Hello all..I have been living with 87 year old father in his home since May of last year. It has been drama filled to say the least. I work from home and we have two Home Health Attendants. (one for weekdays and one for the weekend. Our weekday HHA chose her friend to work on the weekends. So when she wants extra money she works on the weekend instead of her friend even though we would prefer she NOT work on the weekend since she is very loud and obnoxious.
My father has a crush on the weekday HHA and acts as if she is the woman of the house. She takes advantage of the situation. She rearranges things, comes in late, leaves early...she runs the show. My father treats me like Im the HHA. Every day is a shouting match. He acts as if my children and I are up to something all the time. He hides his wallet, walks around the house acting as if he is the security guard/warden.
On Friday, I reached my breaking point. I work from home and my father came into the basement as if I was not doing anything. He started talking about coming down to get salt for the snow. I was on an important call with my boss. He was told several times not to come into the basement during work hours. Needless to say it turned into a huge explosion. I told him I was leaving and this time I did !!!! My children happily packed up their things and we left. We are staying with a close friend. When I told my siblings I left, my older brother (who arranged for us to come live with our Dad) he told me I HAD to go back. Truth be told I dont feel comfortable staying with friends because then I turn into an automatic babysitter.
I told them I would come back tomorrow but how should I proceed with this ? I feel guilty for leaving in the first place. The Aides had to put in extra hours because Im not there. But I dont want to react upon feelings of guilt. I want to feel empowered. How should I move forward..have any of you ever left your caregiver role and returned ?? Thanks as always for listening and Happy New Year
Once you go back, your siblings will know that they got you by the tail. Your life will now be just a drudge - worse than an HHA, worse than a slave. A drudge. You will have NO live or ANY input of the household. You KNOW they need you back into that house. This is the time to put your darn foot down and put in WRITING what you expect when you go back. Make sure it's in writing.
This is the time to set your working hours, and what you Expect of the HHA while you are working. You will insist that they draw up what is required of the HHA, etc... This should be YOUR asset now that you got your family by the balls. Now grab it and run with it! Do Not go Slinking back. My goodness! You have been given power to CORRECT what you have been complaining to your siblings. Do It Now!
As for automatic babysitting, how bad is that compared to what you were going thru with your father, and the Disrespect of the HHA. (By the way, include in your written agreement, that the HHA must listen to you as one of their Supervisors.) And your kids? Is going back to father, and having him Yell at them, and accusing them of things better than the automatic babysitting? You need to get back on your feet. If that means babysitting, then so be it.
In our tradition, when you visit family, you are treated as a guest. But, we are also obligated to help out - to "pay" for our staying at their home. Cook, do the dishes, etc... When we leave (as in me going back home), we leave Cash behind to cover our expenses. When I spent 2 weeks in Hawaii at my sister's SIL's nephew, I left $400 hidden in the car as they dropped me off at the airport. I hid it where it would be easily found - with a thank you note.
Please Think before you go back. Sit down, and write what you need, require from your father and the HHA. Make sure your siblings sign it. And make copies for everyone. And do not burn your bridges with your friend. Show your appreciation because that's what friend's are for. They're there when you need them.
And truly, what it really comes down to is this: Your siblings can find an alternate option with regards to your father. You are not their only solution. And most of all, your kids. It's one thing to visit their grandfather and face that kind of verbal abuse, but it's another by bringing them up in it. Trust me when I say that this can mess them up later in life.
First, understand that you do not HAVE to go back. As long as brother thinks you do, you will never be respected. He can hire the current caregiver more hours, get an additional caregiver, send Dad to daycare during the day and get a caregiver for evenings and nights, put Dad in a care center ... there are lots of options. One option is treating you with respect, paying you, and putting you in charge of the hired help. But that is only an option if YOU want it to be.
I know you won't want to impose on your friendship for a long period, but don't immediately go slinking back to take care of Dad with nothing settled.
I can't remember your earlier post ... have you discussed your situation with your county social services department? Are there other housing options for you and your children at this time?
If you don't take advantage of this situation to change things for the better, then it was just a silly temper tantrum. How seriously is your brother going to take you then?
You thought it was a bad idea to start with - but you moved in. Now you've proved it was a bad idea, and you've voted with your feet… Can you explain how it could possibly be anything but a terrible idea for you to move back in again?
Im returning because we still need a roof over our head and I work from home so my father's home has the equitment I need. So yeah Im crawling back to the whispers and scorn of my Dad and the HHAs. They pretend to like me but I know they dont and have probably added their two cents to my father...
You are working, caring for dad and don't have money for an apartment? Are you paying the household bills? Buying the food? Is that your payment for staying there? If so, that is very wrong! You should be paid for what you do for your dad as well. What would it cost to get a caregiver to do for dad what you have done?
I remember your story VERY WELL. Please don't go back without a list of DEMANDS! You see how happy your children are to get out. Don't go back unless they pay you enough so you can get an apartment when school is out. Don't go back unless you are given the power to pay or not pay that damned diva of an aide who is so rude to you. Write up a list of rules she is expected to follow, like cleaning up after herself in the kitchen, and NEVER bothering you unless your father's hair is on fire. (That's an image from Dr. Phil.) She has to sign the list to show she accepts it. She needs to know that YOU are her boss. You need a letter of apology and appreciation from your father, saying that he knows how much you do, and he is sorry for saying mean things about you.
You can look at your old posts by clicking on "News Feed" on the upper right. Reread them and recall how horrible your situation is. Read all the advice you have gotten. You are out of that house. Think LONG and HARD before you walk back in.
From your Dad's point of view, he probably does feel that he wasn't given much option either - it would explain why he's being such a [expletive deleted] to you and about you. Plan to get out at the earliest opportunity, beating an orderly retreat.
I do know how uncomfortable the disapproval/pity/exasperation/scorn/distortion of facts vibe from one's siblings can be, by the way - I get that left right and centre. My daughter correctly counsels me to remember that my siblings probably don't think nearly as badly of me as I feel/suspect they do. Humph. It's hard, but getting slowly slowly better… Hope it can for you, too. Whole new year ahead! x
I imagine you are still in upheaval about not being married anymore, and the family is using your guilt/shame to keep you in line. What a jerk to use your children as a way to manipulate you! Do you have a pastor who is not their pastor- a good place to know what help is available to you. I know you use the phone and computer to do work during the day. How about using the public library instead - here, we have 30 or more people who are freelancing from the library and they just run to the lobby to take calls. In the afternoon, their kids spend the afternoon there too. There are ways to make it work - harder to start with, but once you get the hang of being on your own, you will be so proud of what you have accomplished.
Your situation with POA and dad is probably similar to why you are not married anymore when you get down to root causes. Why not make a true new start, with you in the driver's seat?
I never thought about being accused of elder abuse and thanks for the heads up about the HHA and cps. She does watch every move we make. We have a captive audience for everything. She and my father sit on the couch all day watching us as we go through the house.
Being in a highly secure industry, you know that your personal reputation is essential to being trusted by clients. If you are under investigation by APS or CPS, you will not be as effective in work, and if charges are brought, you may lose the job.
My narcissistic mthr told nasty stories about me for the last 20 years to get back at me setting a simple boundary of no loaded and unattended guns in my home while I have little kids. She told people I had hit her, robbed her, she was penniless, etc. When I was alerted by APS that she needed rescuing, there were people who strongly opposed us based on lies she told. People are gullible, and they want to protect the weak. Little do they know who the weak one may be in any relationship.
This applies exactly to my situation with my sister who has made false accusations - non-provable wrong doing. I am supposed to have a vested interest in my mother's demise, among other things. How do you prove that unless you find arsenic in her tea?
Thankfully my reputation will remain in tact, as I have a good relationship with the people dealing with mother and sis antagonised them when she visited mother recently.
Your mother passed on some stories!!! It is my sis who does that to me more than mother, though mother provides fuel. People can be gullible about the elderly. Mother got a cab driver to call me the other day and tell me that I should visit my mother as she is lonely! I told him he didn't know the whole story and that the last couple of times I tried to visit she wouldn't see me.
toomuch4me. Glad you had somewhere to crash for the weekend. I hope you find another situation for yourself and family. It