Follow
Share

Well we found a really nice place for my mom and had to tell her that we enrolled her into a club house for older folks. We told her she had to see the doctor to make sure she was healthy enough to join them and go places with them, to my surprise she agreed to the doctors appt.

Well after all the papers were signed and we had her ready to go she refused to go. My brother and I had to lie to her again and told her that we had worked so hard and sunk lots of money into setting this up for her. We told her that we had paid reservations for lunch at this place and we are not happy at all that she is refusing to go. We just wanted her to go for lunch and see how she liked it, 1 hour later she agreed to go for 20 minutes tops! We took her to lunch and walked out one at a time and didn't see her or call her for 2 weeks. ( thats what the NH staff suggested us to do) I felt like My Heart was gonna stop I cried all night!!!! I called the place every day to check on her and they told me she spent her time going back and forth to windows and doors trying to get out. After a couple of days she was getting to know her room mate and joining in some of the activities. But she was still acting very bitter.
For me to call and just talk to the nurses was very hard on me as well.

My brother and I went to see her after 2 weeks was up and she was all over us, " how could you just leave me like that" "You take me home right now", "I forgive you", And "i promise never to fight with ihanaa again", "Things will be better I promise"!! She said she has be there 2 months already.

It amazes me just what they pick and choose to remember (or it seems like they pick and choose to me anyway) So I came back the next day to be there for her hair appt. All she wants is to get out, No matter how many times I tried to change the subject. Now to day 3, She wouldn't let go of me so that I could leave, The nurses had to hold her back....I'm Crying again ( I CAN"T TAKE THIS!!!) I feel like a bad monster. It's just as bad as having her home 24/7 and stressing over taking care of her and chasing her out of the street all of the time and trying to tell her she had already done something that she swears she didn't.. Day 4 of seeing her, I didn't... I couldn't do it. :,( Tomorrow will be day 5 and I still don't know if I can bring myself to go in and see her.

In the mean time I am by myself to completely clean out her house and sell everything so that we will have the funds to continue her care in the home and I can go back east to my family that I moved away from to take care of her 2 years ago.

This has been one really really big emotional roller coaster that I never ever want to be on ever again, I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone!!!

Just needed to vent somewhere! Going to bed now, feeling like I can't breath again.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

16 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
I know it's a tough decision you made, but you made the right one... Try to remind yourself of what brought you to this decision. You are a good daughter and your Mom's care is your top priority right now... She'll adjust..
(6)
Report
Ihanaa~It is a big adjustment for everyone when we place a parent. We moved mom to a memory care unit back in April. Mom still asks to go home every time we visit. With me, I tell her we are working on it and change the subject. She will ask me several times during the visit. For some reason with my sister, mom starts yelling and screaming at her, crying,etc. I see mom 3 times a week, sis lives out of time so it is usually once a week she will visit. Before the move, I was running back and forth between my house and mom's 2-3 times a day. Sis is primary on the DPOA, I am second but because I live in the same city, I am more involved, we share the DPOA duties. It is very hard, I still cry a lot, most of it is grieving the loss of my mom. Mom is fine when we are not there. She has 2 lady friends who are cognitively similar to her. It is just when we visit, she wants to go home. I think as long as she can remember her home, going back there will always be her desire. We also have gone through mom's house, and will be selling it and her belongings that family members don't want. It is a very emotional progress so don't push yourself too hard, grieve as you need to. There is a great book by Pauline Boss, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia". It will explain the losses you as the caregiver are going to go through. It is tough going through mom's house, all the memories of growing up there come flooding back. You have made a good decision just as we did. Mom was not safe living at home, I have to work and so does sis. For me trying to maintain two households daily was very stressful. Making sure mom was eating, giving her her meds, taking her shopping, and just making sure she was not using the stove or oven, climbing on ladders. I now have peace of mind that she is well taken care of and safe. My time with her is more quality time, I still take her to all her dr. appts. I will suggest that you keep your visits with your mom short as she continues to adjust. It may help to cut down on her emotional stress and tell her you will be back later because you need to run to the store or something like that. My heart goes out to you, Hugs!!
(4)
Report
Ihanaa .. please don't doubt your choice to place your mum in long term care, you made the right decision. You didn't say how often you are going to see her but it sounds like it's every day. I think you should cut back to 3x a week, your mum needs to learn what it's going to be like not seeing you every day. Also.. I really think you need to be honest with her, don't tell her you are coming right back when you know you are not, as difficult as it is just give her a hug and kiss, tell her you love her and that you will see her in a few days. Although it will be more difficult, it's more respectful that way and you won't have the guilt of being dishonest with her. She will NEVER admit to being happy there even if the day comes when she is :-)
(3)
Report
I loved reading all of your comments. I am really struggling right now, and your words really helped! We moved my mom to a Memory Care facility Sunday, and I am a basket case. Every day she tells me she wants to go home, and I am eaten alive with guilt. I go every day and visit. I went with her today to get her hair done, and we had a great visit/laughed a lot/talked to people, etc. HOWEVER, EVERY day when I leave she asks me when she is going home, why she is there, etc. I have a brother and sister, and our precious mom was at the point that she would just sit in front of the TV all day. We had a sitter who came every day from 12-4, but it really did become a safety issue. She struggles walking and has sight/hearing loss/incontinence. She either needed someone with her 24/7 or Memory Care. I have been prepping her for a month, letting her know that she was going to work with the girl who came to see her (the lady who came to assess her). Even though we have talked and talked about it, you would have thought I had never mentioned it. "Why am I here? When can I go home?" I told her that the doctor thought it would be great for her brain to have some activity, and that we are taking this one day at a time. I told her they are going to help her, blah blah. EVERY DAY!! Just reading your comments made me feel better! My sister laughed and told me she was probably going to have to stand at the door of the facility and block it when I try to take Mom home due to the guilts. It is nice to know others are having a hard time and going through the same struggles. I get a knot in my stomach every time I am heading to see her, knowing that she will want me to take her home. Will she ALWAYS talk about going home? HELP!
(3)
Report
My heart aches for you and your Mom. Tears are streaming. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I know that someday I might have to make this same decision. Oh how my heart aches....
(2)
Report
I know how hard this is but the number one thing to remember is you are doing what is best for Mom. Somehow you must put your feelings aside; they are not doing you any good or your Mom. You took care of her as long as possible and that in itself should bring you comfort. Just as knowing Mom is now in a safe place and will get the 24/7 care she needs should give you relief and peace of mind.

It really is all about what is best for Mom at this point in her life. Take good care of yourself now.
(5)
Report
I live 1500 miles from Mother and so, I don't go to the nursing home. She has lots of friends and activities and her health is great (now.) I seriously don't know what I would do if I lived near by - because she is SO much better without me being there. I visited for her 95th birthday and day 1 and 2 were great with her. By day 3 she was bossy and hateful and dependent, again. She is so much better off without me being there. (She can't hear on the phone, so we can't even talk.)
(2)
Report
struggling, my heart goes out to you. This is sooo hard. Have you talked to the aides and nurses about how she does when you are not there?
(2)
Report
I would suggest getting a counselor for weekly visits to support you during this very difficult time. Caregiver stress and burnout can cause health problem. I will pray for you.
(2)
Report
I tried taking care of mom, family, work. I stayed at mom's at night,sometimes child will go with me, and other times I would need to leave early to get child ready for school so hubby can get to work. He finally realized I wasn't sleeping, need to move mom. Tried her at my house. Very mad lady. Couldn't understand why. So, I moved her to board and care. Did the same thing, dropped her off. Saw her everyday and we both cried. Board and care only 6 residents and 2 caretakers in a homelike enviroment. took her dressers, pictures, and small things. 2 years later, she still wants to go home. Maybe you can move mom to a board and care near you and your family, it may be easier on both of you.
(2)
Report
This is what my Mother 90 needs. To be placed in a facility. I live in Calif. The rest of the family is from Michigan to Virginia. My Mother and my brother live in Ohio. My Brother, his wife, and children aren't close to my Mother, I don't know much about it. As I'm not close to my sister in law or nieces. Much of divide, is the way my sister in law was treated, and the way my Brother and his family has treated my Mother. My Brother and I didn't understand our Mom growing up. I loved her, but was rebellious and bitter. I used to say that's why she lived in Ohio, and I lived in Calif.(She is next to the baby in a family of 10, raised hard in the hills of Kentucky). And Because of her place in birth shes needy, hypercondreact. She was raised to work. And loved to, and did and expected everyone else to 6 days a week. She went to girls school and worked hard to learn about,speech,spelling,setting tables, making beds(a regular Martha Stewart) (She was not going to be an ignorant Hillbilly). And she is compulsive.And a CRITICAL Mother. She stayed with my father 14 years. Mentally a very sick man, and he treated it with alcohol. Mom should have got a divorce, got in therapy and on anti depressants. but u didn't do that then. She loved her God, Family, and home. She was raised that when you go home to visit your parents, sisters, brothers, Children, you help out with things that need to be done. And then you would sit around with your sisters and talk about cleaning techniques, and gossip about the family. We have a wonderful,fun, Christian, Family. But if you were raised different, I can see where you wouldn't understand. But now my brother won't speak to me. I didn't realize how ill my Mother was. I couldn't tell over the phone. The beginning of dementia. I didn't realize my Brothers attitude of intolerance to me was his back problems. To add to the mix I'm Bi-Polar.LOL If there wasn't so much Trauma, Drama it would be funny. My Brother is 6 years younger than me, I adore him. I told him off for the first time in 61 years. I'm 68. I've called, sent cards letters. He won't respond. I want my Mother to be Happy, Safe, and to carry out her wishes as best as I can. She lives alone,has all the symptoms of 1st stage Demencia. She doesn't want to come to California. I want to make her. She has grand and great grand children here. Or put her in A facility there. She has no paper work done.Poa. I talk to Mom every day, but this just worries her. I'm sending Brother info. Every time I make arrangements to go home I end up in bed depressed. Any suggestions?
(1)
Report
I am exactly where you were 2 years ago. My mother was moved out IL to AL because she couldn't remember where her apt was. In AL she was caught outside the facility in a daze, that immediately prompted memory center or 24/7 supv by the director. This first week in MC she is very, very mad and she is calling (using house phone) 6 or 7 times a night demanding to be taken home.. She hangs up cause she doesn't want to hear me say, I can't. Every visit, my mother is fighting me and grabbing me, sometimes hitting me, not allowing me to leave unless I take her with me. Every visit riles her up further and further.. I can't answer her questions to her liking, on why she is there, redirection is not possible. The facility is brand new, but, the 6 residents are much worse than my mother, and there is some disturbing behavior often at these places that I think is making it worse for my mother. My last few visits were not more than 10min before I had to escape. I can't answer her questions to her liking, on why she is there. The facility is brand new, but, the residents are much worse than my mother, and there is some disturbing behavior often at these places that I think is making it worse for my mother. Its pretty awful. All you can do is try going back. I too was told by a nurse friend of hers, that it is a very bad idea to take her back home to take care of. I know the pain you are talking about in the pit of your stomach.
(0)
Report
Prayers girl who
(0)
Report
Sending thoughtful prayers to you all. I also care for my mom full time. It has hands down the hardest struggle I ha e ever dealt with. I thi.k a lot of the reason why it's such a struggle is because of The millions of Emotions you feel on just a daily basis. No matter what it's family, and we want to do what's best for them. That sometimes seems to get lost in the mix, because we constantly want to please our loved ones, and keep them happy. I'm finally coming to a point that I know I'm going to have to make some tough decisions, and I know that I will do what's best for her safety, and overall well-being. It won't be easy by no means, but the fact is that nothing stays the same. Things are constantly changing, and it's best to go with the flow, instead of against. It's all done in love, and if we can go visit them then we're still luckier then so many out their. Prayers, and best wishes, to you & yours! Love and light, my friend=-)
(1)
Report
It's very troubling to hear of sad situations in MC. I have to say that I am very thankful. My cousin is quite content and when I leave, we hug several times, say a bunch of I love you's and promise to talk again real soon. (I know she won't remember it when I walk at the door.) But, still it's very heartwarming and pleasant. I do feel for those whose loved ones are distraught. Do you think they are suffering from anxiety? I'd discuss it with their doctor.

When I called my cousin this week to speak with her for a minute. (She's losing a lot of her verbal skills,) But, she sounded pretty good and told me that she had decided to stay in her apartment, she liked it and that I could bring her some Mexico with gravy! lol I say okay. That's a good decision and I'll bring Mexico with gravy next time I come. (She loves mashed potatoes.)
(0)
Report
awww (((TIGHT HUG!)))) I have been where you are... I would have to tell mom I had to go to the bathroom and be right back, then sneak out. Omg it hurts us!
Not going to see her is what you are doing to preserve your sanity :( After many months I still do that- it is perfectly fine and the staff at the home Completely Understand! They also understand and will work with you to sneak out.
I felt SO callous like abandoning a child... but it isnt, she is safe and well fed, and after a few months she was doing well.
WOW, i went through the same thing, chasing her out in the street, and then feeling like i abandoned her, and then having to clear out her place by myself...
((HUG))) It is a difficult thing, but she is well cared for, you do not Have to visit, it Will get better as the disease progresses and the daily routine becomes calming for her and feels safe.....
(3)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter