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I Love taking care of her she is 86 she has dementia and she had half
of her hip replaced she can not walk yet.I have read some stories on here
Why do some of you complain?.dont for get who took care of you when you
were little or when you could not do anything

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How long have you been taking care of your mom? How's her demeanor? My mom was always this sweet considerate soul. She is nothing like the person I knew and love. I say love because I do still love her...sometimes I don't like her very much. But my love will always be there. I know that it's frustrating for her too. But for us being caregivers we need to have some validation or empathy, if you will. I have given up everything for her at this point in her life..because she needs me. I wished things had turned out different but there was a plan and I truly believe things happen for a reason.
But this forum has been a great asset to me . I feel like I am not in this alone. Because lets face it. This is a hard job..maybe the hardest one I have ever taken on. Complaints turn it to solutions and there are so many out there we can learn from. God Bless
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I love caring for my mother and will do everything within my powers to keep her out of a nh because that is what my dad (resently passed) wanted. With that said, I work full time then rush home because the home health my mom pays for while I work is expensive enough without keeping her over. So my second full time job begins... Anyone who says caring for a parent isn't ever hard is lying! I get tired and stressed, but never and I repeat never do I feel my mom is a burden, so if I do "complain" about lack of help but plenty of flack from most of my siblings (one sister is as heplful as she can be being a business owner) its just cause I am human and get tired and sore (mom is complete care wheelchair bound for years now) so my back may hurt or I may loose sleep an complain. But its just blowing off steam nothing more and my mom knows I wouldnt have it any other way. I love her and she loves me end of my story.. :)
(4)
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Exactly eseleedy! Nobody can know exactly what someone else is going through. I come here when I feel like I'm all alone in this world and need to get things off my chest. I think that makes me a better caregiver for my mother. My mom is schizophrenic and when she's having a bad spell I hear constant criticism from her and esp. to other people. Because she's elderly and sweet to them, they find it amusing and usually laugh along with her. How do you think that makes me feel? After a while it can wear a person's self esteem and confidence completely out. You start to believe you're nothing and can't do anything right. I do love my mom but that doesn't mean I don't need to vent sometimes. This is a safe place to do so. I don't have to worry about what someone is going to think about me or my mother. And yes mother did take care of me growing up and I appreciate that but I'll tell you right now if I was acting the way she does at times, she would be complaining. I know its her disease and she can't help it to an extent but to an extent she can. I love her, I care for her, I pray for her. So if I need to come on here and vent once in a while that's what I'm gonna do.
(5)
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Crazzylady, I'm not attacking you when I say this, but...you suffer from a common delusion. Like many people, you think that because your life works a certain way, it must work that way for everyone. It's just not so. Not everyone has a wonderful experience taking care of people with dementia, or any caregiving situation. To be honest, and we always should be, sometimes people with dementia go from being a kind, warm, loving parent to a screaming, hateful, violent monster. It's the nature of the disease. Those are the two poles. Mostly, dementia patients will most likely fall somewhere in between, and bounce back and forth. Also, understand what it is we all do. We are the caretakers of the final extreme. Ultimately, there is no hope that everything will work out perfectly, and we'll all have cookies and firetruck rides. Again, if we are to be honest, this duty is not about nursing someone back to health. It ends with the death of someone we care about. Sometimes, while you're dealing with their loss of mobility, sanity, and dignity, it hits you like a hammerblow. It will not get better. Ever. And they will die. That thought can take the heart out of anyone. Sometimes the complaining vents a little of the megrims.

I hope that helps you see things from someone else's perspective. If not, no big deal. I hope your caregiving experience continues to be good.
(5)
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Others of us complain because out of our hearts we are caring for our parent/s with dignity, integrity, and putting their quality of life first, however, while growing up we were physically abused, verbally and emotionally abused. As adults the verbal and emotional abuse continues because the parent has a mental illness and refuses help. Now that parent has Alz and needs help with daily living. So yes, we complain because all we ever wanted was to be loved and accepted by our abusive parent...not too much to ask really! Why do people like me take care of a parent like...some carry so much guilt and pain that they are co-dependent on the parent, some do it because they think they can establish a relationship with the parent, some have been put in the situation by other sibs who won't help on any level, and some who have received healing from the past do it because they have chosen to but set boundaries, live independent of the parent but provide assistance. No matter what the reason or situation is, we are only human and our stress levels are all different. If you have to a beautiful relationship with your parent, and your parent is cooperating, grateful for your help, and docile in nature by letting you make all decisions with no fighting over losing their independence, doesn't accuse you of stealing from them...congratulations! That is not the case with the majority.
(4)
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I think it is healthy to complain. I think we complain about our care giving situation on this site because others here understand and listen when there are no one else in our lives who understands or seems to care. I remember venting to my childhood dog, crying and complaining because it seemed he was the only one who knew how I felt. He felt my pain and stayed by me and offered his support, he had no idea why I was upset he just knew I needed comfort.
(3)
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Really, crazzylady55, you've actually read the posts where are the reasons behind the complaining (or venting, more likely) are poured out, and you can't understand the reason for complaints? That is quite surprising.

When my parents were raising me (and my 6 sibs) there were many times my mother complained. Many times she expressed frustration. I never concluded that she loved me less or that she would take less good care of us because of it. And she used to say, "Just wait until you are a parent!" And when I did become a parent, there were times I complained about it and was frustrated with it and vented to friends who were also parents of youngsters. I know for a fact that didn't mean I didn't love my kids, it didn't mean I wasn't glad to take care of them, it didn't mean I regretted having them. It is just that some days or some hours ARE HARD, DARN IT!!

Do you have children? Did you never complain while you were raising them? If not, that is pretty amazing. If your own mother never had moments of complaining about the challenges of motherhood, that is pretty amazing. And if you are caring for someone -- anyone, but especially a loved one -- who is slipping away memory by memory with the cruel disease of dementia and you never ever feel the need for venting or complaining, well, all I can say is that is absolutely amazing.
(4)
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I am glad you are enjoying caring for your elder family member. We, as caregivers need to respect what each other are feeling and not make anyone feel bad for being honest because when we do that we are no longer helping each other. I, like you, felt that way years ago because my own mom is and always has been such a sweet and kind woman. I never would have implied that people should not feel stressed for having to give up jobs, ruin marriages, miss out on your teenagers' years of young adulthood, etc. I am now the caregiver for MIL, who was a violent, aggressive, mean spirited woman (except when she had her hair in a bun while playing piano at her Church) before she got sick. Now she is in moderate stage of dementia, refusing to do PT so she is bedbound and screaming at ICU nurses for not giving her pedicures and manicures. She's never paid a penny for nails in her life and only showered 1x every 3 months.......she just thinks people are here to serve her and in the past the more aggressive she was the more she won.
Come on over for an hour, I'm sure you'll even appreciate your situation more than you do!
AND-we all need to laugh with one another about our elders' and our own situations.
(5)
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My ILs had one child that they liked out of their 3 children. The favorite was given large amounts of money, and adored by ILs. When time came for someone to oversee their care, the favorite was quite honest and said they would end his marriage if he had to take care of them. While he was their treasured favorite, his wife was an IL and treated just as poorly as the other ILs.

Some parents have children and spend their entire lives loving them and not loving them, conditionally.

The lucky people are the ones that have wonderful loving relationships with their parents and cherish the opportunity to care for them in their declining years
(3)
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Crazzylady, it's ok, it's hard to convey what we want to say sometimes in cyberspace... and many many folks on this sight have the same issues with family not helping,not even going to visit....so you are not alone.... and we do understand what you are saying...
I think I had a knee jerk reaction to the word 'complain', as the world at large sees what we do as an easy job, just taking care of the old folks, how hard can that be.... they have no idea.... so this sight was created for us to have a place to identify with others, to be understood, to have a safe place to have our feelings without being judged... to get and give much needed support for your daily struggles...
Please come back and let us know your story.... we are here to help and to understand... sometimes, for me, just knowing others understand how I feel is worth more than words can express....
It sounds like you need this safe place for yourself as well, hope we see you again....sending you my caregiver survival kit,,,,,, love, hugs, angels, and chocolate..... let us hear from you...
(5)
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Sorry that I came cross that way.I have a brother and sister who dont
care about their mom.
(2)
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I am a human first, a caregiver second... so with that human part of me, I get stressed, too tired, don't eat right, my back hurts from all the transfers and lifting off the toilet... I am taking care of two people, one in the end of her life, Hopsice is involved, the other with Alz...
There is constant interruptions, the phone ringing, health care workers for both of them in and out... and if I didn't have this sight to come to to 'complain', I would not have a place to put my human feelings.... in order to be a good caregiver, I need to address the human part first....
I hope you have not set yourself up to not come back and share when and if things get hard... because it does get hard... interrupted sleep for days on end, so If I'm a 'complainer' I am very very grateful for all the other complaining caregivers, it helps me to not feel alone or that I am a bad person, it helps me to know that what I am feeling is normal.... to get support, encourgement and hugs from people going thru the same thing is priceless to me.... I could not do this without them.... I have been on this sight for years.... and there is also a lot of gratitude shared on here, a lot of laughter, friendships made, and it is people like JessieBelle that I can count on to get me thru hard sad days....
I really like what you said, JessieBelle, about caregivers of caregivers... never thought about it that way before,,,, but who better to understand us than another caregiver.... thanks for saying that....
You call it 'complaining', we call it loving and supporting each other... I wish you well with your caregiver life.... it's not for sissies......
(6)
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crazzylady, you must have a wonderful mother. I know that taking care of someone with dementia is difficult, particularly if she can't walk. She is lucky to have a daughter like you who loves her so much.

One thing I like about this group is that I can talk about the bad days. A cg is going to have those days when demands are greater than the abilities of the cg. It is nice to have a place like this to come to on those bad days. People here know about those days and listen without judgment. I don't know about others, but I appreciate someone to vent to. I can't do it to family or neighbors.

Most people on here do so much for their loved ones, but there is a shortage of cgs for the cg in the outside world. I consider a lot of people on this group to be cgs of cgs. We all need someone to care about us, even if it is just our imaginary online friends.
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ahhh, your new...
(5)
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God bless you! Sorry you feel we are complaining; however, the emotional and physical stress of taking care of an aging parent is nothing like taking care of a child. Most of us are simply stating the facts of our situation. Coming together to vent with others who understand what we face each day is a true stress reliever for many. It helps knowing we are not alone in trying to do the best we can for our aging parents.

From my own experience dealing with siblings who do not help or understand is the most stressful part of having my Mother living in our home. Loss of privacy is a very close second. We are fortunate in being able to afford in home help so I can somewhat continue doing the things that are important to me; my grandchildren, volunteer work and travel. The isolation would be very difficult for me if I were not able to get out a few days a week. This has been a total lifestyle change for my husband and I.

Had I found this board 2 years ago, I would have made other arrangements immediately for Mother and saved myself from lots of stress (physical and mental) and heartache. Being with me or elsewhere is not going to change Mother's situation and I will still be very involved in seeing she is safe, comfortable and well cared for.

I love taking care of my Mother; however, I love my husband, children and grandchildren and will not give them up for anyone. It is only through God's grace and strength I have been able to all that needs to be done for Mother.

I wish you the very best and pray your caregiving continues to be a very positive experience in your life. Caregiving 24/7 is more than one person is able to sustain for any real length of time. I hope for your own health, you are able to recognize that point in time before it is too late for you to have a life of your own.
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