Are there any caregivers out there who still have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with their siblings? I sure don't, and soooooo many others in my situation do not either. My sister and I have become strangers to one another. She has made it plain that she will not help in the day-to-day tasks ("too busy with a stressful job"--well, I have a stressful job too) and so I have pretty much shut myself down, and ask the bare minimal amount from her; doing otherwise only causes antagonistic, bitter arguments. She despises my husband and he despises her.
I strongly, strongly feel that once dad (95, living at home with husband & I as live-in caregivers) passes I will have nothing much to do with her at all.
Why does this ugliness have to happen? I've cried so many tears over it.
My mother has never talked about us to each other. I often see parents who foster competition between or among their children. Not a good thing.
You did try to communicate what you did after the fact, and you are not a monster, but it seems like maybe you did throw a monkey wrench into the system, or you were taken for a ride by the salesman who should have unlocked the password and then left well enough alone. That's probably what upset the sibs.
I have 'famblee' out there, distant, very distant. but have not had contact nigh on half a century. Why? they were out and out ba**rds involving a relation of mom. I called her aunt, but she was further than that. As many here, the 'famblee' did nothing to help, didn't even visit, save for one 'unc' who dropped in once or twice in the time we had her in our house. After she died? All the ba**rds came out with a lawsuit which the judge thankfully tossed out of court. Have not seen, heard anything from the mf's. Good riddance.
I am also extremely fortunate that while caring for my husband, our entire blended family supported me. I have seen in my support group that stepchildren can be worse than siblings for stress and criticism and backstabbing. My two sons and my three stepdaughters told me often what a great job they thought I was doing and how glad they were that Dad had me.
There are plenty of caring, functional families, including blended families, in this country. I am truly sorry that so many on this forum do not have that experience.
Once I realized how long Mom was likely to live with her disabilities (probably at least 10 years - I had initially assumed 2-3 years) and how demanding and difficult she was going to be, I knew I couldn't make a long-term commitment. I immediately tried to enlist my mother and the local sibs in finding other alternatives for her. Paid help, senior apartment, assisted living, therapies, assistive devices, other family members. No dice. They had me and they were not prepared to let me go. One of the local sibs stepped up to help with some of Mom's needs - the other has been a lot of excuses and an occasional guilt-trip. My relationship with my mother and all sibs except the one helpful one are now fractured. I have put my life on hold indefinitely for the benefit of a group of people who don't give a damn about me. I am merely the family drudge.
Eventually I realized that as long as I stay here, nobody will investigate or consider any solution that does not require me to be here 24/7. So, I've made plans to move back up north where I came from, and let them figure it out without me. They'll find out when it's too late to try to guilt me out of it. With family like this, I'll take my chances among strangers.
Carl Jung said the best way to understand the darkness of others is to understand our own...it can be hard to do that; I made it my Lenten discipline this year to try though, and I think to some point I succeeded in being less judgemental....Well in any event, I can tell you are hurting a great deal and that you are a caring person. You tried to do something you thought was a big positive and it was ill-received, due to unintended consequences (aka the bane of most people's existence, especially if they are trying to write legislation) and that always stings; but looking at the "other" perspective might still help you enormously.
kthin - in retrospect, my sibling relationship was never healthy. A psychiatrist confirmed that there were problems that were not of my making, It has taken me many, many, years to truly accept that. Mother's decline has brought out the worst and I have basically cut contact. I agree it is sad. (((((hugs)))) to you.
Most people who are toxic will just deny it, so there's no point telling them. That's a big part of their toxicity - they dismiss other people's feelings and have no regard for the truth. You're only asking for a nasty confrontation if you point out any of their faults, wrongs, inconsistencies, etc. I wouldn't bother.