83 yr. old mother with dementia embellishes every conversation the anyone has with her. She tells me that my brother has said that he misses her and wants her to come home...he hasn't said that. She says that the nurse practitioner says that she is ready to go home...she hasn't said that. And it's not just about going home, but everything. I used to think that she was just telling a lot of lies, but now I think she truly believes what she is saying. Does anyone have any experience with this. I really think it is not good for her to believe she is going home when she isn't.
She tells us she's given up she don't wanna live anymore and she can tell that it's getting close
She suffers from Arthritis too, refuses any medication
She refuses to go to the doctor
She screams, yells and cries just about all night long then wants to sleep bout all day long that's called sundowners and it's a symptom of dementia
She talks non stop the whole time I'm here
i just cannot be abused. Typically she has forgotten what she said earlier and I just drop it. Other times it has gone on for a while. It’s just a challenge to say the least. Attending a dementia support group and doing a lot of reading has helped some too. Hang in there...we don’t have a choice to do otherwise!
She tells fantastic stories, and they sound so believeable, but they just can’t be true. Her stories usually include the staff in her facility, and I think she’s getting paranoid.
I’m the only one of three siblings living in the same city as our parents, so their care falls to me. I keep in touch with my siblings via group conversations by text to keep them updated on our parents lives and health ( dad is 94, mom is 85) Recently I had to cut off all communication with one sibling who talks to my mother by phone and hasn’t actually seen her for over 18 months. I had related some things that the care staff had told me regarding my mother and my father, who visits her in the facility daily. My sibling told my mother what I’d said - of course my mother denied the stories (but did admit she didn’t remember doing it but might have). So I was accused of lying and spreading hateful gems of gossip.....
This is so hard to watch them decline and try to sift through what might be real and what isn’t.
My Mom tells stories about incredible, yet believable things, with so much detail and excitment.
She told me about seeing a squirrel in the doorway. He was fluffing his fur of brown, gray and black, with small areas of white, shaking his tail and looking at me with his glassy eyes. Then he cleans himself, while continuing fluff and shake his fur to fullness.
She is so detailed about each element in her stories. Has anybody experienced this?
Thank you....
That has happened with my mother . . . She tells me some disconcerting story and I'm like, "how the hell do you come up with those things!?" She'd be like, "I don't know . . . but it's true".
My brain is getting used to just listening and saying, "oh mama, there you go again", nod my head and keep listening . . . sort of like, selective attention.
I'm anxious to hear what advice you receive.
And you ... oh my goodness! What a terrible situation you are living in. None of this is your fault. You've done your best for Mom for many years. Through No Fault of your own, your best is not sufficient to overcome the damage in her brain. It is time to turn her care over to professionals.
My mother was a real sweetheart, even after she developed dementia, BUT she resisted and fought taking a shower or using a walk-in tub. She lived with my sister for 14 months. Her mobility issues became worse and Sis was no longer able to care for her in her home. Sis tearfully announced that and the 3 of us sisters immediately went into gear to find a suitable placement. None of us blamed her at all. We were so grateful that Mom had this transition period after leaving her apartment. In less than a month Mom was moved into a nursing home very near one of us.
The first week a couple of us were visiting when an aide came in with a robe and towel and said, "This is a day when you get a shower. You don't have to get out of your wheelchair, I'll bring you down there." My sister and I braced ourselves. And Mom said, "Oh. OK" and off they went. She was in the nh two and half years and she never once argued about a shower. And our stay-at-home, shy-around-strangers mom participated in every activity they offered! She had never done crafts in her life, and here she was proudly telling us she made the construction-paper daffodil on her door.
I am just trying to encourage you not to despair or expect the worse now that your mother needs a different level of care. It is possible she will even relax a bit and start to enjoy herself. No guarantee, of course, but I can testify that it can happen!
The absolute best case scenario is that your sisters work with you to come up with a solution. It will be so much easier on EVERYONE if you plan and act as a team. You all want the best for Mother, and it is not possible for her to have that in the present situation. No one's fault, no blame. Just let's move on to the next part of this journey.
Keep us posted here. We care!
It sounds like your mom is ready for memory care. I hate to say, things will only get worse from this point. Been there, done that.
When a confused (demented) person becomes too much to handle, (mentally OR physically), it's time to move them into an environment that can better help with their needs.
I, too, had to physically remove my mother's clothes and force her in the shower and to clean up on the toilet. Also, because she would take off her clothes and urinate on the floor, we had to tape her pijamas together, even though one of us slept in her room all night. She'd pick at the tape all night then be naked in bed and urinate there too. I just couldn't take the screaming at the top of her lungs at 2am when I had to get another diaper on. I was worried we'd be evicted! Not to mention what it was doing to my psyche.
I became someone I didn't want to be. I was resentful, angry and frustrated just about all day. I couldn't be her daughter, I had to be a caregiver of a mini-monster.
It sounds like your mom has come to the point where she no longer can receive care in your private home.
I would talk to your siblings and tell them, because of these things and how it affects you, that you can no longer keep your mother. Take videos on your phone so you have proof, if they would question you.
Also, what impact is this having on your children? Are they traumatized by her behavior?
Check out Social Services to see if she would qualify for any services (like memory care or nursing home). She will have to qualify financially. She can't make too much on Social Security (around $1300./month I think) or have more than $2000. in the bank.
Most caregivers can't keep living with anger and lies. Some caregivers may be "superhuman" and turn off any human feelings. But I don't know of too many of them. It's only normal to be offended by her accusations. Too many offenses for too long can wear on us, it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.
Good luck.
Because my mom and I didn't have very many good memories, that won't be a source of comfort to me when she passes. And I certainly won't want to remember these times with all the confusion, incontinence and physical/mental decline.
So I'm going to focus on her relief of this hideous disease. She will be in a better place (we believe it will be Heaven) where there is no suffering. I'll picture her there.
I hope I die before I loose my brain.