 5 days of his adult daycare. If your dad has medicaid, call his medicaid and ask if it covers adult daycare. If so, ask for a list of them in your area and surrounding areas and go check out those facilities before signing him up. Medicaid can also give you a voucher for respite that you the caregiver can use so you can drop your loved one to a respite facility.

If your dad doesn't have medicaid, sign him up for it. If he has other insurances, call them up and ask if they cover adult daycare and other respite programs. Caregivers need all the help they can get so grab on to these opportunities.

My father doesnt want to do anything besides sit on the couch and watch our every move. Our HHA does get him out to do errands like grocery shop or shop for items for the house but other than that he sits on the couch and watches to see what we are doing. I brought up the idea of him going to the local senior center a few times per week. I even called and got the information. He quickly shot down that idea and said he didnt need to hang around old people. No matter what suggestions are put in place, he goes against them because he doesnt want to be told what to do. For instance, if the HHA says she is going to make something one way of course he will want it another way. My opinion is of no value. If I give an opinion he will second guess it or ask someone else "do you agree with this ?"

So you've tried every reasonable option. None of them work. You have ungrateful/oblivious siblings. So it's up to YOU to change the situation. Leave! Take your children with you. Reclaim your life and your happiness. Let your siblings and dad figure it out without you. You can only be walked on if you LET others do it. Reclaim your rights!

Sigh Blannie, Im so sick of the nonsense... Yet another argument today revolving around home repairs...Im sitting here shaking with anger...We have the yearly maintenance of the furnace, the repairman told me what he was doing. My father second guessed me as always asking if the vents were vacuumed..I told him I watched the man, he starts screaming at me in front my daughter and the HHA saying "How do I know if he did it..." I told my siblings that they need to handle the coordinating the repairs from now on and they did not respond. He has done this every time there is a repair that needs to be done.

Are you looking for a place to live?

Yes I am !!! I was talking to our HHA today and she was saying I have to stay because hes my Dad. I told her he will always be my Dad no matter where I live and I have children to think of .

toomuch - please detach from your father's abusive behavior and focus on your own needs. The more you remain enmeshed (codependent) with him, the more energy he takes from away from the changes you need to be making for yourself. Please take some steps towards an independent life. Each step taken makes the next one easier.
Here are some guidelines for detaching,

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable,
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them

Try some of these -they help. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Emjo I pasted your suggestions on my desktop. Thank you for these. I need them not only with dealing with my father but also in every area of my life.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement. This has helped me so much. I informed my family that I am actively looking for an apartment. In fact there is a small apt near me thats available. Im hoping to get a call back. You dont know how much I needed to hear what you all have said otherwise I would have kept trying to hang in there...The question is how do I remain sane in the meantime

I'm SOOOO happy to hear you're going to take care of yourself and your children and get out of your dad's house. You can hang on, now that you know you're leaving. Just imagine a *personal protective shield* that you immediately raise each time something happens. Laugh to yourself about that image and count the days until you can go somewhere else. And keep us posted!!!

You are most welcome, toomuch. I too am delighted that you are looking for a place for yourself and your kids.

How do you remain sane? Start practicing detachment and get out as soon as possible.At times I have imagined a brick wall between me and my mother. I even had climbing roses on it lol.

I see you wrote that your brothers came up with this idea and you were against it from the start. I am not sure I understand why you went along with them, against your own feelings. Please from now on, do what YOU think is good for you and do not let others run your life. It is your life, and up to you to make the decisions for yourself. This arrangement may have been good for them, but it is certainly not good for you or your kids. I have a few more things that may help, following on from what I posted before...

Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Walking on Eggshells - a book
When someone in your life has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder
by Randi Kreger
Remember it's Detaching "With Love"
It's important to remember the "with love" part. Detaching with love is not a way of treating someone one else, judging them, controlling their action, or implying approval or disapproval. If the world were a store and someone came up to you looking for the auto parts section, detaching would be like saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not the sales clerk. I don't know where the auto parts are; perhaps you can find a sales clerk at the customer service counter." It's not saying, "Let me find out for you," and it's not snapping "Do you see me wearing a uniform? No? Then leave me alone!"
Detaching is a method of setting boundaries to protect yourself. It can also mean that you give up the notion that you can control their behavior, and you stop allowing them to control yours. It’s hard. It takes practice. But for many, detaching works
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letting Go - Author Unknown

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more

You can't let that person (those people) run your life, not even if it's only emotions. At some point you are going to have to say "No, you will not tell me what to do or how to live. I will make choices for me and live my own life. You do the same FOR YOURSELF and stay out of mine!"

God luck and keep us posted. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

I do not think I can last even a couple of weeks here. .Im very seriously considering going to a hotel at least for the night thats how fed up I am Working from home and trying to handle coordinating appointments for him gets to be a bit much especially when he is following me when Im trying to conduct business. For the average person it probably wouldnt bother them but for me its fills me with anger. Today I thought he would go out and at least I would have peace and quiet for an hour or two. So I told him you dont need to hang around the house, all of your business has been taken care of . Since I said that he decides that he is going to stay home. He just sits in that one spot on the couch until 8pm at night, watching...staring. He is actually in better physical shape that alot of people his age, but he is content to be waited on hand and foot and do nothing. We are having other family members over tomorrow and Im not looking forward to it. Hes put on an act !!! Pretending he loves his grandchildren so much ...pretending hes a kind person...It makes me sick. Even though the HHA drive me crazy at times, they see exactly what I see.

I have to add my input on this, I am very fortunate that I don't have the issues so many of you do with parents, now having said that I need to tell you how much I admire each and every one of you. I could never do what you do. I have read stories on this site for a while now and so many that I read break my heart. Your ability to reach out, support and help each other is amazing and it makes me feel good that so many truly care about each other, most who are complete strangers. Tomuch4me I know why you let your siblings talk you into moving in with Dad, they used the fact that you had lost your house to convince you, they knew you were vulnerable and probably feeling very low at the time so they offfered free rent in exchange for taking care of dad. You need to get out of there, if for no other reason then to save your sanity and your relationship with your children, they see you being bullied every day, they see the stress you are under and although you may not think it is affecting your relationship with them now it is, they don't want to be there anymore than you do. Your obligation is not to your dad or siblings it is to you and your children. Get out as soon as you can and don't tell your family you are leaving and then not leave because when you do that they see it as an empty threat and don't believe you will ever leave or they will try to talk you out of leaving by coming by and having the "talk" with dad who will be all agreeable to them but once they are out the door nothing has changed and dad is the same nasty hateful person he has been all along. I can't stress this enough, for yourself and your children get out, even if you can only find a one bedroom apartment take it, save your sanity and let the siblings have the pleasure of dealing with Dad. One more thing, please don't feel any guilt over your decision to get out, your siblings feel no guilt for having bullied you into moving in there so don't you let them or anyone make you feel guilty about caring for yourself and your children, if there is any guilt to be felt it should be your siblings for doing what they did to you. Good luck, we are all here for you.

Clifford, thank you. Its as if you were looking into my home. One of my siblings offered to talk to our father once again. I said there was no amount of talking that could change anything. How many talks can we have that always wind up with him shouting "HOLD IT HOLD IT WHO IS THE OLDEST ??" I only agreed to move in because my siblings assured me that they he understood how things need to be. When we first walked into the house, he declared that I was the woman of the house and that he would stay out of the way..I would be in charge of running the house.." That was all for show.... But its all water under the bridge, Im really trying hard to look for a place. Lesson learned. Trust myself. I knew this would be a disaster. Im sure he will do nothing but bad mouth me once I leave.