My mother and father just moved in with my family and they are saying hurtful things to me.

Try to remember it is the disease, not the person. Yes, she can forget that she said something just SECONDS AGO. My Dad did that to my mother in his final days. At night he was a different person to her.

Is it too late for them to move back into their own home, with more in-home health services? It does sound like this move was a mistake, though not for the reasons your mother gives. Could they get along in Assisted Living?

Your mother is used to being boss of the house. She isn't boss now. This has got to be a terribly difficult adjustment.

You are used to setting the rules for who is welcome in your home. Did Sister used to visit your parents at their home? If so, it would a surprise and disappointment to learn that she is no longer welcome to visit them where they live. (If she never visited anyway, this is not worth arguing over.) Can you offer to drive them to Sister's when they are invited?

And now poor Dad is caught in the middle. He gets to be the referee of "she said" "no she said" "did not!" "did too!" Lordy, not a peaceful way to spend your final years.

Wouldn't they really be better off in Assisted Living, where at least the rules they have to follow are not their children's rules, and they can invite anyone they want to visit them?

This tension is not good for any of the five of you. (As if you needed an outsider to point that out!)

Frazzeled, if your Mom doesn't have dementia, then she full well knows what she is doing. My Mom does this also. Mom is perfectly fine. It is called gaslighting. Research it a bit and maybe you will get some anwsers. This is all part of a personality type. Mom has always done this sort of thing. They try to make you appear crazy, it is just part of their game. There is a thread on this site about narcissistic moms. The site is daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. Read it. Hope it helps.

I guess I should've given more information when I typed my initial question, and we probably fall under the dysfunctional family section as well........but, my Mom has not been diagnosed with dementia or any other mind altering issues, so I will look up gaslighting, but she could have dementia right??? How do I ever get her diagnosed, without her 'really' getting upset with me??? From what I understand, from my older sister, my Mother did this to her also, when she tried to talk to her about some issues long ago, that were troubling her. My Mom made her out to be a crazy person in menopause, and convinced my Dad of it, so that he wouldn't ever believe a word she ever said. Now, this 'other' sister, that I'm speaking of, that has the addiction problems, never came to see them over the past year. She has remained in a drunken stupor, and calls my Mom and tells her lots of garbage, and for some reason, my Mom believes every single word of it. I've offered to take her anywhere she wants to go and see her, I have no problem with her seeing my sister, and they knew this problem existed, prior to this move, between my sister and I, so why it's such a big deal now, and why I'm getting blasted for it daily, I have no idea....when my Mom was in the hospital, the staff wouldn't even allow my sister in to see her, because my Mom's heart rate would get so irregular (plus she was spilling her booze all over the place)
I've always been the one that's been the closest with my parents. I love the both of them soooo much, but I've never seen this behavior out of my Mother..
I probably need to read about the different stages of dementia?? I'm going to read about the thread that Madge1 mentioned....
Thanks so much, and any and all of your input is soooo greatly appreciated.....they cannot move back into their home, it was sold before Christmas, and they were both dead set against assisted living....

Yikes! Nip it in the bud right now! Good luck

My mother has the "mouth," too. She will say one thing, then turn around and say another. She has what looks like dementia now, but she did this even when she was younger. The only thing I can suggest is to talk to her directly about things and let it go around other people. Chances are that they are just having a time adjusting. Maybe if you could mark off some territory that is theirs alone and give her some control over certain things in the house, she would be able to make your home her home more quickly.

Family members often talk about each other and say things that they wouldn't say to their worst enemies. I don't know why this happens, but it is very common. I hope that you can work things out. I hope you'll let us know how the next few days go. Some days are worse than others. It sounds like you had one of the more emotionally bad days.

It sounds like a mess!

It certainly wouldn't hurt to become more familiar with the signs and stages of dementia. But from what you write, this is not new. She pulled something very similar with one of your sisters years ago.

As peeweedeb says, nip this in the bud! Your parents could be around another 15 or more years. Can you live like this that long? Get this living arrangement on a solid foundation now. It is unacceptable for your mother to talk to you hurtfully. (Dementia would alter things, but I don't know that is a factor here.)

Could the five of you have a few family counselling sessions? There is a lot at stake here, and worth considerable effort to get things on a good footing.

And do not rule out the possibility of alternate living arrangements. If you decide that this isn't working and your parents must find another place to live, what are they going to do? Find a homeless shelter? It may be true that they are now dead set against assisted living, but if you become dead set against having them with you, something has to give. Just know that this is a possibility, so you don't feel completely trapped.

Jessie may be right and this is just a rough adjustment period. But reading other threads here would indicate that rough adjustment periods can go on and on for years. Nip it in the bud! Get it to work, or get it to end.

Madge1 .... Thank you so much for shedding some light on my 84 year old Father's wacky additions to his story telling. I never knew there was a name for deceptive, lying old men! I looked up gaslighting and they described his behavior to a "T" along with his picture ... Ha!

Frazzled28 .... I feel your pain. This caregiver role is a tough one. I too hope this is just an adjustment period and these issues will go away. If you take anything away from this forum ... please remember to make time for yourself and your own family. I hope things work out for you. However, having an alternate living arrangments is a very good suggestion.

Good Luck!

Everyone has already said it. Your mother is a manipulative narcissist and your poor dad is probably a passive aggressive enabler, in denial. Look up personality disorders. You got an interesting bunch there. Do not let any of them make you think your perceptions are off. You are OK, but you need to toughen up, draw your lines in the sand and get your husband to back you 100%. No excuses.

I know an elderly couple that are currently living in an assisted living facility for people with dementia. They are living together and they love it! Just a thought, something to think about. I think that you are off to a bad start.

I am in the same situation. My grandmother has always been mean and hateful and while I realize it may be the disease, it does not make it any easier especially
on your child. After my grandma threw food on the floor and demanded I clean it up, she thanked my husband for putting up with me. He quickly told her that I am not a slave girl and that she moved into our home because I loved her. She is moving as soon as I can get her back into a home. My mother whom is her POA has written her off as she was beaten and verbally abused by this woman all of her life. My children come first I sought help when I was depressed and educated myself on the issue, I refuse to intentionally subject my children to this abuse. Good luck

You go, Baumqark! Glad that you have your husband behind you. Grandchildren and great grandchildren should not have to tolerate this type of behavior.

I will say yesterday was somewhat of a better day, with my Mother, now my Father was another story altogether!!!....LOL....my Dad has needed a new set of dentures for years, and it seems like my Mom's wants have always surpassed anything that my Dad has ever needed, even though he is the one that worked for 46 years, while she stayed at home, and complained about everything that he ever gave her....so, I made my mind up, that when they moved in with us, that my Dad was definitely going to have his needs met, that had been getting overlooked for years, because he's made a lifetime out of pleasing my Mother....so, I made this appointment to have his new dentures made, and we went last week for a consultation, and we were to show back up yesterday morning at 8:30 for them to make impressions. I drive my daughter to school every morning, and drop her off, and then just spend some time with the Lord, on the way home, and pray for the day...I had woke my Dad at 6 am, like he had requested, got him his breakfast, his newspaper, and poured him some coffee. I told him that I was going to take my daughter to school, in which I would be back at home LONG before 8:00, and I would need to use the restroom, brush my teeth because I was 'drinking' my breakfast in the vehicle while driving her to school, and then we would leave to go to his appointment....mind you, the dental place is less then five minutes from our home, and I was back at our house from the school at 7:45. I go downstairs to take care of me, and get my am medicine, bolt up the steps, and my Dad isn't sitting in the chair waiting on me, like he normally would be, so I figured he must've had to go back to the bathroom. I decided to go and start the van, in which I can't find the key, where I had laid it, when I had come back in the house, and as I'm opening up the garage door.........my Dad is pulling out of the driveway, leaving without me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He hasn't driven for months.....the man can barely lift his feet, and walk..............I didn't know what to do....so, i waited a few minutes and called the dental place, and told them that he had left without me, and he hasn't been driving....(just to see him, it's obvious that he shouldn't even be 'out' by himself trying to walk)....they asked me if I wanted them to call me, when he was finished there, and I told them 'yes, please do!', in which they did.......they called me at 10 am, 10:30 comes and goes, he's not home 10:40 my phone rings, it's my Dad...he sounds all loopy or something and is acting 'flip' with me on the phone, and is asking about this medicine that I told him about the day before that his Dr's office called me about....I asked him 'where' he was, and 'why' did he leave without me????.....He said, that he just figured that I was giving him a chance to go and have some fun??????????? and free time to himself???????????......I wasn't gonna argue with him, and cause upset with him over the phone, I just wanted him home 'safe', so I told him that his medicine has just been delivered by the pharmacy..(like always??)....so, he told me that he was on his way home. When he arrived, he had been to Target, without his teeth, because the dentist kept his dentures to make their molds from, bought two packages of Depends, and was smiling from ear to ear that he had done that, and my blood pressure felt like it was SKY HIGH!!!!!....when he got back, it was my Mom who said something about him doing that to me, and he again didn't seem to see the importance of it, so it was then that I told him, that I didn't appreciate it, that it wasn't nice, to just go off and leave me.........he looked like a little kid, that was being shamed....I wasn't too hard on him, but we made it an ongoing joke yesterday off and on, 'oh you know, when you left me high and dry this morning?'......(but I'm not leaving the car keys out in the open any more, that's for sure, and if need be, I'll have his doctor address the matter....)
I took the advice of JessieBelle and gave my Mom something to do yesterday....my husband loves these noodles and chicken that she makes, (even though I was the one running up and down the steps retrieving the ingreidients, and chopping the stuff, draining water, etc)....she felt like she was 'in charge' of something...it took all day, but it tasted wonderful, and she was proud of it.....(she gets really breathless trying to do anything anymore)...
So, all in all, it was a fairly good day, but I'm keeping a slight headache all day long anymore it seems like, and I don't get to sit down until around 8:00 pm, and by then, I'm just ready to pass out!!!

I am glad that it ended well, frazzled. I have a feeling that you were sitting, fearing a call from the police. It sounds like a nerve-wracking incident that will turn into a fond memory. :)