Resentment.

I'm sorry your dad is ill and your mom passed. The fact that he is able to move back to his apartment after 4 strokes is amazing and a true testament to your care.

I can't speak to the financial aspects, as I don't know much about it.

As far as your upbringing, enjoy the happy memories and let the resentment go. You chose to do this for your father, your siblings did not. I understand that you think they should do more, but you can't force them and there really is nothing you can do to change the way they behave. Their choices are theirs alone. You have to do what is best for you. If that means accepting responsibility for finances, then do it. If you would rather not, then let a lawyer handle it and just enjoy your father.

Have your dad hire a geriatric care manager to take over managing his care and finances. Go back to being a daughter and taking care of your kids. Your siblings will not help and you will have to write them off. But, DON'T KILL YOURSELF TAKING ON YOUR DAD'S HUGE RESPONSIBILITY - you are already buckling under the weight of it and it will just get worse.

It's great to be such a loving and caring daughter, but, when you are overwhelmed, it might be a good idea to get help. If your siblings aren't going to help, I'd try to let that go. Resentment only eats you up and won't change them. With caretaking of my LO, I got zero help from anyone. Not one call, not one meal...zero. As soon as I was able, I reached out for help. I'd explore to see what he can afford and if it can't afford it, what he might be entitled to get. Getting that help, will enable you to get some respite time and recharge your batteries. When your're not so exhausted and stressed, you will be able to savor the time with your dad.

Why would you be managing things for the rest of your life? The executor handles probate and settles the estate. If it's complex, you can retain attorneys or accountants. I'd explore how that might work.

What do you mean, write checks at your siblings' request?

Hire a geriatric care manager, as kimber suggested.

You should have been paid by your father (my opinion) for all you have done so far!

Suzee, as an accountant and daughter of a teacher, I ADMIRE teachers. But you are overwhelmed. You are NOT responsible for doing tax returns for siblings. You are responsible for HIRING a person to do your father's tax returns, the estate tax return when your father passes away, and any gift tax returns associated with any gifting during your parent's lifetime. If he is sick long enough, unless he is Trump wealthy, he will need Medicaid. Hiring outside help for tax prep, keeping track of payments to and from accounts as father needs-not siblings direct, and a geriatric care manager and paid caregivers are all allowed payments for Medicaid later and accepted by probate court as allowable expenses. Your parents, loving as they were, would not want your family memories to be of nothing but caregiving and loss of your own children's family connections. If you are working a second job, it should be for pay to provide for your own nuclear family. If there is enough money to have an estate to split with siblings, there is enough money to hire caregivers and professionals to keep you sane enough to handle all this. With love and hugs from afar. Remember - resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. If they aren't involved, they really aren't affected.

I just re-read your post. It seems that you believe that as executor, you will be responsible for handling your father's estate, which is in a trust, of which you are the trustee. Is that what you mean by doing 4 sets of taxes, writing your siblings checks, etc.?

I think I would check on whether that is actually the case. In any event, it doesn't sound like you have the desire or expertise to handle your dad's complex financial situation after he passes.

I think you should sit down with whoever created the trust and find out what your obligations are. You and your siblings should turn this over to professional mangers when the time comes.

Glad dad can return to an apartment now, but going forward, he will surely need care at some point. His care should NOT fall to you! You can hire a geriatric case manager and that person can hire caregivers out of your father's funds.

If you're the executor, as I was for my late mother, when he passes to you're entitled to a fee, that is, a portion of the estate. I realize it's small consolation for what you're going through now, but the money allowed me to do some serious repairs around my house, and to travel to Ireland, England, Scotland and France, which had been a long time dream of mine. In the very beginning of the ordeal, I thought about throwing that money back to the estate, but by the time it was all said and done, I'm glad I didn't. I was dealing with a numbskull brother with a substance abuse problem, and a sister that was half hysterical most of the time. So, hang on tight, and hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an incoming train!

You have gotten some excellent advice here. I just want to add a ((hug)).

I don't blame you for resenting your siblings. That seems perfectly appropriate. But in the long run the festering resentment is harmful to you, and does nothing to change the sibs.

Thank you all. Ideally, a family would sit down, sort this out, and support one another. Thank you especially for the virtual hugs. This is a weird situation, and I'm not sure if anyone has the answers, but this is really helping me to sort through everything by writing and reading. I can't hire a geriatric manager. If I decline the executorship, the position goes to one of my siblings. Siblings #1(also a stroke victim) and #2 are married to CEO's who have a lot more experience with $ than I do, but who also have questionable intentions. Sibling #3 has health problems. So, the duty goes to me. Re: the checks, taxes, etc. there are parameters set up that more or less spell out what the money can be used for after his passing, per my interpretation of what he has put in place (medical, education, etc.). If there's a dispute, I imagine it would go to court if I didn't go along with what my siblings wanted. I don't plan to take anything that far. Siblings know nothing of any of this. They assume, I believe, that they're getting their portion all at once, upon our dad's death. This is all just so hideous to think about. They will instead, have to ask me to approve and write their checks. I am the youngest by several years, and the only female. They are all very macho and have spent a lifetime making condescending remarks to me and other females in the family, other than their quite bossy wives. This is going to go over like a lead balloon. I would help my dad even if there weren't an estate. He's my dad and I love him. I have seriously considered walking away from everything other than the care taking. I've decided to give it an earnest try. And to whomever pointed out that I'll be in charge of hiring, rather than filing tax returns, right you are. I do intend to delegate that task. But the attorney has informed me that this is going to be a major pain. I've been instructed by my dad to be completely transparent, and to pay myself for my time. I believe it's been set up this way to ensure that our basic necessities will be addressed for life, but also because there is a serious lack of trust in the in laws. I think what I struggle with the most is the isolation, which likely won't improve with the way things are set up. At least not in terms of my relationship with my siblings. As it is, they don't even respond to most of my text messages, and roll their eyes when I mention that I have to miss work, or time with my children. In a strange and very unexpected twist, the strokes have changed my dad into a kinder and more docile person. I finally have a father who actually sits down and listens to me. Prior to this, he was usually too busy to give me much thought, and frequently difficult to communicate with in a peaceful manner. He is still difficult in that he has no sense that my kids and I are the only ones who can understand him due to his current speech impairment. He talks to everyone all the time, without inhibition. It's difficult to get out the door quickly. He also constantly passes gas. We makes jokes to lighten the mood. He laughs too. Thank goodness for my kids. I'd go completely batty without them. These are petty things I know. I feel bad for even being annoyed, and writing about this. It seems like a gross breach of fidelity. But all of this becomes not so petty when I'm overwhelmed, tired, or trying to accomplish something. Thank you again. It feels really good to be heard.

Come back anytime. You'll always be heard here.

suzee, my suggestion is that you handle the financial and caregiving situation as your dad wishes and as you are able to (this is important, as his needs may exceed your abilities as time goes on.) After he's passed, you turn over the paperwork responsibilities to a good attorney who will fill out, file all forms, taxes. He can also deal with unrealistic expectations of when the sibs will get their money. And then, hire an accountant or attorney (whichever is most appropriate) to manage the accounts going forward. Having an impartial third party doing the administration will take all the fallout off of you. Life is too precious to waste it this way.

Good suggestions, all of them. @Linda22 - the attorney informed me that I could change the parameters if there is a point in time in which full power of attorney is given to me, should he become more incapacitated. I have mixed feelings about that, though. It would be against what he has trusted me to do. I have also been informed that it would not be unusual for an attorney to exploit the heck out of an account like this.

It is well worth spending a few bucks to have his taxes prepared by a professional. ie; H&R Block. That's what I did and I was spared a huge headache.

As the sister of brothers who also don't care to be bothered I can relate to at least those parts of your situation and you most certainly have my empathy. I hope you can move past the resentment as I've had to do, it's not easy at all, but it truly only affected me as they went on happily oblivious to my need for help. I'm also executor and the lawyer has told me my share will be greater for performing this duty, this is standard. Take care of yourself as much as possible, it's a long haul