Sibling relationships gone down the drain.

If you want stories from those types of families, there are not so many on here; this is where the rest of us come to vent :-).

Two of my colleagues, both rehab nurses, lost their moms not too long ago and I got to see what a more supportive family and a more community-involved, unselfish elderly person's situation might be like. There were some conflicts to be sure, but they pulled together and shared the work of taking care of the houses, etc. Both moms had huge church funerals with their whole community turning out to grieve and celebrate their rich, full lives.

It is not wrong to want and wish for that - it should be more the norm, and who knows, maybe in the wider world of people who don't have as many needs to post on AgingCare, it is! If you could get sibling to get on here even if its just to "complain" about her pesky sister asking too much of her, maybe at some point it will hit her that she is missing out on being part of Dad's last days, being unfair to both you and herself, by sticking her head in the sand and not doing more than the bare minimum. Or, maybe she will come clean with the real reasons she does not want to do more. Once it gets into an antagonistic mess like this, the walls go up and the guilt level is under the surface so it is hard to admit being wrong or commit to doing differently. Approach it by asking what she *would* be willing to do - smaller things first if you have to suggest any.

If not, at least you are not in the boat where the less willing-to-pitch-in sibling is trying to run the show or steal the funds...plenty of stories like that on here too, if you really want to see some even deeper heartbreak and hurt.

I'm the only one who does anything for my mom, I have one sib within easy drive, and 3 others in a day drive. I'm sure they'll all be here for mom's funeral wanting their inheritance.....but they sure don't want to lift a finger to do any care-giving while she's alive. Every summer I wish they would come to stay with her for a week or so, they could have my house & car, but they never do. They're all "too busy" or have fancier vacations planned. So sad. Today I went to mom's house twice, yesterday twice, and previous 2 days 1x plus also did shopping & dropped off, and worked 4 hrs on her taxes. None of my sibs had to do that. Some people will claim that I somehow "chose" to do these things. My husband even went on strike once, and encouraged me too. I thought about it. It's just not fair but it continues, like all of Life. There are many different blooms in a flower garden, some petals may be missing but the total effect is glorious. I know there's a God who walks in this garden and He knows I am one of the faithful gardeners, hopefully. I can always try to tell Him "I was too busy" or "I just had to go to Hawaii, it's on my bucket list" but God did make it all, and He knows mom and me, and I prefer to please God instead of people (I do pay my taxes!).

I'm not sure that I grasp your post which probably has more to do with me than with you.

Basically, I got that you and your husband do everything with no help from siblings who will show up for the funeral looking for their inheritance while ya'll never get a break which is ok because you prefer to please God instead of people and you do pay your taxes. Did I miss something?

What do you and your husband do for yourselves and each other as a couple since your future together has a higher probability of living longer than your mother?

cmagnum are you speaking to OP or to me, I'm not sure. If it's me, yes my DH and I do do things together and realize that we will probably live longer than my mom. I was sharing my situation with the OP since there seems to be a similarity, and I wanted the OP'er to know, yes, there are others out here who have experienced the same un-raveling of sibling relationships. Whatever the siblings used to be, or we remember them to be (with rosey-colored glasses) it sure ain't that way any more......

malloryg8r, thanks for your response. Yes, I was speaking to your. My apologies for not being clear about that.

I have a friend who spent years caring for her bedridden mom. Her family took turns taking care of their mother. I have another friend who is living with her in-laws in an attached but separate accommodations. They are the maincaregivers but her husband's 2 sisters take one day a week to tend to their parents, and hired a caregiver to assist the main cgs. My grandmother had Alz. Her adult children each took one day a week to care for their mother. They did a lousy job at it. Grandma had lots of bedsores and her body locked in a 'wheelchair sitting' position. In my case, most of my siblings are far removed from here. Fave sis is my emotional support and tends to buy me stuff out of guilt for not physically helping. I was strongly attached to my siblings until mom's funeral. I never knew that my siblings would be just like everyone's siblings here on AC - the ones that are like vultures when they see the money. I no longer see them with rose-colored lens.

I live out of state from the rest of my siblings. I have visited my mom and stayed with her for a week last year and plan to do so this year. I have a business and can't be gone often or for long. I had a good relationship with my parents and they came out to visit us a couple times a year. They have been retired since early in my marriage, so had the freedom to travel. Since my father's death things have changed. I no longer speak to my sister and have cut her out of our (me, my husband and kids) lives. She is a sociopath and has total control of our mother in every way possible. My mom is happy with the arrangement and appears to want it that way. I just wonder, after reading some comments here, if I attend my mom's funeral if I will be accused of being there to get my share of the inheritance? I don't need it, since my husband and I are very well off financially. But I will be accused of it nonetheless. Makes me hesitate to even attend. My sister's favorite tactic is projection - she paints me as the greedy one, where she is the one that has weaseled $200k out of our mom since our dad died. I totally dread having to attend the funeral, and I may not. So sad the extent my sister is willing to go to to drive me out of the family. Jealousy is such a terrible, evil and destructive emotion. I am letting her "win". Sociopaths have a pathological need to win at all cost. So I am not going to stand in her way.

I'm one of the rare ones with a close, supportive relationship with my sister. By the grace of God, we were able to get POA for our mom years ago. Whoever is caring for the parents at that point in time calls the shots and the other sister does backup and listens to the kvetching. We consider our closeness our payment for being raised by a narc mom. She was so busy with her own trip that Sis took care of us both.

2nd best, you aren't. Sis figures that the best defense is an offense and maybe she is right. Go late to the funeral and leave early. Never mind what you are accused of if it isn't even remotely true.

My oh my, your stories sound like you are reading my mind. My sister is quite the problem. I know your stories, been there done that. In counseling now. Counselor says I can't change her so just ignore the problems she presents.

You need to checkout the dysfuntional thread! Some stories are unbelievable, mine included. When I am done here I am done with my sisters!

And I will not be crying about it!

The reason you've cried so many tears over this, is that you care, and hope for the resolution which may not come, in this lifetime anyhow. I know I have limits to how much I can bear. I don't believe God counts it against us if we have done a lot to try to "fix" something like bad sibling relationships. In my family, things have never been good....well maybe they were for the 1st baby, then 2nd baby was extremely difficult and wore my parents down. Then 3 more kids came and it never got any better. It's not oldest kid's "fault" but he did actually have the best beginning, and always looked oh so much better than what came after him. Pride goeth before the fall.

There is an article on here that lists three reasons siblings don't help -- live too far away, too busy, and can't stand to see parents this way. This is a very nice article, but it leaves a big reason out that fits nicely with too busy. Many siblings just don't care and there is no way to make them care. This is probably most true when the family is not close. If a sibling really cares they won't be too busy to visit or call their parent. So I guess we can say there are still three reasons, but with adding "don't care" to the second one.

I am not on speaking terms with any of my siblings now, and as time goes on, I don't really care anymore. I did initially care, but their "noses in the air" (arrogant) attitude has really disgusted me. One of my sisters, when asked by me (one of the many times) to help me with the caregiving replied: "I hate being around old people". Well, I've got news for her, she will be "old" someday, too.
In addition, it is for sure that the non-helping siblings will be back when it is time to collect the inheritance. It may be a good idea to keep emails and letters from the non-helping siblings, if they have stated that they will not help out. The reason I say this is because if you are being left more of the inheritance because of caregiving, and the non-helping siblings try to sue you at some point, you will have something in writing to prove that they refused to help. They cannot deny anything if it is in writing.

vstefans, your suggestion that I go late to the funeral and leave early...doesn't that make me look guilty and give my sister the opportunity to further slander me to everyone there? I picture her running around schmoozing everyone and gleefully saying that I left early because I was just making an appearance to make sure I stay in good favor with the family and just came to collect my inheritance, or something like that. The thought of having to sit near her at the funeral makes my skin crawl, but at least I will have two brothers to insulate me from her. Also I don't really know who all she has succeeded in turning against me, but I do know she has buddied up to a niece - the daughter of my brother (he's the one that I am closest to). Just a lot of issues that make me wonder if I should even plan to attend. It will be very painful for me in many ways in addition to having to face the loss of my mother. I feel like I have already lost her - emotionally anyway. My mom has lied to my brother and me to hide the fact that she secretly gave our sister a 150k insurance settlement. The reason I know is after she told my brother she got a settlement of $146k, she slipped and told me she got $264 - she caught herself mid-sentence and didn't say "thousand", there was an awkward silence and that told me she was trying to slip one over on me. We would have been okay with her openly giving our sister the money since she bears most of the burden in her care, but they conspired together to hide it from the rest of us. My opinion of my mom and the respect I once had for her are down the drain. She has insulted my intelligence once too often. How do you pay your respects to someone you have lost all respect for?

2ndbest, you could be my sister for all I know (but I certainly have not stolen any money from my mom!). But FWIW, if you have not been in a good relationship with your sister, for whatever reason! and your sister has borne "most of the burden in her care" as you said, then I agree, if you feel strange about attending the funeral, you probably shouldn't. The money issues are completely separate from the issues of---who was in an endearing relationship with your mom? in your situation (as I said, you could be my sister....) as in mine, I don't look forward to having any of my siblings attend the funeral of my mom. Because, they could not even take the time to come visit her while she was well (hardly ever), and when they did visit, all they could talk about was their own problems and wanted money from mom, and now when mom is much more frail, they don't want to visit because, quite frankly, they have no idea how to talk with her anymore. There is no "mom who hands out money when we need it" but all that is left is "mom who needs to wear Depends and who won't give me any money because she needs it all for her OWN needs."
I'm not sure why anyone would attend anyone's funeral, except that they had put their professed "love" for the deceased person INTO ACTION.
In your case, if there were alarm bells going off in your head about some 150k life insurance then you should have notified the proper authorities, instead of sitting there stewing about it. By now you're convinced your sister is the devil, aren't you?
But the fact is, maybe your mom truly DID want to leave "more" to your sister, and, WHAT may I ask, is so very wrong about a person leaving "more", even 150k "more" to someone who provides daily caretaking for them?

As I said, malloryg8r, my brothers and I would not object to our mom leaving more to our sister. It is the ongoing sneaky deception that I object to. My exact words were: "We would have been okay with her openly giving our sister the money since she bears most of the burden in her care, but they conspired together to hide it from the rest of us." Growing up in our household I always knew my sister was a sneaky liar, but never realized my mother is one too. That is a painful realization for me after all these years. Yes, I have thought about calling APS and getting an elder attorney involved, but in the end my mother would suffer the most and may end up in the custody of the State. She is happy with this arrangement, and unfortunately my husband, kids and I are just collateral damage in my sister's quest to seize control of my mom. Because I am wise to my sister's tricks that makes me enemy #1. Everyone else in the family is clueless and gullible (or at least pretend to be) just like my mom and sister want them to be. And yes, I am convinced my sister is the devil, as you say. That's only because she is. In order to understand my situation, you need to think of your sibling - the one that is the most greedy, controlling and deceptive - and instead of YOU being in control of your mother's care, picture THAT SIBLING in total control of your mother and shutting you out. Now you are starting to get the picture.

I cannot for the life of me figure out people. If they truly believe in a higher power God, Jesus do they not fear what their judgement will be? If they have some other faith do they not believe in Karma? If they have no faith at all, then they must be without any morals to be selfish and greedy. There is so much wickedness in the world, I truly wonder why we every were created.

Oh I know all about that with my family. We are a large family and no one helps and god forbid you ask for anything, they bite your head off. They have every excuse in the world as to why they can't help. I have cut them out of my life and only have minimal contact with some of them for only things that concern my mom. When my mom passes, I plan on having absolutely no contact with any of them. I've asked myself why would I even want to.....if I ever needed help with anything, they wouldn't help me, so I decided to spend time with people who would actually help me, true friends and the family I get to choose. Blood means nothing....unfortunately. I'm ashamed of my family, especially because of how large we are.....and the excuses and nasty attitudes sicken me. You're not alone!

The dysfunctional family post seem to always draw large responces. I too have horror stories about my sibs. They both died not long ago and honestly, life for myself and my elderly parents has been much easier. Years ago I had to become self contained and not count on help from the sibs. I've long gotten over any guilt or sadness about them. I'm sure it's difficult for folks who once had close relationships with siblings when eldercare, money etc. destroys it. But all you can do is move on, get comfortable in your own skin and forget them.

2nd best, I appreciate your thoughts. In my family the problem is the siblings just don't care to visit. The former poa in my family kept things pretty well hidden from all of us. And he did some suspicious expenses that benefited him & his family, not 150 ,but mom didn't know if was being spent. Once I showed her the withdraws on her account, she changed poa to be me. And of course the 4 sibs all called her up and yelled at her, all except the former poa who knew why it was changed. But none of them ever apologize, and the monies were never returned to mom. So sad that bad situations like this occurs and then the "whistleblower" which is what I was, gets the shaft! I hope your situation can improve somehow. But in reality, I have precious little time to spend worrying about what my siblings think--I am too busy with mom issues (and my own family & job).

It was just an idea to ease the emotional burden on you. I would tend to say, to h-e-double hockey sticks with what the others think if you know the truth, especially the others for whom you have lost respect and presumably lost respect for their opinions anyways.

I'd let your mom off the hook for trying to hide the extra $$ to sis...it sounds like she has some idea that there are big ugly rivalries going on. It is generous of you to realize that she perhaps should have been given more if she did much more of the hands on caregiving. Sad story, and you are to be commended for taking the high road and doing what you can truly feel will leave you with no regrets or shame later on.

Love in action: after reading over this post and all the responses, I felt moved to go to mom's house on way home from work, picked up her favorite Thai noodle stir fry with shrimp, and my own dinner, and shared a meal with her. Then I got her out of the house and just went for a drive down a major historical district nearby, which she loves to do, and then to the 24-hr prayer chapel so she could say her rosary. Then we went for ice cream. We got back to her house and I checked her mail (she can't walk down the block / hill to mail boxes) and there was a letter from her cousin overseas. So very special, to have this time with my mom. (And sadly I also felt I needed to take a few photos, just in case I have to "prove" to my siblings that I have done some good things for and with mom). I'm sure the out of state sibs would stamp their feet and complain, "But that's EASY for you to do that, you do live right there a mile away".....to which I wish I could tattoo my response to each of them: I have a thousand other things I could be doing (like my taxes....) but I sacrifice those, for mom, and can you please remind me, what have YOU sacrificed, for mom? You all are so stubborn and lazy, you REFUSE to sacrifice ANY time or any of yor pet "projects" because YOUR STUFF is always ALWAYS more important than coming to visit your own mother. Yeah its "easy" for me to spend a few hours with mom. I do this weekly, in addition to all her Financials, bills, household repair needs, doctor appointments (weekly), prescriptions, church, plus keeping track of her paid caregiver. She has not paid me for any of this until recently when she insisted on paying me $15 for doctor appts. If I lived in Florida (as one sibling does) she would have been in Asst Living at least 5 yrs ago, and by now penniless, on Medicaid. As a result of my individual sacrifices, she is able to continue to live in the family home, safely. If she can stay there forever, I will work to make that happen. If she wants to pay me $15 for a doctor visit that is reaaalllly cheap. The siblings have NOTHING to complain about, and my conscience is free and clear.

Sounds exactly like my siblings....LAZY....and always making it as though their life is just so important with all the important stuff going on it as if I have nothing going on. Could you believe my sister actually said that to me on several occasions? "You have nothing going on, that's why you focus your mind so much on mom"...."How about NO, you selfish b**ch, I have a lot going on and I am stressed and I do it b/c I could not leave mom to fend for herself b/c I f*ck**g care about MY mother!" Sorry for the vent....lol! Meanwhile when I ask for help over the phone even, she says she is busy shopping, getting her hair done, going to the nail salon, etc. Give me a f'n break! SELFISH!

trinity, yeah, I hear you! my sibs would rather go to Hawaii, a cruise, Vegas, and shopping in Paris.....all of those are really quite inexpensive, aren't they? YET, when they come visit their own mother, they want to be reimbursed for Travel Expenses!!!!!! gawd!!!!!!

Malloryg8r......Our families must be related!! LOL! My siblings make me sick! That's exactly how mine are, always expecting to receive and never give....SELFISH! I hope my sister's kids do the same thing to her when she gets old.

Are there any caregivers out there who still have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with their siblings?

Yes. I have three sisters and three brothers. During the years I took care of husband with dementia, our mother's care was mostly in the hands of the 3 sisters and 1 brother. I supported them by phone and by occasionally taking her to appointments, etc. When Mom could no longer live alone, one sister took her into her home. One sister and I each had her for a weekend each month and the other sister visited her weekly. The helpful brother (the one who isn't married) helped out

Now mother is in a nursing home. When the caregiving sister tearfully and regretfully said she could no longer meet Mom's needs, the rest of us did the research and helped move Mom. No accusation or threats or complaints. Now the four of us girls and one brother visit at least once a week each. We email each other with a report of our visits. The brother who lives farthest away and his wife both have difficult health problems (including cancer) and come infrequently for that reason. They have never been the least bit critical of decisions we make. That leaves one brother who seldom visits and I have absolutely no idea way. That puts a little strain in that relationship.

My sisters are my best friends. I love my brothers. I cherish the nieces and nephews and now even some great-nieces/nephews.

I am glad to have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with my siblings. I am truly sorry for individuals who do not have that, or had it and caregiving issues have ruined it.

Hugs to you all.

Jeanne,
Will you be my sister? My experience through this, with the exception of about the first four months with one of my sisters, has been completely the opposite. Both live within 10 miles. This haa been a complete nightmare with the two of them. The dysfunction began when we were young and never stopped. Now we are going on four years and Mom is in the process of being placed because sibs have to sell the house to pay Mom's attorney fees. It has been one very ugly battle after another that would have been so much easier with just a bit of support, or if they would have just left me alone. The easy part has been caring for my Mom and her hubby.

You are so fortunate, jeannegibbs, to have siblings that cooperate in a loving way to support your mom and her husband. It makes a world of difference. In my case, we only have one bad apple, but she spoils the whole bunch. Because her agenda is to get all our mom's money she has turned her caretaking into a competition only she can win. Anything I do for my mom is subject to her criticism and scrutiny. Here's an example: My husband and I were visiting my mom for a week and she was complaining about her cellphone. She had 11 messages on it she couldn't access - the phone had a password on it but she didn't know what it was. My nephew had added her to his phone contract and was charging her about $50/mo for phone and data. She had no idea even how to use data. He was giving her his old phones and using the upgrades for himself - great deal for him, but not so good for my mom. So we took her to the phone store and the agent first called my nephew to get his permission to unlock the phone and get the password. Well, nephew said he didn't know the password, so the agent went ahead and unlocked the phone so she could retrieve her messages. He advised us that she would be better off getting her own phone service and save about $20/mo so with her agreement we went ahead and had him set up a new account for her. He looked up her long distance usage and felt the account would allow plenty to cover her out of town calls. Well, all hell broke loose after we returned home. Over the next 2 weeks I called her 15 times and she never returned my calls. I wanted to remind her that she had to call the cell provider and change her billing address or the bills would go to her old address. When we set up the account she had moved so the address they set the account up with from her driver's license was her previous address, but she would have to wait 24 hrs for the account to show up before making the change. So I tried repeatedly to remind her but no luck. I emailed both of my brothers explaining the situation, the changes to her account, and asking them to remind her to do the address change. I finally mailed her a letter explaining the details of the account and to remind her to call the cell company with her new address. A month or two later I get a nasty email from my sister, cc'd to my brothers, demanding to know what we did and saying that my mom just got a $600+ bill from the cellphone provider! Toxic sister was livid and demanded to know WHY we had her account changed. So I sent a reply calmly explaining what we did and why. I'm sure what she wrote in her email was only the tip of the iceberg as far as unleashing her hellish vile criticism of our actions to the rest of the family. We were only trying to help my mom, but she used it against us and twisted it into some kind of ill-intentioned conspiracy. So it seems every time we try to contribute help out of the goodness of our hearts we are painted out to be some kind of monsters. My sister has always been a problem for me as far back as I can remember, but I guess I had thought at the age of 60 she might have outgrown it. I think her jealousy of me just keeps boiling up and apparently grows over time. But you can see how we tend to just back off and let her be in charge. It isn't worth the hassle to even be involved. So consider yourself very lucky to have the siblings you have. Some of us didn't fare so well!!