Ready to snap.
My mother moved in with my husband and I about five years ago. With her I also got my, now, 15 year old niece. My niece is wonderful and not a problem, however my mother is having a huge negative impact on the entire household. Her health is not great (heart and lung disease), and so she is extremely limited on what she can do around the house. She refuses to go anywhere or do anything. We all feel that her whole source of entertainment is us. We are watched at every turn. "what are you eating", "what are you doing", "where are you going". What, where, when, why, how all day long everyday. then there is the starring. Always watching you. Always!, Now we are all resentful of the intrusions the questions and watching are causing. I feel like I am expected to check in with her on every damn detail of my life, and hate it! I want her to just move out, find her own place. When I was growing up I thought my mom was the toughest, most amazing person, but having lived with her these past years I have become completely disillusioned with my childhood memories of her. My anger and frustration is leaking out of my ears. I feel guilty that I don't even want to spend time with my husband or my niece because my mom has me so amped up with frustration that I just don't want to be around anyone. How sad is this?...When she had to stay in the hospital over night we all feel like a breath of fresh air was blowing through the house. The stress levels drop two fold and everyone was practically gleeful. I know that there has to be a better way to make this work, but I really am at a lose to see any light at the end of this tunnel. So I ask you for suggestions or comments that could help bring about some resolve to this issue that we are struggling with.
Please try to find her an adult day care where she can be with people of her own generation, you might find this will perk her up, she will develop new friends, and she would then be less noisy about what everyone is doing in the household.
Does she have the resources to afford to go to a nursing home if that what the doctor recommends or does she qualify for medicaid?
Use the search site box in the upper right hand corner of this page and do a search using the word detachment and you will see some articles about detaching emotionally with love. Right now for whatever reason, your mother is sucking the life out of you like an emotional vacuum cleaner. She can't stop, but you can detach for your own self-protection.
Your not wanting to be around anyone is a clear sign of emotional depletion and possible depression. Get yourself some help. You need your husband's support. So, please try not to isolate yourself from him, but if you do just explain to him that you are totally drained and need his patient support. He's probably feeling very anxious and wondering how to fix things with seeing you suffer with this so.
If she has not seen her doctor very recently, then call her doctor this afternoon; tell the person you speak to that you need to make an appointment very soon, and ask to speak with his or her nurse who will probably need to call you back today, but that will give you some added support ant get the ball rolling!
Please keep in touch, keep venting, keep asking questions, and keep us updated.
I don't know what to tell you but my mother is the same way when I'm in her house. I moved out and only stay over about twice a month now, but that was one of the reasons. She drove me crazy with her constant scrutiny. Where are you going? What are you cooking? Why are you going out on the porch? What do you have in your hand? And the staring thing as well. I thought it was because it was her house and she didn't want anything happening in her house that she didn't know about and approve, but based on your account, the same thing could have happened if I moved her to my house. She just seems to have no boundaries. Or maybe it's a way of trying to engage with someone without actually investing any energy in them. Or maybe just a way to relieve the awkwardness of living in such close quarters, like stranger conversation in an elevator.
I appreciate cmagnum's suggestion about detachment. However, I wasn't successful at detaching without removing myself physically from her presence. She still does it, and it still annoys me, but now I only have to be annoyed a few days a month. I realize my solution won't work for you unless you're serious about separating your households. Finding something else for your mother to do may be the best solution. Like adult daycare or a book club or a bridge club. Something to take her focus off you and give her something else to talk about.
My wife's therapist encouraged her to detach from her mother by living a certain geographical distance from her and limit her contact with her. This has helped free her up to get freedom from mom inside her head which is the hardest and last step of detachment.
What I wrote initially was to trying to help you in your immediate crisis. The whole work of total detachment involves more work, time and therapy. Only after you have detached from mom living in your head will you really be detached from her and be far less easily sucked into her drama dance by pushing those buttons that she put into your psyche long ago. Not everyone's buttons are at the same depth which is why it takes some longer than others, but the good news is they can be eventually detached and only you will be fully living inside of your own head without anyone else in your head unless you invite them in there.
O wish you the best in dealing with this mess.
My MIL is in Ass't living and she is self supportive. They give her meds, a bath and help her dress. She can come and go and arrange her own doctor appointments. She doesn't need lifted or fed.
What about any evaluation of her possibly being depressed? Maybe, if she had just a little bit of antidepressant then she would be more inclined to be more active?
It is not healthy for her or for ya'll to continue to be her soul source of entertainment. That only enables more and more dependency on her part and deepens your sense of living in her fishbowl with ya'll getting smaller and her getting bigger. That'll drive you nearly insane.
As you can probably tell, I'm out of ideas at the moment, but do find some kind help for you Right now, from your description, you are very close to crashing into some depression yourself not because there is anything clinically wrong with you, but because this is a situationally depressing situation. and I'm sure that your husband would love to see you happy and enjoying life once again. Thus, you may well need a therapist and some meds yourself. The whole atmosphere of the house is having its emotional impact on your niece as well. Some things needs to change so everyone, not just mom has a life and not at the expense of each other's life.
I must go now. My wife is ready for some food.
Keep in touch.
I totally understand what you are going through. My 94 yr old mom has lived with me since a burst brain aneurism 10 yrs ago. My day consists of "where did everybody go?" Bathroom. "What are you doing" laundry. " what's the plan for today" I don't know, I can't think until I finish my first cup of coffee. On and on ad infinitum. And on. And did I mention and on? 3 years ago I quit my job because it just wasn't safe leaving her alone for hours at a time. It's gotten so bad that lately she is jealous of our dog when I take him down the street to the park. She tells me a dozen times a day how lucky the dog is, how she wants to come back as my dog in her next life and lately has started calling my dog " the dead dog" don't ask, even I don't understand it. Wishful thinking on her part I guess. I don't have friends anymore, I haven't had a vacation since 2007 and I don't go anywhere without her unless it's to the dog park, mom was almost knocked down once by a pack of dogs and it just didn't seem safe. The other day she told a total stranger that I want ppl to think she's crazy so I can take her money. I have been looking for assisted living for her for the last week and today she tried to get out of the car while I was driving down the road (45 miles an hour) claiming it would be easier for everyone that way. Trust me when I say that you are not alone, we all gave our own crosses to bear and sometimes just knowing that helps a little.
Oh I don't feel good,exscuses, you have to get her out,if u take her to docs, also, mom lets go to walmarts or wherever, once she gets her foot out door she will breathe air attitude will change,when you get home she will thank you for taking her out.hardest part is getting her feet out that door.i am her, I want to go out so so bad, I had a bad caregiver, 5 yrs not one walk,nothing, she was a friend, I am interviewing today a new caregiver, I am a New Yorker stuck in colorado, for doctors etc.
PLZ keep us posted..I cry for you, and for Mom, who i no longer have.nor my hubby who passed.
Let me just say that my mom has been dong this for a couple of years. She questions me to death, and usually in a general, open way. She asks BIG questions (to which she already knows the answers because she lived through them) that take 15 minutes to answer, and after along day at work, I don't feel like it. It is soooooooooooooooooooooo draining.
Of course, we all understand, it makes sense that she wants to be a part of things. But it is draining!!!! and, as posted, she is looking for entertainment. Now, my mom is in AL and each time I visit ( EVERY DAY!!!), she asks me questions and wants to be entertained. It really is possible that nothing is new since yesterday--but that is not good enough.
What I try to do, since she is in AL,is to DO things with her rather than talk. We take a ride, go to exercise class, and play cards, go to a movie. That really helps.
Can you give your mom a project? Like working on a quilt, a knitted throw? Needle point? Organizing family albums and writing a family history?
Not every family situation works out when an elder moves in. Don't let guilt ruin things for you. If medical intervention can't make this better, than a move to assisted living might. I've seen some elders thrive in that setting.
Please keep us up to date on how you're doing.
Carol
It makes me wonder if your mom is depressed? Thankfully that was many years ago on my life and I am long over it and a much happier, stronger person now, so there is hope!