So this is probably a combination of Dad's dementia, My codependency (as a result of growing up with Dad) and me being tired-which leads to being overly sensitive. OK... I semi-cope with Dad's repeating of the same thing he's told me since yesterday for the millionth time, but I took offense to something that should probably be trivial. Dad kept repeating the story about my late brother's (may he rest) son being deemed academically gifted. Dad then kept repeating how "He's just like his father..." NO DAD!!!! I WAS THE ONE WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's petty, but the more he repeated it, the more frustrated I could feel myself becoming. I never got ANYTHING below a B- EVER!!!! I HAVE THREE DEGREES THAT I DON'T GET TO USE BECAUSE I CHOSE TO WORK A JOB THAT KEEPS ME CLOSE TO DAD!!!!!!!!! IT'S INFURIATING!!!!!!!! I'm aware that MY issues are way more deep rooted than just being looked over again for having the wrong "equipment", but I wonder if his oversight is "innocent". I know dementia patients get things crossed up sometimes and I'm secretly hoping he's just getting our accomplishments crossed up due to his disease, but GOODNESS!!!! It was my hope that dementia would change the "overlook the daughter" and "make the black sheep bad boy the golden boy" syndrome would somehow diminish with the dementia. Guess I was wrong. Forgive me for the pettiness. I needed to get that out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!
I know it must hurt to hear your father say those things, but maybe it will help if you say to yourself - everyone else knows I was the strong one, I was the successful one. I am woman!
Or being able to live with yourself.
My mother is also one who whitewashed her life. She had bluebirds and butterflies around her. Her childhood family was perfect, her husband was perfect, and she was perfect. The bad things that happened along the way were other people's fault. One thing about this is that it makes for superficial boring conversation. I want to say Mom, I know you were pregnant when you married -- no preemie baby weighs over 10 lbs! And you were one of the worst mothers ever. But I just hold my tongue and know that nothing would be accomplished by saying these things. She needs to keep up external appearances even inside her own head. Maybe losing memory of the things done along the way is the ultimate way of forgiving yourself??
What did get to me was what my mom did after the dementia got rolling but before she was too far gone. Mom began to whitewash her entire life. To hear her tell it she was a saint - the perfect daughter, sister, wife and mother. Even before I realized she had dementia or even had a real understanding of what dementia was - I didn't correct her as there never has been any point in correcting my mother. So - I'd try not to listen to what she was saying - pretty much grinding my teeth the whole time.
But then came the time she was whitewashing her actions in a particular situation that had to do with my dad. This situation directly lead to daddy passing away alone and in a strange place. Then came the part when she attributed what had happened to me! That I was the one that did what she had actually done - and the result was my fault!!! I actually had warned her and the hospice people not to take this line of action - told them what happened in the end would be the result - long before they did it.
If ever I was gonna do bodily harm to my mother this would have been the time. But instead I very firmly put a stop to her talking and told her how it really went down - and I didn't pull any punches
There's a current thread that talks about correcting the dementia patients delusions - right or wrong? Even if it does no good in the long run, sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and tell the truth. We are people too - and our feeling matter.
He also taught us all how to punch without breaking our thumbs. Straight right, left hook and right uppercut. And tuck your car keys into your palm if you really, really need some impact.
But he left his motorbikes to my one brother, and his complete toolkit (a whole garage full) to the other, and didn't mention either of us daughters in his will. Heaven knows his estate was scant enough (everything else transferred direct to mother), but I admit it, I was really hurt. As far as 1928-vintage rugby-playing army types go he didn't have a sexist bone in his body. I suppose I felt a sort of "et tu Brute" moment about it.
Dad didn't have very good things to say about my brother when he was struggling with his addiction. In fact, I was the enabler (another word I learned from Al-Anon), so now that brother is now the saint seems very odd to me.
I guess after all the negative comments I get from the family who do NOTHING to help, I get a bit sensitive. I could ALWAYS count on my intellect. That was something TANGIBLE Dad couldn't dispute, yet he somehow snatches that away too.
... and as for women hating women. I GET THAT TOO!!!! My evil stepmother was always an adversary.
Thankfully, I was able to do NO CONTACT with her. Can't do that with Dad, so it is what it is...
My mother talks about my brothers so much. She doesn't have but one or two memories of me when I was growing up. My consolation is that I know it isn't my fault. She has something missing in her that doesn't let her acknowledge other women. Her comments about them are if they are fat or slim, and if they're pretty or not. This is strange in a way, since my mother was very obese and certainly not a beauty. You would think she would have empathy with other women. I just SMH and don't let it get to me. What she thinks of me really doesn't matter.
If my mother had always acted like she had any belief/trust/pride in me then I could chock comments like these up to dementia. But when I have been hearing MY WHOLE LIFE how great this brother or that brother is and how I was insignificant, it hurts to hear it now.
When I am elbow deep in poopy buttcrack but she seems to remember my brother taking such excellent care (he didn't, BTW), it hurts to hear about him.
Yeah, in the long run, we have to let it go. But it sure is nice to have a place to vent right after it happens.
Mom loves to mention how my older brother was a genius and got a near perfect score on his SATs. I was just, eh, average to her. Wasn't expected to make anything of myself. Well, I was the one who bought a half million dollar house so that she could move in with us. And the genius has never held a job.
My Mom [98] was that way. She was appalled any time she went to a new specialist and the doctor was a woman. Same with women being Mayors, Governors, Senators, etc. Same with Attorneys. Mom would say those women need to be home having babies, and taking care of their husbands.... [sigh]
Unfortunately, my brother was smart, but didn't exercise it. He made lots of bad decisions as a result of alcoholism that landed him jail time for several DWI's and a dishonorable discharge from the military for assaulting an officer while intoxicated. He didn't think he could go on and took his own life.
My Dad has NEVER acknowledged that either. So a LOT is going on here. It's just hard sometimes when I don't have any physical support in this journey.
This board is a Godsend...
And this issue was placed in my "God box"-- a little gem I got from Al-Anon.
Yesterday was just a bad day... I'm better today.
I just let it go.
So, in parallel, I don't suppose your late brother was any slouch when it came to schoolwork, true? So your father's not actually *wrong* - nephew probably does take after his dad. It's just that your father is smiling fondly on that memory and completely overlooking your much shinier record. Which is extremely irritating.
I personally like to claim responsibility for any achievement by any junior member of my family - "takes after his/her mother/aunt/grandmother, that must be it." This includes my Australian nephew who is not in fact related to me by blood, so perhaps it's more an environmental influence. Except when he does something idiotic. In which case he's very much his parents' child.
So Tiny, when gifted nephew comes up again, you merely repeat "takes after his auntie, AND MY FLAWLESS ACADEMIC RECORD, obviously!" as often as necessary. Also. Never mind what your Dad says, he's old. What your nephew understands is much more important: make sure *he* knows it's not only boys who get the bright genes.
I know you know better than to expect Daddy Leopard to change his spots by now, don't you?
I recently got mom's awful roommate moved. I know that mom will credit brother with doing this. At some point, you have to let go and let G-d or other higher powers be on control. Because we are certainly not.
You hoped dementia, and the fact you are taking care of him, would have improved his relationship with you. I suppose it sometimes happens that way. But more often the adult child is disappointed that the old patterns persist. Bummer!
Reacting strongly to one false memory of someone who has dementia is kind of trivial. I don't think it is the dementia part that you are reacting to -- it is the lifelong pattern that has hurt for a long time. And that, my dear, is far, far from trivial.
We all know never to argue or reason with someone who has dementia. But I wonder if it might be a good idea (good for you, not necessarily him) to interject a little reality. "Yes, grandson is very smart. He comes from a very smart family. Not only his dad was smart, but so are you, and I am too. Do you know that I have 3 college degrees?" He'll probably drag the conversation back to Golden Boy, but at least you've asserted yourself. Repeat as often as he tells that particular story.
I know that you are just venting and you didn't ask for advice. Sorry. I guess I'm kind of compulsive about that. What I really want to do is reach out and give you a hug!