My husband passed away on November 11, 2018. He had been in a skilled nursing facility for the time covered by Medicare in our state, and was authorized for Medi-Cal just 5 days before passing. We brought him home into Hospice just 26 hours before he took his final breaths. He was surrounded by family and his best friend and his passing was peaceful. The six months prior to this are a horrible memory filled with violence, deep dementia, exhaustion and such sadness. I am now in a spouse's Hospice group and will go into one on one counseling after the 7-week program. I cannot begin to thank the hospice program here and the wonderful people on AgingCare who listened to my rants and offered advice and caring words of comfort to me for the past two years as my husband rapidly declined into frontal-temporal lobe dementia.
My need now is to remember the happy times, to remember my husband as he was, and not as he was at the end. But there is a memory of him sitting in the dining room of the skilled nursing facility. He smiled his old beautiful blue-eyed dimpled smile as he saw me, and as I sat down he placed his frail arm around my shoulders, hugged me to him and whispered, "I really missed you." My tears rolled down my face and less than one month later he was gone. I do not miss the exhaustion or the constant work of caring for him by myself at home, but I miss the handsome funny talented man he was. I miss our life and I am sad. For any of you who do lose your loved one, I recommend two books: "Permission to Mourn", by Tom Zuba and "Healing After Loss", by Martha W. Hickman. I know how hard it is for all of you, but please try to take care of yourselves as you deal with the hundreds of challenges you are facing every day. Be kind to yourselves, and be forgiving to everyone in this journey.
So sad to hear your dear husband is gone. You sound amazing after such a short time. I know you have been working hard and you are an inspiration to us all on how to proactively grieve and not just suffer our loses alone.
Do come back and encourage others as you have time in your schedule. Thanks for the book recommendations.
Hugs
((Hugs))
I have heard of American Indian ceremonies to heal such loss and transitions. I wish such traditions were more widespread for all of us.
I've found that grieving isn't just about losing someONE, it's about grieving over What Might Have Been- memories that will never be made, and sometimes I think that's the hardest thing of all. But think of the treasury of what you do have and never forget them. I wish you comfort and peace.
Last winter, when I needed it most, I was unable to find a suitable grief support group but did stumble upon the book "Healing After Loss" by Martha W. Hickman. The whole book resonated with me and I've read it now about 5 times. When I did find a suitable grief support group (via GriefShare.org), I brought the book in and the group leader was so impressed, he ordered copies for all of the participants.
A word here to those of you putting off traveling or taking your dream trips until you retire, etc. Don't do it. My husband and I traveled extensively over the years until about 5 years ago. I am so glad to have been the places we went together and have those memories (and tons of photos as well) to look back on now. We never know how long we have here on this earth. I sorely miss the life I had but I can't live in the past and can only move forward. The grief journey is not one anyone chooses but comes to all of us eventually. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.
I cried when I read your post as it was almost identical to yours. May God Bless you. I know exactly what you are going through. If it weten’t For my grandchildren whom I see every day I don’t know what I would have done but in another year they will be going off to college and Iwonder what I will do then. I pray toGod for the strength to go on.
Hugs!
I am sorry that you too had 6 months of agony before your loved one passed and I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to bring him home to be surrounded by loved ones at the time of his passing.
isnt this blog just the most humbling and humane invention ever?
when I was caring for my grumpy old pa in 2015, the daddy that I know always loved me ... but now he had to demonstrate that he loved his girlfriend more.... and I had to watch and could do not a jot whilst he lavished gifts, a flat, half a race horse for her daughter etc etc
but it’s coming up to 2 years since his bowel cancer finally took him and I’m experiencing that amazing ‘2 years’ acceptance thing.
you will be nearly whole again in the not to distant future, we all promise xx
I am not sure what to do to have personal, private contact. Can anyone guide me?
I recommend Griefshare.org. I am attending one of their groups at a church near me.
Your story of your life with your husband brought tears to my eyes. I am exhausted too. I get frustrated too being a full time caregiver to my 93 year old mom with Parkinson’s disease but I know without a doubt that it will hit me like a ton of bricks when she dies.
You are a lovely person, my dear. I can see that in your writing. You will get through this. There is no right or wrong way of how you feel.
It is so clear to me that you are alive and vibrant, even though what you have been through wore you down while going through it. Something tells me that you have a quiet inner strength that will bring you full circle. I love that you haven’t lost sight of the man you fell in love with. Please keep reminding all of us how diseases change people and that is not who they once were or even who they are deep down inside. Your honesty is so refreshing. I am sorry for your loss. I am inspired by your experience. Please continue to share on this site. We need all the wisdom we can get. Thanks for being genuine.
Having gone through losing my own Mom and Dad some 14 &15 years now, I can only say that cliche saying that time does heal, though it is still very early days yet for you, but do try to take those quiet times throughout the day to chat with him in your mind and to remember all of the many wonderful times you 2 had together, I am sure you miss him so very much. Soon, you will replace all of the more difficult memories of him with the Most Wonderful Ones, or at least that has been my own experience.
I too have a wonderful husband, who is my whole world and I cannot fathom a time without him. We at 59 & 63 find ourselves chatting about just what it might be like in that eventual time, and the conversation tends to be a short one, as neither of us can get beyond thinking of a future without one another in it, and I know that we need to get past that, as it is not healthy, as one does need to prepare for the future.
It may seem an premature (at our age) proposition to some, but my husband and I have only just sold our home of 24 years, cashed out, put our entire household into storage, with the intent on downsizing into a Condo, but we are waiting for just the right one to come onto the market. After watching both our parents do simular type moves in their late 60's and early 70's, and the housing market being so strong in our area at this particular time, it felt the right thing to do.
I tell you that after 35 years together, 2 homes, raising 4 great kids (and now Grandkids), taking care of 4 ailing parents, and now to being Completely Free of Any debt or responsibilities, Wow is it ever the most Freeing Feeling! It almost makes me want to consider never purchasing a home again! My husband and I sit and dream up ways to blow (just kidding) through our equity on nothing but Fun, Fun, Fun, but we are realistic folks and know that we must reinvest our monies into a tangible investment to secure our future, so a Condo it is. Still we are going to enjoy this short-term freedom while we can, plus we a very close to our families and would never consider moving away, Drat, Lol!
Marriage to a long term spouse can be one of the most amazing relationships and friendships that one can ever have, and I hope that you were as blessed as I have been, so share you memories with friends and family, and then look to reinvent yourself into a future that is still vibrant and full of so many bright spots and wonderful possibilities. I know that you husband would wish for you to go on and to enjoy your life to the fullest!
She1934, you have been such an Amazing contributor here on the AC, and I hope that you plan on sticking around to share your wise and wonderful experiences! Your Wisdom is much needed here on the forum, plus we all want to see how you are holding up and getting on in your future, We Care about You, so Take Care Sweetie!