I am the Caregiver for my 87 year old father. In addition to being a caregiver I work from home and Im a single mother of three children. We moved in with Dad about five months ago after he had a fall in the house. In the past months, My brothers were taking care of my father when he first got out of the hospital. Then they came up with the brilliant idea for me to move in and help take care of him I was against the idea from the beginning and expressed that to my siblings. Every day is filled with arguing. My father needs so much attention even though his physical condition has improved alot. He has a home health attendant while I work but that doesnt stop him from calling me upstairs to answer the phone, check his grand prize mail etc. I work from home full time 50 plus hours a week and Im required to have a quiet environment, Numerous times I have to tell him to be quiet because hes either yelling for me or has the TV at full blast. He sees me and the Home Health Attendant as his personal servants. My father cannot have a simple breakfast...he has to have a gourmet meal EVERY morning. He and the Home Health Attendant will go food shopping and he will always want something that is not in the house which means every time I go out, he wants something from the store or a favor done I find myself constantly rushing back home. I have no privacy nor time to just bond with my children. 24/7 is spent catering to my father and his whims. Not needs. He is not content to find something to do with himself..He spends his time arguing and being suspicious of everyone. Its exhausting. He doesn't have any friends nor does he socialize. feel like I have too much on my plate and every day is the same . If I go out on the weekend he gets back at me by snooping through basement which is basically where I sleep. If hes not doing that hes going through my daughter's rooms. Most days I'm in tears of frustration.
How long are your brothers planning on you taking care of him? One of the best suggestions someone gave me was to use my iPad to record his behavior so there was documented evidence. (remember to keep your hand off the microphone so others can hear his ranting). I put up with it for 5 months and simply could not take any more. You can see my other post about "how do I get him on hte plane". He is in a Alzheimers home now, tho i think he's only in the beginning stages of alzheimers -- he's got some other form of dementia whether from stroke or whatever else. The system seems to be so geared towards protecting the elder that there is no resources for carers who are not trying to take advantage of difficult elders.
My point is this - now that my mother is gone, I feel really bad that I did not stick it out a few months longer. It causes me great distress to think of my mother spending so much time alone in her last days. While I still spent alot of time with her after I moved out, it was not to the degree living with her allowed. So my advice to you is to think about how you will feel, once your father is gone, if you move out now into your own place. I am not advising you not to (I was in the same boat and I couldn't take it anymore and did), I am just advising you to think of the long term impact this decision will bear. Carrying this regret with me the rest of my life is a terrible burden. Spending most of her last days alone must have been terrible for my mother.
I wish you much peace and strength through this terribly difficult time in your life.
Your father is similar to how both my parents were. My father passed away in January. Both my parents thought that my brothers walked on water and took them place and treated them nicely. As for us girls we were considered slaves and were abused verbally and physically. SOME of their generation see things differently and if your brothers were raised as mine were, then they are going to believe that the girls should take care of the parents. It’s sad but true.
If your father isn’t willing to allow you to put locks on your door and your daughter’s doors then you should move out. If he doesn’t respect you or your privacy now it will only get worse as time passes.
Since he doesn’t require you to be there all of the time and he does have someone coming in to help, maybe you can get an apartment close by and help the caregiver out when needed. BUT, if you do that, then you need to be paid for your time. Your time is not worthless. Your time is valuable and you should be paid for it. Taking care of someone else’s needs 24/7 is draining and you aren’t going to have time for your own children. I was a single parent for 10 years and I know the strain that comes with that. Believing that living with your father would be a relief to the pocketbook, having the security of your children in a home. It ends up being worse for them in the long run.
As for the health assistant with an attitude, fire her and hire someone else. You don’t need that additional stress.
Take care of yourself and your children. Your father apparently has all the slaves he needs.
I know all about regrets; I didn't move in to my childhood home with my mom and instead ended up bringing her to reside in a facility near me, and will always wonder what would have gone better or worse if I had decided differently. (I did not think I could handle her care, and it would have been prety much all on me, whicle I work full-time plus and provide essentially the sole income for the family, which was mod to max assist for all mobility and ADL except feeding herself, and also very negative and critical personality.) See, I stil feel guilty about it too!!
But, this author has a dad who is more physically independent and could keep going strong for YEARS, not months. She's got to move out, she and her kids have no privacy, no control, and no life where they are. Maybe Dad can't help it given his personality characteristis plus his dementia, but still it just isn't tolerable for an indeterminate length of time. She does not have to drop out of his life altogether, but trying to work and live in the same house is going eat her and her kids alive.
There may be even more regrets if the girls are emotionally scarred from living in a battleground and having their rooms invaded daily. Unless dad could go to a senior center daily without it being a maybe-I-will maybe-I-won't fight every day, I do not see how this situation can work. Once she moves out, limits will have to be set on requests between visits or he will continue to drain her dry without a drop of gratitude just because he thinks she SHOULD be catering to his every request on a full time basis - her job adn her kids won't figure into the equation at all in his mind.
Drama every single day.
I wish you and your children the very best. If I could, I would give you a hug.
Your job is hard enough as it is. You should be receiving support from your sister rather than criticism. My siblings don't help me but they don't talk shit to my mom about me. I wouldn't tolerate that and you shouldn't either. There is no call for that.
If your father doesn't respect you, your children are going to see you being treated like "a dog" and they will begin to mimic his behavior. I have seen this happen. Do not let your father take that away from you.